Tag Archives: college

  Old School School

Chris Christie Locks Down Voters Who Love Student Loan Debt

It's people! Chris Christie EATS PEOPLE! (#2 in a series)
Chris Christie knows how he’d win a presidential election between himself and Bernie Sanders, just in case that particular combination comes up: Let the free market fix everything, the way it always does. Ha! That’ll teach Bernie Sanders, with his socialist call for four years of government-supported college education for all students attending state colleges and universities (no, it’s not “free,” so save your cranky comments, cranks). Read more on Chris Christie Locks Down Voters Who Love Student Loan Debt…
  And you thought Bud Light couldn't be more disgusting.

People Seem To Think Bud Light Slogan Is Rapey, Just Because It’s Really Rapey

Oh, we get it, it's about date rape-type stuff!
Earth’s most generic light beer, Bud Light, has been doing an ad campaign that they think is oh so hip, lately, to try to get beer-pong playing, dildo-brained college kids to upgrade from Natty Light and drink THEIR piss beer instead. It’s called #UpForWhatever, and there was a big PacMan super bowl commercial, because Bud Light is the beer that, according to advertising execs, makes you “up for whatever.” The labels have said things like “the perfect beer for going without a ticket and still getting into the show,” and “the perfect beer for tuning up the old air guitar,” because these guys are fucking HIP, dude. Oh, and there’s this new label, that’s totally about drinking so much that bitches won’t say no when you try to fuck them, and people don’t like it, huh. Read more on People Seem To Think Bud Light Slogan Is Rapey, Just Because It’s Really Rapey…
  grifter gotta grift

James O’Keefe Totally Pwns Catholic College For Loving ISIS And Terrorism. Obviously.

Who wants to take one for the team, ladies?
Whey-faced adult virgin James O’Keefe (or his publicist) has been spamming us to take a look at his latest video allegedly exposing another college campus for being a hotbed of ISIS-supporting terrorist love. That way, he can fundraise by saying “Liberal blog Wonkette is attacking us because they are afraid of the truth that Project Veritas reveals yarrrrgle blargle poop!” Well, us liberals love to help out losers and their lost causes, so let’s give him a boost! Read more on James O’Keefe Totally Pwns Catholic College For Loving ISIS And Terrorism. Obviously….
  Occupy the teacher's lounge

Daily Caller OUTRAGED Feminist Professors Get Paid Like Actual Professors

Actual women's studies professor
Prepare to be shocked and appalled and disgusted, while you’re at it, because you know who is really making out like bandits these days? No, not those Wall Street types who make six-figure bonuses on top of their six-figure salaries. According to Tucker Carlson’s interwebs asylum for keyboard monkeys willing to swear a blood oath to Fox News, it is professors. And not even real professors, but “gender studies” professors: Read more on Daily Caller OUTRAGED Feminist Professors Get Paid Like Actual Professors…
  Missionary positions available

Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!

Imagine you are a center of Legitimate Jesus Worship during the day, and a center of NEKKID BEACH PARTIES at night, because this is part of your “ministry.” You would be the Life Center: A Spiritual Community church, in Panama City Beach, and now the mean government is saying you’ve lost your tax exempt status because they’re just not sure college kids painting their naked Adam and Eve parts for Spring Break time on the beach is something any benevolent deity has actually requested recently. The government is the WORST: Read more on Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!…
  intramural frisbee golf just got more exciting

Nevada Bill Will Solve Rape, Let All Co-Eds Shoot Everyone, What Could Go Wrong?

Where could she even be hiding a gun?
Ah, college. That heady brew of drinking, parties, hormones, Marxist indoctrination, drugs, late nights, not enough sleep, political correctness, overblown drama, and more hormones. You know what might spice it up even more? Allowing students to carry guns on campus. Because when you can arm immature monsters who drink like fish and have poor impulse control, you have to do it. Read more on Nevada Bill Will Solve Rape, Let All Co-Eds Shoot Everyone, What Could Go Wrong?…
  of course they call it a LIBERAL arts education

No One Cares About Candidates’ College Degrees, Wingnuts Upset Anyway Because It Is A Day

When your elitist liberal friend says he wants to get a college education.
Sweet merciful Yahweh, are we really going to have to spend the next year and a half debating the merits of a college education for presidential candidates? Apparently we are, if the recent hooting over Rand Paul and Scott Walker lacking bachelor’s degrees is any indication. Count us among the camp that thinks not having completed an undergraduate degree is irrelevant to one’s qualifications for the presidency. Our last president had degrees from two Ivy League schools, and he had the intellectual firepower of a mangled squirrel being grilled for supper on the engine block of a ’73 Matador. Read more on No One Cares About Candidates’ College Degrees, Wingnuts Upset Anyway Because It Is A Day…
  Great advice

Rush Limbaugh: Scott Walker Should Use Rape Jokes To Explain Quitting College

HERE IS SOME SEX ADVICE, YOU GUYS.
Is Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker one of those maybe presidential contenders for 2016 we’re supposed to take seriously? It’s so hard to tell. He certainly seems to think so. He’s been visiting the right states and giving the right speeches and raising the right money and hating on the right groups, like women and unions and students and voters. And Rush Limbaugh said on his radio show Thursday that Walker is “a real candidate,” which proves it, right? Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Scott Walker Should Use Rape Jokes To Explain Quitting College…
  Don't Read The Comments

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Child Labor’s Still Pretty Cool For Tobacco Growers

The best way to read your Sunday NYT
We depend on our Sunday New York Times for in-depth reporting on stuff that we may or may not care about, and on a good day we might even learn about something we had no idea we should have to care about, and now we can sound like a big know it all. Into that last column, let’s drop today’s story about teenagers who work 12-hour shifts on tobacco farms, like the 13-year-old we meet in the lede. But don’t worry, the growers provide safety equipment, of a sort: Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Child Labor’s Still Pretty Cool For Tobacco Growers…
  the times they aren't a-changing

Bill O’Reilly Is Never Ever Ever Going To Stop Punching Hippies

We tried SO HARD to listen to all seven minutes of Bill O’Reilly whinesplaining about how hippies are taking over everything, but it is really difficult you guys. We were going to pass the pain on to you and embed that sucker here, but it looks like you pay monies to Fox to make that happen and haha we are never giving any money to Fox. So what exactly is Bill-o on about today? Hippie boomers became authority figures and now they are wrecking everything with their mewling about how people who are not Bill O’Reilly deserve equal treatment and how maybe America could be less suck about that and Bill O’Reilly has had it up to here with them. SPOILER ALERT: Bill’s reasoning is both suspect and ridiculously confusing! Read more on Bill O’Reilly Is Never Ever Ever Going To Stop Punching Hippies…
  college: ur doin it rong

Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business

From excessive drinking to being high pretty much all the time to a wardrobe consisting of only pajamas, blogging college sure is a rockin good time. And, it helps you get a job that pays money, which enables you to buy progressively better whiskey, hoping for that one magical day when you can afford the stuff that does not come in a plastic bottle! It’s good to dream, kid. But wait! Maybe college ain’t so great after all, because did you know that some college graduates don’t make ALL THE MONIES and sometimes get laid off, and some even are forced to go on food stamps! Well, the good awful folks at the Heritage Foundation are right here to bring you the SHOCKING statistics. It seems that 28 percent of food stamp households are headed by someone who went to college. TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT, people! That’s, like, more than 1 in 4 people on food stamps (math, bitchez). Clearly, our colleges is not learning students good. Or maybe we should blame the students! Blaming the students would only work if we were really dickish, but we are talking about the Heritage Foundation.  Read more on Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business…
  why we fight

Sundays With The Christianists: Special Reader Mailbag Edition

Good morning, Wonkatarians! Today, a bit of a departure! As it happens, within the last couple weeks Yr Doktor Zoom’s gotten a few emails and comments that we thought needed to be shared with The Readers — and for a change, they’re not of the “Dear Shit Fer Brains” variety. And so we are in the really weird position of sharing reader mail without mocking it. We think we will manage, somehow. So, next week we’ll get back to our Christianist history books, but this week, we’re going to hear from a few folks who went to schools that used similar textbooks, and survived. This has been a running question for this whole series — when kids grow up with this stuff, what happens when they run smack into the wider world where most people don’t think Jesus rode the Loch Ness Monster? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Special Reader Mailbag Edition…
  cool story hansel

London Mayor Kills The Malaysian Prime Minister (With ‘Jokes’)

Hey ladies! Are you looking to go to college, Lean In, and really get ahead in this world? Perhaps you are from a predominantly Muslim country and you are trying to break glass ceilings over there so we don’t have to break glass ceilings over here, something something mixed metaphors. Well, if you are one of those women in Malaysia who will make up 68% of the incoming college class, the Mayor of London is so glad that you are looking to the University system to find a suitable husband for yourself. Via Raw Story: The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has been accused of casual sexism after joking that the increase in the number of women attending university in Malaysia was down to their desire to find a husband. HAHAHA, its so funny and awesome to belittle women in foreign countries who may be seeking to make a better life for themselves. Because everyone knows that women only go to college to find husbands who can take care of them, amirite ladies! And who better for Mayor Johnson to say this to than the Malaysian Prime Minister, while also probably inviting him to derelicte … his balls. Let’s sexplore.  Read more on London Mayor Kills The Malaysian Prime Minister (With ‘Jokes’)…
  no such acronym

NSA Recruitment Drive Goes Well, Under the Circumstances

Would you believe that holding a recruitment drive for the NSA is, well, not so easy these days? Apparently some Americans — probably just the ones who are not quite desperate enough for gainful employment and medical benefits — are a little bit uncomfortable with working for an agency that is explicitly tasked with secretly vi0lating (what little is left of) our Fourth Amendment rights. Here, let us enjoy the good parts of this recording of college kids yelling at the NSA, courtesy of student journalist Madiha R. Tahir: Tahir: “Do you consider Germany and the countries that the NSA has been spying upon to be adversaries, or are you, right now, not speaking the truth?” Recruiter 1: “You can define adversary as ‘enemy’ and, clearly, Germany is not our enemy. But would we have foreign national interests from an intelligence perspective on what’s going on across the globe? Yeah, we do.” Tahir: “So by ‘adversaries’, you actually mean anybody and everybody. There is nobody, then, by your definition that is not an adversary. Is that correct?” Yes, duh. What — do you think the Cold War is over or something? No, it is not over, which is why we are spying on those socialists in Europe. Also, we have a War on Terror going on at the same time, which means we have to collect metadata from all Americans, just in case one of them becomes a terrorist. What is a “terrorist,” you ask, perplexed about the fact that neither the international community nor the United States is able to present one unified, clear, coherent legal definition? Not important, let the secret surveillance court worry about that, dear. Seriously, can’t the NSA just hand out  highlighter pens that look like tampons and talk to kids without being harassed? Read more on NSA Recruitment Drive Goes Well, Under the Circumstances…
  it puts the lotion on its diploma

Congratulations On Your Entrepreneuring, Willow Palin!

WILLOW PALIN GRADUATES! WILLOW PALIN GRADUATES! Etc. Good job, Wills, we are happy at ya for graduating from what your sainted mother describes as a “hair and skin academy,” where you went on foreign exchanges (to Juarez we are guessing?) and visited “the sets of major media productions” (like Dancing With the Stars?) and did other stuff too. Also you are an “entrepreneur” with a strong work ethic, although we are not sure your mother knows what “entrepreneur” means, because to our knowledge you are not that. But it’s cool! Nobody but your mother expects you to be! You are by far the best Palin girl, as your sister — you remember her, the one who was always super nasty and bossy at you for no reason on that terrible teevee show you were on together? — is a completely useless slug. But your mom wrote some word salad at us, ABOUT EDUCATION, ON WHICH SHE HAS THOUGHTS, on her major media platform, Myface, and we are going to have to look at it now. Read more on Congratulations On Your Entrepreneuring, Willow Palin!…