GEORGETOWN SOPHOMORE LOOKING FOR ASSISTANT: This sophomore also works in the financial services industry! So of course: “PA example tasks -Organize closet -make bed -Drop off / pick up dry cleaning -Drop me off / pick me up from work -Do laundry -Fill up gas tank -bring car for servicing -schedule appointment for haircut -Pay parking tickets -manage electronic accounts -shopping and running errands -other random tasks. …laundry will be counted for half an hour even though a laundry cycle takes 1.5 hrs to complete.” The Great Recession changed everything. [Georgetown Voice]
Insanely old oil monster George H.W. Bush has “pulled a Notre Dame” and invited the terrible President to come speak at Texas A&M University on Friday about the importance of Community Service, gay. George H.W. Bush is allowed to do this because (a) his Presidential Library is on the A&M campus and (b) he owns Texas. But could this be a catastrophe, now that it is controversial for presidents to talk to people in America? “Poppy” understands, though, that a few hundred racists will probably get drunk and protest for “states’ rights” or whatever, and has written an open letter to the students of A&M subtly begging them not to be complete and total assholes. MORE »
Oh god, thank you to this commenter for directing us to a mole’s account of Peggy Noonan’s class at Harvard. These Noonanisms speak to the heart and soul of a nation: “I wasn’t sure I could wear mascara every day. One should dress. One should wear mascara when one can.” One should. It is Proper. But hey HARVARD MOLES? HELLO? Don’t send this stuff to Gawker. Be a friend to your Wonkette: tips@wonkette.com. We have more “iPhones” to give out to our best operatives. [Gawker]
“Royal wordsmith Peggington Noonington, a columnist famous to children, noticed through her eye-vision powers a faint speckle of Light atop her oaken chiffonier. This perturbed her, for she had been in a trance, considering Modernity. She ordered her house slave, Mister Winston, to deliver her the object aglow at once, for Inspecktion. What was this Object? What magickal powers might it possess! Manyfold powers, to be sure, for ’twas a Capsule of Medicine Drugs, seventy-and-five Milli-Grammes…” MORE »
Meghan McCain stopped by American University yesterday to chat with the young college people of today. She is so hip to their jive—she even likes Gays, the most fabulous new store at the Phoenix Mall! She spoke with a reporter at the campus paper The Eagle, who surprised old Meg by asking her, immediately, why she is even a Republican. “I consider myself a Republican because of all the issues and conventional ideology and I just believe, you know, that my gay friends should be able to get married just like I can. I think the Republican Party has a long way to go when it comes to social issues, but when you go back to the ideals it was based on, social issues have nothing to do with it.” Right-o! Down the rabbit hole we go. MORE »
Ah, well don’t we feel stupid, Barack Obama’s “fired up, ready to go” Civil War re-enactment at a packed University of Maryland Comcast Center yesterday was, in fact, just a music video shoot! This one-minute DNC ad “will air on national cable and in the DC area, as well as on 40 liberal blogs.” AD $$$ YOU SAY? Hmm, we better brush up on our bona fides… REPBULICANS SUCK. END EVERY WAR. BE GAY. Pleeeeease? [First Read]
Barack Obama did something today that he has not been able to do very often during a health care debate: address the Youngs! Usually it is all about convincing old, voting retards that he will not kill them with black people weapons. The atmosphere at University of Maryland’s Comcast Center was so 2008! There was even a volley of “fired up, ready to go.” Remember when everyone used to love that?? Also: He referred to friendly, fat, and very unimportant Congressmen Dutch Ruppersberger as “Butch,” and all the kids started booing when he mentioned Max Baucus, ha ha. How ginchy! It’s the new college fad. [YouTube]
Michael Steele parodist Michael Steele stopped by Howard University the other day. Already, by now, you can see where this is going. Every single aspect of the event falls somewhere on the spectrum of “unmitigated disaster” to “accidentally segregating the audience.” Next time Steele reserves the first two rows of seating for a large group of white Young Republican VIPs in a room full of black students, he might just want to go ahead and not do that thing. This is one of Michael Steele’s many (3) invaluable Dope Lessons of Hip Hop! But what are some others? MORE »
It was “only” 65 years ago when America seemed to be on the upswing, in large part because millions of World War II veterans got a paid college education and no-down low-interest mortgages. Less than five years after the formal end of the Great Depression, higher education and a modern home became reality for the very people who were starving and illiterate in the grim 1930s. And now, no thanks to “Country First” fraudster John McCain, a wonderful new GI Bill was welcomed today by draft-dodging Kenyan bounty hunter Barack Obama. America now has hope that the post-9/11 veteran will end up smart, comfortable and happy … and not some redneck racist wingnut terrorist mass-murderer like Timothy McVeigh. MORE »
Former Bush White House counsel and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales — whose great political achievements include conspiring with John Yoo to destroy the U.S. Constitution with MEMOS, chasing down then-AG John Ashcroft in the hospital to get him to authorize illegal domestic warrantless wiretapping programs while he was hopped up on anesthetics, and firing tons of U.S. Attorneys for not prosecuting enough Democrats during election years — has been hired to teach college students about government. This is definitely not what Thomas Jefferson & Ben Franklin had in mind when they founded Texas Tech University. [Austin American-Statesman]
Insanely old oil monster George H.W. Bush has “pulled a Notre Dame” and invited the terrible President to come speak at Texas A&M University on Friday about the importance of Community Service, gay. George H.W. Bush is allowed to do this because (a) his Presidential Library is on the A&M campus and (b) he owns Texas. But could this be a catastrophe, now that it is controversial for presidents to talk to people in America? “Poppy” understands, though, that a few hundred racists will probably get drunk and protest for “states’ rights” or whatever, and has written an 
Oh god, thank you to 
“Royal wordsmith Peggington Noonington, a columnist famous to children, noticed through her eye-vision powers a faint speckle of Light atop her oaken chiffonier. This perturbed her, for she had been in a trance, considering Modernity. She ordered her house slave, Mister Winston, to deliver her the object aglow at once, for Inspecktion. What was this Object? What magickal powers might it possess! Manyfold powers, to be sure, for ’twas a Capsule of Medicine Drugs, seventy-and-five Milli-Grammes…” 
Michael Steele parodist Michael Steele stopped by Howard University the other day. Already, by now, you can see where this is going. Every single aspect of the event falls somewhere on the spectrum of “unmitigated disaster” to “accidentally segregating the audience.” Next time Steele reserves the first two rows of seating for a large group of white Young Republican VIPs in a room full of black students, he might just want to go ahead and not do that thing. This is one of Michael Steele’s many (3) invaluable Dope Lessons of Hip Hop! But what are some others? 
It was “only” 65 years ago when America seemed to be on the upswing, in large part because millions of World War II veterans got a paid college education and no-down low-interest mortgages. Less than five years after the formal end of the Great Depression, higher education and a modern home became reality for the very people who were starving and illiterate in the grim 1930s. And now, no thanks to “Country First” fraudster John McCain, a 
INTERN RILEY GOES LEGIT: Look, he’s writing for the esteemed Internet publication 
Former Bush White House counsel and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales — whose great political achievements include conspiring with John Yoo to destroy the U.S. Constitution with MEMOS, chasing down then-AG John Ashcroft in the hospital to get him to authorize illegal domestic warrantless wiretapping programs while he was hopped up on anesthetics, and firing tons of U.S. Attorneys for not prosecuting enough Democrats during election years — has been hired to teach college students about government. This is definitely not what Thomas Jefferson & Ben Franklin had in mind when they founded Texas Tech University. [