Tag Archives: cocktober

 

In Honor of Cocktober’s All Stars

Are YOU a social conservative who publicly denounces gay sex? If yes, then you probably had gay sex last month! Cocktober 2007 was a whirlwind of hypocrisy on the Republican side; and as much as last month proved that our country probably only has five to six more years before it finally implodes, well… did you have a good time watching it all cum down? Let’s let the toothpaste out of the tuber and bring in Blowvember by honoring that which came before it with… A gallery of 2007’s Cocktober All Stars! Read more on In Honor of Cocktober’s All Stars…
 

Republican state Rep. Richard “I have not had sex with a guy [while not wearing women’s lingerie]” Curtis has resigned from the Washington legislature, after letting all of his toothpaste out of the tube. [The Columbian] Read more on …
 

Wa. State Police Pen Perfect Novella to End Cocktober

Happy Halloween, Wonkette readers! Do we have any scary stories to tell for the occasion, you might be asking? Well good gay God, have we ever! In what one commenter has described as “the DaVinci Code of the GOP,” the Spokane, Wa. Police Department’s report on state Rep. Richard “I have not had sex with a guy” Curtis‘ extortion case leaked yesterday. In it, Curtis admits to the police that he did have sex with a “reputed” male prostitute, Cody Castagna (beautifully captured here). But the police report — replete with sting opps, erotic boutiques, cross-dressing, metaphors involving toothpase — makes it so, so much better. If you’re going to read the whole thing, we strongly urge you to take a bathroom break beforehand rather than having to get up in the middle. Read more on Wa. State Police Pen Perfect Novella to End Cocktober…
 

Conservative Lawmaker: “I have not had sex with a guy”

Washington (state) is abuzz this week with rumors that state Rep. Richard Curtis is involved in an extortion ring with a “reputed” male prostitute — in other words, Did he fuck a dude? Curtis is obviously a Republican with a socially conservative voting record, so allegations like these were sure to come out sometime. As was his predictable response: “I am not gay… I have not had sex with a guy.” Sure, but… DOES HE LIE? Read more on Conservative Lawmaker: “I have not had sex with a guy”…
 

Cocktober Winds Down in Fairest Washington

FridayHalloween @ a theater near you! “As one swift look at our calendar indicates, this weekend you may as well just sleep in costume since there are so many (pre) Halloween parties around it is almost, well, scary. Alternatively though (and this option is starting to seem more and more appealing to me) you can go the route of being scared in the dark, as you did when you were seven.” [BrightestYoungThings] Read more on Cocktober Winds Down in Fairest Washington…
 

Pederasts for Giuliani!

Oh boy. So: Rudy Giuliani once hired a Catholic priest to work for his consulting company, and this priest still works there. Boss Giuliani must have been impressed by the business acumen of the priest, whose resume probably listed “Jesus = Ca$h” under “special skills.” Other special skills the priest, Monsignor Alan Placa, possesses: proficiency in Microsoft Word, extensive knowledge of the Bible, prolonged history of child molestation allegations. Giuliani was aware Placa had faced child molestation charges months before he hired him in 2002. But he didn’t care then, and he doesn’t care now. He is the one person in the world who doesn’t care. Read more on Pederasts for Giuliani!…
 

Oral Roberts Still Alive, Having Heat Flashes

Amid allegations that his son, on-leave Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts, and daughter-in-law, Lindsay Roberts, were hiring perverted hobbits and having sex with 16-year-old hobbits (respectively), Oral “the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female” Roberts himself has returned to the Tulsa school for the first time in three years. Mostly to talk about Satan, an archetypal figure we fully endorse. Read more on Oral Roberts Still Alive, Having Heat Flashes…
 

Outspoken Conservative Sex Children Blah Blah Pedophile

As the Endless Cummer winds down and the leaves on trees transition to Cocktober’s reds, oranges and yellows, more public, conservative loudmouths are disclosing sexual proclivities with little boys, little girls and manly goats. What great stories must lie in wait for Blowvember. The latest mega-pederast is Michael Graham, a Boston conservative radio host, coiner of “America is at war with Islam” and a graduate of untainted Oral Roberts University. Last night was one of those rare nights where someone watched the insufferable Glenn Beck show on CNN Headline News, and Graham guested to discuss the issue of giving out condoms and stuff to kids in middle school. Graham obviously argued against, but his performance only strengthened the case for offering preventatives — at least for whenever Michael Graham visits school. Read more on Outspoken Conservative Sex Children Blah Blah Pedophile…
 

“A 33-year-old former youth minister of an Alabaster church has been charged with crossing state lines to have sex with a minor. Donald Brent Page of Calera is accused of traveling to Memphis on Oct. 6 to meet who he thought was a 13-year-old girl for sex, according to an affidavit prepared by an investigator with the Memphis FBI Crimes Against Children Task Force.” [Birmingham News] Read more on …
 

Cummer Never Ends: DiFatta, Craig, and the Oral Roberts Cougar

It’s October, so why is it still so goddamn hot? And why are politicians still getting busted for perversions and sexcapades? Is this Cummer truly Endless? Or is this merely — as one of you commenters probably coined back in some long-ago post (this one?) — an Indian Cummer?* After the jump, join us in taking a quick glance at Cocktober’s Long, Long Tail — starring that Louisiana Bathroom Goblin, Gay Escorts, and, uh, something called an “Oral Roberts.” Read more on Cummer Never Ends: DiFatta, Craig, and the Oral Roberts Cougar…
 

Hey Guess Who Took This Picture of Florida Rep. Bob Allen

Wait, what? This is from the official Florida House of Representatives website, and it’s apparently a “technology hearing,” and our now-shamed haunter of men’s public restrooms is holding, we believe, a tiny breathalyzer device. So he’ll obviously be checking into rehab shortly. And the guy who took the picture should have some recommendations, as far as that goes. Florida House of Representatives Read more on Hey Guess Who Took This Picture of Florida Rep. Bob Allen…
 

Mark Foley Is Getting Desperate

The following e-mail was just sent specifically to Wonkette: Hello, I would like to invite all the Capitol Hill Interns to a TV shoot in DC … I’ts for a prime time series …. Could you send out a mass email? Please call me…it’s happening on Monday!!! Diane323.904.xxxx Sure, “Diane,” we’ll send out a mass e-mail. Good luck with your “TV shoot in DC.” Read more on Mark Foley Is Getting Desperate…
 

Brian Ross & His Prop Phone Take Wonkette’s Peabody Award

If we were a little more gullible, today we would be the proud winners of the Peabody Award that’s going to Brian Ross and his goddamned prop phone. Ross won the coveted award for spreading all those filthy Mark Foley e-mails and IMs. Wonkette, on the other hand, simply posted the e-mails and said they were “obviously fake.” Read more on Brian Ross & His Prop Phone Take Wonkette’s Peabody Award…
 

Your Monthly Unsubstantiated Republican Outing

Still recovering from last night’s Radio/TV dinner? Nothin’ can lift the morning haze faster than a cup of strong coffee and a fantastically gross rumor — like imagining Mitch McConnell making sweaty, passionate love to lithe young soldiers. Read more on Your Monthly Unsubstantiated Republican Outing…
 

Teens Love Getting Schtupped by Old Congressmen

After the Mark Foley scandal, it was all but certain that even the most naive “civic minded” teenager would avoid the House and Senate page programs. Instead, becoming a page is more popular than ever before. Read more on Teens Love Getting Schtupped by Old Congressmen…
 

Wonkette Is 2007 Unity Candidate! (So Vote For Us)

While we lost the “Most Humorous Weblog” nomination to, uh, Gizmodo, we are honored to be nominated for “best weblog about the politics.” Every year through some mysterious process, people choose these nominees for the annual gala Bloggies event, which is held in outer space. Here’s how it works: You go to this site and vote for us. You can vote for other categories, too. (We don’t care.) But it’s really complicated, so we’ll give you very specific instructions, after the jump. Read more on Wonkette Is 2007 Unity Candidate! (So Vote For Us)…
 

Metro Section: Expensive Club Outfits

* Grant it, Washington is a town of Southern efficiency. [Craigslist] * Get on the Fucker Bus to Page Fuckergate. [Sour N Sweet] * Alan Morrison joins DC attorney general’s office. [City Desk] * “When I started blogging, I didn’t see men in a negative way.” [Redhead in the City] * Pick out your dog’s outfit for Tuesday’s 5th annual Sugar and Champagne Affair at the Hotel Palomar. [Metrocurean] * Blogger wears “expensive club outfits,” drinks screwdrivers. [Roosh V] Read more on Metro Section: Expensive Club Outfits…
 

The Surge Is Already Working!

There’s great news for America: The federal deficit has finally fallen back to early-2002 levels, meaning things are now only as bad as they were immediately after 9/11. Why the not-so-bad news? The surge, obviously: Read more on The Surge Is Already Working!…
 

Metro Section: Stereotype Edition

* Only thing better than NPR Wine is PBS coffee. [alternative hoppopotamus] * Tofu makes you gay. Rioting in China. [The Republic of Tea] * “I try to avoid writing two Metro posts in a row, but, a $116,000,000.00 budget shortfall? Jesus Christ. Now fares may be increasing and weekend service will be trimmed. But, to make up for all that, Metro is considering discounts for reverse commuters. Eff that. Those motherfuckers should be paying more.” [why.i.hate.dc ] * “Just got my year end bonus – $75,000″ Same here! Thanks, Cocktober. [Craigslist] * “Wishlist: Diamonds Boyfriend Chocolate” [Tiaras Optional] Read more on Metro Section: Stereotype Edition…
 

House Investigation Bravely Cites Wonkette

Finally, the U.S. government has noted our Hard Work. We are Exhibit 11 in the House Ethics Committee’s investigation of the Mark Foley cover-up — an investigation that bravely concluded that nobody did anything wrong and the congresspeople on the committee are the bestest, smartest people anywhere. Read more on House Investigation Bravely Cites Wonkette…
 

GOP House Leadership Totally Innocent!

Finally, we can put Cocktober behind us: The Republican House Leadership has just concluded that the Republican House Leadership is totally innocent of wrongdoing in the Mark Foley cover-up. Hooray for justice! The “ethics panel” will announce this in a few minutes, and we are “live blogging” it. Read more on GOP House Leadership Totally Innocent!…
 

New Month, New GOP Sex Crime

Blovember is gone and Cocktober is history, but American Family Values cannot be erased with a simple midterm election: Seattle GOP activist Larry Corrigan has been arrested and charged with trying to arrange sex with a 13-year-old girl. Read more on New Month, New GOP Sex Crime…