Tag Archives: cocktober

  america's wang we love you

Florida Politicians Sure Do Love Paying For Sex

How many elected officials in the state of Florida have to be discovered on a list of clients at a brothel before Your Wonkette deigns to write about it? One? Two? Three? Oh, no, wait, we guess it’s only two. So, noted central Florida pimp Mark David Risner, what sort of politicians did you lure to the “sex room” in your house, for paid sex? A state representative and “rising GOP star,” plus a comically titled “vice mayor”? And they paid you $200 an hour, which last we checked the exchange rate was about two and a half whore diamonds? Nice work! Read more on Florida Politicians Sure Do Love Paying For Sex…
  cocktober alumni newsletter

Friend of Children Mark Foley Looking At Running For Office Again

Guess who may run for mayor of West Palm Beach, Florida! Mark Foley is certain the voters would give him a chance. “I do have the luxury that I can be the last man to file if I choose to, and still have the name ID,” he told a local newspaper. That does sound very luxurious! Mark Foley will announce his candidacy from a steamy hot tub full of only the finest chocolates and Taylor Lautner impersonators. Or that will probably be how he announces; we don’t know for sure because he made his Twitter account private after we shared its beauty with the rest of the Internet. Sure, voters may be more likely to vote for an Al Qaeda candidate than Mark Foley. But he seems pretty sure they still like him despite everything. Read more on Friend of Children Mark Foley Looking At Running For Office Again…
  paladino's an abortionist too!

Taiwan Animators Fantasize About Carl Paladino’s Gay Campaign

Who knew Carl Paladino would be so much fun, what with his homosexual gay-man night clubs and the boobies and the gay parades? We thought he was just an ignorant boring gazillionaire creep who forced racist porn on his underlings! Read more on Taiwan Animators Fantasize About Carl Paladino’s Gay Campaign…
  cocktober surprise

Mark Foley’s Name Will Be Cleared!

A long time ago right before this current presidential campaign began, in 2006, there was a charming middle-aged Florida bachelor congressman named Mark Foley who loved to masturbate while typing dirty messages to the boy-children who served as Congressional pages. Occasionally, he would show up drunk at the boy-page barn and demand some action. There is nothing wrong with this, and Congressmen wouldn’t have those young supple pages supplied by the government if not to fuck those kids, right? Read more on Mark Foley’s Name Will Be Cleared!…
 

A New, Very Gay Larry Craig Court Reply

Wow, we’d gotten so entangled in the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal that we forgot about America’s Gays and their leader, Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. What’s that unbelievably gay man been up to recently? When not scanning over intern applications, it seems he’s still going on about that little airport incident last summer. His lawyers have entered another “reply” to the court of Minnesota, arguing in vain that What He Did was not gay at all. Let’s find the most hilariously gay moments of this 42-page document! Read more on A New, Very Gay Larry Craig Court Reply…
 

Liberal Elitist Democrat Wins ‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Allen’s Florida Seat

Democrat Tony Sasso (Sasso, Sasso, has a nice ring to it) has defeated some guy by 400 votes to win the special election for Florida House District 32. It’s an important election on all levels, but coincidentally, this is the seat from which ex-Republican state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen resigned last year, after he was found guilty of offering blowjobs to everyone in the bathroom. Congratulations, SASSO! We half-wish the Republican challenger had won, however, since he would have been hilariously gay as well. [Orlando Sentinel] Read more on Liberal Elitist Democrat Wins ‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Allen’s Florida Seat…
 

Pelosi Already Checked The Computers For Porn, Ok?

Cocktober 2006 was a beautiful time; we remember it fondly, becoming misty-eyed and nostalgic whenever we are reminded of that better, simpler time when everyone was really interested in sexytime emails and porn. One of those times that makes us misty is right now, as we are told that Nancy Pelosi won’t help Florida law enforcement probe any deeper into whether or not our old friend Mark Foley committed any of a multitude of possible felonies. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement appealed to the Speaker herself to let them look at the backup tapes (tapes?) from Foley’s old computer, but Nancy said no. Read more on Pelosi Already Checked The Computers For Porn, Ok?…
 

‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Resurfaces in Rolling Stone

Former Florida state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen, the homosexual Republican who was tried and convicted for trying to blow this dude in a Florida potty, is back on our gaydar after landing in Rolling Stone’s “Yearbook 2007” issue. No, no, it’s not for the “Top 5 Florida Legislators of the Year” list, but for the one chronicling 2007’s best GOP sex scandals. Holler to Rolling Stone: We don’t really read you, but we respect you. -ish. [WESH] Read more on ‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob Resurfaces in Rolling Stone…
 

Dickcember: Plenty of Toothpaste in Tuber

So long to the mirthful tap-tap-tap of Endless Cummer, the bite of Cocktober, and what turned out to be a mildly gusty Blowvember. We will commemorate your legacies during Dickcember, the winner of our poll. Write-in candidate “Jizzember” almost stole the crown from Dickcember, the wealthiest and most connected candidate, but get real — this is Amerka, and we don’t elect underdogs. Anyway, with Hanucockkah, Cockzaa and Dickmas all integral aspects of the Dickcember melting poofter (no? not working?), don’t be surprised to see some secret, usually gay, usually hypocritical, usually ugly and always funny dicks in Wonkette news. Happy… Whoridays? Read more on Dickcember: Plenty of Toothpaste in Tuber…
 

Cocktober… Blowvember… ???

Crap crap crap, it’s Blowvember 30 and we haven’t settled on a name for December yet! We’re not even going to attempt to make this diamonds/pearls-esque decision, so, um… small request… you do it? After the jump, our poll (which will be open until we arbitrarily close it sometime later today): What shall we call December? And if people bitch about the winner later on, we’ll just pass all blame on Ben Johnson. Read more on Cocktober… Blowvember… ???…
 

Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts, who has been on a leave of absence since Cocktober, resigned Friday, effective immediately. Satan’s forces are advancing! The pants party don’t never stop. [AP] Read more on …
 

Ultimate Price of Bob Allen’s Sucky Fun: $400K

Remember how we said the “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen saga was kaput? Well, it still is — unless you live in Florida. If you follow the logical thread that bathroom blowjob = gay embarrassment = weeklong misdemeanor trial = conviction = resignation, the laugh cycle has reached its limit for most Americans. But for Floridians it continues, because resignation = special election = MONEY$. And as the Orlando Sentinel reported today, a special election could cost the state $400,000. The state could either tap into its tax revenue or allow Bob Allen to buy 20,000 blowjobs from government employees. Filling Rep. Bob Allen’s seat could cost Orange, Brevard $200,000 each [Orlando Sentinel] Read more on Ultimate Price of Bob Allen’s Sucky Fun: $400K…
 

Bob Allen Sentenced, Resigns :(

Wonkette readers, we must be the bearer of bad news. The saga of Florida’s now ex-state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen has finally come to a satisfying, but bittersweet, close. Yesterday afternoon, Allen was sentenced on a misdemeanor count of solicitation for prostitution (in lay terms: they done punished him for trying to blow that guy in the potty room). Today, Allen resigned from the Florida House of Representatives — effective Feb. 15, 2008, for some reason. A sad day for America, sure, but “Twenty Dollar” Bob leaves us with one final goldmine of makefunnery: the terms of his sentencing. Read more on Bob Allen Sentenced, Resigns :(…
 

Downer Gay People Ruining Fun!

The best newspaper on the face of the earth — the Idaho Statesman — reports that some random gay people called the “National Gay and Lesbian Task Force” are trying to nix liberal bloggers’ would-be meal ticket: The Senate ethics investigation into Larry Craig. WHY? WHY MUST YOU HATE US, MEAN GAY PEOPLE?? Read more on Downer Gay People Ruining Fun!…
 

David Phillips Talks Poofter, Larry Craig on Radio

David Phillips — The Great White Bear, the Poofter, the legend who suffered a “Santorum-laced” evening with Larry Craig in 1987 so that our children might live in a better world — appeared on the Sirius OutQ radio show with Michelangelo Signorile last Friday. There, he discussed the two most important things ever: license plates and sex with Larry Craig. Check out the full audio at Pam’s House Blend. Larry Craig’s alleged pickup dishes on the Mike Signorile show [Pam’s House Blend]Sirius OutQ Read more on David Phillips Talks Poofter, Larry Craig on Radio…
 

From Florida Today: “5:42 p.m…. A jury found state Rep. Bob Allen guilty of sex solicitation in his trial in Viera.” So sad. Not the verdict, just that the trial is over. Can we have another? [Florida Today] Read more on …