While there have been many successful government conspiracies against the American people — Enron, Iran-Contra, the S&L collapse, “Dancing With the Stars,” 9/11, etc. — the proletariat prefers simpler narratives, such as the troubling connections between the tragic loss of Gerald Ford and James Brown within a few hours of each other.

All the evidence of a massive, far-reaching riddle wrapped in an enigma, after the jump.

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Christmas used to be a happier time, back when we weren’t losing wars all over the world and in national decline. For example, in the 1970s George W. Bush was just another harmless preppie jackass with the tie and blazer slung over his shoulder and a cigarette in his hand. And Rick Santorum’s daughter was there, dressed in her summer-Chrizmas finest. And Tucker Carlson was there, too, with his arm around Poppy Bush and the same stylish jacket-tie problem. MORE »

• Bitches can now set the man up themselves: (202) 678-3682. [Metroblogging]
• In other drug related just-kidding-but-not-really news, new cocaine you can drink. We don’t mean Sparks. Dumbest fucking idea since the Pelosi trucker hat. [Catch Up Lady]
• “Tonight Pulitzer-winning poet Claudia Emerson, memoirist Jeannette Walls and short story writer Deborah Eisenberg are on tap at Fall for the Book.” [The Happy Booker]
• Thank you so much for this memory: “Or one like that really stupid commercial that used to air years ago, where the guy faces off against a bad CGI dragon, pulls out a sword, and is magically transformed into a marine.” [The DC Universe]
• “…how can Webb say that he never used the word ‘nigger’ as an epithet? How else can one use that word? As a descriptive adjective?” [why.i.hate.dc]

Often the question is asked: Why haven’t we blogged about Rep. Robert Wexler’s cocaine-lovin’ appearance on “The Colbert Report”? To be honest, the pickings were too easy. It’s not really “news” when Colbert embarrasses a congressman anymore, and our attempt to get comment from local Republicans fell flat. But thank God for Fox News’ resident celebrity impersonator Brian Wilson. “Liberal Viewer” has posted a YouTube video comparing the edit of Colbert-Wexler that Wilson ran and the actual footage from Colbert’s show. Fox clipped several seconds of Wexler laughing along and being coached, and cut right to Wexler saying he enjoyed cocaine. Surprise: This made Wexler come off more craven and out of touch than he actually was. MORE »

• Reliable Source: Tom Hanks and Dennis Miller spotted at the Spy Museum after Saturday’s Nats game. [WP]
• Heard on the Hill: Rep. Robert Wexler (D-Fla.) enjoys coke and prostas, owes his career to Flava Flav’s “The Flavor of Love.” [Roll Call]
• The Scoop: Madonna fans say Clear Channel stations won’t play the latest album because of Madonna’s anti-Bush commentary. 5,000 fans have signed a petition and “a number of petition signers report that when they request Madonna’s music, they’re told by Clear Channel-owned stations she’s too old or not popular enough.” [MSNBC]
• Page Six: A clear indication that he needs to cut his hair, Sir Bob Geldof only sold 45 of 12,000-concert seats in Milan last week. [NYP]

This, taken from the front page of Rep. Henry Bonilla’s (R-TX) website, appears to be the congressman posing with some sort of sheriff (?) and a couple hundred grand worth of… pure smack? Uncut yayo? The seemingly connected press release, about deporting Salvadorians, mentions drug cartels, but doesn’t explain why Bonilla looks so proud of himself. Or how he got so much blow into what looks to be his office. He must’ve been wearing his member pin. MORE »

And maybe they read this blog. Yesterday we commended them for running this great photo and caption: MORE »

The guy publicly confesses to being a coke fiend. So this is the photograph they choose to run: MORE »

President George W. Bush, April 5, 2006: MORE »

We previously asked you about a blind item, from Payola Six, concerning the cocaine-using daughter “of a high-powered politician.” In your guesses, some of you suggested Chelsea Clinton. We dismissed such speculation: “Chelsea Clinton was jokingly named (jokingly, since she’s probably too much of a goody-goody to do coke).” MORE »