Tag Archives: cocaine

  Shanah tovah u'betcha

Sarah Palin Wishes You a Very Happy Jew Year!

Every Jew in America — nay, every Jew throughout the world, today and across all time — wants one thing on Rosh Hashanah: a message from Sarah Palin. Fortunately, thanks to the magic of Facebook and Palin’s recent rediscovery of her Jewish heritage, this is now possible! And now that the fact that Sarah does not write her own Facebook ramblings is out in the open, this message isn’t even all that word salad-y, which is good, because the Jews tend to be smart people who don’t appreciate shapeless snowbilly prose. What magical words does Sarah have for the Chosen People — and how will her non-chosen fans react? Read more on Sarah Palin Wishes You a Very Happy Jew Year!…
  distractions

GlennBeckPalooza Already Forgotten Thanks To Paris Hilton’s Cocaine & the Emmys

Mad Men,, Glee and Paris Hilton’s arrest in Las Vegas for (allegedly!) dropping a sack of coke when the cops pulled her over — these are the three things America paid attention to this weekend, instead of Glenn Beck’s WalMart Parking Lot Jamboree. [Washington Post] Read more on GlennBeckPalooza Already Forgotten Thanks To Paris Hilton’s Cocaine & the Emmys…
  it's morning in america

Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns

If you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren’t you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know who to vote for, or even what party you’re registered with? Well, Nate Silver assigned one of his lackeys to explain which races are important and/or competitive, though we note that Joan Heffington isn’t even mentioned in the discussion of the Kansas primary, so how accurate can this analysis be, really? Read more on Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns… Read more on Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns…
  civil rights is over

Beloved Symbol of Hope, David Paterson, Officially Quits Campaign

Haha, we almost put “Officially Quits Race” in the headline, but how can a civil rights leader and symbol of hope/change such as David Paterson quit his own race? Anyway, so much for the dream, the dream of America’s first blind black governor. Just 11 months ago, America gathered around its communal browser and held hands and cried, just a little, as it seemed the nation’s old wounds had finally healed in the form of this wonderful man and his magical, appointed-by-somebody rise to the highest office in … Albany. But now it’s over, collapsed in a pile of cocaine and whores and thuggish sidekicks, as so many New York political/entertainment careers have collapsed. Read more on Beloved Symbol of Hope, David Paterson, Officially Quits Campaign…
  nobody uses straight razors anymore

Exciting White House Coke Scandal Was Just A Prank!

Hey so here is a thing! Once upon a long time ago (earlier this week, when your editor was busy Googling “galloway drink-soaked popinjay”) somebody took a picture of what looked suspiciously like ILLEGAL POWDERED DRUGS and said basically “Long day at the office, you would not BELIEVE where the office is BTW” and then posted the photo and comment to 4chan, whereupon somebody looked at the metadata on the photo and figured out it was COMING FROM INSIDE THE (WHITE) HOUSE. Except probably not! Read more on Exciting White House Coke Scandal Was Just A Prank!…
  cartoon violence

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

By the Comics CurmudgeonOnce every a generation or so, it’s important that our comfortable lives are shaken up, so that we can take stock and figure out what’s really important. Sure, economic disruptions are painful, but they can also herald a return to self-reliance and old-fashioned, time-tested values. Unfortunately, our current economic crisis passed that point weeks ago, so now you’re sort of just rubbing it in, Cold Dead Hand of Adam Smith. We promise to stop with the credit cards and the adjustable rate mortgages, OK? Just give us our fucking 401Ks back. Sadly, it appears that our political leaders will be forced to take truly drastic steps to stop our planet from being transformed into a vast hobo jungle. Read more on Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures…
 

Barack Obama’s Wild College Days!

Back when he was a young pup, Barack Obama went to college. Some of his former classmates remember he was a supernice guy who stood up to menacing bums; others say he was aloof; and still others ask, “Barry who?” Such was the wonderful enigmatic palimpsest of Barack Obama back in the days when he wore “$5 military-surplus khakis and used leather jackets” and roomed with some guy who later became a loser due to his cocaine addiction. Read more on Barack Obama’s Wild College Days!…
 

Your Guide To Jenna Bush’s Trashy Texas Wedding

Finally, George and Laura have almost married off one of the First Twins! It only took eight years, but Jenna found a “taker” and she’s getting hitched tomorrow at her parents’ fake “ranch” in Crawford, which sounds only a little better than “Waco,” and it’s time to celebrate the occasion with a bunch of bullshit trivia, after the jump. Read more on Your Guide To Jenna Bush’s Trashy Texas Wedding…
 

Pathetic Dollar Means All Cocaine Goes To Europe!

In some terrible news for full-time bloggers, the amount of cocaine being trafficked into the United States from our “southwestern” borders is sharply declining, if lower government seizures are any indication (not like “ha ha that guy’s freaking out”-style seizures, but actual seizures of cocaine. Same thing?) John Walters, the U.S. DRUG CZAR, also says that the purity and and price of cocaine has fallen in our fair country as well. This probably is why Bear Stearns was too lazy to save itself, and also why it took insane risks in previous years when cocaine was still good. So now all the cocaine is going to Europe, where they have a very strong currency. Now they can make crazy loans too! [BBC] Read more on Pathetic Dollar Means All Cocaine Goes To Europe!…
 

OMG Newest NY Governor Did Drugs!

This David Paterson guy is a real piece of work. First he admits that when his marriage hit a rough patch he dated other women, instead of engaging the services of a high-dollar prostitute like any normal politician. And now instead of vehemently denying he knows anything about drugs he says he did them once, in his impetuous youth! Read more on OMG Newest NY Governor Did Drugs!…
 

Obama And Chafee Are United By Love Of Blow

Even though Presidential candidate Barack “Barry Hussein” Obama maybe didn’t do as many drugs in high school and college as he said he did–leading many, of course, to wonder if he’s really the truth-teller America needs in the White House right now–he is still on record as being a fan of the cocaine. And you know who else is? His new friend Lincoln Chafee, the most lovable Fraggle ever elected to the Senate! Read more on Obama And Chafee Are United By Love Of Blow…
 

Man Had Sex, Drugs, And Other AWFUL Things With Obama, Of Course

Barack Obama had… some kind of sex… with this man! With the drugs and the blackness and all of those things that happen. As he says, um, they — [curve that cue card up to the right, thanks] — got in a limo and did some heroi — [oh, coke it was, scratch the heroin line and let’s go with coke] — did some cocaine and then had all sorts of gay blowjobs together [will I be more believable if I shave? Meh, let’s run with this]. [Youtube] Read more on Man Had Sex, Drugs, And Other AWFUL Things With Obama, Of Course…
 

Kerry Drinks More Obama Juice, Detoxes Obama

Failed presidential candidate and Barry supporter John Kerry ripped the Clintons Monday for their “petty” hints at Obama’s past drug usage. In an interview with the HuffPo website, Frankenstein notes: “That kind of discussion… from a campaign where the former president made famous the words ‘I did not inhale’ is to make something an issue that they themselves acknowledged shouldn’t be.” But John, did you hear that Obama is black? [HuffPo] Read more on Kerry Drinks More Obama Juice, Detoxes Obama…
 

GOP bigshot who put up a million dollars’ worth of Bush 2000 campaign billboards tied to both private jets loaded with tons of cocaine caught by Mexico’s drug cops. [Mad Cow Productions] Read more on …
 

Rudy’s Coke Addict/Coke Dealer Resigns As State Treasurer

A month after he was indicted on federal cocaine-dealing charges, Republican hero Thomas Ravenel has finally resigned as South Carolina’s state treasurer and Rudy Giuliani’s campaign chairman for the state. The 44-year-old cokehead has, of course, been in rehab for the past month. Because he’s a millionaire white Republican, he is going to another rehab next, instead of, you know, spending the rest of his life getting raped in prison: Read more on Rudy’s Coke Addict/Coke Dealer Resigns As State Treasurer…