Tag: cocaine

Nation Safe From First-Time-Offender Drug Queen-Pin Granny For Rest Of Her Natural Life

Hey Drug War, what's new? Lock up any first-time-offender grannies who had no idea they were participating in a drug-mule operation between Messico and Tejas? You did? Awesome. For how long? Forever? Well it is ABOUT TIME! Good job,...

Bible-Loving Ohio Teabagger Also Really Loves Prostitutes, Drugs

Oh good, the Family Values club of GOP politicians can finally add another tally mark to the heterosexual column on their crowded "hookers 'n coke scandal" scorecard! It's a lonely column, that one. What a marvelous lede Cincinnati.com has:...

World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is

More happy cherry blossom news from Japan! Extremely radioactive water has been discovered outside one of the Fukushima reactors, which means there's a good chance that radioactive liquid is seeping into Mother Earth right now as we are typing...

COCAINE FOUND IN SPACE (CENTER)

CNN REPORTS: NASA's Inspector General's Office says an investigation is under way after a white powdery substance found at the Kennedy Space Center tested positive for cocaine. "Law enforcement personnel field tested the substance, which indicated a positive test for cocaine,"...

Glenn Beck Glad Some Family’s House Burnt Down, Restores Honor and Hope

If you haven't heard the worst news of the week yet: Some Tennessee firemen sat around and watched as a family's house burned to a crisp, because somebody forgot to pay their $75 Fireman Subscription! Glenn Beck knows that...

Sarah Palin Wishes You a Very Happy Jew Year!

Every Jew in America -- nay, every Jew throughout the world, today and across all time -- wants one thing on Rosh Hashanah: a message from Sarah Palin. Fortunately, thanks to the magic of Facebook and Palin's recent...

GlennBeckPalooza Already Forgotten Thanks To Paris Hilton’s Cocaine & the Emmys

Mad Men,, Glee and Paris Hilton's arrest in Las Vegas for (allegedly!) dropping a sack of coke when the cops pulled her over -- these are the three things America paid attention to this weekend, instead of Glenn Beck's...

Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns

If you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren't you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know...

Beloved Symbol of Hope, David Paterson, Officially Quits Campaign

Haha, we almost put "Officially Quits Race" in the headline, but how can a civil rights leader and symbol of hope/change such as David Paterson quit his own race? Anyway, so much for the dream, the dream of America's...

Exciting White House Coke Scandal Was Just A Prank!

Hey so here is a thing! Once upon a long time ago (earlier this week, when your editor was busy Googling "galloway drink-soaked popinjay") somebody took a picture of what looked suspiciously like ILLEGAL POWDERED DRUGS and said basically...

The Justice Department Will Now Pursue Goals That Involve Procuring Justice

Eric Holder and his famous Justice Department (Civil Rights Division) are going to be combating social injustices this fall, and there's a whole new team of lawyers, qualified ones, who will start hanging around to help them do it....

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

By the Comics CurmudgeonOnce every a generation or so, it's important that our comfortable lives are shaken up, so that we can take stock and figure out what's really important. Sure, economic disruptions are painful, but they can...