Tag Archives: cocaine

  America is cancelled

Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack

Definitely not an NWA fan.
Bill O’Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian, and now that number is only 70.6 percent, sadface. So who is to blame? Is it the Jooz and the Muslims? MAYBE! Their numbers have grown by a whopping 0.2 percent and 0.5 percent, respectively. They are attacking Americans with their matzoh balls and their Sharia law! But no, the real culprit is the “unaffiliated” lot, who are now a full 22.8 percent of the population. Bill O’Reilly knows what it causing this, and it is rap music: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack…
  gotta keep them children motivated somehow!

Florida Parents: You Keep A ‘B’ Average, We’ll Keep Giving You Weed And Cocaine. Deal?

Funny, they look ... just like Florida parents.
Parenting is the toughest! You have to keep the kids fed, but you also want them to grow up and be productive citizens, and you don’t get a handbook at the hospital on how to make that happen. So sometimes you just gotta work with what the good Lord gave ya, and for Florida couple Joey and Chadd Mudd, the good Lord gave them drugs, so many drugs. So they figured, this house ain’t gonna clean itself (because they’re probably always high), and it’s not like they’ve got time to help the kids, ages 13 and 15, with their homework (because they’re probably … you get it), so they came up with a system. Reward the little children for good grades and getting all their chores done, with weed and blow! Read more on Florida Parents: You Keep A ‘B’ Average, We’ll Keep Giving You Weed And Cocaine. Deal?…
  cocaine is a hell of a drug

Cokehead Congressman Will Manage Your Crisis, For Money (To Buy More Cocaine)

You guys remember Trey Radel, don’t you? He’s the former “hip-hop conservative” (he really called himself that!) congresscritter (from Florida, naturally) who has a little problem with the booger sugar — or more specifically, being caught with the booger sugar — which led to him resigning last year. Read more on Cokehead Congressman Will Manage Your Crisis, For Money (To Buy More Cocaine)…
  Sins Of The Son

Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine

Having the Royal Navy bring him the stuff was probably a mistake on his part
Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter was discharged from the Navy Reserve in February of this year after failing a drug test for cocaine, according to the Wall Street Journal. It’s a sad story, and pretty unremarkable, but thank god, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet, Gateway Pundit’s Kristinn Taylor, was able to find a way to make it a symptom of Joe Biden’s duplicity: Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine…
  i'm rick james bitch

Oklahoma’s Former GOP Chief Reminds Us That Cocaine Is One Hell Of A Drug

What’s up with the GOP and substance abuse these days? First there was the “cocaine Congressman” from Florida, and then the drunk-driving Taco Bell state representative, also from Florida. Apparently Oklahoma has a big SAD about not getting enough attention, so former GOP party chief Chad Alexander played the role of spoiled child and screamed LOOK AT MEEEEEEE: Chad Alexander, a prominent lobbyist and former chairman of the Oklahoma Republican Party, was arrested on drug complaints after a traffic stop in Oklahoma City in which police officers said they found cocaine and pills. Read more on Oklahoma’s Former GOP Chief Reminds Us That Cocaine Is One Hell Of A Drug…
  it's a nice day for a weed wedding

Scott Walker Will Not Get All Potted Up At Your Hippie Wedding, Wisconsin

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker has a profound insight into the cultural and medical reasons that make alcohol okay, while marijuana should not be decriminalized: “If I’m at a wedding reception here and somebody has a drink or two, most people wouldn’t say they’re wasted,” he said. “Most folks with marijuana wouldn’t be sitting around a wedding reception smoking marijuana.” “Now there are people who abuse (alcohol), no doubt about it, but I think it’s a big jump between someone having a beer and smoking marijuana,” he added. We’re not sure what’s more wonderful about that statement: the image of a bunch of damn hippies getting potted up on weed at a wedding, or the equally Wisconsinish image of a reception hall decked out with white paper bells and streamers and tables covered with empty Schlitz cans. Read more on Scott Walker Will Not Get All Potted Up At Your Hippie Wedding, Wisconsin…
  she don't lie she don't lie she don't lie

How An Underemployed Michigan Rocker Chick Became The Cocaine Queen Of ’80s L.A.

This is the stuff of Martin Scorsese movies, only without the inevitable stylized downfall. It’s been over five years since the following was published in Los Angeles City Beat, and I still think the cream of Cissie’s con was to run her operation wide open in the middle of a Hollywood then busy blaming the nation’s Drug Problem on ghetto pushers and slippin’ gangbangers. The period’s culture let her hide in plainest of sight, luck had little to do with how she operated, and she was long gone when the last hammer went down. Read more on How An Underemployed Michigan Rocker Chick Became The Cocaine Queen Of ’80s L.A….
  'florida man' strikes again

Cokehead Trey Radel Resigning From Congress To Spend More Time With His Coke

Florida congresshoover Trey Radel, the “hip-hop conservative” who went and got himself busted for cocaine possession back in November, will resign today, according to pretty much everyone. His letter to Speaker John Boehner says, “is my belief that professionally I cannot fully and effectively serve as a United States Representative to the place I love and call home, Southwest Florida.” He said that 2014 has already “been tremendously positive as I focus on my health, family and faith.” In other words, god only knows what horrible revelation was just about to come out, BYEEEEEE. Read more on Cokehead Trey Radel Resigning From Congress To Spend More Time With His Coke…
  sweet transvestite

Woman Says CIA Got Coked-Up Murderer Obama Into Elite Prep School, Also Why Are All These Spiders Crawling On Her?

So this guy from the Manning Report — who is apparently not Bob Barr but rather is this actual black racist from the Atlah church in Harlem — has unleashed a STUNNING REPORT on the “mack daddy,” one Barry Soetoro aka B. Barry Bamz, aka the Hitlerest Hitler who ever Gay-Hitlered, and that is via a phone interview with Mia Marie Pope, who grew up on Oahu several years younger than the GREAT PRETENDER HIMSELF. And what does Ms. Pope say? Oh, that when she was 13, 14 years old, during those years, all the neighborhood kids knew Barry Soetoro was stone-cold blowing older white sugardaddies for cocaine to freebase, and also the CIA got him into Punahou, the elite prep school that nobody could get into unless they were really important and/or blowing someone in the CIA. (Our mom was going to go to Punahou, but she never blew anyone in the CIA — THAT WE KNOW OF — and also her dad died and our grandma moved the family to the mainland before she could go to Punahou. Or at least THAT’S WHAT SHE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BELIEVE.) Read more on Woman Says CIA Got Coked-Up Murderer Obama Into Elite Prep School, Also Why Are All These Spiders Crawling On Her?…
  if your thing is gone and you wanna ride on

Obama Is Wrecking The World Because Of His Coke-Fueled Gay Sex Habit (Updated!)

(Updated; see end of post)  Remember last year when every poll in the known universe said Bamz gonna win but unskewed polls guy explained how no way because Nate Silver was kinda gay-ish? And then after the election that same superstar genius created his voter fraud website to explain to you that Bamz actually defrauded every state ever to impose his evil will on us? WE LOVE THAT GUY. No, for reals, we love that guy, because now he has popped up again (Not anymore! See update below) to help us understand how Obummer messed up BENGHAZI!!11! because he was out having himself a big gay cocaine-fest: While our consulate in Benghazi was attacked during the night of September 11 of last year, our fearless leader was allegedly hiding away somewhere getting “high as a kite” on cocaine. This is the speculation of Kevin DuJan, a self-described “gay conservative political analyst” writing for a publication called HillBuzz. DuJan states that his claim, which he appears to make based on knowledge and experience of drug addicts, explains the president being missing for most of the evening during the attack on Benghazi. Welp. WE are convinced of this for sure because it makes absolutely perfect sen….wait. Nope, no it doesn’t. In fact, Mr. Unskewed Polls Guy, it pretty much sounds like the thesis of your incredible revelation article is that Bamz was high because a dude you read on the internet who is super familiar with addicts — and by “familiar,’ we do not mean “through his career as a clinical expert” — says Bamz was high. Read more on Obama Is Wrecking The World Because Of His Coke-Fueled Gay Sex Habit (Updated!)…
  breaking the law breaking the law

Nation Safe From First-Time-Offender Drug Queen-Pin Granny For Rest Of Her Natural Life

Hey Drug War, what’s new? Lock up any first-time-offender grannies who had no idea they were participating in a drug-mule operation between Messico and Tejas? You did? Awesome. For how long? Forever? Well it is ABOUT TIME! Good job, Drug War! And also, super-good-job, jury! We will no longer be under siege from the insidious threat that is Elisa Castillo not being behind bars for the rest of her natural life! Great life sentence, everyone involved! Well, everyone except for the actual drug kingpins who get non-life sentences or witness protection instead! Read more on Nation Safe From First-Time-Offender Drug Queen-Pin Granny For Rest Of Her Natural Life…
  republican family values

Bible-Loving Ohio Teabagger Also Really Loves Prostitutes, Drugs

Oh good, the Family Values club of GOP politicians can finally add another tally mark to the heterosexual column on their crowded “hookers ‘n coke scandal” scorecard! It’s a lonely column, that one. What a marvelous lede Cincinnati.com has: “Bible toting Clermont County politician Archie Wilson surfaced from drug treatment Tuesday to answer charges he traded drugs for sex at a bed bug infested motel.” Sexy! Read more on Bible-Loving Ohio Teabagger Also Really Loves Prostitutes, Drugs…
  it's morning in america

World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is

More happy cherry blossom news from Japan! Extremely radioactive water has been discovered outside one of the Fukushima reactors, which means there’s a good chance that radioactive liquid is seeping into Mother Earth right now as we are typing this. Tepco officials reported that radiation levels at Reactor No. 2 were “10 million times higher than normal before correcting that figure to 100,000.” That doesn’t sound fishy at all! (Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.) And while American Authorities promise that only trivial amounts of radiation have harmlessly trickled over to our continent, and that our precious anus burgers and plasma widescreens are still safe, four of eleven radiation detectors in California were offline for “repairs” last week. Oh, and now traces of radiation have been detected on the East Coast, on the other side of the world. So who knows? Maybe everyone will die today. Luckily there is already a plan to drain all the oceans and then use the radioactive saltwater to power spaceships to Mars. [BBC] Read more on World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is… Read more on World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is…
  say no to drugs say yes to tacos

COCAINE FOUND IN SPACE (CENTER)

CNN REPORTS: NASA’s Inspector General’s Office says an investigation is under way after a white powdery substance found at the Kennedy Space Center tested positive for cocaine. “Law enforcement personnel field tested the substance, which indicated a positive test for cocaine,” said Renee Juhans, an executive officer with the office. Read more on COCAINE FOUND IN SPACE (CENTER)…
  people who are dead inside

Glenn Beck Glad Some Family’s House Burnt Down, Restores Honor and Hope

If you haven’t heard the worst news of the week yet: Some Tennessee firemen sat around and watched as a family’s house burned to a crisp, because somebody forgot to pay their $75 Fireman Subscription! Glenn Beck knows that the real victim here is the fire department, which had to waste countless hours driving all the way out to this home just to watch it burn to the ground. And also obviously Glenn Beck has zero compassion for people who don’t pay their $75. This is in keeping with the noble Mormon tradition of Paying Your Dues. Joseph Smith, Jr. — the guy who found the Goldline coins inscribed with underage polygamy erotica in his backyard/invented Mormonism — would often go door-to-door, asking his neighbors to pay their “$75 Mormon Subscriptions.” Read more on Glenn Beck Glad Some Family’s House Burnt Down, Restores Honor and Hope…
  Shanah tovah u'betcha

Sarah Palin Wishes You a Very Happy Jew Year!

Every Jew in America — nay, every Jew throughout the world, today and across all time — wants one thing on Rosh Hashanah: a message from Sarah Palin. Fortunately, thanks to the magic of Facebook and Palin’s recent rediscovery of her Jewish heritage, this is now possible! And now that the fact that Sarah does not write her own Facebook ramblings is out in the open, this message isn’t even all that word salad-y, which is good, because the Jews tend to be smart people who don’t appreciate shapeless snowbilly prose. What magical words does Sarah have for the Chosen People — and how will her non-chosen fans react? Read more on Sarah Palin Wishes You a Very Happy Jew Year!…
  distractions

GlennBeckPalooza Already Forgotten Thanks To Paris Hilton’s Cocaine & the Emmys

Mad Men,, Glee and Paris Hilton’s arrest in Las Vegas for (allegedly!) dropping a sack of coke when the cops pulled her over — these are the three things America paid attention to this weekend, instead of Glenn Beck’s WalMart Parking Lot Jamboree. [Washington Post] Read more on GlennBeckPalooza Already Forgotten Thanks To Paris Hilton’s Cocaine & the Emmys…
  it's morning in america

Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns

If you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren’t you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know who to vote for, or even what party you’re registered with? Well, Nate Silver assigned one of his lackeys to explain which races are important and/or competitive, though we note that Joan Heffington isn’t even mentioned in the discussion of the Kansas primary, so how accurate can this analysis be, really? Read more on Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns… Read more on Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns…
  civil rights is over

Beloved Symbol of Hope, David Paterson, Officially Quits Campaign

Haha, we almost put “Officially Quits Race” in the headline, but how can a civil rights leader and symbol of hope/change such as David Paterson quit his own race? Anyway, so much for the dream, the dream of America’s first blind black governor. Just 11 months ago, America gathered around its communal browser and held hands and cried, just a little, as it seemed the nation’s old wounds had finally healed in the form of this wonderful man and his magical, appointed-by-somebody rise to the highest office in … Albany. But now it’s over, collapsed in a pile of cocaine and whores and thuggish sidekicks, as so many New York political/entertainment careers have collapsed. Read more on Beloved Symbol of Hope, David Paterson, Officially Quits Campaign…
  nobody uses straight razors anymore

Exciting White House Coke Scandal Was Just A Prank!

Hey so here is a thing! Once upon a long time ago (earlier this week, when your editor was busy Googling “galloway drink-soaked popinjay”) somebody took a picture of what looked suspiciously like ILLEGAL POWDERED DRUGS and said basically “Long day at the office, you would not BELIEVE where the office is BTW” and then posted the photo and comment to 4chan, whereupon somebody looked at the metadata on the photo and figured out it was COMING FROM INSIDE THE (WHITE) HOUSE. Except probably not! Read more on Exciting White House Coke Scandal Was Just A Prank!…
  cartoon violence

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

By the Comics CurmudgeonOnce every a generation or so, it’s important that our comfortable lives are shaken up, so that we can take stock and figure out what’s really important. Sure, economic disruptions are painful, but they can also herald a return to self-reliance and old-fashioned, time-tested values. Unfortunately, our current economic crisis passed that point weeks ago, so now you’re sort of just rubbing it in, Cold Dead Hand of Adam Smith. We promise to stop with the credit cards and the adjustable rate mortgages, OK? Just give us our fucking 401Ks back. Sadly, it appears that our political leaders will be forced to take truly drastic steps to stop our planet from being transformed into a vast hobo jungle. Read more on Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures…