We read that CNN and MSNBC each have been displaying a “Beer Summit Countdown Clock” during their programs this afternoon, and here’s proof! (What’s that alert on the bottom there? Something about many humans dying in that country we invaded and occupied just for shits and giggles? Ha ha, weird, whatever.) But maybe the Beer Summit will be GOOD FOR AMERICA, and Washington, which has just been making everyone insane this week, unlike other weeks. MORE »

Birth control? The spork? Caucuses? The labradoodle? The Volkswagen Thing? Democracy? Drip irrigation? Unmanned drones? [CNN]

The bounty hunters at CNN have located the plantation from which Michelle Obama escaped, and returned her. Pulitzer for Public Service much? [CNN via Wonkette bounty hunter "Patrick"]

Nutty Palin spokeslady Meg Stapleton was in New York when Nutty Palin suddenly resigned as governor of Alaska, the state that elected her as governor two-and-a-half years ago. Listen to Meg make NO SENSE as a baffled Anderson Cooper asks her again and again, “Lady why are you talking about basketball, and how does quitting equal leadership, and I don’t know who the hoop is, and who the ball is.” Cooper’s expressions around 4:40 are priceless. [CNN/YouTube]

Wonkette’s favorite girlfriend Jeanne Moos quoted our own Ken Layne referring to Obama’s “Ich bin ein Muslin” speech in Cairo yesterday. Other people, it appears, had the same clever catchphrase rattling around their skulls but whatever, Wonkette wins the Jeanne Moos News Hour. [CNN]

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger simply does not care for the right-wing fatso losers who now dominate the GOP. Rush Limbaugh has probably already revoked Arnold’s party membership. Soon the entire Republican party will consist of this bloated buffoon on the AM radio and the commenters at Free Republic. And Schwarzenegger will be the “green energy czar” or whatever in the Obama Administration, the end. [CNN]

The worst writer in the world, Washington Post landed gentry spokeswoman Richard Cohen, has met Elizabeth Edwards and John Edwards too! “I know John and Elizabeth Edwards — not well, just a bit. I’ve been to their house — the old house, the one in Washington. I had breakfast with them. I found her smart, likable. I never knew what to make of him. A three-dollar bill, I always suspected.” He knew about this all along, basically. “She drove me to where I could get a cab. We talked. What about? Can’t remember. Now this. What to think?” Who fucking knows GAHH! MORE »

Whoa, a black person on Sesame Street! They were not kidding, about the change. Here is elitist fashion plate Michelle Obama disrespecting our Queen again by saying the best thing she ever did was some kind of fetish play with a red monster which is actually just some terrible carpet with ping pong balls for eyes and a gay dude’s hand up its ass. Exercise, it’s what’s for dinner, fat America! [YouTube]

To be fair, he didn’t say the Republican Party was dead in the South. So, they’ve still got that going for them …. [YouTube]

How great was Levi Johnston and his myriad singular-product-named siblings and his sketchy mom on Larry King Live Tuesday night? We are assuming the answer is “So Awesome.” We’ll post the video later, or not, but meanwhile here’s the only image you need: Shrunken-head banality machine Larry King lovingly examining Levi’s various tattoos on his left (communist) arm, including the classic “Bristol” in hippie script font on his wedding-ring finger. [CNN Photo, hat tip to Andrew Malcolm]

Weren’t we just talking about Larry King? Yes we were! Well, the “king of all media” has some very special guests tonight, straight from the meth/moose/Taco Bell capital of the world, Wasilla. The singular Levi and Mercede Johnston will sit down this evening with Hollywood’s favorite death muppet, and dope-dealin’ mom Sherry Johnston is coming along for the ride. (The ride will be in an actual pickup truck, driven from Alaska. Sherry will be shotgun. Mercede likes to be closest to Levi, in the night.) MORE »