Tag Archives: cnn

  This is EXCELLENT news for you know who

Here’s Why John McCain Is On Your TV Every Day

Fuck this guy
John McCain is on cable news and Sunday morning talk shows more than anyone in the history of being on television, and sure, we’ve guessed it’s because bookers at every single news channel cannot be bothered to ask Google for the name and number of anyone else in America. But now, per the Washington Post’s interview with CNN Washington Bureau Chief Sam Feist, we have the answer: Read more on Here’s Why John McCain Is On Your TV Every Day…
  Falsifier Falsifier Trousers Aflame!

Hero Navy SEAL Kind Of Made Up Story About Getting Shot By 3 Big Scary Black Guys

Chris Heben shows off his wounds from the Race War
The nice gentleman with all the stitches up there is Chris Heben, of Medina, Ohio. He is a retired Navy SEAL who approaches life with the gusto you’d expect of an American Hero, which is why he has been a frequent guest expert on CNN and Fox News. As his website explains, “Immediately following the termination of Osama Bin Laden … Chris emerged as the news media’s most featured special operations subject matter expert.” Read more on Hero Navy SEAL Kind Of Made Up Story About Getting Shot By 3 Big Scary Black Guys…
  Beat the press

Who Won Battleground Ferguson: Po-Po Or Journos? The Answer Will Amaze You!

gassy
  Still Life With Al Jazeera and Teargas. Image from video by KSDK As the teargas wafts away from the streets of Ferguson, Missouri, and the some of the members of the media covering the Mike Brown protests start to drift away to cover more pressing stories like the VMAs, let’s take a look back to see who came out ahead in the Battle to Cover Ferguson: the po-po or the journos. Read more on Who Won Battleground Ferguson: Po-Po Or Journos? The Answer Will Amaze You!…
  seems legit

Now Captain Ron Johnson Is a Gang Member, Sure Why Not

'bout to start a riot probably
Thank goodness we live in a POST-RACIAL SOCIETY, where black people are not automatically suspected of being gang members for making shapes with their hands. Hahaha, just kidding! Everyone knows black people use their hands like this, white people use their hands like that. So now, in addition to the foregone conclusion that Ferguson teen Michael Brown was most definitely a gangsta hopped up on marijuana and rap music, some doofus on the interwebs is just wonderin’ if Missouri Highway Patrol Captain Ron Johnson may also be flashing gang signs, as every single black person does because they are all in gangs, as we all know. Thankfully and tragically, the Washington Post is here to dispel that rumor: Read more on Now Captain Ron Johnson Is a Gang Member, Sure Why Not…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's always been a great dancer
Would you like to start your day with some laughs, some tears, or maybe just go straight to the drinking? Of course you would! And we are here to help. You know things in Ferguson have gotten really ugly when CNN’s Don Lemon almost got arrested: Read more on Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  stfu joe scarborough

WaPo Reporter Arrested In Ferguson Invites Joe Scarborough To Drink A Starbucks Cup Of STFU

Last night, Ferguson, Missouri, police arrested Wesley Lowery of the Washington Post and Ryan J. Reilly of HuffPo for assaulting a McDonald’s by charging their equipment there. Joe Scarborough, the former Republican congressman who leads off the day at liberal MSNBC by spewing balls-out sexist shit at his coanchor and laughing at equal pay, had some thoughts about that, like: why would a reporter try to cover something a police said he couldn’t cover? That’s just rude! (Police also tear-gassed a crew from Al Jazeera and then dismantled their equipment. Video here.) Joe Scarborough would like journalists to stop trying to get on TV and show the police some respect! Read more on WaPo Reporter Arrested In Ferguson Invites Joe Scarborough To Drink A Starbucks Cup Of STFU…
  knew you were waiting

America Can Breathe Easy Now That Michele Bachmann Has Weighed In On The Border Crisis

As much as what they are saying is idiotic, we can sort of understand why politicians that reside near the southern border of these here United States would like to weigh in and talk tough about porous borders and illeaglle children and brown hordes or whatever. But asking Michele Bachmann, a person who is quitting Congress in a few scant months, about her feels on the matter is just nonsensical, given that Michele’s frozen hellhole of a state could not be farther from the border. Or at least the southern one. But nonsensical is the unnecessarily resurrected Crossfire’s stock in trade, so they dragged Old Crazy Eyes onscreen to fight with Van Jones. Nobody won, America lost, you get the picture. Read more on America Can Breathe Easy Now That Michele Bachmann Has Weighed In On The Border Crisis…
  this is unfortunately cnn

CNN Pretty Sure Bowe Bergdahl Is Just Like That Nice Terrorist Fellow From ‘Homeland’

Welcome to your new Wonkette, which is all Bergdahl, all the time. Mostly we’ve been busy mocking Republicans who suddenly are pretty solid on hating the troops, mere days after crying insincere troop-loving crocodile tears over the VA hospital scandal, but today we’re going to take a break from that and hate on CNN instead, because good Christ CNN is stupid. Truly, this is lost Malaysian plane level of stupid. This is Don Lemon stupid. This…is CNN. Yes, CNN did an entire segment today on how Bowe Bergdahl — an actual factual person — is just like Nicholas Brody in Homeland, a made up teevee show. To be fair, it isn’t like CNN is likely all that clear on the difference. Read more on CNN Pretty Sure Bowe Bergdahl Is Just Like That Nice Terrorist Fellow From ‘Homeland’…
  media circus

Neil DeGrasse Tyson And Miles O’Brien Ponder Mystery Of Universe: CNN’s Ineffable, Incalculable Suck

Neil deGrasse Tyson and former CNN science correspondent Miles O’Brien had a nice chat about how cable news — especially CNN — doesn’t do so well with this “reporting” stuff. On Tyson’s “StarTalk” podcast, O’Brien said that CNN didn’t care so much for science reporters: “After all, what do we know about the Kardashians?” RawStory insists that this was a “joke,” but this is CNN, after all. Tyson & O’Brien discussed a number of journalistic sins at the cable network, notably the tendency to present “two sides” of every story, as if all perspectives, however badly informed, were equal: “Is it fair in a story about climate change,” O’Brien said, “which is clearly what I’m talking about, to do this journalistic convention of equal time for both sides. This is a huge mistake for journalism.” Unfortunately, it appears that neither O’Brian nor Tyson were aware that John Oliver solved that problem a week ago: just have 3 spokespeople for the climate deniers, and 97 scientists onstage for the consensus view (just make sure that one is Bill Nye). Read more on Neil DeGrasse Tyson And Miles O’Brien Ponder Mystery Of Universe: CNN’s Ineffable, Incalculable Suck…
  play to your strengths

Donald Sterling: Why Can’t Magic Johnson Be As Great A Guy As Donald Sterling?

Sadly, AC360 has only put  5 minutes of last night’s Donald Sterling debacle online, which is a shame because Sterling let his racist freak flag fly, except that he’s not a racist because he says he’s not a racist, which is a magical shield against being racist. Also, he bashed Magic Johnson. Read more on Donald Sterling: Why Can’t Magic Johnson Be As Great A Guy As Donald Sterling?…
  Boys will be boys

Girlfriend-Beating Tech Dude Saved The Emails From His Cool Tech Friends Who Don’t Mind Lady-Beating

Remember Gurbaksh Chahal? He’s the cool dude tech guy who beat the shit out of his girlfriend but then pleaded down to two misdemeanor battery counts so he could keep his job as CEO of RadiumOne. Except then RadiumOne fired him anyway. Since then Chahal’s been on a whineathon and has just released the emails of support board members sent him after his plea deal. Read more on Girlfriend-Beating Tech Dude Saved The Emails From His Cool Tech Friends Who Don’t Mind Lady-Beating…
  the magic fool bus

Cliven Bundy: Why Didn’t Martin Luther King End Racism Against Cliven Bundy?

You people honestly didn’t think you’d heard the last out of Cliven Bundy, did you? Do not be such sillybillies! Poor old boy’s been forsaken by his pals at Fox, where for nine straight hours Thursday, there was literally no mention of his racist remarks during the daytime news programming, and Gretchen Carlson actually shut down a guest who started talking about Bundy in an unrelated segment. But now he’s got more time to talk to CNN, as he did this morning on their New Day program, where he explained to host Chris Cuomo that he is definitely not a racist, but that he does just “wonder” about things, like whether maybe The Negro might not be happier in slavery than in bondage to government handouts. And he has done some thinking on all these matters, and well sir, it seems to him that in this big ol’ world, there aren’t really all that many differences between Martin Luther King Jr., “Rosa Park,” and Cliven Bundy, by golly. Especially since this big ol’ hullaballoo is all Martin Luther King Jr.’s fault. Read more on Cliven Bundy: Why Didn’t Martin Luther King End Racism Against Cliven Bundy?…
  sadly 'xe' was already taken

CNN Looks Into Whether KKK Can Rebrand As Kinder, Kooler, Kuddlier, Possibly With Happy Meals

On Sunday, CNN finally found something other than Flight 370 to be blindingly stupid about, asking whether, in the wake of the murders of three people at a Jewish Community Center in Kansas last week by racist and anti-Semite Frazier Glenn Miller, it might be possible for the Ku Klux Klan to “rebrand” itself. Spoiler: After consulting with a number of marketing experts, they decided that the answer is pretty much “no.” Still, it was an important enough question that CNN figured it was worth looking into, especially since Kinder and Gentler Klan leader Frank Ancona politely volunteered to share his message of nonviolent white supremacy with the network. Read more on CNN Looks Into Whether KKK Can Rebrand As Kinder, Kooler, Kuddlier, Possibly With Happy Meals…
  Fly By Night Away From Here

CNN’s Plane Coverage Claims First Victim

Remember last month when all CNN did was show planes and more planes to keep your eyeballs glued to the screen over the missing Malaysian Air jet? As the saga dragged on, CNN logged ceaseless hours in a flight simulator with a pilot, but now that pilot has been fired for looking grubby and shaming Canadians. Read more on CNN’s Plane Coverage Claims First Victim…
  clipbait

SNL’S Fake Ad For ‘CNN Pregnancy Test’ Not Quite As Bad As Actual CNN

Saturday Night Live has a pretty creative take on CNN’s constant, terrible coverage of the missing Malaysian airliner: What if CNN made a pregnancy test? You’d get constant updates, but no real information. It’s a cute fake ad, even if it’s no Happy Fun Ball, but it might have been funnier if instead of the constant “still searching for pregnancy” updates it had thrown a few more jabs at the substance of CNN’s lack of substance, like asking if the pregnancy could be detected by a psychic or showing a hologram of a uterus, complete with Wolf Blitzer turning off the lights in the studio to demonstrate how dark it is inside a lady’s mommyparts. Read more on SNL’S Fake Ad For ‘CNN Pregnancy Test’ Not Quite As Bad As Actual CNN…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart On CNN’s Flight 370 Coverage: ‘Pointing At S**t And Wondering What It Is’

Jon Stewart is in Full Media Critic Mode again; that’s always a beautiful thing to behold. Tuesday’s Daily Show brought another look at CNN’s increasingly content-free coverage of the missing Malaysian airliner. Sure, CNN got a ratings bump by becoming the Flight 370 Network, but Stewart has to ask: Is It Good For the News? Where other networks have moved on to other stories, updating the Malaysian airliner story only when something actually happens, CNN has steadfastly remained on the ramparts, occasionally pointing at shit and wondering what it is. Read more on Jon Stewart On CNN’s Flight 370 Coverage: ‘Pointing At S**t And Wondering What It Is’…
  bonus clipbait

Jon Stewart Gives CNN’s Missing Plane Coverage The Hilarious Tongue-Lashing It Deserves (Video)

Jon Stewart and the Daily Show returned from vacation last night, and not a moment too soon, because we really needed Stewart to mock the unrelenting wall of nonsense that is CNN’s coverage of the missing plane. And oh, mock he did. He reminded us that things started out in a relatively sober non-ridiculous fashion, with Anderson Cooper announcing the plane was missing. But then, notes Stewart, CNN realized it had an infinity of time to kill, and they went to town. Read more on Jon Stewart Gives CNN’s Missing Plane Coverage The Hilarious Tongue-Lashing It Deserves (Video)…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dredge Of Drips, Dreck, And Drudge

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you stories that didn’t quite merit a post of their own, but that were too stupid to ignore altogether. As always, you may want to fortify yourself with whatever you believe necessary to get through the experience — we suggest a couple of pan-galactic gargleblasters. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dredge Of Drips, Dreck, And Drudge…
  clipbait

Watch Chris Hayes Go Full Edward R. Murrow On Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 Coverage (Video)

We are a little in love with this Chris Hayes clip for his earnest pissed-offedness at what 24-hour cable news can do with a story when the demand for information far outstrips the supply of actual new information. With Flight 370, there’s only so many times you can say, “Nope, still don’t know anything new.” And so if you don’t report on anything else in the world, your network may very well end up with Don Lemon seriously asking if a black hole ate the airliner. Read more on Watch Chris Hayes Go Full Edward R. Murrow On Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 Coverage (Video)…
  beyond his ken... or barbie

CNN’s Don Lemon Has To Ask If A Black Hole Eated Up Malaysian Airliner

CNN’s Don Lemon is just trying to top himself, we guess. On Sunday, he wondered if maybe something supernatural had happened to Malaysia Airlines flight MH 370, since why not? And then by Wednesday, he was just throwing questions from Twitter at a panel of experts, because again, this is how science works: take any damn guess that someone came up with while baked and remembering old TV shows, and ask a scientist. And so Lemon asked former U.S. Department of Transportation Inspector General Mary Schiavo, with a Serious Journalism look on his face, if maybe there was some merit to tweeted questions about the Bermuda Triangle, Lost, The Twilight Zone, or the airliner maybe vanishing into a black hole. “That’s what people are saying,” Lemon said. “I know it’s preposterous — but is it preposterous you think, Mary?” Why is anyone making fun of Don Lemon for this? After all, he knows it’s preposterous…but doesn’t it make sense to double-check with a former transportation investigator, just to be on the safe side? You never know, maybe she has some expertise with black-hole-caused crashes that wasn’t previously known. Read more on CNN’s Don Lemon Has To Ask If A Black Hole Eated Up Malaysian Airliner…
  clipbait

CNN’s Don Lemon Has To Ask If Something Ghosty Happened To Malaysian Jet

Coverage of the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight MH 370 is now getting into the “alternative theory” phase: as anyone knows, planes don’t just vanish into thin air. So CNN’s Don Lemon and guest Brad Meltzer, bored with actual reporting, gave serious consideration Sunday to the possibility that the plane actually vanished into thin air. Read more on CNN’s Don Lemon Has To Ask If Something Ghosty Happened To Malaysian Jet…