Tag Archives: cnbc

  Tongue Baths Of The Rich And Famous

Donald Trump Is The Family Values Candidate All His Ex-Wives Have Been Waiting For

This classy writer obviously knows a classy guy when he sees one
Here is a thing we didn’t really expect to see in 2015: a mainstream press article (sorta mainstream, at least — CNBC.com isn’t exactly a niche website like “Marine Propulsion News,” whose newsletter we inexplicably got signed up for) with the completely unironic headline “How family values helped Donald Trump build his empire.” We saw that and wondered how exactly we could top its snarky winking tone. But no, this is a completely sincere paean to the values that made Donald Trump a great man, and “writer” Eric Schiffer is either a complete Trumpsucking boob or the best satirist since Paul Verhoeven (Starship Troopers was satire, right? Please?) We just can’t tell — it reads like Waylon Smithers writing a C. Montgomery Burns fanfic. Read more on Donald Trump Is The Family Values Candidate All His Ex-Wives Have Been Waiting For…
  Hush little lady don't say a word

Rand Paul Teaches Lady Reporter How To Talk To Him, Again

The next not-president from the great state of Kentucky, Rand Paul, has a bit of a lady problem. As in, he just doesn’t seem to like them very much. Especially when they step out of line and ask him questions he’d rather not answer. Read more on Rand Paul Teaches Lady Reporter How To Talk To Him, Again…
  giant douche noodle says what?

Rand Paul Does Not Care For Impertinent Reporter’s Questions, Is Kind Of A Dick About It

Could you be more of a dick?
The human-shaped null set that is Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky took his talent for being a whiny dick to CNBC on Monday afternoon for an interview that made him look like a cross between Michele Bachmann and an angry furby. You knew things were not going to go well when anchorperson Kelly Evans started off by asking Paul if he had really just told incandescent rage ball Laura Ingraham that most vaccines “ought to be voluntary.” Read more on Rand Paul Does Not Care For Impertinent Reporter’s Questions, Is Kind Of A Dick About It…
  funny you don't look carbonous

Please Stop Holocausting The Carbon

Just when you thought that the internet had pretty much plumbed the depths of all possible dumb Holocaust analogies, along comes CNBC guest “expert” William Happer, who somehow is a professor in physics at Princeton and also a global warming denier. On CNBC’s Squawk Box the other night, Happer explained that not only are pretty much all climate scientists wrong, but that poor innocent carbon dioxide itself is getting a bum rap, and is being demonized exactly like “the poor Jews under Hitler,” because presumably tiny little trains are about to start deporting all the carbon atoms to death camps where they will be fed to hungry phytoplankton or something. Read more on Please Stop Holocausting The Carbon…
  i can't see anyone else smiling in here

Millionaires Just Like Us, Only Have $Millions, Says New Poll Of Millionaires

The LA Times brings us some happy news today, kinda-sorta! Turns out that a recent poll of millionaires finds that the majority of them think income inequality is bad, and that nearly 2/3 of them support an increase in the minimum wage and tax increases on the rich — like them! We are also going to bet that auto-correct was somehow involved in this second sentence of the story: However, the views of the wealthy on these hot-bottom topics vary significantly by political affiliation, suggesting millionaires are as split as the rest of the country between Democratic and Republican beliefs, according to the poll by financial news channel CNBC. Now that we have distracted you with all that hot-bottom stuff, let’s see what else the merely rich think, which we must caution may be very different from the super-rich. (A million dollars is like what you’d find under the Koch brothers’ sofa cushions, after all.) Read more on Millionaires Just Like Us, Only Have $Millions, Says New Poll Of Millionaires…
  banksters

Jamie Dimon Gets Well-Deserved Raise

A year after an embarrassing trading blowup led to millions of dollars being docked from Jamie Dimon’s paycheck, the chairman and chief executive ofJPMorgan Chase is getting a raise. Of course he is, because share prices have increased and this is the only thing that really matters. Did JP Morgan, under Jamie Dimon’s watch, preside over a global financial crisis, enable Bernie Madoff to conduct a years-long pyramid scheme, and rack up billions of dollars in fines due to a multi-billion dollar trading fiasco executed by the so-called “London Whale,” along with earning what may be the largest fine in the history of American financial regulation? Did it also engage in reckless manipulation of energy prices and silver prices, launder money for drug cartels, and break securities laws in mortgage deals? Yes, it definitely did many of these things and probably did most of them, but this just means that Jamie Dimon was able to see the bank through “a difficult period” and thus deserves a raise: Read more on Jamie Dimon Gets Well-Deserved Raise…
  we refuse to call her the 'money honey

The Day Everything Changed: Maria Bartiromo Will Make Sweet Love To Wall Street On Different Network

CNBC Teevee Lady Maria Bartiromo is departing the Wall Street-fellating network that’s been her home for 20 years so that she can lick the bronze bull’s balls at rival Fox Business Network instead. Bartiromo recently got a bit of attention beyond the insular world of financial cable teevee when she mocked the very idea that JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon should be fired over record SEC fines and a little bit of bribery in China, because why would mere legal malfeasance be a reason to fire a CEO who’s raking in huge profits? Read more on The Day Everything Changed: Maria Bartiromo Will Make Sweet Love To Wall Street On Different Network…
  how we learned to stop worrying and love the bomb

Man, CNBC So Ready For You To Make A ‘Killing’ Off Your Upcoming Syria War

Your Wonket does not have strong opinions on this whole “Syria” mishegas. In fact, we do not have any opinions on this whole Syria mishegas. For one thing, we live up the ass of the administration (it is warm, and smells of summer plums), because for the most part we trust Obama’s judgment and sobriety and expect him to do the mostly right thing. For another, we are not reflexively against military action — we don’t even particularly care about our Death Rain of Drones! (Bad liberals. Baaaaaad.) On the other hand, we refuse to read anything about it, because we are Merkins, so it’s totally possible our anti-war buddies, and, um, Don Rumsfeld, are totally right, and WTF NOBUMMER SECOND COMING OF BUSH JESUS CHRIST AND WTF (AGAIN). Read more on Man, CNBC So Ready For You To Make A ‘Killing’ Off Your Upcoming Syria War…
  the wrath from high atop the thing

Watch Liz Warren School Some CNBC Doofuses With Facts ‘N’ History

So here is a clip of Yr Wonkette’s Imaginary BFF Elizabeth Warren making the hosts of CNBC’s Squawk Box look like the pikers that they are. It’s like watching a clip from The West Wing, only better, because this lady is actually in the Senate and making things happen, like cosponsoring a bill to reinstate some parts of Glass-Steagall. It’s probably the best takedown of a bunch of chat-show idiots since that one time that Jon Stewart made Jim Cramer cry. Read more on Watch Liz Warren School Some CNBC Doofuses With Facts ‘N’ History…
  hacks

Stocks Rally Due To Romney Win 100 Days In Future, CNBC Declares With Straight Face

The stock market. What is it? It is a collection, or “cooperative,” of people who throw bits of paper in the air and scream their faces off. If you are rich, it gives you muneez. If you are poor, it gives your boss muneez. When the stock market goes down, that is because everyone hates the president, but when it goes up, that is because everyone hates the president. If anything, it just makes too much sense! Let us ask CNBC to explain why a stock market surge is due to investors betting on a Romney win, despite the fact that Mitt Romney is not, in fact, actually winning. Read more on Stocks Rally Due To Romney Win 100 Days In Future, CNBC Declares With Straight Face…
  funny vp watch

Rick Santelli Must Be Declared Vice President Right Now

We have been suggesting it for years: Palin/Santelli ’12. Santelli/Shimkus ’12. Becton/Santelli ’12. Newt/Santelli ’12. Sanford/Santelli ’12. Cornyn/Santelli ’12. “Jessie”/Santelli ’36. Mitterand/Santelli ’12. Eastman/Santelli ’12. Cheney/Santelli ’12. MAIL MAN/Santelli ’12. Jim Ready/Sanelli ’12. This is just a small sample of our recommendations. But now it is time to act. CNBC ranter jackass Rick Santelli, the man who launched the Tea Party by complaining about a modest mortgage modification plan for “losers” that the Obama administration was starting (and never really did much with), must become Mitt Romney’s Vice President for eternity. Read more on Rick Santelli Must Be Declared Vice President Right Now…
  america's biggest bunghole

CNBC’s Larry Kudlow Is Happy Japan’s ‘Human Toll’ Worse Than Stock Losses

Here he is, America’s Queen of Hearts! Larry Kudlow is the foulest talking head on any news channel. But how can he prove this, to people who don’t watch business news? By delighting in the death of so many in Japan, because this nightmare had not yet hurt his precious stock market. (Well, and how are things going today, Larry?) GAH. Read more on CNBC’s Larry Kudlow Is Happy Japan’s ‘Human Toll’ Worse Than Stock Losses…
  future shock

CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose

What’s the New World Order/Nobama got in store for the Teabaggers on Election Night? Nothing but pain, if these leaked Election 2010 results are to be trusted — and they are “not to be published or broadcast” until the Powers That Be are ready to announce Permanent Halloween for America’s tightly-wound white people. So many important Republican/Teabaggers are losing, with 40% reporting or whatever! Carly Fiorina, John McCain, Richard Shelby, Ken Buck, Christine O’Donnell, Mark Kirk, David Vitter, Sharron Angle, Tom Coburn, even Chuck Grassley … all losers! CONCEDE YOU IDIOT LOSERS, the Associated Press is calling it! And in the biggest upset of the election, Alvin Greene has soundly beaten Jim DeMint, 45%-40%. YES HE CAN! Read more on CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose…
  places obama wants to be right now

Obama Faces Angry ‘Quite Frankly’ Lady At Odd Newseum Town Hall

President Obama hosted a town-hall forum on business and finance, which was aired on CNBC today and was for some reason held at the Newseum, that place where they display front pages of newspapers out front like Lenin’s body. It turns out many people are angry at Obama for “hating business,” despite his having done things like rescuing America’s financial firms and auto companies without stoking a justifiable populist revolt against these poorly-behaving businesses. The first question came from a woman who said something about how she and her husband were “beyond the hot dog and beans era of our lives,” and people continued to be blame-y from there. Read more on Obama Faces Angry ‘Quite Frankly’ Lady At Odd Newseum Town Hall…