Ever since LBJ came to Washington, political elites and indeed all of America have been subjected to the endless dunderheaded clowning of Texans. We have been told that Shiner Bock, a homegrown version of generic piss-beer, is “awesome,” and that it looks cool to wear a tuxedo with cowboy boots and a massive belt buckle that draws attention to the wearer’s comparatively puny genitals. Finally the tyranny of Texas will come to an end because George W. Bush will soon fuck off back to Dallas or wherever he can find that won’t extradite him for War Crimes, and the rest of America will fondly look back on Texas as that place they have to fly over to get to California. [Politico]

Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, a creepy-looking unlicensed handyman in Toledo, was a comical example of how desperate the McCain team became in the final two weeks of the campaign. Because this unappealing idiot was videotaped making a brief untrue claim to Barack Obama, who happened to be campaigning in Ohio near this idiot’s home, John McCain spent his final debate either talking directly through the teevee cameras to “Joe the Plumber” or grotesquely rolling his eyes and grimacing. The next day, Wurzelbacher’s story was easily proven false, and then he proceeded to embarrass the McCain campaign almost every day until, we hoped, he completely vanished forever on Tuesday. It is time to again say good-bye to this clown of lies. MORE »

Few signs are more telling of a remediless Republican campaign than a wacky attack ad about ’60s hippies smoking marijuana cigarettes. The conservative group Freedom’s Watch has just made this one against Democratic Colorado Senate candidate Mark Udall. Because you’d have to be high on drugs to support peace, HMM? [Scorecard]

STFU: Obama and McCain are arguing over the definition of “tiny” while Hillary is arguing, alone, about how she should also be able to argue over the definition of the word “tiny.” [CNN/CNN]

Oh look, it is NBC Anchorman Willard Scott, seen here during his “glory days” as TeeVee’s Ronald McDonald, horrifying the children of Washington and Annapolis. Later, he became famous in Stephen King’s It. [Via Metafilter]

Beloved “Christian Clown” and minister arrested in Illinois “for allegedly taking naked photographs of young boys at a Philippines orphanage.” But don’t worry, the clown was only there on a “clowning trip.” (PS: There are at least two Klutzo the Clowns in Illinois, and this one isn’t the Accused Molester.) [Agitprop]

* Ready to give up and join the circus? They’re apparently holding tryouts in Meridian Hill Park. Photographic evidence included. [DCist]
* “We were on the metro together during the evening rush hour yesterday. You looked so hot with your hair and your clothes. You had an ipod. We made eye contact a few times. I was the guy with the ipod and the shirt. Remember me?” [Missed Connections]
* Why little girls like/are like ponies: an epiphany. [Poofy Goo]
* “My anti-Americanism has peaked. Like most Americans, I don’t care anymore. Give me the serenity for what I cannot control, etc.” [RooshV]
* So what if you waddle? At least you’re comfortable, if slightly unattractive. [Who am I? Why am I Here?]
* “WHAT??!? STING ISN’T DEAD??!?” [We Has a Winner]

Norman Mineta resigned as Transportation Secretary. This seems to be important to many of you. We’re guessing those of you who ride the bus. Eww. MORE »

* A checklist for the end of the universe — which is happening tonight, in case you haven’t heard. [High Plains Messenger] MORE »

Oh, Washington Times. Sometimes, we genuinely love you.

See, other news organizations might’ve just framed this as “Fire Departments Misuse DHS Grant Money” or something, especially as it’s not really news and something we didn’t know, but no, you went with clowns. In the hed. Beautiful. MORE »