Wonkette: Clips

Alan Keyes Loses Constitution Party Nomination!

Newell — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:55:30 EDT

In what pundits have described as "the most contentious" nomination battle in the Constitution Party's 16-year history, famous nut Alan Keyes has lost the bid to radio host Chuck Baldwin in a blatant act of white racism. The party held its national convention in Kansas City over the weekend and selected Baldwin over the towering figure of Keyes by a vote of 384-126. Thus ends Alan Keyes' winding path towards the White House in 2008, the highlight of which was this hilarious performance at a Republican debate in December, which we honor in the above clip. [Kansas City Star]

It's Hillary's Friends, And Stephanie Tubbs Jones Shouting!

Newell — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:53:52 EDT

Here is some video from last night's Hillary Clinton rally at the University of Pennsylvania, including Stephanie Tubbs Jones getting fired up and having a verbal hernia. There's a cappella and some cameraman giving Liz the middle finger. Then the Mayor of Philadelphia, Michael Nutter, says "MUST BE SOME VOTIN GETTIN READY TO HAPPEN UP IN HERE." Then Chelsea comes on and says "my mom and my dad blah blah blah, I am the human in this family." Then Bill Clinton lies, he lies a lot. You've never heard someone lie more in your life than you have Bill Clinton at a rally for his wife. But he sounds so nice, still. Then they play a song from the Ford commercials, the end.

Barack Obama Calls Chris Matthews (And Cable News) A Joke

Ken Layne — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:30:00 EDT

Chris Matthews' beloved Hardball show had been visiting yet another demographic that has no interest in political shows on cable television: College kids! But it was a lot of fun for everyone, especially when Matthews' wacky light-hearted question ended up being a total setup for Obama to call him a jackass. [Campaign Circus]

'The View' Ladies Act Like Themselves With Barack Obama

Newell — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:24:16 EDT

Barack Obama was on teevee's female program The View this morning. These ladies are all really terrible and how any of them got famous, historians will never quite understand. So here they are shouting "YOU'RE VERY SEXY" in Obama's face, the end.

Civil War at Fox News Over Obama Bashing!

Newell — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 11:51:05 EDT

This Jeremiah Wright/Racist Grandma scandal has gotten so out-of-hand that it's developed some strange new scandal aesthetic — Post-out-of-hand. This stage in scandal evolution can only happen when perennial twit Chris Wallace, of Fox News, criticizes his own network for smearing Obama unfairly. And that is exactly what happened on this morning's Fox & Friends. So let's try this out: Th-th-thank you, Chris... Chris Wallace? [Shudder]. And this wasn't even the best part from this morning's Fox & Friends! ~~After the jump~~, watch the least-of-three-evils host, Brian Kilmeade, get so upset about the Obama bashing that he storms off the set, like a hobo! [UPDATE: The RedLasso player was crashing many browsers, so we have combined the two clips into one tour de force of hilarious Fox infighting! Brian Kilmeade walking off the set is first; Chris Wallace's heroic stand begins with two (2) minutes left in the video].

Barack Obama Will Unite Everything With His Speaking

Newell — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 12:11:45 EDT

The people on the teevee are saying this speech will define Barack Obama's candidacy, because it is about race. Yes, his entire campaign is 100% about race. Or something? We'll leave that to the Professional Experts like Joe Scarborough. Still, good job once again, Barry — this little number had some bite. And since he'll lose Pennsylvania anyway, not a bad time to get this off his chest.

Tracy Morgan Endorses Obama On Saturday Night Live

saraksmith — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:22:52 EDT

Over the years, Saturday Night Live has witnessed a dramatic evolution in its black acting talent: from a hilarious actor who happens to be a crack addict (Garrett Morris) to a hilarious actor who imitates crack addicts (Eddie Murphy) to an unfunny actor who happens to be drunk most of the time (Tracy Morgan). Here's former SNL cast member Tracy Morgan endorsing Barack Obama and mumbling something about government cheese. We are looking forward to Inauguration Day 2009, when President John McCain personally bombs Saturday Night Live from his Space Rascal.

Eliot Spitzer Resigns, Silda Wall Offers Icy Death Glare

Newell — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 12:16:55 EDT

Here's our friendly New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigning, with his wife, who still really doesn't want to be there. Uh, did she read Dina McGreevey's NYT column this morning? She gave all victimized political wives the right to not stand next to their husbands. Maybe Silda just wanted to make him look like more of a wretch, and she did a good job of that.

Eliot Spitzer Actually Resigning This Time

Newell — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 10:37:09 EDT

But he just wanted to get laid! By a hooker! For $4,300 billion! And now he's resigning, effective next Monday for some strange reason. What is this, Gay France? [NYP]

Magical Politicians Make Children Swoon

Newell — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 10:55:58 EDT

Hey look, it's a study of why everyone is fainting so damn much at Barack and Hillary's speeches. Why doesn't the Main Stream Media show the numerous fainting wicket goblins at Ron Paul's rallies though? America is not ready to elect a wicket goblin as president, Dr. Sanjay Gupta advises.

No, YOU Cursed, Brokaw

Newell — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 00:56:38 EST

Tom Brokaw said "ass" tonight, and he should be fired from whatever job he has.

It's Almost Three A.M., And MSNBC Is Killing Your Babies

Newell — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 22:12:15 EST

Here's MSNBC's panel debating the merits of Hillary's ad — political effectiveness vs. truth vs. fearmongering. What this tense debate reveals: Rachel Maddow is a libtard; Eugene Robinson is a moderate liberal; Pat Buchanan is an old white Republican; Joe Scarborough is a younger douchebag Republican. Who knew?

Joe Scarborough Pulls Out Old 'Tom Brokaw' Insult

Newell — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 20:42:58 EST

Hey Eugene Robinson, Joe Scarborough says, why don't you go "Tom Brokaw" yourself, you gay little wicket goblin. Zing! Talk about getting DEFENESTRATED BY PROFESSIONALS.

Barack Rips Hillary's Scary Ad With Silly Parody

Newell — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 18:22:12 EST

Ha ha, what the hell is wrong with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton? Clinton released her horrifying "a terrorist calls you at 3 a.m. and threatens to kill your babies, unless Hillary Clinton is president" ad this morning, and that defensive Obama has released a direct, snippy response already! His version — after the jump — is more like "a terrorist calls you at 3 a.m. and threatens to kill your babies, and Barack Obama never supported the War in Iraq."

[via Ben Smith]

Frumpy Tim Russert Examines Barack's Various Prejudices

Newell — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 23:25:34 EST

As everyone in Chicago knows, Barack Obama’s two best black friends are Islamist leader Louis Farrakhan and Jeremiah Wright, Barack’s anti-white preacher. Why does Barack consort with them? Will he bring hope to America’s white Jews when he’s sultan? Tim Russert is determined to know.

Conspiracists Destroy Hillary With Sexist Commercial Breaks

Newell — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 22:20:43 EST

MSNBC and the Main Stream Media’s latest coup against the “House of Clinton” — they are conspiring to not let her talk during the very conspicuously timed commercial breaks. This is a very old “yellow journalism” ploy, invented by David Shuster.

Chris Matthews Angrily Harasses Obama Supporter To Death

Newell — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 23:21:10 EST

Yikes. What’s gotten into Our Chris Matthews? He’s apparently a Clinton fan now! Watch him harass this Texas state senator, an Obama supporter, for several minutes. He DEMANDS the senator name a single Barack Obama accomplishment. To quote Matthews: “Sir, you have to give me his accomplishments. You’ve supported him for president, you’re on national television, name his legislative accomplishments, Barack Obama’s, sir.” Is Tweety having his period?

Barack Goes Negative on Mexico's John McCain

Newell — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 23:03:31 EST

Dashing Barack Hussein Obama was also daring Barack Hussein Obama tonight — he calls out John McCain by name! Usually the way it works is, “some old white grumpy senators might claim” such and such. But Barry hates Iraq and its Emperor McCain with all the Hope he can muster, and he dares speak the snake’s name.

Obama, Japan Loves Its Barry For Obvious Superficial Reason

Newell — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 13:55:20 EST

In the city of Obama, Japan, they are wildly promoting the American candidate-warrior who shares their name. His reputation is legend, like the ancient samurai Tom Cruise! After the jump, watch various small business owners in Obama, Japan declare that “every Tuesday is Super Tuesday,” and other inane crap that they don’t understand.

Obama (Japan) Supports Obama [Reuters]

McCain Thanks Romney With Implicit Hatred

Newell — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 16:51:04 EST

John McCain hates Mitt Romney with the passion of the gods. So how does he show his appreciation for Romney’s official endorsement today? By saying Mittens made him “a better candidate,” with those hilarious lies and Iraq timetables and state health care in Massachusetts. Mitt Romney being a preppy flip-flopper won McCain the nomination. Is that what you’re hearing? No one’s smiling here.

What Is This 'Chinese Bus' You Speak Of?

Newell — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 20:10:54 EST

Chris Matthews’ son hopped on the “Chinese Bus” today from New York. Or was it from China? Or maybe he meant to say, let’s see, Chinatown bus? Only residents of a few states in the Northeast know what the Chinatown buses are, so now most of the country is wondering what Chris Matthews’ magical “Chinese Bus” is.

Chris Matthews Asks Tim Kaine To "Speak Southern" For Him

Newell — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:30:05 EST

Oh Tweety. He gets a southern governor on his teevees, like Virginia’s Tim Kaine, and he asks him to “speak Southern.” When Tim Kaine says “I’m a Kansan by birth,” all Matthews can do is laugh. He is a monster.

Hillary Is Funny And Hip, Like America's Children

Newell — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:59:55 EST

Further proof that Hillary Clinton is the candidate for young people: she was in a Rock ‘n’ Roll Band! And as this official Hillary Clinton video notes, this means she will pay for your college education. [YouTube]

Chinese Spies Learn Every Secret About America, For Only $9.95!

Newell — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:32:45 EST

The Department of Justice announced today that it is charging evil Chinese spies — one of whom is American, like Jesus — with giving secrets to the evil Red China mainland. Being a Bush administration Department, however, they manage to find the silver lining in this press conference: it’s because our economy is so Free! See, the liberals would red-tape the secret-swapping market to death, and that’s why you should vote for Alan Keyes. [AP/Google]

Here's That David Shuster Guy Calling Chelsea a Whore

Newell — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 15:36:15 EST

He may apologize later tonight, but MSNBC’s David Shuster totally thinks Chelsea Clinton is a prostitute. He has a point though — look at those clothes! There are breasts flying everywhere. Still, this is such a big deal that Hillary Clinton may never appear in an MSNBC debate again, ever. [MSNBC]

Paris Hilton Ends Bid For Presidency!

Newell — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 12:19:22 EST

Wonkette’s “Polaroid Liz” Glover is up at New York City’s Fashion Week, with all the famous Movie Stars and popular musicians and various other hobos! Aside from looking at all the pretty new clothes, Liz harassed these celebrities about their presidential endorsements. Nicky Hilton is oblivious to everything, Maggie Gyllenhaal is a mute, and Pharrell Williams wants to know what Liz thinks. Clearly none of them know that there’s an election this year, because celebrities aren’t very smart.

Conservatives Boo, Then Wildly Cheer, 'Mexico John' McCain

Newell — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 15:58:29 EST

Sweet Jesus, it’s a conservative explaining a non-conservative opinion to crazy conservative wildebeests at CPAC! What is happening to “our Republican Party,” where they need to explain things? This is not America. This is Mexico. This is what the Mexicans do.

Mitt Quits, A Nation Sobs

Newell — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 13:30:04 EST

He was a Mormon. Then he fixed the Olympics and liberal Massachusetts. Then he was the Republican nominee for nothing. Always and forever, he was the biggest liar and panderer in American history, but he meant well. The point is: Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Reagan Reagan Ronald. SIZE DOES MATTER.

Why Does Chris Matthews Tell So Many Lies?

Newell — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 23:14:35 EST

Chris Matthews to Clinton’s campaign manager, Terry McAuliffe: “I wish I had you on my side in life. You’re the best.” Yeah, too bad he has to keep toting that dumb broad Hillary around. Men: BOOO!

Cell Phone Strife At CBS!!

Newell — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 22:51:26 EST

CBS News’ delightful Jeff Greenfield — well, he’s not so delightful anymore, according to Ice Queen Katie Couric. His phone went off IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TEEVEE. Katie Couric yells at him, then realizes yelling would make her less pretty. So then she giggles. It’s America’s anchor and her nutty sidekick, on America’s most famous network!

'Therapy Dogs' To Stay in Iraq For One Hundred Years

Newell — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:21:42 EST

The era of Donald Rumsfeld is over. American troops in Iraq have the equipment, support and troop numbers they need to make the SURGE win even more. But our correspondent in Sadr City says that it’s the pwecious wittle “therapy dogs” that are winning the public relations war. Even Iraq mayor Osama bin Laden saw Shocky the Therapy Dog recently and immediately blew himself up over his schoolboy’s glee.

Iranians' Bike Tour Around World To Get Them Out of Iran

Newell — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:57:59 EST

As the CNN tells us, one Iranian couple is going on a bike tour “for peace” around the world, where they plan to educate us ninnies on the glories of their very fertile country! The Iranian government had no problems, either, letting them embark on this delightful envoy mission. The bikers are in the United States now, and will stop in other wealthy countries where the government won’t kill them on the way… back. Do you see what I’m thinking? This is an ungodly brilliant couple: They simply told the Iranian government that they would go on a “bike ride for peace” around the world, and now they’re out of Iran. This is your window, disgruntled Iranians! Get some cheap bike, tell Ahmadinejad it’s for peace and what not and get your ass out of Iran.

Kennedys Praise Barry For Being Like Their Family

Newell — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:16:16 EST

The oldest and most important man — the “dean,” or “stern grampa,” might we say? — of the Democratic party, the Liberal who is somehow brothers with various political legends who died 900 years ago, TED KENNEDY, gave his big endorsement speech for Barry today at Washington’s American University. Caroline Kennedy, whose father was some sort of neat, pretty president in the 1960s — the one obsessed with putting humans on the moon by a certain time — joined Uncle Teddy to give a Hope speech as well. Congrats, Barry: you have officially become a Kennedy today. It would be wise to beef up your security.

After the jump, some clips of Ted and Caroline’s speeches. If Ted keeps getting this excited whenever he says “Change,” he may very well die. But isn’t death a Change in and of itself?

The big guy:

His dutiful niece:

Rudy Somehow Touting His Complete Lack of Support

Newell — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 13:11:41 EST

In last week’s Florida GOP debate, they asked Rudy about those dastardly words the New York Times offered him in their McCain endorsement. Rudy, with only one not-entirely-bullshit card to play, was proud — the New York Times, see, is for gays and Clintons and crippled hobbits. Now he’s actually running with that idea — that liberal newspapers are in gay-love with John McCain. And if a=b=c and you carry the zero and pigs fly, that means conservatives must automatically like Rudy Giuliani! There’s no 9/11 in this ad, but the new flavor of suffocating strategy — that he is the best because he has no endorsements — might… make the kids like him more?

Famous Liz Kucinich Accompanies Husband To Some Work Function

Newell — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 14:29:51 EST

Yesterday, Elizabeth Kucinich accompanied her husband, a politician of some sort, to a speech about something. Elizabeth stood in the crowd and maybe text-messaged some friends on her cell phone. It’s not any major Elizabeth Kucinich news, but we thought you should know how Elizabeth spent her day yesterday.

Chelsea Clinton Learns to Speak, Like the Humans Do

Newell — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 12:40:58 EST

Give credit to The Clintons for the job they’ve done raising Chelsea. Chelsea was born deaf and dumb, a veritable “wild child” who the schoolteachers couldn’t tame. But after 20-odd years, through Bill and Hillary’s tutelage, she now speaks “words.” And since she’s young, she can use this new talent to talk to other young people about her struggle with muteness. It wasn’t an ordinary job, getting this demon to speak like a person. But Bill and Hillary aren’t ordinary people.

John Edwards Releases Most Irritating Ad Ever

Newell — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:04:27 EST

Lord knows where he got the funding for this modern epic, but it seems to be a waste. Seriously, the cheesy voiceover guy with the movie trailer theme? If you’re going to go down that road, at least have some gun fights or explosions or snippets of you beating the shit out of a Merck executive in that mill you keep talking about.

Barry Whines About Free Meals

Newell — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 13:01:28 EST

On her CBS news program yesterday, Katie Couric asked various presidential candidates what’s the most “disillusioning” part of running for president. Typical liberal elitist Barry Obama says he hates going to free chicken dinner fundraisers when he could be doing, say, anything else. As someone who hasn’t had a hot meal in several months, I’d urge Barry to be thankful that someone feeds him.

Mitt Romney To Pander Economy Back On Track

Newell — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 16:27:50 EST

In Mitt Romney’s new ad, he tackles that healthy young pup known as the American economy. You can tell he’s talking about the economy because the footage here shows the word “economy” scrolling across a stock ticker. Mitt Romney would never let the economy stop… scrolling! He will fix it with… power! The American… policies of… spirit!

Rudy Looking To Win Porn Star Hurricane Vote In Florida

Newell — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:28:30 EST

Rudy’s new ad isn’t quite Mike Gravel-strange, but it is very terrible. Floridians, who get shat on yearly by devastating monster storms from the sea, enjoy few things more than doctored horror images of their crumbling houses and forsaken livelihoods. One of these few things, however, is when ’70s porn music soundtracks said horror images. Rudy really does have a death fetish, doesn’t he? [Rudy Giuliani]