Tag Archives: clint eastwood

  Do You Love America Enough? You Probably Don't Love America Enough

Fox News Explains How American Snipers Saved India From Saddam Hussein

And is India even grateful that we saved them from Saddam Hussein? No they are not.
In case you missed it, the latest litmus test for whether you Love America Enough is whether you are an enthusiastic supporter of the movie American Sniper, which you have to love or you are a hater. You see, Michael Moore said unkind things about the movie’s glorification of snipers, who are the kindest, bravest, warmest most wonderful Americans you’ve never seen because they are invisible like ninjas, and therefore The Entire Left hates America all over again, and now it is the sacred duty of all rightwing media to RAGESCREAM AT THE AMERICA HATERS WHO HATE CHRIS KYLE PERSONALLY AND ARE PISSING ON OUR BOYS’ GRAVES. Read more on Fox News Explains How American Snipers Saved India From Saddam Hussein…
  We Are Saying He Is Shit Is What We Are Saying

In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan

The moment Rick Scott lost the election
In what any Very Serious Journalist would consider a disqualifying move that requires the Republican Party to abandon the race completely, Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to debate his Democratic opponent, the former Republican and former governor of Florida Charlie Crist (because of course; it’s Florida!), on Wednesday night. But he had a very good reason. As the debate’s moderator, Eliott Rodriguez, explained to the audience: Read more on In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan…
  paging channing tatum

Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?

Clint! Clint! Clint!
Sometime today Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, will sit at a witness table in front of the House Oversight Committee and its chairman, the always execrable Rep. Darrell Issa, and try to answer a few questions. Such as, what the fuck is wrong with the Secret Service? Do we have to bring Clint Eastwood in to squint at everyone until they clean up their act? Which we would hate to do, since the last time we saw that guy, he seemed to have lost his mind. Read more on Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?…
  does getting a blowjob count as job creation?

Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention

Even though our Kenyan Dictator B. Barry Bamz was re-crowned only last year, it is already time to start thinking about the next Presidential election, which also means it is still time to stab ourselves in the eye with a spork everytime Chris Cillizza soils the pages of the Washington Post with the latest meaningless poll about 2016 hopefuls. But before the GOP can keep minorities from voting in 2016, there have to be official nominating conventions where actors talk to empty chairs or something. Cities fight hard to get picked for the conventions because prestige money. And one city vying for the Republican convention is Las Vegas, Nevada. But our old pal Stormin’ Mormon Harry Reid is throwing some cold water on those prospects, per the Reno Gazette-Journal: “I have been supportive of them on that,” Reid said about the push to bring the GOP convention to Las Vegas, “But that (prostitution) would be an issue.” There are unconfirmed reports that Sen. David Vitter (R-John) is going to personally investigate these prostitutes to see if they will be a distraction.  Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention…
  flinty-eyed steely-eyed squinty-eyed man

Hot New Conservative Film Will Save You From Mexicans, Why Not

Were you lying around this morning, wallowing in your own filth and despair, wishing that a movie would come along and yell at you about how the American government has failed to secure the borders and one man will have to save us all and Take Matters Into His Own Hands? Would you like everyone in the movie to complain about how the government makes them pay taxes but won’t enforce the law? How about a cast of flinty-eyed white guys who have seen too many Clint Eastwood films squinting and menacingly mumbling? Good news! Your dream movie is here. Read more on Hot New Conservative Film Will Save You From Mexicans, Why Not…
  my primary function is failure

Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President

In deciding to run for President in 2012, Mitt Romney ignored his family’s advice and his own vote in an informal family poll, according to an upcoming campaign book obtained by the Huffington Post. Sam Stein reports that over the 2010 Christmas holiday, the Romney family took a vote on whether he should run for President in 2012. Of the twelve votes, 10 were against the idea, including Mitt himself. Refusing to see this an inevitable foreshadowing of the rest of the country, and unable to override the “% become POTUS” command line in his programming, Romney was left with no choice but to run anyway. Read more on Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President…
  Julius Rosenberg Weeps

NSA Leaks: Too Many Dare Call It ‘Treason’

Lord but is this NSA shitfuffle giving some of our elected officials and political figures a chance to do their best impressions of spaghetti-western-era Clint Eastwood (which for our money is the best era Clint Eastwood – we would rather forget about the old-man-ranting-to-an-empty-chair era.) Let us take a look at this children’s treasury of emotional children talking tough about shooting the messenger while ignoring the message. Read more on NSA Leaks: Too Many Dare Call It ‘Treason’…
  OJ Simpson to search for the real racist

Here Is The Sad Tale Of Some Jerk Messing Up Nice Michigan Couple’s Clever Lynched-Obama-Chair Yard Art

Ken and Judy David of Grand Haven Township, Michigan, how do you feel about the “surprise” you got Wednesday morning, when some total jerk messed up your cool and witty Lynched Obama Chair display by adding another chair to your yard, on which was marked “4 more years” along with “racist pig” and some shouty potty talk? Were you delighted? Wait a minute, you were not delighted? “It’s not nice,” Ken David said to his wife when they found the chair before 9 a.m. Wednesday, Nov. 7. […] Well, it is not as not nice as wrapping a dead pig in a Romney shirt, which, DO NOT DO THAT LIBERALS. But back to our story. “That person there is the racist,” Ken David said of those responsible for nailing the branded chair on his property. “I never was a racist and I never intended to be a racist. The only thing I’m for is liberty and freedom.” Well, and lynching. Don’t forget, you love lynching too! Read more on Here Is The Sad Tale Of Some Jerk Messing Up Nice Michigan Couple’s Clever Lynched-Obama-Chair Yard Art…
  fistful of dolts

Mitt Romney Is An Idiot For Letting Clint Eastwood Speak, Explains Clint Eastwood

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player Hey, everybody cannot be good at everything. Che Guevara, for instance, was very good at being sexy and riding his motorcycle and killing people, but very bad at being Minister of Factories or whatever for Cuba. His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney, in the meantime, is very good at having been born to a wealthy, powerful man, but very bad at being Mr. Manager! Take, for example, every decision he has ever made, but especially the decision to let an 82-year-old man give a primetime speech, without a script. Read more on Mitt Romney Is An Idiot For Letting Clint Eastwood Speak, Explains Clint Eastwood…
  saving america one piece of furniture at a time

National Empty Chair Day: A Measured Response To Mild Mockery Of Clint Eastwood

As you might be aware, last week Clint Eastwood stood up on national TV and gave a rambling, incoherent speech in which he berated a chair he said had an invisible, profane black president in it. (SPOILER: IT WAS OBAMA ALL ALONG.) For a while (like a day) “Eastwooding” was a thing. People took pictures of themselves faux-yelling at chairs, it was fun, we all realized that after a while there’s only so much you can do with the idea, and then we enjoyed our three-day weekend. However, there was a problem. Someone was making fun of something conservative, and that cannot be allowed to stand. So conservative bloggers, who are just big, gaping pits of hilarity into which we throw things and a lava monster comes up and gives a great three-minute bit about how conservatives do it like this while liberals do it like that, decided to put on National Empty Chair Day. Notable conservatives like Michelle Malkin and writers at Breitbart.com, as well blogger Prof. Glenn Reynolds, kicked off the trend, according to the conservative blog Legal Insurrection. The blog, which had asked readers to send in photos of empty chairs, updated its post midday to say that the response had been so overwhelming — and the backlog of photos so great — that they were forced to close submissions. “It’s fun. It’s funny,” Malkin explained to POLITICO. “Clint Eastwood resonated with voters outside the snotty, derisive NY-DC-Hollywood axis. He braved derision and ridicule for standing on the convention stage. Activists on the right wanted to demonstrate … their appreciation. As always, humor is the best medicine.” …Right. So, what horrors came of this amazingly brilliant idea? Read more on National Empty Chair Day: A Measured Response To Mild Mockery Of Clint Eastwood…
  whoooo gop cocaine party at the viper room

Fox News Suddenly Loves Hollywood Elitists After Clint Eastwood Yelled At A Chair

You guys, pity poor Hollie Mckay, entertainment/celebrity columnist and writer of the “Pop Tarts” column on the Fox News website! Most people in her line of work get to just wallow in America’s sleaze and degradation openly in an attempt to gin up pageviews from a bored and horny audience. But Fox News, despite their thing generally being more “we hate taxes” rather than “we hate sex,” feels a need to be at least kind of scoldy about our nation’s moral decline, which means stories like “Lindsay Lohan ‘very upset’ over fresh theft allegations, friend says she’s burning through cash” have to mix it up with “New study says full-frontal nudity on prime-time TV up 6,300 percent over last year.” Plus all those Hollywood types are so darn liberal, which it’s necessary to make fun of them over! But what if a major Hollywood icon, who, though a relative moderate, has been a public supporter of the Republican Party for his entire life, and even held elected office as a Republican, showed up at the Republican National Convention and had a weird, rambling dialogue with a piece of furniture before endorsing Mitt Romney? That would probably mean that Hollywood loves Republicans now and it’s OK to take celebrity political opinions seriously, right? Read more on Fox News Suddenly Loves Hollywood Elitists After Clint Eastwood Yelled At A Chair…
  Talking chairs just like in Peewee's Playhouse

Clint Eastwood Cries All The Time, Berates Chairs

The Republican National Convention was interrupted for 15 minutes last night after an 82-year-old man wandered onstage and began muttering to a chair he believed to be the president of the United States. He was interrupted several times by large men with mustaches, but only because they were clapping. It is unclear who forgot to teach Clint “I Fought in the Civil War” Eastwood what a teleprompter was, but the move caused many watching to describe themselves as “powerful confused.” There is no way to explain whatever it was Eastwood did last night. It may have been a speech in the planning phases, but what came out appeared to be more of a prolonged, pseudo-political brain-fart, the weird consequence of propping up a spaghetti western star to observe him having a stroke. Presented here are his exact words, trimmed because WOW there are a lot of them that didn’t make sense. Read more on Clint Eastwood Cries All The Time, Berates Chairs…
  stupor bowl

Karl Rove ‘Offended’ By Dull Ad Promoting Major U.S. Company

Tucked amid the Stupor Bowl teevee commercials for naked chocolate candies, cheesy salt chips, war pornography, and the latest domestic water-beers was this one featuring old Clint Eastwood, the next Bat-Man, scouring stadium catacombs for the The Joker or maybe the Taco Bell. “It’s halftime in America and our second half’s about to begin,” he says, to cringes everywhere. But the ad’s main point is just “Hey let’s hope the Chrysler car company gets back on its feet.” Sure, that sounds fine! Unless you’re known anus Karl Rove, who is offended by Eastwood’s hope for the recovery of one of America’s large companies. Read more on Karl Rove ‘Offended’ By Dull Ad Promoting Major U.S. Company…
 

Rumors On The Internets: The Lucky Punk Inside Us All

Clint Eastwood knows that if George Allen was on that Iwo Jima hill he would’ve made sure it was the stars ‘n stripes flying, not the stars ‘n bars. Unless it was the ’70s, then whatever. [Hotline on Call] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: The Lucky Punk Inside Us All…
 

Gossip Roundup: Sweet Neo Con

• Names & Faces: Clint Eastwood was filming at Iwo Jima Memorial yesterday; Rumsfeld stopped by and WTOP’s Frank Herzog was an extra. [WP] • Page Six: Mick Jagger has a new song about Bush called “Sweet Neo Con.” Lyrics: “You call yourself a Christian, I call you a hypocrite/You call yourself a patriot. Well, I think your are full of shit.” [NYP] Read more on Gossip Roundup: Sweet Neo Con…