Opossum-eyed Jesus geologist Joe Barton, Republican Congressman from Texas, signaled his intent last month to stop the liberal Waxman-Markey energy bill — the one with cap-and-trade, which is about hamburgers — with traditional adult methods of opposition: “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the guerrilla. But guerrilla warfare does succeed sometimes.” (Fortunately for him this world has professional transcribers, because he definitely was saying he wanted to fight a gorilla.) And now he is popping up from behind the bush with a reasonable plan to block the legislation by proposing 450 comical amendments — four-hundred-and-fifty — that will simply be rejected, one by one, during an exhausting process that will embarrass the United States around the world and in Heaven. HAW HAW HAW. MORE »

Oh George Bush is having quite a grand time at the annual G8 conference in Japan. He’s not molesting Angela Merkel this time, but he is embarrassing everyone: “The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: ‘Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.’ He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.” Punched the air? Best George W. Bush imagery ever. NEED SECRET VIDEO. [Telegraph]

Larry Craig attended a Senate hearing on climate change and totally schooled the president of Yale by pointing out the Ivy League university produced more carbon per student than Berkeley. Oh and you know which educational institution produces very little carbon per student? The pinko commies at Boise State, in Craig’s own pinko commie state of Idaho. MORE »

After Al Gore lost the 2000 election because he was boring, he gained 400 pounds and grew a beard. Then America and all the world loved him! He made a movie about how the Earth is melting, and then he won a Swedish Prize, and soon a back-room deal at the Democratic National Convention will make him our president again. That is, unless President Barack Obama decides to give him some sort of shadow government post as the Climate Change Czar. Rumors are already afoot! MORE »

Which do you care about more: football, or global warming? Since both of these are liberal conspiracies, the common answer is usually “freedom.” Nevertheless, the Environment America organization issued a press release today trying to relate to the “average American,” who cannot understand the concept of “the temperatures are always going up and we will soon melt” and need to be patronized with football references. We’ve scanned this fucker up-and-down for red flags, but now we have stopped and assume it’s real. It is called: “Could Global Warming Threaten the Patriots’ and Giants’ Edge?: Rising Temperatures Could Lessen Home Field Advantage Over Warm Weather Rivals.” MORE »

Recently, the EPA denied California’s request to regulate the emissions of carbon dioxide in the state and, unsurprisingly, critics are calling that move “politically motivated.” This, time, though, they might actually be able to prove it because EPA Administrator Stephen L. Johnson (don’t forget the L!) pissed enough EPA staff off that they’re talking to everyone

MORE »

This is the best use of the “some have argued” formulation we’ve read all month: MORE »

* Clarence Thomas doesn’t want the EPA to act on global warming, cause he likes it hot. [WP, NYT, LAT, USAT]
* Antonin Scalia doesn’t want to address the legality of holding detainees at Guantánamo, cause he hears cries of innocent men in his dreams at night, and likes it. [WP, NYT]
* No one hates America more than Harry Reid. [WP]
* Mitt Romney is an “aggressive fundraiser,” John McCain has “a host of shortcomings.” [WP, WSJ]
* Even intelligence reports in Italy are luxuriously handcrafted, accurate. [WP]
* NASA Inspector General Robert Cobb could end up fired — into space on the back of a photon torpedo. [WP, NYT]

* John Edwards will make a “serious” announcement today at noon, but will continue to resent Elizabeth Edwards for life. [WP, NYT]
* “Partisan witch hunt” is on! House subpoenas K. Rova, Albeady Gonzales, JoBo, Blanche Miers and more! [WP, NYT]
* Al Gore comes back to Capitol Hill just as “shrill” and “accurate” as when he left. [WP, NYT]
* Anti-war protesters at the Capitol feel safe under the “impressive bulk” of John Murtha. [WP]
* Several of the fired attorneys were the top seed in their divisions. [USAT]
* Justice Department really has the black lung. [WP]
* Congressional budget processzzzzzzzzz. [WP]
* FDA moves to trim payola. [NYT, LAT]
* Iraq funding bill has more farm aid than Willie Nelson. [USAT]

* Number of hours President Bush spent in Colombia: 7. Number of troops assigned to protect him: 20,000. Impact on drug trade: worthless. [NYT]
* Barack Obama floats like a butterfly, Hillary Clinton is a “b.” [WP]
* Robert Gates makes the big decisions at the Pentagon by asking himself, “what would Donald Rumsfeld do?” Then he does the opposite. [NYT]
* Military decides now is a good time to figure out what to do if the “surge” doesn’t turn Iraq back into the garden of Eden after all. [LAT]
* Nancy Pelosi tries calling Captain Planet, gets Jim Sensenbrenner instead. [WP]
* Fred Thompson hikes his skirt up and sticks his thumb out to catch a ride to the Vice Presidential manse. [WP]
* February 5, 2008: the day the Walnuts Express goes quiet. [NYT]
* Be short. Army short. [USAT]

If you watched the Oscars last night, you saw former Vice President Al Gore, still expanding at precisely the same rate as John Travolta, pick up an Academy Award for his Power-Point presentation. MORE »

Scientists and economists have been offered $10,000 each by a lobby group funded by one of the world’s largest oil companies to undermine a major climate change report due to be published today.

MORE »

* President Bush to announce new grant program for states tonight that will provide health insurance for all legal citizens who talk proper American. [WP, NYT]
* Pies baked for previous SOTUs remain in sky. [WSJ]
* Nancy Pelosi marks her territory on John Dingell’s desk, then tells him what to think about climate change. [WP]
* A jury of Scooter Libby’s peers: white women who read a lot of Us Weekly — cause the stars are just like us! [WP, NYT]
* Classy casino owner gives $1 million classy dollars to ever classy Newt Gingrich. [WP]
* Public campaign financing sounds too much like welfare to Hillary Clinton. [WP, NYT]
* John Warner’s just happy to have a reason to talk to the microphones again. [WP, NYT, USAT]