Tag Archives: clarence thomas

  Boo hoo

Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful

It's the end of the world! Except not
It turns out that not every single U.S. American is sexcitedly happy dancing because the Supreme Court confirmed that, per the Constitution, the Constitution is for everybody. Like, some of the justices on the Supreme Court (but not enough of them to matter, HAHAHAHA). Join us, as we read their word-weeping for their beloved institution of inequality, which is dead as fried chicken now, huzzah! Read more on Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful…
  Hijab Discrimination

Supreme Court Spreads Sharia Law All Over Abercrombie & Fitch’s Popped Collar

Obviously the wrong image for A&F
The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Muslim woman who sued douchey prepster image factory Abercrombie & Fitch for refusing to hire her because she wore a headscarf to her job interview. Would you believe this is not Abercrombie’s first court case involving Muslim women wearing head scarves? Surprise! Brace yourselves for the inevitable squeals about Creeping Sharia taking over or something. Read more on Supreme Court Spreads Sharia Law All Over Abercrombie & Fitch’s Popped Collar…
  Your Honor that is HIGHLY inappropriate

Alaska Judge In Big Trouble, Just For Saying Rapey Words To Everybody

Be quiet so the judge can say sex words to you!
Meet your new favorite judge in America, Wonkers! He is Nome Superior Court Judge Timothy Dooley, and he is being officially reprimanded by the Alaska Commission On Judicial Conduct, just because he has a habit of saying some very colorful things about ladies in the courtroom. For instance, this one time he wanted to make extra certain those present knew that a 14-year-old girl who had been sexually abused wasn’t some common whore, like all those “temptresses” out there, who force their attackers to rape them: Read more on Alaska Judge In Big Trouble, Just For Saying Rapey Words To Everybody…
  Stars fell on Alabama and made it gay

Supreme Court Forces Alabama’s Top Wingnut Judge To Swallow Gay Marriage

This is actually a thing that is happening right now, in Birmingham.
That friendly man pictured above is doing the hard work of exorcising the homosexual demons out of Alabama because YOU GUYS, the state officially has marriage equality! REPENT! Sunday night, Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore — America’s greatest Ten Commandments-protecting jurist, with a special version of the First Amendment just for Christians — bravely followed through on his promise to block the gay courthouse door, in order that the fundamentalist Christians of Alabama might be saved from the devil’s wrath and raining hellfire and whatnot. You know, the typical stuff that happens when Brandon and Derek tie the knot. Read more on Supreme Court Forces Alabama’s Top Wingnut Judge To Swallow Gay Marriage…
  Here have some news n stuff

Awww, Is Justice Scalia Having A Bad Day? Good.

What's the difference between real life and TV? Who knows? Who cares?
You’ve probably heard by now that yet another state — this time, the Kansas-shaped one — has gone and gotten itself all gayed up and equalified, thanks to a very brief “yup, go ahead and marry whomever you want, we are so bored with this conversation” order from the Supreme Court on Wednesday. It’s hardly even news anymore when you think about it, because, AHEM, this is what is happening right here in these United States in this, the 21st century. But there’s one interesting little thing to note about this particular order, per SCOTUSblog: Read more on Awww, Is Justice Scalia Having A Bad Day? Good….
  jay leno monologues were more educational

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are Close, But No Cigar

Here we are kids, at the lowest point* of the Clinton administration: the Lewinsky affair and impeachment. But how are textbooks for the fundamentalist Christian homeschool market supposed to approach the topic? On the one hand, there’s big Presidential Sin, but on the other, S-E-X. Not all that surprisingly, our middle-school textbook skirts the details, while our high-school text looks mostly at the legal case, not the affair. Neither mentions a blue dress or a blowjob, though in that delicacy, we should note that they’re in line with secular texts. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are Close, But No Cigar…
  phenomenal woman

Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Excellent Human Being, 1928-2014

Maya Angelou died Tuesday at her home in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, following a long illness. She leaves behind a list of accomplishments that threatened to overwhelm headlines: poet, essayist, actress, memoirist, historian, educator, civil rights advocate, Poet Laureate, excellent human being, take your pick. The first of her many memoirs, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, is a true modern classic, the story of her youth in the Jim Crow South, of her being silenced by sexual violence, and of her rediscovery of language. Read more on Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Excellent Human Being, 1928-2014…
  talk is cheap and speech is free

Supreme Court Will Totally Decide Lying Anti-Abortion Group Has Constitutional Right To Lie

You solved the problem of lying in politics when you were like six years old. “Just pass a law against telling lies!” dumb little like-six-year-old you said, adorably. But it wasn’t that easy. “No, little you,” said a wise adult. “We have free speech in this country, which means that you can’t stop people from saying things even if they’re not true.” Then maybe the wise adult went on to explain that that’s not entirely true, that sometimes a lie actually can be illegal, in which case it’s called “libel” or “slander” depending on something, you were well beyond listening by then and already had a dozen Legos up your nose as you daydreamed about tort reform. Well, it turns out that little you was onto something after all. In the coming months, the Supreme Court will hear Susan B. Anthony List v. Dreihaus, in which the anti-abortion group Susan B. Anthony List is suing for its right to sue to put up a big billboard that says “SHAME ON STEVE DREIHAUS! Dreihaus voted FOR taxpayer-funded abortion.” Steve Dreihaus did no such thing, which means this billboard is A Lie and is therefore illegal under Ohio’s awesome False Statements Law. But but but free speech! But but… abortions! Buuuut DEMOCRATS! Read more on Supreme Court Will Totally Decide Lying Anti-Abortion Group Has Constitutional Right To Lie…
  wonkette confidential

Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!

Once a year the Federalist Society has a dinner in Washington DC. It is a dinner for lawyers. This year they promised an appearance by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. I wondered what he might have to say as their featured guest; I had seen him a few times while he was at work and he did not seem like a talkative man. Read more on Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!…
  where has he been all our life?

Genius Orange County Law School Prof Explains That Prop 8 Is Still In Effect, Up Is Down And Black Is White

There is so much actual news happening, you guys. We are filled to the gills with actual news and it is killing us. We need some breathing room to find new ways to snark and we really really need some time to develop more swear-y synonyms to describe people who are assholes. So — time to take a step away from Serious News and make fun of this what-the-fuck law professor John Eastman from Orange County, California, that is going to explain to us all that the Supremes decision yesterday means Prop 8 stands and no one can get gay married nyah nyah nyah: Read more on Genius Orange County Law School Prof Explains That Prop 8 Is Still In Effect, Up Is Down And Black Is White…
  the war of passive aggression

Clarence Thomas’s Wife, Ginny Thomas, Does Not Think The Supreme Court Is All That

Do you get emails from lovable font of beneficence (and apparent morning drinker) Ginny Thomas? Why not? Don’t you want to hear her plaintive cries and teeth-gnashing about how John Boehner and Eric Cantor and Mitch McConnell won’t give her an interview for her Daily Caller diary vlogs? Like this, for instance: Dear friend, Before I encourage you to visit my next interviewee, I honestly need your help. Ever since Thanksgiving, I have been knocking on the doors of Speaker John Boehner, Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, but they will not give me an interview! If you have any way to ask them to open their doors to my questions, could you please try? That is some serious passive-aggressive #WARblogging right there, sending Daily Caller email-listers slavering after their frightened quarry. But let us get to the important shit, which is that Ginny Thomas, wife of Silent Man Clarence Thomas, apparently does not think the Supreme Court is so smart! Who do they think they are, anyway, the boss of the Constitution? Read more on Clarence Thomas’s Wife, Ginny Thomas, Does Not Think The Supreme Court Is All That…
  nothing certain except death and taxes and having to suck up to justice kennedy

Whiny Gays Finally Get Day in Court, Keep Whining Anyway

Hey gay homosexuals! Be happy! The Supreme Court is going to hear your gay cases about all the sick things you gays do, like get married and serve in the military. Wait, what? You’re NOT uniformly happy that the Supreme Court will hear your gay cases because there’s some complex different issues blah blah blah? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US? Read more on Whiny Gays Finally Get Day in Court, Keep Whining Anyway…
  why can't i be you?

Emo Clarence Thomas Watches Saving Private Ryan To Buck Himself Up

Why so sad, Clarence Thomas? [Clarence] Thomas can on occasion be melancholy in his speeches, such as saying he sometimes envies the seemingly carefree lives he sees from his chamber windows. Several years ago, he told a group of high school students that he sometimes gets “morose,” and bucks himself up by reading inspirational speeches or retreating to the basement to watch the movie “Saving Private Ryan.” What are some happier movies with which Clarence Thomas can console himself for the terrible burden of having a lifelong gig bossing presidents and snuggling with ol’ Cuddles Scalia? Read more on Emo Clarence Thomas Watches Saving Private Ryan To Buck Himself Up…
  wingnut rules

Scalia & Thomas Have Anti-Obamacare Dinner (Kagan Should Recuse)

Notorious fringe-right “originalist” boobs Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas were so happy with the announcement that the Supreme Court will be hearing a challenge to the health care reform law that they celebrated immediately afterward by boozing it up with the legal team that will be arguing against the law. According to the Los Angeles Times, the Scalia/Thomas duo hit a Federalist Society dinner to pretend to listen to what other people think about the Obamacare law before they eventually and inevitably knock it down. Read more on Scalia & Thomas Have Anti-Obamacare Dinner (Kagan Should Recuse)…
  supreme court pranks

Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row

Fringe-right corporate lackey Clarence Thomas has famously kept his mouth shut during most of his 20 years on the Supreme Court, because how could anyone improve upon Antonin Scalia’s insane bullshit? But on Tuesday, Clarence Thomas cheerfully took the opportunity to read the conservative majority’s decision against an innocent black man in New Orleans who had been framed by the district attorney and was very nearly executed. The man, John Thompson, won a $14 million judgment against the crooked New Orleans prosecutors — a million dollars for every year he was wrongfully imprisoned, often in solitary confinement. And now that judgment has been overturned by our sorry excuse for a high court. Clarence Thomas really got a kick out of reading this to the Supreme Court. Read more on Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row…
  yeah that thing was getting too respectable

PULITZER WATCH: Daily Caller Hires Clarence Thomas’ Wife, For Journalism

Ginni Thomas, the Teabagging lobbyist wife of Clarence Thomas, has taken the next step in her natural progression of odd influence-peddling conservative jobs, accepting a “special correspondent” position at The Daily Caller. “We could not imagine a better person to take on this role,” said some Daily Caller guy. Yes, who on Earth could take this important journalism job? Certainly not all the out-of-work journalists. The position could only be filled by somebody who is not a journalist and earns her living making judicial ethics violations on her husband’s behalf. Read more on PULITZER WATCH: Daily Caller Hires Clarence Thomas’ Wife, For Journalism…
  why you should only sleep with crazy teabaggers

Clarence Thomas’ Heaving Body In the Heat of Passion, Described

Congratulations to Lillian McEwen, that woman who was finally able to overcome years of terrible embarrassment about having sex with Clarence Thomas to write a book about it. D.C. Unmasked & Undressed is the title of this newly released memoir, because the people who write tell-all memoirs are weirdly terrible at this part of marketing. Obviously this book should be entitled What Clarence Thomas’ Dick Looks Like and How He Uses It, as that’s the only reason why anyone would buy it. Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts? Like “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.” What? Read more on Clarence Thomas’ Heaving Body In the Heat of Passion, Described…
  welcome to weinerville

Amazing Anthony Weiner Manages To Get In As Much Opinion As Fox Anchor

Sometimes Anthony Weiner is an annoying, self-aggrandizing troll, but many times he is great! For example, here he is on Fox News, trying to give an interview about Clarence Thomas and his lobbyist Teabagger wife. But whenever Weiner finishes a thought, Megyn Kelly sees the need to slip in her own (corporation’s) thought to try to slyly undermine what he said before she moves on to the next question. So Weiner responds to her responses, which really upsets her. This is not how a Fox interview is supposed to be conducted! You are supposed to just let them slip in stuff like this as if it’s fact! “Children I’ve talked to say red and yellow make the color green, so—HEY, DON’T INTERRUPT ME.” Read more on Amazing Anthony Weiner Manages To Get In As Much Opinion As Fox Anchor…
  anti-lobbyist racism

Yeah, Clarence Thomas’ Wife Is a Lobbyist

Ginni Thomas may have been forced to resign her duties as Washington Teabag Queen because she was drunk-dialing Anita Hill all the time, but that doesn’t mean she can’t make a living! (Clarence Thomas doesn’t report her living on his tax forms, by the way, even though the law says he has to. But let’s see the Supreme Court uphold that conviction.) This news has made some people upset because, uh, this Supreme Court justice’s wife is a lobbyist, for God’s sake. But it wasn’t like it was ever in question the way Clarence Thomas would vote on the things she’s advocating. It’s just that she officially gets to tell people she can deliver them a vote on the Supreme Court, if necessary, by threatening to deny her husband access to delicious cookies. Read more on Yeah, Clarence Thomas’ Wife Is a Lobbyist…
  greek tragedies

Clarence Thomas’ Wife Too Insane For Teabagger Group, Steps Down

Why do people suddenly step down from their positions well after their controversy news cycle is over? Perhaps we will never know, but here’s another example of this phenomenon: Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has given up control of her Teabagger group, Liberty Central (who apparently, based on that name, want liberty to be centralized, not dispersed among the people). Virginia Thomas is stepping down to get away from the “distractions” of now being a public figure who likes to call around to people her husband has sexually harassed, asking for apologies. But she is still going to be part of the group, in the “back seat.” So if you were worried that she might actually exit her conflict-of-interest position — that of a Supreme Court justice’s wife raising anonymous contributions for a group with stark positions on constitutional issues — you can rest easy. She’ll still be part of that group. Read more on Clarence Thomas’ Wife Too Insane For Teabagger Group, Steps Down…