December 6, 2013
Welcome to a Gummint Shutdown Edition of the Derp Roundup, your weekly accumulation of asinine asshattery from the aether that was too stoopid to ignore completely but that we weren’t inclined to waste a full-length post on. To start off, let’s do a little bit of mythbusting! We caught Tucker Carlson’s Home for Lying Liars [...]
Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin is back in the Missouri Senate race … because he never left it, son. Having weathered the storm caused by the liberal media pretending he thinks vaginas are washing machines for rape sperm (truth: he thinks they are car washes for rape sperm), Todd Akin now has to figure out how [...]
Here is a pressing question that might be keeping you up nights, particularly if you live in whatever district in Missouri Todd Akin (R-Ladiesman) represents: What if you want to tell Todd Akin how much he sucks? How do you know he will listen to you and absorb what is sure to be thoughtful and [...]
This morning a Rasmussen poll came out showing Missouri magical fetal dumphead, Rep. Todd Akin, trailing Sen. Claire McCaskill by 10 percentage points, 48% to 38%. Considering that any GOP Senate candidate who can spell his own name was expected to be leading McCaskill by 10 to 15 points consistently through November, this is considered [...]
Todd Akin has decided to stick with his Senate race in Missouri and ensure that Claire McCaskill gets another six years of Hardball appearances, and his first step to losing is this brilliant ad.
Missouri Congressman and GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin is a brilliant scientist (with a B.S. in something called “Management Engineering”) and is therefore highly qualified to speak on the intricacies of female anatomy, especially when it comes to the heretofore unknown magic powers of the reproductive system. Did you know, for example, that the uterus [...]
Who’s not going to the Democratic National Convention now? Why it’s Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill, because she is going to lose her re-election bid. Her excuse: She wants to spend more time talking to voters! “Generally speaking, Claire has not gone to the national convention when she is on the ballot because she believes it’s [...]
So some Tea Party dude was having a little Tea Party rally and he sort of got carried away. “She walks around like she’s some sort of Rainbow Brite Care Bear or something but really she’s an evil monster.” “We have to kill the Claire Bear,” he added. And now everybody is all freaking out [...]
Much like elderly penguin Carl Levin, Claire McCaskill was forced to utter the acceptable adult word “shitty” today while discussing internal Goldman Sachs e-mails that said “shitty.” So here she is apologizing to her mother and the state of Missouri, on the Twitter. But she owes an apology to Goldman Sachs most of all, as [...]
The Senate Republicans. What arcane rule that shouldn’t exist did they pull out of Judd Gregg’s anus this time? Well, apparently you can deny unanimous consent at the outset of a new session and stop all Senate proceedings at 2 p.m. The Republicans are doing this because they are children who govern out of pique. [...]
You commies are always so upset with terrible Sen. Ben Nelson that you miss the whole friggin’ point of his existence: Ben Nelson shits humor. Think of the two funniest things ever, now. That’s right: Ben Nelson was the comedian behind both the knock-knock construction and the JFK assassination! And as the Washington Post tells [...]
Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt [...]
Poor self-important freshman Senator Claire McCaskill. She’s been in the Senate for nearly three whole years now and it’s made her tired and sad and maybe everyone should just give Congress a break, because what’s most important to the American people is that every current senator gets re-elected: “I don’t think anyone’s excited about doing [...]
Plain-spoken adult human Claire McCaskill is setting the right tone here, about two notches down from, “Listen to me, clowns: those of you who are shouting about health care are *retarded.*” They are so scared of a single-payer health care system, like Medicare. IT TERRIFIES THEM! They cannot deal with the very thought of it! [...]
A secret leetle underground train runs 20,000 leagues below the pile of rat carcasses and despair known as “the Capitol,” and it whisks lawmakers between their offices and the votin’ place without their having to encounter land-bound mortals, or sunshine. Sometimes this subway breaks down, and when it does, it is terrifying.