Tag Archives: claire mccaskill

  Nice time though not for Republicans

Magic Ladyparts Expert Todd Akin Would Like To Try For Senator Again, Yesssssss!

Please come back and keep talking!
Todd Akin — the former Missouri representative, failed senatorial candidate, and expert on how ladies have magic vaginas than can detect and deflect “legitimate rape” sperm to prevent pregnancy (right, THAT guy) — is not going away. Sorry, Republicans, we know how you wish he’d just delete his account and shut up forever and stop making you SOOO embarrassed, but nope, not gonna happen: Read more on Magic Ladyparts Expert Todd Akin Would Like To Try For Senator Again, Yesssssss!…
  soul searching

Stop Wasting Money And Let Conservative Dems Just Go Extinct

With votes.
On Monday, beltway bullshit scorecard POLITICO reported that nominal Democratic senators like Joe Manchin, Claire McCaskill, and Heidi Heitkamp appear eager to help the new Republican majority advance legislation. Manchin even called the idea of not working with Republicans to promote their agenda “bullshit.” They probably think that burnishing their “moderate centrist” credentials in this way will help them keep their jobs when they face the voters in 2018. They are wrong. Read more on Stop Wasting Money And Let Conservative Dems Just Go Extinct…
  one weird lie

If Dr. Oz Can’t Sell You A Bunch Of Quack Weight-Loss Cures, The Terrorists Have Already Won

Dr. Mehmet Oz, (who knew he had a first name?) the ubiquitous teevee shiller of weight-loss supplements and One Weird Tricks, got to take a trip up to Capitol Hill yesterday to get yelled at by some senators for his ceaseless flogging of fraudlicious miracle extracts. Dr. Oz did not appear to have enjoyed the experience one little bit, because if Dr. Oz can’t extol the virtues of Green Tea or Green Coffee or Green Beans or Green Machine extracts, his soul will shrivel up and die. Read more on If Dr. Oz Can’t Sell You A Bunch Of Quack Weight-Loss Cures, The Terrorists Have Already Won…
  trigger warning for bullshit

Senate Apparently Super Cool With Military Never Prosecuting Sexual Assaults

Earlier today we talked at you about how the military just can’t stop getting all rapey with women, so that even when they hire a military person to be the top prosecutor of people that rapecrime women, even that dude turns out to be Gropey McAssaulter. (Hahahaha, “news.”) So perhaps it is maybe time to take away the whole dealing-with-rape thing from the military and give it to civilians since apparently there is no one in the military who is tasked to deal with sexual assault and who does not also love him some sexual assaulting. Funny you should say so, because Senator Kirsten Gillibrand proposed just that and of course it did not pass because right now the Senate is the worst, even the Democrats. Read more on Senate Apparently Super Cool With Military Never Prosecuting Sexual Assaults…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile

Welcome to a Gummint Shutdown Edition of the Derp Roundup, your weekly accumulation of asinine asshattery from the aether that was too stoopid to ignore completely but that we weren’t inclined to waste a full-length post on. To start off, let’s do a little bit of mythbusting! We caught Tucker Carlson’s Home for Lying Liars in a bit of a lie! On Wednesday, the Daily Caller proclaimed, based on a single photograph apparently, that Washington DC’s monuments and memorials were all kept open during the 1995/96 shutdowns: The administration’s decision to barricade the Lincoln Memorial marks the first time in its history the memorial has been totally off limits to visitors during a shutdown. As proof, they offer a photo of the interior of the Lincoln Memorial in 1995, showing that the information booth was closed, but tourists were still able to enter the memorial. It took us all of seven minutes,* however, to find this photo from the Denver Post showing a Park Service Police officer standing in front of a completely closed Lincoln Memorial on November 15, 1995. The AP slideshow also includes a photo of the fenced-off National Christmas Tree — with nary a single Republican congresscritter tearing down the fence while decrying Bill Clinton’s War on Christmas. And the Washington Post also has a photo of tourists leaving the Lincoln Memorial as it was being closed down on November 14. So, yeah, Daily Caller – utterly unprecedented.** At least they didn’t argue that Clinton never closed the World War II memorial in 1995-96.*** Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile…
  lady in the streets but a freak in the chamber

Gentleman Scholar Todd Akin Laments Claire McCaskill’s Loss Of Ladydom

Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin is back in the Missouri Senate race … because he never left it, son. Having weathered the storm caused by the liberal media pretending he thinks vaginas are washing machines for rape sperm (truth: he thinks they are car washes for rape sperm), Todd Akin now has to figure out how to appeal to lady voters once again. Condescending sexism should do the trick quite nicely! Read more on Gentleman Scholar Todd Akin Laments Claire McCaskill’s Loss Of Ladydom…
  how a bill becomes a law

Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand

Here is a pressing question that might be keeping you up nights, particularly if you live in whatever district in Missouri Todd Akin (R-Ladiesman) represents: What if you want to tell Todd Akin how much he sucks? How do you know he will listen to you and absorb what is sure to be thoughtful and nuanced commentary about how much he sucks? Well, your Wonkette is here to help! It’s very easy to get in touch with Todd Akin and tell him how much he sucks, you just write a check, preferably for a “substantial amount,” and this will get his attention. Here, watch him explain to you in this video about how you get your Congressman’s attention (hint: send him muneez.) Read more on Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand…
  today in todd

Ha Ha, Look At How Todd Akin’s Campaign Tries To Spin Losing By 10 Points

This morning a Rasmussen poll came out showing Missouri magical fetal dumphead, Rep. Todd Akin, trailing Sen. Claire McCaskill by 10 percentage points, 48% to 38%. Considering that any GOP Senate candidate who can spell his own name was expected to be leading McCaskill by 10 to 15 points consistently through November, this is considered a poor polling result for the congressman — even though Rasmussen’s famous Republican bias this week would probably exaggerate the margin, since Republicans all want him to quit the race. Is that the spin Todd Akin’s campaign is taking? It’s a fine spin, as spinnery goes. What about simply ignoring the poll? That works too! Or there’s the option of saying that, uhh, the poll shows that Claire McCaskill should drop out of the race, which, comically, is the one Akin’s campaign is running with. Read more on Ha Ha, Look At How Todd Akin’s Campaign Tries To Spin Losing By 10 Points…
  how is babby formed?

Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin’s Guide to Legitimate vs. Illegitimate Rape

Missouri Congressman and GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin is a brilliant scientist (with a B.S. in something called “Management Engineering”) and is therefore highly qualified to speak on the intricacies of female anatomy, especially when it comes to the heretofore unknown magic powers of the reproductive system. Did you know, for example, that the uterus is able to determine the difference between “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape? I bet you didn’t even know there was a difference, unlike Todd Akin, who currently serves on the House of Representatives Science and Technology Committee thanks to his expertise. In science. Not only does your uterus know the difference, but in the case of “legitimate” rape, it will shut down, trapping the the rape-sperm and preventing it from reaching your pure and unspoiled eggs. That means the approximately 32,000 women who become pregnant each year from rape were the victims of illegitimate rape. What’s the difference between legitimate and illegitimate rape? We’ve compiled this helpful guide from what we assume Todd Akin (B.S. in Management Engineering and member of the House Science and Technology Committee, just to recap) believes. Read more on Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin’s Guide to Legitimate vs. Illegitimate Rape…
  more orgy for us

Skipping Democratic National Conventions: It’s All The Rage In Washington!

Who’s not going to the Democratic National Convention now? Why it’s Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill, because she is going to lose her re-election bid. Her excuse: She wants to spend more time talking to voters! “Generally speaking, Claire has not gone to the national convention when she is on the ballot because she believes it’s important to spend as much time as possible in the state of Missouri and talking with voters,” says her spokesperson. What the spokesperson means is, she doesn’t want to be seen in the 10,000-person gay Mexican commie orgy that the Democratic National Convention devolves into by hour two, every time. Read more on Skipping Democratic National Conventions: It’s All The Rage In Washington!…
  what's a little death threat between friends?

Who Could Possibly Interpret Suggestion That We ‘Kill’ Claire McCaskill As Some Kind Of Threat?

So some Tea Party dude was having a little Tea Party rally and he sort of got carried away. “She walks around like she’s some sort of Rainbow Brite Care Bear or something but really she’s an evil monster.” “We have to kill the Claire Bear,” he added. And now everybody is all freaking out and stepping up patrols around the Missouri Senator’s house, and adding protection when she’s in public, like a buncha pansies. But did Scott Boston mean his comment, “We have to kill the Claire Bear,” as a threat? Read more on Who Could Possibly Interpret Suggestion That We ‘Kill’ Claire McCaskill As Some Kind Of Threat?…
  tyranny!

Apology Not Accepted, Claire McCaskill

Much like elderly penguin Carl Levin, Claire McCaskill was forced to utter the acceptable adult word “shitty” today while discussing internal Goldman Sachs e-mails that said “shitty.” So here she is apologizing to her mother and the state of Missouri, on the Twitter. But she owes an apology to Goldman Sachs most of all, as does everyone, for questioning them. THEY WERE JUST MANAGING THEIR POSITIONS, YOU GUYS! [Twitter via Clusterstock] Read more on Apology Not Accepted, Claire McCaskill…
  the world's greatest deliberative body

Senators Upset About Not Having To Work Afternoons

The Senate Republicans. What arcane rule that shouldn’t exist did they pull out of Judd Gregg’s anus this time? Well, apparently you can deny unanimous consent at the outset of a new session and stop all Senate proceedings at 2 p.m. The Republicans are doing this because they are children who govern out of pique. All sorts of Very Important meetings are now being canceled, like the one Claire McCaskill is addressing in this clip. She had to cancel her hearing on contractor oversight in Afghanistan, and you know how much progress they would’ve made there! [TPM] Read more on Senators Upset About Not Having To Work Afternoons…
  taxpayer-funded senates

Ben Nelson Is Funnier Than Even The Funniest Black Comedians

You commies are always so upset with terrible Sen. Ben Nelson that you miss the whole friggin’ point of his existence: Ben Nelson shits humor. Think of the two funniest things ever, now. That’s right: Ben Nelson was the comedian behind both the knock-knock construction and the JFK assassination! And as the Washington Post tells us this morning, he has even more jokes that he loves to play on his humorless legislative colleagues, so as to endear himself to them. Let’s laugh at his jokes! Read more on Ben Nelson Is Funnier Than Even The Funniest Black Comedians…
  wagg the bog

Sarah Palin Smells Like Taint, and Barack Obama Lets Turkeys Win

Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt safe — Sarah Palin stood in the freezing Anchorage cold for seven hours in hopes of procuring an autographed bottle of IVANA TRUMP PERFUME. And that was the fateful day Sarah realized not even Ivana’s magical flower-scented elixirs could mask the putrid odor of moose semen …. Read more on Sarah Palin Smells Like Taint, and Barack Obama Lets Turkeys Win…
  the world's greatest deliberative body

Someone Get Claire McCaskill A Cocoa

Poor self-important freshman Senator Claire McCaskill. She’s been in the Senate for nearly three whole years now and it’s made her tired and sad and maybe everyone should just give Congress a break, because what’s most important to the American people is that every current senator gets re-elected: “I don’t think anyone’s excited about doing another really, really, big thing that’s really, really hard that makes everybody mad. Climate fits that category.” Ugh, AMEN, cause then you’ve got to read it… write it… explain it to people… organize… make up your mind… this is not what Claire McCaskill expected the Senate to be like! It was supposed to just be super easy votes on awesome things like wars and other wars and tax cuts and junk. [Ezra Klein] Read more on Someone Get Claire McCaskill A Cocoa…
  'i don't understand this rudeness'

Claire McCaskill: You All Get Detention, Forever

Plain-spoken adult human Claire McCaskill is setting the right tone here, about two notches down from, “Listen to me, clowns: those of you who are shouting about health care are *retarded.*” They are so scared of a single-payer health care system, like Medicare. IT TERRIFIES THEM! They cannot deal with the very thought of it! [TPM] Read more on Claire McCaskill: You All Get Detention, Forever…
  emergency tweets

Senator Barely Survives Subway Nightmare

A secret leetle underground train runs 20,000 leagues below the pile of rat carcasses and despair known as “the Capitol,” and it whisks lawmakers between their offices and the votin’ place without their having to encounter land-bound mortals, or sunshine. Sometimes this subway breaks down, and when it does, it is terrifying. Read more on Senator Barely Survives Subway Nightmare…
  party crashes

Wonkette Eats Fancy Dinner With Important Journalistic Reporters And Slimeball Politicians

On Monday night your two Wonkette associate editors attended a Dinner Party thrown by the digest The Week, called The Week Opinion Awards, and we’re only posting about it now because hey, shut up. It was somewhat “A-List,” meaning (a) why the poo were we invited and (b) why the poo did we go? Because after only four seconds at the opening cocktail party, your male associate editor was begging Sara to leave. But two full glasses of gin over the next four seconds changed that attitude into “LET’S GO FUCK WITH LINDSEY GRAHAM” and we stayed for the dinner after all. Read more on Wonkette Eats Fancy Dinner With Important Journalistic Reporters And Slimeball Politicians…
 

Senator-Elect Caught Paying For Own Vacation

Missouri’s Claire McCaskill made the bold decision to skip the first boring Week of Orientation on the Hill. Why? Promised to go on vacation with her family as a reward to them for not abandoning her during the long campaign. Where? Undisclosed location! Read more on Senator-Elect Caught Paying For Own Vacation…
 

Baby Killing, Degenerative Neurological Diseases Continue to Entertain America

Dear YouTube user ding1999, Your single video, a parody of Michael J. Fox’s unnerving Claire McCaskill campaign ad, is the funniest thing we’ve seen all week. Even funnier than when Rush Limbaugh said Fox was faking the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. Why must you disable embedding? Read more on Baby Killing, Degenerative Neurological Diseases Continue to Entertain America…