Tag Archives: civil war

  Tragical History Sewer

New Texas Textbooks Love The Confederacy (And Their Sisters) So Much

This is not an actual Texas schoolbook. This illustration has been chosen for its humorous hyperbole. Please complain on Facebook about this illustration.
Hey, just in time for the post-4th-of-July reminders that school starts up again far too soon, comes this Washington Post story about the brand new history books that will be hitting Texas classrooms in the fall. As we’ve noted previously, the Texas Board of Education adopted some fun new history standards in 2010, and the final products of all that hard work to ensure that children know that Moses wrote the Constitution are finally on the way! We can hardly wait to get our hands on a copy! Read more on New Texas Textbooks Love The Confederacy (And Their Sisters) So Much…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hey, Kids, hope you enjoyed both your Fourth of July and your Independence Day, seeing as how this was one of those years where they fall on the same day. Yr Wonkette had a nice day off and hardly blowed up anything at all that didn’t need ‘splodin’. And speaking of “highly Flammable,” we have for you a fine collection of deleted dumbth, starting with some thoughts from a “Dr. Lopez,” who we regret did not specify what his doctorate was in. Dr Lopez was not especially pleased with our piece on the Texas attorney general who issued an amazing public meltdown in the form of a press release following the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling. And Dr. Lopez had some thoughts about just what a Big Dummy our Evan Hurst must be — don’t be fooled by his flattery at the beginning! As always, punctuation and spelling are verbatim from original. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Nanny-Stater Sarah Palin Tells America How To Raise Kids Good

The Sarah Palin Farknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel has resumed its previous publication schedule, pumping out two videos (combined run-time: 3:26) in the last week. The first video, “Raising Patriots,” features Palin telling hard-working Americans how to raise their own goddamn kids, because Sarah Palin feels as though she is fit to offer parenting advice for some reason. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Nanny-Stater Sarah Palin Tells America How To Raise Kids Good…
  He's almost as good as Michele Bachmann

GOP Congresstwit So Sad SCOTUS Pissed On Graves Of Christian Civil War Heroes

He does history good
Wisconsin’s freshman Republican Rep. Glenn Grothman is fast becoming our favorite numb-nutted wingnut in the House. He’s the one who recently suggested the good people of his district spy on suspicious looking grocery store shoppers, just to make sure those fake welfare queens aren’t buying too many crab legs. He’d already created quite a name for himself as a state senator, with some neat ideas about getting rid of weekends and officially declaring single parents child abusers, and we expect great derptastic things from him during his congressional career. Read more on GOP Congresstwit So Sad SCOTUS Pissed On Graves Of Christian Civil War Heroes…
  Uncle Dumbass from Slidell

Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It

ISIS cake spokesmodel
Gather ’round, little children, for we have a heartwarming story about Walmart, ISIS, cake, and this one Louisiana dumbass named Chuck Netzhammer, who is very sad about how America is stomping all over his beloved traitor Confederate flag. So, because he thinks he is S-M-R-T, he went to the Walmart and said probably something along the lines of “please make me a cake with my favorite flag in the world on it, the one that represents the seditious loser nation that lost the Civil War, for if I do not get this cake, I fear I will never achieve erection again.” Walmart was like “nah, bro.” Netzhammer then had A Idea, so he changed tactics and requested the flag of ANOTHER loser “nation,” the Islamic State, also known as ISIS, or if you are a loser president like Obama, “ISIL.” Read more on Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged

Just try to keep the Yaks happy
The deleted comments game is a weird business — sometimes you can predict what topics will draw a lot of crazy comments — guns, Islam, and the Duggars, especially — and then sometimes, there’s a huge news story that doesn’t quite bring out nearly as much derp as we expected. For instance, we were sure that we’d be devoting most of this week’s Dear ShitFerBrains to this week’s Supreme Court decisions: Thursday’s Obamacare ruling and Friday’s complete destruction of America via Ghey Marrying. But apparently those were so traumatic that the Usual Crowd was too busy buying canned foods for the bunker and commiserating on rightwing sites. No doubt after the shock wears off, they’ll begin venturing to Wonkette to tell us precisely which torments we’ll all face in Hell. Ah, but we did hear a fair bit about the Confederate flag, so at least there’s that. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged…
  Don't speak like EVER

‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Fondly Remembers Slave Holders, Still Won’t Be President

Oh, that guy. He was OK in Bull Durham.
No one was waiting around to hear what Reagan fanboy and former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb has to say about the Confederate flag, because no one cares what he has to say about anything, and now we are quite sure the “Democratic” presidential candidate should have kept his stupid mouth shut: Read more on ‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Fondly Remembers Slave Holders, Still Won’t Be President…
  Drink Too Much And Laugh Too Loud

Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice

Don't know our ass from a hole in the ground
So how about that Confederate flag? Now that it has a negative association for the first time ever, seems like everybody has decided to jump off the Confederate bandwagon, except of course for the diehard morons, of whom there are quite a few. Within hours of Gov. Nikki Haley’s call to remove the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Statehouse, a whole bunch of other Republicans suddenly realized they had permission to get rid of the goddamned thing, too. Mitt Romney actually did something good in his life! The next domino fell Monday night, when Mississippi’s Speaker of the House of Representatives, Philip Gunn, said it was time to remove the Confederate flag emblem from the state’s flag, too. Read more on Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice…
  We Talk Real Funny Down Here

Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch

You can tell from the pixels
Suddenly the Confederate flag has become a bad thing, maybe, or at least a “controversial” one. Just one week ago, it was all about “Heritage Not Hate,” but as of Monday afternoon, it’s officially Problematic, because somebody just discovered that — are you sitting down? — some people have adopted it to promote hatred. Astonishing! South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley learned that it was seen that way, and called for the flag to be removed from the state capitol, even though it was just fine last fall. And now, America’s greatest arbiter of taste, Walmart, has announced that it is shocked, shocked! to learn it has been selling items with the Confederate flag on them, and by golly, it’s going to stop selling them. Read more on Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch…
  just kidding they're all racist assholes

Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We’ve Come To Expect

Unlike wingnuts, that ugly dog is actually lovable.
Our headline is a flat-out lie. Wednesday night in Charleston, a white gunman identified as Dylann Storm Roof allegedly sat and prayed with black churchgoers at a bible study for an hour, and then opened fire, killing nine people, including the pastor, Clementa Pinckney, who was also a South Carolina state senator. As he continued to shoot, a survivor reports that Roof said, “I have to do it. You rape our women and you’re taking over our country. And you have to go.” Unless this particular church has a reputation for raping our women and taking over our country, that sure sounds like a hate crime, and we don’t mean against Christians. Read more on Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We’ve Come To Expect…
  OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE

Alex Jones: While You Were Staring At Caitlyn Jenner’s Funbags, Obama Grabbed Your Guns

Twitter profile pic strategically placed to hide chemtrails in sky behind her.
Conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Alex Jones always has his finger on the prostate of The Real Story that everybody’s missing, if people could only OPEN THEIR EYES! Lately, Jones has been working to reassure Texans that no, Walmart is not building secret tunnels so the Chinese can come in and kill everybody, because that distracts from the REAL STORY, which is FEMA camps and martial law, or something along those lines. But he took a break on his show Tuesday, to rant and rave about all YOU SHEEPLE, spending your entire day transfixed by Caitlyn Jenner’s sex boobies, when Barack Obama is clearly in your house right now, prying your guns out of your cold, distracted hands. Read more on Alex Jones: While You Were Staring At Caitlyn Jenner’s Funbags, Obama Grabbed Your Guns…
  History lesson

Congressjerk Steve King Warns We Must Brace For Endless Civil War, Thanks SCOTUS

And NO homos
Bad news, guys. We’re about to kick off another civil war, according to Iowa Rep. Steve King, who is definitely not A Idiot. What with the Supreme Court poised to force King and all his close personal hetero-friends to suck on gay penises and put rings on them while Jesus weeps in the corner, even the most casual student of U.S. America history can tell you this is exactly how that other Civil War got started: Read more on Congressjerk Steve King Warns We Must Brace For Endless Civil War, Thanks SCOTUS…
  Yay Alan Keyes found something to do

Alan Keyes’ Army Of One Will Declare WAR On Gay-Marrying Supreme Court, Time To Panic!

Surely this man is not crazy.
Poor Alan Keyes. He just cannot get over things. He knows his arch-nemesis Barack Obama (who probably would be hard-pressed to remember Keyes’ name) is out there, making sweet love to our enemies in Iran, so that they may bomb America, together. That keeps him awake at night. And he can’t stop thinking about that time, during the GOP primary debate when he was “running for president,” that he derp-barfed the word “RACIST!” when the moderator asked him about his biggest regret. But sometimes life’s earlier pains and struggles must be put aside, because a new war must be declared. Yes, the new enemies are the gays and their Supreme Court-enablers. If Alan Keyes does not stand up and heed this call to arms, our America will cease to exist! Read more on Alan Keyes’ Army Of One Will Declare WAR On Gay-Marrying Supreme Court, Time To Panic!…
  Fix yourself a drink and let's gossip!

It’s Sunday Funday, Let’s All Have Brunch And Gossip About The Week’s Top Stories!

Awww the poor thing, get him a benedict immediately.
Good Sunday afternoon, Wonkers! What are you all doing? We are writing this post! Let’s sit together and drink adult beverages while we gossip about all the nice things we wrote this week. Was it all about Rand Paul? MOSTLY! Read more on It’s Sunday Funday, Let’s All Have Brunch And Gossip About The Week’s Top Stories!…
  we don't need your civil war

Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK

Let's see what them Dukes is up to next!
Yee-haw! What is that Crazy Cooter (of that old redneck TV show “The Dukes of Hazzard” fame), otherwise known as actor and former Democratic congressman from Georgia Ben Jones, up to now? Oh nothing, just going on CNN to argue in favor of allowing descendants of Confederate soldiers to drive around with the Stars and Bars on their license plates in yet the latest instance of the “Everybody gets a trophy” mentality that has infected America in recent years. Cool, nothing we like more than still arguing over this crap in 2015. Read more on Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK…
  Praise The Lord And Pass No Legislation

Virginia Guy Knows Who Ended Slavery, And It Was Definitely Not ‘The Government’

See, the glowy stuff there at the top is God
A Leesburg, Virginia, town councilman has a novel theory of how American slavery came to an end: God did it, not big government. We’re inclined to think perhaps He had a little help from Ulysses S. Grant and William Tecumseh Sherman, plus a couple million other fellows in blue uniforms, as well as a bearded gent who favored stovepipe hats, but sure, let’s hear out this Thomas S. Dunn II and see what he’s got to contribute to the conversation. Read more on Virginia Guy Knows Who Ended Slavery, And It Was Definitely Not ‘The Government’…