Tag Archives: civil war

  This does NOT mean wingnuts are just like ISIS

ISIS And American Red States Agree: People Aren’t Descended From Some Damn Monkey!

Ha ha ha, sometimes there are Serious News Headlines that just make a person fall into fits of LOL-giggles, and Talking Points Memo has served one up! We were just clicking through our Facebook, or maybe our news reader, we cannot remember, we were drinking, and saw the news that “ISIS Bans Teaching Evolution In Schools.” Extremist terrorist Muslims and wingnut Christians, they are just like us each other! Read more on ISIS And American Red States Agree: People Aren’t Descended From Some Damn Monkey!…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: In Which The League Of The South Weeps And Whines

Princess Sunbutt Will Rise Again!
Gosh golly, Wonkers, have we got a fine load of Dumbth for you this week! We heard from global warming deniers, a creationist, an anti-vaxxer, and a genuine neo-Confederate Southern Patriot who apparently does not actually realize which side lost the War of Southern Treason. Obviously, we need to start with that special snowflake first. Our Friday story about the League of the South’s Lincoln’s-Birthday commemoration of John Wilkes Booth drew a comment from one “Pat Hines,” who has featured in previous Dear Shitferbrains columns. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: In Which The League Of The South Weeps And Whines…
  Pudd'nhead Swanson

Sundays With The Christianists: Mark Twain Was Really Unfair To Slavery In ‘Huckleberry Finn’

Leviticus warns about this
We’ll give Colorado radio preacher and homeschooling maven Kevin Swanson some credit: the guy has Big Ideas, and in his ebook Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, he’s not afraid to make bold claims. His goal, after all, is to prove that Western civilization has been in decline ever since Thomas Aquinas started letting pagan Aristotelian logic into his theology, and that virtually every aspect of what people think of as our culture is really an attack on the Bible, which is our real culture. So maybe it’s no surprise that when it comes to slavery, the central sin of American history,  Swanson explains that the worst thing about it was that America didn’t do slavery in the way the Bible intended. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Mark Twain Was Really Unfair To Slavery In ‘Huckleberry Finn’…
  letters from the derp

Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘Huckleberry Finn’ Is Eeeevil (Not The Reasons You Thought!)

Come back to the drag show agin, Huck honey
We’ve decided that we’re actually rather grateful to wingnut radio preacher Kevin Swanson for writing his bizarre e-screed Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, which makes the case that American and European civilization have been ruined by all of our philosophy and literature. We’d be much better off, Swanson suggests, if we lived like the Puritans, only maybe with the internet so Kevin Swanson could do his podcast and sell ebooks. Why are we grateful to Kevin Swanson? Because his awful little book’s awful chapter on Mark Twain finally reminded us to pick up a terrific biography of Twain’s later life, Mark Shelden’s Mark Twain: Man in White: The Grand Adventure of His Final Years. It’s a heck of a fine book that had been sitting on our shelf just waiting for us to get to it, and it’s a fine reality-based counterpoint to Swanson’s caricature of Twain. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘Huckleberry Finn’ Is Eeeevil (Not The Reasons You Thought!)…
  Teach The Nontroversy

Colorado Nutjob: Why Don’t Textbooks Explain America Voluntarily Stopped Slaving?

Some of teh volunteers at Antietam
The Great AP History Fight in Jefferson County, Colorado, continues into another week, and there have been a few new developments. For one thing, on Thursday night the conservative school board passed a compromise version of a proposal to review all curricular materials, with particular emphasis on Advanced Placement US History (APUSH). The original proposal would have screened instructional materials to ensure they promoted “positive aspects” of God’s Favorite Nation, like patriotism, respect for authority, individual rights, and the free enterprise system, while not encouraging “civil disorder, social strife or disregard of the law.” The compromise that passed will “reorganize existing curriculum review groups in the district to involve more student, teacher and community voices,” according to the Denver Post. Read more on Colorado Nutjob: Why Don’t Textbooks Explain America Voluntarily Stopped Slaving?…
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the importance of that nasty deist Thomas Jefferson. The standards adopted by the State Board of Education were so awful that the conservative Fordham Institute called them “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge” and criticized the SBOE for its “blatant politicizing” of history — especially in its approach to the role of religion: Read more on New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation…
  Lincoln's Doctor's Dog Was A Commie Too

Abraham Lincoln, Total Communist

Save it for COMMUNISM, that is!
We just keep falling in love all over again with Colorado wingnut radio preacher Kevin Swanson. Anyone who thinks that the Pill leaves ladies’ innards littered with tiny dead fetuses and that Mark Twain was possessed by demons is OK in our book (it is a rather strange book). And now Swanson has blown the lid off the biggest scam ever: Abraham Lincoln was a Marxist socialist commie who was bent on turning America into a socialist hellhole, and it worked!!!! Read more on Abraham Lincoln, Total Communist…
  the south shall drive again

Congratulations Texans, Come Get Your Racist License Plates!

Guns Up, Hook ‘Em Horns, Gig ‘Em, Aggies, &c., the proud Americans of Texas now have the GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to put the flag of a racist, treasonous army from Virginia on their license plates! Please tell us about this victory for FREEDOM, Dallas Morning News. A Southern heritage group defeated Texas on Monday, celebrating a court decision expected to force Texas to issue license plates adorned with the Confederate battle flag. A federal appeals panel ruled 2-1 that the Department of Motor Vehicles had violated the Sons of Confederate Veterans’ free speech rights and engaged in “viewpoint discrimination” when it rejected its specialty plate in 2011. This is, without question, the greatest example of Texans fighting for personal liberty since those pro-slavery dudes got their asses kicked by Santa Anna, except this time the pro-slavery dudes won! This is, of course, about heritage not hate. We mean, just look at Texas’s stated reasons for joining the Confederacy in the first place: Read more on Congratulations Texans, Come Get Your Racist License Plates!…
  seems you think everything is funny wonkett

Deleted Comments Of The Week: I Wrote A Term Paper Once, And You Are Wrong

Let’s see what sort of detritus has washed up in the ol’ comments queue this week…. First off, we have the message reproduced in the pic, from someone who apparently objected to the excessive two pony images that we used last Thursday. Point taken, dude. You may bite Princess Celestia’s immortal sun-emblazoned ass. On the other hand, regarding dude’s whining about our constant spamming of HappyNiceTimePeople.com, our Esteemed Editrix (May She Live A Thousand Years) wasn’t nice about it at all. It was mostly unprintable, but — in a classic case of cutting off her nose to spite YOU YOU UNGRATEFUL WRETCHES — contained many shrill screechings about BURNING THIS SHITHOLE TO THE GROUND. (She meant Wonkette.) On a more pressing topic, we need to add an important update to our recent story about the Arizona Senate’s plan to prepare the good people of the Copper State for an electromagnetic apocalypse. You see, we mocked state Sen. Dave Farnsworth for his very smart plan to require Arizona to make recommendations for civilians so they can survive after a high-altitude nuclear explosion wipes out all electrical power and unshielded electronics — no phones, no lights, no motorcars. This did not sit well with would-be commenter “ladyracer19,” who has studied up on EMP, and who just wanted us to know that we really do face a genuine danger from our government of today, which might really truly want to turn off the lights forever, for some reason she didn’t get to: Okay you all. Some of the information posted is correct, but most is bs. How do I know I did a term paper on EMP. I wanted to stand out. Believe me this admin could do this without a problem. Since I wrote that paper things have improved a lot and it would be a lot easier now. If there is something to stop EMP they aren’t putting it out. Don’t discount this, this could happen and of course it more than likely won’t be our government but can we really trust this government of today? Good question! Can we trust the government not to deliberately trigger a civilization-disrupting disaster, just for the hell of it? Ladyracer19, thank you for bringing this to our attention. We look forward to hearing more about the chemtrails and HAARP mind control as well, not to mention the race of men in the trees. We’re for prompt legislation. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: I Wrote A Term Paper Once, And You Are Wrong…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Dismantles Fox’s Andrew Napolitano With Civil War Game Show

This needs some set-up: In February, Fox’s Andrew Napolitano claimed the Civil War was unnecessary since slavery was “dying a natural death” and Lincoln could have just bought the slaves and freed them for far less than the cost of the war. Tuesday’s Daily Show debunks these claims through a game show: “The Weakest Lincoln.” After all, what’s more persuasive for Americans than a game show? Up against Napolitano for the quiz: Abraham Lincoln, played by Jessica Williams wearing the least convincing fake beard on a woman since Monty Python’s Life of Brian. And to make sure the truth-down of Napolitano stuck, a panel of judges made up of genuine history professors: CUNY’s Jim Oakes, U Mass Amherst’s Manisha Sinha, and Columbia’s Eric Foner. Read more on Jon Stewart Dismantles Fox’s Andrew Napolitano With Civil War Game Show…
  for the racist who has everything

Georgia Offering Confederate Flag License Plates To Go With Your TruckNutz

Heritage is very very important to some people. No matter how disgraceful their ancestors may be, we all know those Germans Southerners who fly the Nazi Confederate flag in honor of long-dead grand-pappys who fought for the Third Reich Confederacy. And we all know that those folks don’t hate any particular people, but are just proud that their blood relatives fought for God and country, right? Well, folks in Georgia will now be able to find one more way to be totally not racist at all, and have that there license plate hanging from their pick-up truck, a perfect companion to rusted chewing tobacco cans and TruckNutz. Because nothing says class like desperately hanging on the the memory of fighting for the rights of people to own human beings based upon their skin color, amirite?  Read more on Georgia Offering Confederate Flag License Plates To Go With Your TruckNutz…
  the secret of my secession

Mississippi Senate Candidate Just Can’t Quit All These Neo-Confederates

Chris McDaniel is just a good ol’ Constitutional Conservative who has addressed a conference held by a neo-Confederate group that thinks secession would be a nifty idea. McDaniel, a state senator who’s pursuing a primary challenge to incumbent Sen. Thad Cochran, was prominently featured in last weekend’s New York Times story on the “GOP Civil War,” which didn’t mention his palling around with people who think the wrong side lost the actual Civil War. Cochran is now apparently some kind of liberal because he voted to keep the government running; McDaniel is looking forward to making that vote a central talking point against Cochran. True patriots don’t want a functioning federal government, after all. Read more on Mississippi Senate Candidate Just Can’t Quit All These Neo-Confederates…
  reconstruction time again

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Unreconstructed Homeschoolers

Now that we’ve got the Civil War out of the way, our Christian-school textbooks almost seem to settle down and relax for a bit. They had a lot of ideological axe-grinding to do in discussing the causes of the Civil War, and there’s certainly a fair bit of that left over for Reconstruction, but for the most part, their coverage of the era seems fairly conventional. Needless to say, we’ll focus on the weird stuff. And as usual, our 8th-grade textbook, America: Land I Love (A Beka 1994), is happy to provide some weird. Both Land I Love and our 11th/12th-grade text form Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools, portray Abraham Lincoln as wanting a more conciliatory policy toward the former Confederate states than the Radical Republicans in Congress, who largely wanted punitive policies. But Land I Love goes a step further and decides this would be a great opportunity to recast Lincoln as a kind of proto Ronald Reagan — discussing the postwar Freedmen’ Bureau, the book insists: Lincoln believed that government should do only what people cannot do for themselves. Local churches, businessmen, and farmers knew what was best for their own communities. Having been a part of township and county government, President Lincoln wanted most decisions to be made at the local level. We should perhaps be grateful that the authors don’t also have Lincoln announcing, “Government is not the solution to our problem; government IS the problem.” Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Unreconstructed Homeschoolers…
  the south's gonna write again

Sundays With The Christianists: Letters To Yr Humble Editor, Confederate Flag Envelope Edition

This week, a Very Special Episode of Sundays With the Christianists, with some special comments from admirers of this feature. Actually, we’re somewhat surprised that, in the year and some weeks we’ve been at this, we haven’t gotten more negative feedback — we appear not to have attracted the attention of the Jesusphere so far, which is occasionally a little disappointing. We’ll just have to try harder/more blasphemous-er. On the other hand, our recent posts on how Christian textbooks cover the Civil War have generated a couple of unhappy comments, which we’re delighted to share with you today. Our first comment comes from “Rebelbill,” who went to the trouble of including a confederate flag avatar on his account, just so we’d have no doubts about where he stands. In reply to our September 1 post, Rebelbill writes: I’ve never heard such a brainwashed crew of cultural marxists. Southern states had the Constitutional right to secede. Lincoln promised the South that he would enshrine slavery forever. No deal. Oh, this should be fun. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Letters To Yr Humble Editor, Confederate Flag Envelope Edition…
  there's an appomattox for that

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers Marching Through Georgia

We didn’t really intend to spend three weeks on the topic of our Christian textbooks’ coverage of the Civil War. Then again, both the North and South expected the war itself to take only a few months. With all the current talk of a “short, limited air campaign” against Syria, we wonder if maybe there’s a useful metaphor in that? And maybe, while we’re at it, in Mark Twain’s “The War Prayer”? Hahaha, who do we think we are kidding? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers Marching Through Georgia…
  fiddling while ken burns

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers In A House Divided

Break out the daguerreotypes and crank up the “Ashokan Farewell” (yes, we know it’s from 1982), because it’s time for some more Civil War in our Christian homeschooling textbooks. First off, a correction: Last week, we said that our 8th-grade text from A Beka, America: Land I Love, didn’t say anything about the causes of the Civil War. This is inaccurate! We simply missed the entire third of a page it devotes to the topic, because it comes at the end of the section, just before it jumps into Reconstruction. And where our other textbook, the 11th/12-grade United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press), identified the central issue of the war as the question of whether “states that voluntarily joined the Union by ratifying the Constitution [could] voluntarily leave the Union,” Land I Love takes a broader view: While Southerners were outraged by what they considered an abuse of their states’ rights, many Northerners were grieved and angered by the practice of human bondage in their land. Thus both sides fought for values they held dear — the North for national unity and freedom for all men, and the South for states’ rights and the defense of their homes and families. And that’s about all the analysis the authors figure an eighth-grader can handle. On the other hand, they provide a full page on “Robert E. Lee: Great Christian General.” For this age group, you really have to emphasize the important factual stuff. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers In A House Divided…
  the south will writhe again

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Confederate Homeschoolers

Before we get started, a note on a personal milestone: Last week marked the one-year anniversary of this feature, which began with a look at an American Literature book for Christian students, where we learned that Mark Twain rebelled against God’s authority. Based on the amount of derp being thrown at the homeschooling market, we don’t expect to run out of material anytime soon. This week, the Civil War. And both of our textbooks actually do call it that, which is something of a relief (although our 11th/12th-grade text from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools (2001), uses the chapter heading “War Between the States.”) And neither textbook explicitly plays the “It wasn’t really about slavery at all” card, although they leave plenty of room for instructors to do so. Somewhat surprisingly, our 8th-grade America: Land I Love (A Beka Book, 1994), which usually does the most editorializing, is fairly quiet on the “why” of the Civil War, instead presenting a chronology of the events and debates leading up to the war, but leaving analysis up to the teachers or parents using the book. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Confederate Homeschoolers…
  teaching that old time religion

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books To Shield Homeschoolers From Heresy

We have to admit that we are getting quite an education from our American History textbooks for Christian schools. Last week, for instance, we learned that slavery was unpleasant but had its benefits, like those pretty spirituals. This week, we’ll look at the Second Great Awakening, a period of evangelical growth in the early 19th century, and at other popular religious enthusiasms of the time, which were nothing but twisted heresies. Be sure to take notes, because your immortal soul will be on the quiz. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books To Shield Homeschoolers From Heresy…
  mistakes were made

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Children In Peculiar Institutions

As we mentioned last week, slavery is a difficult topic for our fundamentalist textbooks to dance around. Written as an antidote to perceived liberal bias in education, these books are certainly not going to dwell on the cruelties of slavery like America-hating liberals, but they don’t go so far as to justify it, either. Whenever possible, they mostly address slavery as a divisive political issue that complicated westward expansion and led to the Civil War, while not going into too much detail about the actual conditions of being enslaved. These are two American history books that are untainted by that deck plan of a slave ship that we all know from secular schools. There’s no danger that anyone reading these books will come away supporting reparations for slavery. Which was definitely bad, but not as bad as the liberals want children to think. Fill up your coffee mugs, kids, there’s a lot to cover this week. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Children In Peculiar Institutions…
  heritage not hate or something probably we guess

You Can Have Our Confederate Battle Flag When You Pry It From Our Cold Dead Hands…Again

What in the everloving fuck is going on with our beloved native state of Virginia? We thought the homeland was finally progressing into the 21st century after the elections of 2008 and 2012 when, a mere 60 years after the schools in our hometown shut down rather than integrate, the good citizens of Virginia voted for the Mulatto Muslin Socialist Usurper for president (60 years is a mere eye blink in the South where race is concerned, it is a fly fart in a hurricane). This was A Big Fucking Deal. Then Virginia turned around and elected wingnuts Bob McDonnell and Ken “Cooch” Cuccinelli and enacted terribly restrictive abortion laws and told all its citizens they would avoid anal if they know what’s good for them, and just when we had <headdesked> until we could <headdesk> no more, along comes the charming news that a group calling itself the Virginia Flaggers will enact a 15-foot-wide Confederate battle flag on I-95 just south of Richmond: Read more on You Can Have Our Confederate Battle Flag When You Pry It From Our Cold Dead Hands…Again…
  the jig is up

Charles Krauthammer Figures Out Obama’s Dastardly Plan To Rule…With Votes!

Oh, Obama. We tried so hard to keep your secret under wraps. We figured that no one would ever figure out how devious you were. We figured we could keep your real plan a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma all mixed together inside a delicious smoked brisket burrito. Sadly, we were wrong. Charles Krauthammer is just too gosh-darned perceptive and has seen through all our protective layers. Now the world will know that B. Barry Bamz is all about dividing, conquering, and stone cold civil war starting: “He’s been using this, and I must say with great skill–-and ruthless skill and success–-to fracture and basically shatter the Republican opposition… His objective from the very beginning was to break the will of the Republicans in the House, and to create an internal civil war. And he’s done that.” Read more on Charles Krauthammer Figures Out Obama’s Dastardly Plan To Rule…With Votes!…
  and that's the whole point

Tennessee Denies ‘Voting ID’ To 96-Year-Old Black Lady

Racist Republicans in Tennessee have their first success with the new “Voter ID” requirement: A 96-year-old black lady who has voted in all but one election (in 1960) that she was legally eligible to vote in has been denied the right to take part in democracy. Why? Oh, just some piece of missing paperwork. That’s the point of “Voter ID,” to stop people you don’t want voting — the poor, minorities, take your pick! — on a technicality. This is how so many black Americans were denied the vote in the South for a hundred years after being “emancipated.” Read more on Tennessee Denies ‘Voting ID’ To 96-Year-Old Black Lady…