• LOOK AMERICA, WE GAVE CITIBANK A PROFIT! It’s sexytime on Wall Street today, and around the world! That’s right, a Global Stock Rally. Citigroup jumped a whole 30 percent and is now worth 1.3 shits. You know why? Because they announced that they’re having the best profit outlook for any quarter in years! HMM… we have a sinking suspicion that some fuddledeedum went into that balance sheet, but meh, everyone’s rich again. BUY A HOUSE. [Bloomberg]

• Rahm Emanuel is not your fucking whistle-blower. [Marc Ambinder]
• If it had been a McCain speechwriter groping a cardboard Michelle Obama instead of the homonymic Jon Favreau looking uncomfortable while feeling up a Hillary sex animatron, the press would have been more scandalized. But this is definitely more Sexist, by virtue of Sex Doll Hillary’s involvement. [Vanity Fair]
• Ask Barry all of his deepest secrets, on his “Open for Questions” web site thing!  [The Corner]
• The official slogan of the Inauguration is “Renewing America’s Promise,” which was recycled from the the 1984 Democratic Convention. In today’s dollars, America’s promise can be renewed for half a pack of Saltines and a Tower Records gift card. [Ben Smith]
• Blaggy’s lawyer said that the corrupt corruption-fetishist was “surprised” to learn about all of this, his long tradition of corruption. [TPMMuckraker]
• To save money, Citibank won’t give lollipops to kids in drive-thrus. [AMERICAblog]

DRAMATIC IRONY, SPECIFICALLY: We saw this tease on the Washington Post website’s front page fifteen minutes ago and are mentally and physically unable to click through. The headline and subhead have transfixed us with this weird numbing sensation. “Symbolism” and “irony” and “Too big to succeed”! How do these fantastical terms and wordplays relate to giving this huge company a bunch of $$$? We must click to find out! Wait. No! We musn’t. It’s better this way, just knowing that the symbolism and irony are out there, somewhere. [WP]