citibank

IT'S HIS PARTY AND HE'LL CRY IF HE WANTS TO  7:00 pm October 17, 2012

Maria Bartiromo: Obama Was Too Mean To Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit And So He Quit

by Kris E. Benson

When CEO Citigroup Vikram Pandit quit yesterday after five years of service, the talking heads on the TeeVee were left to wonder what had happened. It’s quite a “headscratcher,” said the Yahoo finance team! Also, he kind of sucked!. Did he quit because they figured out he sucked, perhaps? (And to be fair, it appears [...]

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE  10:25 pm October 17, 2011

Citigroup Earnings Rise 74% As Cops Giggle Over Citibank Arrests

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Cheer up, America! You might be spending your evening meal staring down that last half-can of reheated Spaghetti-Os salted with your own tears, but your old corporate person frenemy Citigroup posted a cool 74% increase in earnings this quarter! $3.8 billion! How do they do it? Let’s check the AP report: “more of its customers [...]

OUR FLOURISHING ECONOMY  12:26 pm March 10, 2009

by Jim Newell

LOOK AMERICA, WE GAVE CITIBANK A PROFIT! It’s sexytime on Wall Street today, and around the world! That’s right, a Global Stock Rally. Citigroup jumped a whole 30 percent and is now worth 1.3 shits. You know why? Because they announced that they’re having the best profit outlook for any quarter in years! HMM… we [...]

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  4:08 pm December 10, 2008

Blaggy Is Just As Shocked As You Aren’t

by Juli Weiner

Rahm Emanuel is not your fucking whistle-blower. [Marc Ambinder] If it had been a McCain speechwriter groping a cardboard Michelle Obama instead of the homonymic Jon Favreau looking uncomfortable while feeling up a Hillary sex animatron, the press would have been more scandalized. But this is definitely more Sexist, by virtue of Sex Doll Hillary’s [...]

...GO ON?  8:11 pm November 24, 2008

by Jim Newell

DRAMATIC IRONY, SPECIFICALLY: We saw this tease on the Washington Post website’s front page fifteen minutes ago and are mentally and physically unable to click through. The headline and subhead have transfixed us with this weird numbing sensation. “Symbolism” and “irony” and “Too big to succeed”! How do these fantastical terms and wordplays relate to [...]


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