Cut it out, Wonkett! Cindy McCain’s really really upset. She gave an interview to People about her barfy headaches and said funny things and all *you* people did was LAUGH at these funny things. Now she is raising an army of devils, to kill everyone. MORE »

Ooh, an interesting interview with Cindy McCain in the latest issue of The New Yorker!… wait… the latest issue of People magazine! We learn a number of things in this feature, “Cindy McCain’s Secret Struggle with Migraines,” most notably that she has a secret struggle with migraines. They are almost as painful as a torture session in the Hanoi Hilton, she claims, in this actual real-life quote: “Torture. Being tied to a chair for four days. I can’t imagine how unbearable that pain must have been, but yeah, I can, because a migraine may come close.” Absolutely. Maybe she should ask her doctor for (= steal) some Percocet or Vicodin, to alleviate the pain? [People]

Your 24-hour Cindy McCain news network brings you this Hot Tip regarding the whereabouts and identity of the mysterious “Wonkett”: It could be any number of sick and depraved individuals scattered across the country. Part-time police composite artist Lauri Apple has graciously offered to render a few of the more likely suspects. Click the little picture to ENLARGE. MORE »

O Holy Day, look what just dropped in ye olde “Wonkett” tips box! Cougs is back for more: “Will you follow this link to sign the birthday card? There’s even a special space to leave a personal message of encouragement for John. After you’ve signed the card, I hope you’ll make a generous contribution to John’s reelection campaign, so he can continue his service to our country.” We will do one of these things! MORE »

Hiya, Cougs! “Everything?” Hard to say. But the McCain Family’s illiterate psychobabble, on Twitter? Always! Jesus. Why won’t these satire sites GROW UP AND GET SERIOUS? [Twitter]

Political wife person Cindy McCain is summering at her home in Coronado (”fancy San Diego”)… right next a huge base of sexy sexy Navy boys! Miss Cindy posted this naughty pic on her Twitter with the message, “The Navy Seals running on my beach. They look great!” PRRR, kitty. Watch out SEALs! [Twitter]

• WHO IS THIS DEPENDENT CHILD? Now what is this we see in the Senate financial disclosures: “Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and his wife, Cindy, owe more than $15,000 on a joint credit card that is charging 25 percent interest; Cindy McCain owes between $15,000 and $50,000 on another charge card; and a dependent child has racked up between $15,000 and $50,000 on an American Express Card as well.” [Politico]

Like many unemployed Americans, “first daughter” Meghan McCain now blogs for The Daily Beast. Tapping deep into her journalistic Rolodex of sources, she was able to score an interview with John McCain’s second and current wife, Cindy! Meghan uses the opportunity to ask such pressing questions as, “The one thing I always wished was that people would have gotten to see your sense of humor in different situations. Why do you think that never was able to happen?” Ha ha THE INTERNET. MORE »

WALNUTS ruins everything again! His despised wife, Cindy, wanted to be on the popular teevee sitcom Dancing With The Stars, according to the very reliable Page Six. Gross! The anonymous source says that “she wanted it very badly,” but then this week John McCain “put the kibosh on it.” Ha ha he thinks his wife is such a whore, all the time. Since he is going to die soon, you’d think he’d let his young rich wife have a little fun on her own, no? [NY Post]

For the past six months, the National Enquirer has devoted 148% of its coverage to the extramarital affairs of political types. This month’s installment brings you Cindy McCain’s torrid face-sucking antics with a “a long-haired man who resembles ‘a washed-up ’80s rock musician.’” Ugh, gross. MORE »

Why is Cindy McCain so angry all of the time? Can America afford to have a first lady who is such an angry angry harridan? What a terribly scary woman, with her angry rants! Ah well, at least she is not as terrifying as Michelle Obama, who has a classy hairdo and says classy things on Larry King Live all the time. [YouTube]