Tag: cigarettes

A power bottom for your gay love, and also your dollars.

Help Us Name The World’s First Ted Cruz Hardcore Gay Porn Flick, Starring Ted Cruz!

This thing. You have seen it? It's a real thing, and Ted Cruz is not embarrassed by it! In fact, he's such a fucking know-nothing that he thinks it's COOL. In fact, he thinks it's so cool that he's selling...
Yep, lady, that's your God, stone cold rollin' His eyes at you.

Mean Judge Makes Kentucky Clerk Murder Jesus By Doing Marriage Licenses For Gays

Here is your latest update on Kim Davis, martyr to the Christian masses and county clerk for Rowan County, Kentucky, who has been crucified by Teh Buttsechs Gods (read: the Supreme Court and the Constitution and Kentucky Gov. Steve...
Bad president bad!

Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was...
Have you guys heard of New Hampshire?

Massachusetts Patriots To Local Health Board: Smoke Free Or Die

Central Massachusetts is Charlie Pierce's beat -- he grew up there, whereas Yr Wonket lived in the Commonwealth for a mere decade -- so if Pierce picks this story up, be sure to read him. With that said, we...
This child can't stand Maureen Dowd either

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Maureen Dowd Gets Pot Lessons From Willie Nelson Edition

With no single national calamity to focus on this week, the Sunday New York Times brings us mélange of Big Journalism on Important Topics, the general drift of which leads us to wish we'd stayed in bed. For starters,...

Barack Obama Said A Mean Thing About Tobacco, So Now Fox News Wants Everyone To Smoke

The giant drugstore chain CVS announced it will no longer be selling cigarettes, and Barack Obama said a thing, like, "that's nice. Health," or something, we don't know, it was pretty anodyne. Did Fox News run every picture of...

Daily Caller Comes Roaring Into 1950s, Starts Reviewing Cigarettes

The Daily Caller's editorial ethos is growing clearer by the day. They are distrustful of black teenagers and loose women, for starters, and this weekend they also covered how hot it is when women ski in bikinis and which...

Top Ten New Obama Habits Since He ‘Quit Smoking Last Year’

It's a pretty slow news year so far, so it's time to check in with First Lady Michelle Obama to find out if her husband is still sneaking cigarettes in that closet where Bill Clinton used to bang interns...

Obama’s Inability To Quit Smoking Proves He’s Morally Weak

Ronald Reagan could do it. Even George W. Bush could do it. But Barack Obama -- a 49-year-old multi-millionaire adult with two impressionable children and a somewhat high-profile public life -- cannot stop smoking cigarettes. If Obama's inability to...

FDA’s Cigarette Package Plan To Feature Cool Death Images

Cigarettes are going to cease to exist forever because the FDA has unveiled new, scarier anti-smoking warnings that will cover 50% of the front of cigarette packaging. But because these warning pictures were made by bureaucrats, they're not actually...

David Paterson Tries To Smite Native Americans With Mean Cigarette Tax

Why did David Paterson try to force Native American peoples to pay lots of extra taxes just for selling delicious cigarettes to the white man? Sounds sort of racist and illegal! federal judge temporarily blocked Governor Paterson's plans to drum...

Science: ‘Massaging Your Scalp With Cigarette Ash’ Might Be Ill-Advised

Aww, Jim Inhofe’s grandchildren built Al Gore a spacious snow cavern to live in! How did they know Al's fursona was a "homeless but sensitive polar bear?" Looks like it's going to be another lonely, miserable Valentine's Day, huh?...

Oh And Did We Mention How Hilarious John McCain’s ‘Wisecrack’ Was?

Ha ha ha, John McCain made an ungodly horrific "joke" yesterday that you've probably already noticed. When a reporter asked him about an increase in American cigarette exports to Iran, phunny humorist McCain responded, "Maybe that's a way of...

Barack Obama Back To Smoking His Face Off

There is a terrible "wagon" in politics that people ride when they don't want to have fun anymore. When you are on this wagon, you do not smoke or drink or do amphetamines or masturbate. It appears that Barack...

Doctor’s Report: Obama ‘Lean And Muscular’ With ‘Minor Skin Rashes’

Last week, John McCain released a medical dossier longer than Moby Dick that lingered in gruesome detail over his many benign polyps and lesions. This week, Barack Obama's doctor revealed that in spite of a youth spent snorting powdery...