Tag Archives: CIA

  the old man loves my ass

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Where Mistakes Were Made

This week we’ll start wrapping up the Glorious Reagan Years, in which the Gipper personally defeated Communism almost everywhere by Standing Tall and being the manliest. And for a change, on the topic of Afghanistan at least, it’s our 11/12th-grade history textbook from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools (2002), that manages to tell bigger lies than our text for 8th graders, America: Land I Love (A Beka, 2006). Way to go Bob Jones U! We knew you could do it! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Where Mistakes Were Made…
  Slow Eddie

Boy, That Edward Snowden Really Screwed Up, Says Edward Snowden

Though it’s always nice to be right, we really wish we had been wrong about Edward Snowden. We wish that he truly had been the super-genius martyr for freedom depicted by his most fervent supporters — and, if we’re being honest, by Snowden himself, with his talk of “sacrificing himself” and “risking his life” and so on. But he is not a super-genius martyr. He’s a naive idealist who’s in way over his head. And now, to his credit, it looks like he’s finally ready to acknowledge this: Two sources close to him told the Daily Beast that he “instantly regretted” his appearance on Russian state TV to ask shirtless Russian godhead Vladimir “the Botox Fox” Putin a softball question about Russia’s security apparatus, to which Putin naturally responded with transparent, regime-serving lies. “It certainly didn’t go as he would’ve hoped,” one of these sources said. “I don’t think there’s any shame in saying that he made an error in judgment.” Nope, no shame in that! But where, then, is the shame? Let’s find the shame. Read more on Boy, That Edward Snowden Really Screwed Up, Says Edward Snowden…
  Enhanced Parenting Techniques

Heartwarming Viral Video Presents Motherhood As CIA Torture. Yay Moms.

Have you seen that ADORABLE ad, about how moms are unpaid slaves and what kind of idiot would take a job as one? Here, watch all 14 hours because apparently Ghost Andy Warhol is making greeting card viral videos now. (My mom: “I watched ‘Empire’ in the theater. It was WONDERFUL.” My mom is a liar.) Read more on Heartwarming Viral Video Presents Motherhood As CIA Torture. Yay Moms….
  you know how bad girls get

Big Manly Former CIA Chief Mansplains: Sen. Dianne Feinstein Too ‘Emotional’ About Torture

Former CIA Director Michael Hayden said on Fox News Sunday, on Fox News, on Sunday, that in advocating the public release of the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on torture, Sen. Dianne Feinstein may have been too “emotional,” and maybe even hysterical, because who knows with ladies, right? Sometimes they just fly off the handle instead of being logical and dispassionate about a topic like torturing human beings. Read more on Big Manly Former CIA Chief Mansplains: Sen. Dianne Feinstein Too ‘Emotional’ About Torture…
  girl you lookin so fein

CIA Screwed Up So Bad That Biggest Fangirl Dianne Feinstein Yelling At Them Now (VIDEO)

Yeah yeah, we know, it’s just so hypocritical of iconic Bond girl Dianne Feinstein to suddenly be acting all hotted up about domestic spying now that she’s the one getting domestic spied on. It’s very ironic and so on, but that’s not the important thing. The important thing is: If you are someone who wants a new Church Committee to ram home a deep, broad, penetrating probe of CIA, NSA, FBI, and all the rest, you should be happy. The chances of that happening just got a lot better. And boy, it’s about time. To us, the most striking thing about this whole affair has not been the accusations against the CIA, but rather just how badly they’ve handled themselves in response. It’s like when you catch a kid with his hand in the cookie jar, and his reaction is to yell “FUCK YOU! My hand was not in the cookie jar, and even if it was it’s none of your fucking business! DO YOU HEAR ME I WILL CUT YOU! I WILL SHIT IN YOUR SHOES!” In other words, the CIA is very much like Justin Bieber or a 19-year-old son. Read more on CIA Screwed Up So Bad That Biggest Fangirl Dianne Feinstein Yelling At Them Now (VIDEO)…
  self-licking ice cream cones

Don’t Be Silly, CIA Couldn’t Have Spied On Congress! It’s Against The Law!

Something weird happened when we learned that the CIA was probably spying on a Congressional committee tasked with investigating CIA abuses, including allegations of torture — you know, like beyond all the torture we already knew about. We are outraged, of course, but our outrage doesn’t feel like it used to. All we feel is a strange sensation at the base of our skull, like a little man yelling “Hey! This is disgraceful! Face redden! Vein pop! Stomach knot, form of pretzel!” But none of that is happening. Maybe that’s because we have heard this joke before, and the punchline is “a slap on the wrist, and everyone forgets.” We’d tell you the setup, but it’s classified. Read more on Don’t Be Silly, CIA Couldn’t Have Spied On Congress! It’s Against The Law!…
  you can't handle the truth

Super Secret Spy Man Jim Garrow Survives Obama’s (Or Satan’s) Latest Attempt To Kill Him

We hope you’ll indulge our fondness for the paranoid ravings of Jim Garrow, the “CIA spy” who likes to tell radio talk show wingnut Erik Rush all about Barack Obama’s secret plans to nuke America and to fool us into thinking that space aliens have contacted the White House, so that Russia and Canada can invade or some damn thing. Now Garrow is saying that Barack Obama is killing off Garrow’s fellow secret agents because of the threat they pose to his plan for total control. Lucky thing Garrow somehow remains free to go on rightwing radio shows to share that! Among other hobbyhorses, Rush and Garrow remain committed to the belief that military commanders are being “purged” by the Obama administration to cover up the President’s plan to kill 90% of Americans so that George Soros can get rich — all that stuff about sloppy drunk generals and cheating officers is just a cover story, you see. You just need to look at the big picture, which is that every third-rate Tom Clancy knockoff presents a plausible scenario for how the world works. (And of course, you need to keep in mind that Tom Clancy was himself knocked off by an Obama hit squad.) Read more on Super Secret Spy Man Jim Garrow Survives Obama’s (Or Satan’s) Latest Attempt To Kill Him…
  more bunk than bunker

WND’s Jerome Corsi Gives Up On Obama’s Birth Certificate, Now Mistrusts Hitler’s Death Certificate

Wingnut’s wingnut Dr. Jerome Corsi, Ph.D., has pretty much had it with this “Barack Obama Birth Certificate” nonsense. That is just SO 2008-2013. Now he’s onto a fresh new thing: Hitler. Oh sure, you may scoff — Hitler died nearly 70 years ago, after all! But “Hitler Escaped” stories are the little black dress of conspiracy theories — so basic, so simple, yet endlessly variable, and always timely. Let’s see how Dr. Jerome Corsi, Ph.D., fills out this sexy little number. Read more on WND’s Jerome Corsi Gives Up On Obama’s Birth Certificate, Now Mistrusts Hitler’s Death Certificate…
  ta-pocketta pocketta

Scammy EPA Climate Science Guy Was Basically George Costanza

So if you’re really determined to slack off at your job, here’s a lesson from the EPA’s highest-paid employee: No sense just spending the occasional afternoon reading Wonkette or farting around upgrading your virtual rutabaga farm on RutabagaFarmAdventureVille. That’s chump-level slacking. No, if you’re going to defraud your employer, you want to go the route of John C. Beale, who told his bosses at the EPA that he couldn’t do his assigned job because he was on assignment for the CIA in Pakistan. And somehow, nobody checked up on him. Sure, there’s the small matter of facing a federal fraud conviction and spending 30 months in prison. But hey, beats working. In September, Beale pleaded guilty to defrauding the government of almost $900,000 in pay and benefits since 2000. The hell with slipping some post-its into your pocket — Beale was a man with big dreams and a can-do attitude toward fraud, in addition to a don’t-wanna-do attitude toward his actual job. Read more on Scammy EPA Climate Science Guy Was Basically George Costanza…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  sweet transvestite

Woman Says CIA Got Coked-Up Murderer Obama Into Elite Prep School, Also Why Are All These Spiders Crawling On Her?

So this guy from the Manning Report — who is apparently not Bob Barr but rather is this actual black racist from the Atlah church in Harlem — has unleashed a STUNNING REPORT on the “mack daddy,” one Barry Soetoro aka B. Barry Bamz, aka the Hitlerest Hitler who ever Gay-Hitlered, and that is via a phone interview with Mia Marie Pope, who grew up on Oahu several years younger than the GREAT PRETENDER HIMSELF. And what does Ms. Pope say? Oh, that when she was 13, 14 years old, during those years, all the neighborhood kids knew Barry Soetoro was stone-cold blowing older white sugardaddies for cocaine to freebase, and also the CIA got him into Punahou, the elite prep school that nobody could get into unless they were really important and/or blowing someone in the CIA. (Our mom was going to go to Punahou, but she never blew anyone in the CIA — THAT WE KNOW OF — and also her dad died and our grandma moved the family to the mainland before she could go to Punahou. Or at least THAT’S WHAT SHE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BELIEVE.) Read more on Woman Says CIA Got Coked-Up Murderer Obama Into Elite Prep School, Also Why Are All These Spiders Crawling On Her?…
  luntz it up

Are You On The NYPD’s List Of ‘Demographic Americans’? Are You Brown? Then Yes!

Fun fact: after 9/11, the NYPD created something called  a “demographics unit,” devoted to spending time in South Asian and Middle Eastern neighborhoods in New York, New Haven, and various neighborhoods in New Jersey  under the supervision of a CIA agent who worked closely with another former CIA agent hired by the NYPD shortly after 9/11. But don’t worry, the NYPD/CIA officers don’t spy on anyone or anything; they “just” go to mosques so they can “know what they are saying,” and sometimes spend hours in halal markets, bookstores, barbershops, gyms, and restaurants, writing down detailed logs of conversations wherein participants express concern about drone strike frequency in Pakistan, for example, or the ongoing occupation of Afghanistan. What? Using the CIA to spy on Americans is illegal, you say?  And targeting Americans based on their ethnic or racial characteristics violates the 14th Amendment? First of all, you have a pre-9/11 mindset. And second, they aren’t spying on regular Americans, they are spying on demographic Americans, who are probably up to no good anyways. This is why it is TOTALLY not like when the NYPD had a “black desk” in the ’60s to spy on African Americans: Read more on Are You On The NYPD’s List Of ‘Demographic Americans’? Are You Brown? Then Yes!…
  first make a searching and fearless moral inventory

CIA Admits It Waterboarded Noam Chomsky At Area 51 While Planning Iran Coup

You guys, what is even up here? The CIA is now admitting, after 60 years, oh yeah, we totally coup’d Iran. This comes on the heels of its admission that it had been domestic-spying Noam Chomsky back in the ’80s, because of all the terrible danger he posed as … well, as a linguist. Read more on CIA Admits It Waterboarded Noam Chomsky At Area 51 While Planning Iran Coup…
  paging nurse ratched

Totally Sane Congressman: Obama Is Hiding Benghazi Witnesses Away, Probably In FEMA Camps, Why Not

We here at this little mommyblog sometimes take issue with the wingnut wing of the Republican Party, what with their scandal-non-scandals, hyping of misinformation, and the occasional outright lie because of deep-seated racism surface-level racism being awful human beings. But every now and then along comes a sad, pathetic Congresscritter who has truly gone over the edge of sanity and begun frothing at the mouth and ranting incoherently to the point that we feel pity rather than anger. The Hill depicts one of these sad shells of a human being: Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.) is accusing the Obama administration of a massive cover-up in the deadly Benghazi terrorist attack, saying it was “dispersing” witnesses around the country and changing their names in an effort to hide the truth about what happened. This makes us want to get him a glass of warm milk, encourage him to take his meds, and just go to bed. There there, Trey, there there. No, it’s ok – we sprinkled magic fairy Reagan dust, so there are no librul monsters under your bed, rest easy and dream of “Dr.” Beck.  Read more on Totally Sane Congressman: Obama Is Hiding Benghazi Witnesses Away, Probably In FEMA Camps, Why Not…
  it's the hammer of justice it's the vacuum of freedom

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Is Your New James Dyson, America

OK so you all saw this thing yesterday, right? It wasn’t just a fever dream or a really weird acid trip or something the Editrix thought up while drunk in Miami.  Super terrorist mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (christ, that is a LOT of letters. We’re going with KSM here on out) asked the CIA to be allowed to design a vacuum cleaner because doing so would keep his brain from slipping the surly bonds of sanity: Read more on Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Is Your New James Dyson, America… Read more on Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Is Your New James Dyson, America…
  Let's stop all the fight

Barry Xmas, War Is Over! A Wonkette Think Peace

We know it’s been a few days since Barack Obama’s boldly redefined / slightly modified / utterly capitulated in the War On Terror, but since Yr. Editrix said that a good “think piece analysis” is allowed to be late, here is a Sunday morningish Wonket thinky piece on Barry’s big drones -n- Gitmo speech at the National Defense University the other day. So is this a nice-time story, an Obama is morally weak story, or a BORE-ing, could we bring back the shouting lady please story? It most certainly is! We just aren’t sure when we should schedule the parade for the end of the War on Terror and Other Abstractions. Read more on Barry Xmas, War Is Over! A Wonkette Think Peace…
  The Spy Who Emailed Me

Russia Detains Suspected CIA Agent In Moscow In Bid To Rekindle That Cold War Flame

It was an affair to set the loins of history a-quaking. The CIA and the KGB — separated by oceans, yet the power of their lust burned with a nuclear heat that fried the balls of millions. It was intoxicating: the secret rendezvous, the money, the murdering… But they were young, and things change. The KGB got married to Freedom and changed its name; the CIA got really into toy airplanes. But a love like that never really dies, and today we learned that the old flames could be back at it: RT reports that Russia’s FSB (nee KGB) has detained Ryan C. Fogle, a “3d secretary of US embassy” AND alleged CIA dude who’s accused of trying to “flip a Russian operative.” Sexxxy! Read more on Russia Detains Suspected CIA Agent In Moscow In Bid To Rekindle That Cold War Flame…
  Isn't One Sekrit Muslin Enough?

Latest Wingnut Meme: CIA Nominee Brennan Is Secret Muslim Infil-Traitor, Just Like In That ‘Homeland’ Teevee Show

OK, Wingnutosphere — just knock it off. We are no longer accepting new nominations for “Least Plausible Conspiracy Theory,” so can you just give it a rest now, please? The latest contender is a claim making the rounds about how John Brennan, Barack Obama’s nominee to head the CIA, secretly converted to Islam while he served in Saudi Arabia, and that he was recruited as an intelligence asset for foreign terrorists, to whom he passed government secrets! This information comes from a completely credible source on national security, a guy who was a guest on on a right-wing radio show last week. Is the guy, John Guandolo, credible? You bet! He’s an actual FBI agent! Well, former FBI, because before he became a fixture in the anti-Muslim-paranoia industry, he resigned from the FBI before he could be fired for sexytime with a witness in a case he was working. If you can’t trust a virile Patriot like that, who can you trust? Read more on Latest Wingnut Meme: CIA Nominee Brennan Is Secret Muslim Infil-Traitor, Just Like In That ‘Homeland’ Teevee Show…
  invasion of a rack

David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone

Oh man is David Petraeus’ wiener getting people in trouble today. We already knew about Petraeus, a retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, and how he started up an affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, and how Broadwell then sent a bunch of crazy threatening emails to some lady in Tampa, probably about how Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap. We also knew that Petraeus and Broadwell then broke up, ending the first ever documented case of someone in the military community being unfaithful to their spouse. Then, Petraeus sent her “thousands” of emails, because he, apparently, is quite a dork, and somehow not at all busy running the Central Intelligence Agency. But WOW, is there more. Read more on David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone…
  journamalism

Newsmax Reporter: Petraeus Affair Endangered National Security, Per Egregious, Totally Fine FBI Leak

What have our rightwing torture chamber pals at Newsmax been up to lately? Well, according to “chief Washington correspondent” Ronald Kessler, they’ve just cold been getting leaks from disgruntled Fibbies about retired spook-in-chief David Petraeus’s office boffings since October. Ronald Kessler is very outraged about the national security implications of this! Oh wait, no. Ronald Kessler thinks it is fine that an unclearanced person such as himself is getting fed “sensitive” information (just the tip!) about national security from the FBI. On Oct. 10, I was contacted by a longtime FBI source who told me that a bureau investigation had uncovered Petraeus’ affair with a journalist and that it could potentially jeopardize national security. Hmmm, what else might jeopardize national security? Like, maybe leaking serious shit to people from Newsmax? The veteran agent related to me that FBI agents assigned to the case were outraged by what were they were told by senior officials: The FBI was going to hold in limbo their findings until after the election. Oh, right. That’s what endangers national security. Read more on Newsmax Reporter: Petraeus Affair Endangered National Security, Per Egregious, Totally Fine FBI Leak…
  got his cover blown

Drudge Sirens: Gen. David Petraeus Resigns CIA Due To Spying … Between The Sheets

CIA Director David Petraeus has submitted his resignation, admitting that he’d had an extramarital affair and had exercised “extremely poor judgement.” Petraeus is likely to be replaced on an interim basis by deputy CIA director Mike Morrell, according to Administration sources eager to reassure Americans that the CIA will continue to send killer robots to rain death upon the nation’s enemies. Read more on Drudge Sirens: Gen. David Petraeus Resigns CIA Due To Spying … Between The Sheets…
  today in boy geniuses

Hero Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz Outs Pretty Much Entire CIA

Jason Chaffetz, how is your MENSA membership? Still in good standing? Oh, good! Now, we know you and your brethren want to make some political hay out of the Libya fiasco. Who could blame you? Even we were like (secretly, in our brainpans), sup, did Hillz drop the ball? And if hacks like us are wondering that, then it is probably a potent issue indeed! But FIRST you admitted that actually, you and all your GOP buddies had voted specifically to cut funding for embassy security — “priorities,” you said, while accusing Chick Clinton of not having enough embassy security — and then you totally Valerie Plamed an entire CIA … platoon? Gaggle? Murder? Nipple? A nipple of CIA dudes? Well, whatever a bunch of CIA dudes would be. GOOD JOB IN YOUR PUBLIC TELEVISED HEARINGS ON MATTERS OF NATIONAL SECURITY, GENIUS. Read more on Hero Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz Outs Pretty Much Entire CIA…