CIA
Another Patriotic White American Saved By Sharia Law
That CIA dude who shot those Muslims dead in Pakistan has been released! Yay. How did he do it? By following Sharia Law. Apparently, you just give the relatives of the people you killed a shitload of (U.S. taxpayer) money and blammo, you’re free (to kill again, for America). How much does it cost, if [...]
Bradley Manning Charged With ‘Aiding the Enemy,’ Other Dumb Things
Private First Class Bradley Manning faces twenty-two “new” charges, including “aiding the enemy” and probably “complaining too much about being tortured, what a weenie.” (Army people refused to identify the “enemy” Manning is allegedly aiding. Surprise!) Brad Manning is still in solitary confinement at the Quantico Marine Fun Palace, so we’re sure that these new [...]
Julian Assange Can Be Tortured By the Americans, U.K. Court Rules
A British court ruled on Thursday that Julian Assange is an international INTERPOL Amber Alert Threat and must be extradited to Sweden immediately, so that he doesn’t miss his connecting flight to Bagram. (How many hours of “hanging on a meat hook” will it take before Julian confesses that he is Un-American, just like Scotland [...]
SUPER SHOCKER: American Killer In Pakistan Works For CIA
The American assassin held in Pakistan for shooting two people dead on the street was not just a random guy who wandered off his AARP tour bus, but in fact is a soldier of fortune employed by the CIA to murder people in foreign countries. Working for one of the thousands of covert assassination teams [...]
Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison
Tom DeLay is back in court today for the “sentencing phase” of his trial. Although DeLay “faces up to life in prison on the money laundering charge and up to 20 years on the conspiracy charge,” he is also “white” and “eligible for probation.” And apparently many Experts believe he will receive probation. Haha, oh [...]
Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser
Break out your advent calendar and enjoy a delicious chocolate-covered Alaska Supreme Court ruling which states there “are no remaining issues raised by Miller that prevent this election from being certified.” Yay! Blow it out yer butt, Joe Miller, you hairy fraud. Joe will have two days to file “additional complaints,” but it’s unclear what [...]
Scotland Yard Arrests Julian Assange For Unsafe Swedish Sexytime
The Metropolitan Police arrested Julian Assange this morning in London, on suspicion of not wearing a condom in Sweden. (What?) This whole debacle is very quickly developing into some sort of unfortunate James Bond Romcom Bollywood Thriller. One of Assange’s accusers has ties to the CIA, and WikiLeaks has threatened to release the key to [...]
First Gitmo Detainee Tried In Real Court Not Guilty On 284 of 285 Counts
Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani, the first Guantanamo Bay prisoner to be tried in a civil court, was acquitted yesterday on all but one of the 285 charges against him, so this nation was that close to having a freed terrorist walking through our culs-de-sac, stealing our children’s bikes out of front yards and strapping bombs to [...]
Famous Lying Dildo Joe Miller Sues Alaska For Using ‘Discretion’
What is the one thing that Joe Miller hates more than anything, besides “Lisa Murkowski”? Discretion. Joe Miller hates discretion, because how can you “discreetly arrest someone for asking a question”? You can’t, QED. So it should come as no surprise that Joe Miller is suing Alaska, in order to “keep the state from using [...]
Big Day For ‘W’ States!
Oh, God, can you even believe that more primaries are happening? When will America’s suffering end? Today’s victims are in Washington state and Wyoming. Washington has a savage, out-of-control “jungle primary” that will almost certainly result incumbent Democratic Senator Patty Murray facing off against Republican Dino Rossi, who lost the last two gubernatorial races. In [...]
HOORAY, WORLD WAR III IS CANCELLED POSTPONED: “In a July 25 story, The Associated Press reported that former CIA Director Michael Hayden told CNN’s ‘State of the Union’ that U.S. military action against Iran now ‘seems inexorable.’ A spokeswoman for Hayden responded that he made his reference to Iran’s push toward acquiring a nuclear program [...]
Are You An American Spy? (You Are Probably An American Spy!)
Great news for unemployed Americans: Many of us are probably Top Secret Intelligence Agents, for the Government. Don’t worry if you’re not really doing much — nobody else is, either. And nobody knows that everybody else is an Intel Asset, or if they know, they don’t know who, exactly, is an Intel Asset. Relax! Submit [...]
Will U.S. Trade Hot Russian Spies For Whatever U.S. Spies?
We’ve heard on a Numbers Station (the Internet) that Washington and Moscow are about to trade spies back and forth, proving again to the world that post-Cold War secret agent work is a joke. (The real spying is done over the Internet, using “hackers” and “the band Phish” and other deeply unseemly technologies.) The question [...]
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