Wonkette

As America mourns the suspicious death of “D.C. Madam” Deborah Jeane Palfrey and gives up hope that anyone or anything can bring down Dick Cheney (or even David Vitter), let’s look back in anger at other recent suspicious suicides involving Our Federal Government. Did you know one of Palfrey’s escort-service contractor ladies also supposedly hanged herself? And what about all these FBI targets and mysterious CIA agents meeting weird, tragic ends? WTF, people, WTF? MORE »

Everybody knows the three rules of real estate: Location, Refinance, Foreclosure. But our best vice president ever, Dick Cheney, is focused on the first part of that maxim by building his “retirement” house literally across the street from CIA headquarters in McLean, Virginia. MORE »

On September 30, 2003, President Bush said he’d “take care” of anyone in his administration who leaked Valerie Plame’s secret CIA identity to the journalists. On THIS VERY SAME DAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2003, Dick Cheney sent out several e-mails that have now gone missing. Our very vice president! Deleting his very e-mails! I know I never delete e-mails. MORE »

Nuh uh. You’re shitting me. The Department of Justice has opened a criminal investigation into the destruction of those CIA interrogation tapes? That means either (a) Michael Mukasey will be fired immediately for not living up to the Bush standards set by Alberto Gonzales or (b) he will conclude that the tapes were fine, a little waterboarding here and there, but that’s only torture when performed by Megan Carpentier. (Shudder). [Bloomberg]

Recently released British security archives have finally revealed the true reason Maggie Thatcher got real tight with the U.S.: we tortured and then blackmailed her into cooperation. In 1977, when she was still the leader of the minority party, Maggie and her husband went to Houston for her to give a speech. While at the hotel, she and her husband Denis found themselves trapped (yes, together) in the hotel bathroom. They were eventually released by “hotel staff.” The CIA used to be so much fun! [The Guardian]

The Los Angeles Times knows what led to the CIA’s destruction of those torture tapes! If you’re wondering why you didn’t read about this, it might be because they broke it like late-morning on Monday — the day before Christmas. Hey, smooth move, guys! I’m sure eeeverybody saw it! Next time, you may want to point your team of crack reporters toward a calendar.

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Wonkette readers, I never properly introduced myself when I started in October — and this was because I have been living a lie. I am not, in fact, Jim Newell, the “supposed” 22-year-old brat in Washington who makes mindfuckingly hilarious political jokes and uber-trenchant political observation. I am actually Jim al-Newell, a perceived terrorist with al-Qaeda who has all sorts of fun CIA information and shit like that. I hid this double agent status well until one day, when I was walking around DC with Megan Carpentier and I *stupidly* wore my favorite t-shirt — the one that says “Perceived Terrorist” in big A-rab letters on the front. Megan proceeded to waterboard me and asked all sorts of insidery-like questions, like “What time should we publish the gossip roundup?” Torture, I says! She proceeded to destroy the tape of this session — but oh ho ho, my secret camera caught it all! Watch it above! Death to teh Amerkaz, I’m not going anywhere!

After the White House released a statement lambasting the New York Times for a freaking sub-headline, the NYT has decided to play the bigger man by changing it online and issuing a correction. The controversial headline — “White House Role Was Wider Than It Said” — has been replaced with “Bush Lawyers Discussed Fate of Tapes.” As the Times‘ DC editor told Politico, however, “If they want to quibble with the deck, they have a legitimate point. But nobody is raising any questions with what the story is about, and what the story said.” Indeed, and now probably twice as many people have read the damning story. So Dana Perino continues to be a dumbshit, and the world is as it was. [Politico]

Dana Perino, you icy chamberpot of talky talky death! Only one day after your pals Blackwater shot the New York Times‘ fucking dog, and you’re releasing a statement condemning its headline this morning? For being misleading? You, the White motherfucking House is calling someone else misleading? If you weren’t so damn pretty, I’d curse you out several more times. MORE »

• White House lawyers ask the CIA if there’s any way they can covertly kill the people who have found out about the tapes. The CIA tells them, “no.” [NY Times]

• Oh, and hey New York Times, could you like, report things in a less damaging way? We’re dying over here. [The Hill]
• Apparently it’s important that Iowans go out to vote. [Washington Post]
• Huckabee now has something to lose: you know, this whole election thing. [NY Times]
• Bush orders cuts in nuclear weapons, but we’re not sure if they count as cuts if get rid of them by dropping them on people. [Washington Post]
• John McCain has money and stuff again, demonstrating that he will never ever ever go away. [Politico]
• Jealous much? [Poltico]
  

“The former CIA intelligence official who went public on ABC News about the agency’s use of waterboarding in interrogations, John Kiriakou, apparently will not be the subject of a Justice Department investigation, even though some CIA officials believe he revealed classified information about the use of waterboarding…. Gen. Michael Hayden, the CIA director, did sent out a classified memo this morning warning all employees ‘of the importance of protecting classified information,’ a CIA spokesperson told ABCNews.com.” Importance of whosawhatsitnow? Secrecy, got it. [ABC News]

The CIA is rolling out its charm offensive this week in the wake of reports that destroyed evidence and in the face of increasing public scrutiny of the waterboarding technique. Former CIA agent John Kiriakou got on the teevee to talk about that rose-hued day he and his team waterboarded notorious Al-Quaida bad guy Abu Zubaydah (pictured).

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Former White House aide Lewis “Scooter” Libby has dropped his his appeal in the CIA leak case, his attorney said Monday. “We remain firmly convinced of Mr. Libby’s innocence,” attorney Theodore Wells said. “However, the realities were, that after five years of government service by Mr. Libby and several years of defending against this case, the burden on Mr. Libby and his young family of continuing to pursue his complete vindication are too great to ask them to bear.” Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has said the leak investigation is now closed. Libby Drops Appeal Of Spy Leak Conviction [AP]

So you know how the CIA destroyed tapes of [fun and happy!] interrogations of al Qaeda operatives in 2005? Well some Demrats like Ted Kennedy and Dick Durbin having already called for Michael Mukasey to lead an investigation, which will obviously never happen. There’s a war going on, people! Anyway, the would-be scandal’s served White House Press Secretary Dana Perino another heaping pile of shit to eat in an already dense week, and she was the antithesis of informative today. The count for her most commonly used phrases today was: “I don’t know” — seven times; “decline to comment/not commenting” — 10 times; and “still gathering facts/gather the facts” — 11 times. So this little deletey situation should get cleared up right quick. [White House, NYT] MORE »