Tag Archives: church

  Basically like Jesus

Donald Trump YOOOOGE Fan Of God And Those Little Jesus Crackers

Donald Trump, good Christian
We have been so busy LOLing and WTFing over Donald Trump’s attack on John McCain for being a fake war hero, with his weak-assed POWing, because Trump “like[s] people that weren’t captured,” that we almost forgot to tell you some of the other hilarity of Trump’s weekend. Almost. Read more on Donald Trump YOOOOGE Fan Of God And Those Little Jesus Crackers…
  They are just saying that's all

Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!

The newest hysterical entry into the “who can wig out the best over gay marriage?” contest comes from the Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle Church in Knoxville, Tennessee, who decided to use their church sign to remind everyone that this whole fight for “equal rights” is nothing new. In fact, Satan himself debuted the concept, when he wanted equality with God, or something like that, we are pretty sure none of this is in the Bible: Read more on Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!…
  Missionary positions available

Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!

Imagine you are a center of Legitimate Jesus Worship during the day, and a center of NEKKID BEACH PARTIES at night, because this is part of your “ministry.” You would be the Life Center: A Spiritual Community church, in Panama City Beach, and now the mean government is saying you’ve lost your tax exempt status because they’re just not sure college kids painting their naked Adam and Eve parts for Spring Break time on the beach is something any benevolent deity has actually requested recently. The government is the WORST: Read more on Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!…
  and the grifters shall inherit the earth

This Fake TV ‘Church’ Owns All The Money In The World, For Jesus

We all know the rich are being attacked by TAXES. But for every problem there is a solution. Just put your faith in Jesus, and He will shield your money from the IRS, just like Linus told Charlie Brown was the true meaning of Christmas. Hell, you don’t even need to establish a brick-and-mortar church, per NPR: Based in a studio complex between Dallas and Fort Worth, Texas, and broadcasting to a potential audience of 2 billion people around the globe, Daystar calls itself the fastest growing Christian television network in the world. The Internal Revenue Service considers Daystar something else: a church. Yeah, buddy! Daystar has $233 MILLION in assets, rakes in $35 million from viewers every year, don’t have a church building, and they are totally UNTOUCHABLE. Fuck this blog shit – we are gonna launch Wonkette Worldwide Church TV, coming to your hungover eyeballs soon. Read more on This Fake TV ‘Church’ Owns All The Money In The World, For Jesus…
  sweet fancy moses

Rob Ford Dances With Church Choir, Looks Exactly As White As You’d Expect

Here is video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s visit Sunday to the West Toronto Church of God, just doing what almost all white politicians are required to do at some point: dancing very badly in the presence of black people. Think Anthony Weiner, or maybe George W. Bush, even. It’s a white guy thing, and Yr Doktor Zoom, well aware of his own tendency to Elaine It Up whenever taken by the terpsichorean muse, is somewhat loath to slag Ford for his arrhythmic spasms in this video. On the other hand, just look at him, dancin’ like a jerkoff fool…(snrk!) Read more on Rob Ford Dances With Church Choir, Looks Exactly As White As You’d Expect…
  take a peakey at leakey

Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church

Teeny-tiny little “non-denominational” (FUCKIN’ CHRISTIAN, BOY) Church in the Valley of Leakey, Texas, has a new sign up welcoming everyone but Barack Obama. The sign reads, “Vote for the Mormon, not the Muslim! The capitalist, not the communist!” That marquee standing outside a non-denominational church has become the talk of the town in Leakey — about 90 miles northwest of San Antonio. The Church in the Valley is run by Pastor Ray Miller. Miller declined an interview but did say the sign was solely his idea. He said he changes the sign weekly and this isn’t the first bold statement to be displayed. The pastor said he feels strongly about the upcoming presidential election and feels the message on the marquee speaks for itself. Yes, in that it says, quite loudly, “I do not want my tax exemption any more and am also a terrible dinner companion.” Read more on Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Turns 47 On National Day of Laziness/Community Service

Today is “Martin Luther King, Jr. Day,” which is a day to remember the life of a special black person — or “socialist Kenyan,” as they prefer to be called these days — who once copied Glenn Beck by giving a speech at the Lincoln Memorial. But more importantly, today is Michelle Obama’s birthday! Our FLOTUS turns 47 today, and she is probably eating a whole-wheat cake filled with spinach right now, because thanks to all of Michelle’s hard work, soon that will be the only kind of cake available in America. Read more on Michelle Obama Turns 47 On National Day of Laziness/Community Service…
  gross republican cheater version of 'sex tape'

VIDEO SHOCKER: Republican Rep. Mark Souder Made ‘Web Video’ (Against Sex) With His Mistress-Staffer

Tracy Jackson, you have made very poor choices in life. You are pretty and reasonably young. And yet you *allegedly* let this gross old Jesus Freak Republican Family Values Congressman climb all over you and hump on you. Also, Tracy Jackson, Fox News reports that you are *also* married. UPDATE: Oh you think you can take the video down, you vile slob? Well we have found another copy. Read more on VIDEO SHOCKER: Republican Rep. Mark Souder Made ‘Web Video’ (Against Sex) With His Mistress-Staffer…
  jesus people

Youngster To Lead Obama’s Churchy Thing

The cool young urban hipster Barack Obama refuses to hire anyone over the age of 40 except Rahm Emanuel. His chief speechwriter, his cook, and now his what do you call it, head of the White House Office of Faith Based and Neighborhood Partnerships, are all under 30. This newest very young person is just 26 years old, his name is Joshua DuBois, and he made headlines as a BU freshman standing up for 41 hours in front of a Martin Luther King memorial to honor Amadou Diallo. Read more on Youngster To Lead Obama’s Churchy Thing…
 

The ‘Other’ Crazy Black Preacher Reveals Obama’s ‘Trinity of Hell’

We have some epic Crazy right here. This is the “anti-Wright,” Rev. James Manning, famous for calling Obama a “mac daddy” and a “pimp” in a variety of highly comical YouTubes. In this one he describes the Trinity of Hell: Oprah Winfrey (a “struggling actor and radio talk show host” and “suspected lesbian”), Rev. Jeremiah Wright (“a closet homosexual”), and Barack Hussein Obama (also “a closet homosexual” and “a long-legged pimp”). Why did Barry stay in the church for 20 years, Rev. Manning? Well, you can probably guess his answer. [YouTube] Read more on The ‘Other’ Crazy Black Preacher Reveals Obama’s ‘Trinity of Hell’…
 

GOP Voters Having More Sex … But Sex With What?

A shocking new study proves that Republican voters are having more sex than their Democratic counterparts, but Democrats are having less sex with more people, and everybody is basically watching pornography day and night, and both the right and left would happily let themselves be sodomized by the new president, in the White House, as long as that president is “attractive” to the kind of people who vote. Read more on GOP Voters Having More Sex … But Sex With What?…
 

Georgia Gov Sponsors State Rain Prayer

Did you know it hasn’t rained in Georgia in, like, a million years? It’s undergoing the biggest dry spell since prohibition, doggone it. And while most politicians offer practical solutions to major economy-crippling droughts — usually public statements to the effect of “suck it up and go to law school, farmers!” — Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue is taking the more popular Jesus route to moisture. He has “called for Georgians to join in a prayer vigil on the steps of the state capitol, in the hopes that the heavens will unleash the rain.” Be warned, Sonny! Jesus may only give you locusts or cicadas, which are far worse. Read more on Georgia Gov Sponsors State Rain Prayer…