Tag Archives: chuck schumer

  So Very Crude

Barack Obama To Murder Your Keystone XL Oil Pipeline With His Bare Hands

We're betting Barry could win a stare-off with Mitch, unless he starts giggling
This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spills, Fracking, Clean Coal, Dirty Lies, and Laying Pipe In keeping with his pledge to focus on “things that both sides can agree on,” brand new Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is promising that the very first bill to go before the Senate this week will mandate the building of the Keystone XL pipeline, that vitally important project that will employ everyone between Canada and Louisiana and ensure energy independence — and possibly even free gasoline — for the United States. Or maybe it’s a hugely disruptive project that will employ a few thousand people while it’s being built and will move Canadian oil across America so it can be refined in Gulf Coast refineries and then mostly exported. It’s definitely one of those, and the Republicans want it a lot, so now that they have a majority in both chambers of Congress, by god, they’re going to pass it. Read more on Barack Obama To Murder Your Keystone XL Oil Pipeline With His Bare Hands…
  cool story bro

Boehner And Schumer Engage In Twitter Slap Fight As American Dignity Swirls Further Down Toilet

Politifact gives you FIVE AND A HALF PINOCCHIOS, BOEHNER.
We do so enjoy a little lighthearted, good-natured bicameral smack talk in Congress. Like this exchange between Speaker of the House John Boehner and this other guy, a cousin of very funny comedienne Amy Schumer who also happens to be a Senator. Read more on Boehner And Schumer Engage In Twitter Slap Fight As American Dignity Swirls Further Down Toilet…
  unnecessary sequels

Congress May Shut Down Government This Week. Again.

Congress is working on a plan.
Are you ready for Government Shutdown II: The Shutdownening? Because that might be where we’re heading if the sacks of uselessness that make up our Congress can’t put together a spending bill to keep the federal government operating past Thursday. Hooray for government by emergency. Read more on Congress May Shut Down Government This Week. Again….
  nice time!

Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base

Liz Warren, easy riding over the banks
The Huffington Post reports that popular populist Sen. Elizabeth Warren will assume a new leadership role in the rump Democratic caucus. She will be “crafting the party’s messaging and policy” in a “new position created specifically for her,” which is a notable departure from what happened the last time a position was created specifically for her and Richard Cordray filled it instead, how rude! Read more on Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base…
  No SS For The SS

Senate Dems To Old Nazis: No Social Security For You!

Metaphorical Nazis need not worry
This seems like a probably good idea: Sens. Chuck Schumer and Bob Casey plan to introduce legislation that would cut off Social Security benefits for accused Nazi war criminals. We weren’t actually aware that was a problem, but it turns out that “dozens” of former SS guards and other suspected war crimers continued to collect Social Security even after they were forced to leave the U.S., thanks to a loophole in immigration law that the Justice Department used to persuade them to get out of the country. Schumer and Casey want to end the payments, although at this point only four ex-Nazis are still living and collecting the benefits. Read more on Senate Dems To Old Nazis: No Social Security For You!…
  don't go away mad just go away

It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again

Mitt Romney, who just can’t take no for an answer and may need to be told no yet again, has apparently grown tired of pretending to be “severely conservative.” It didn’t work for him so well in 2012, when he ran on his platform of “Ew, the poors!” so it seems he’s plagiarizing a page from John McCain’s playbook by acting all mavericky and taking a position contrary to today’s Republican Party. (This is definitely a wise choice, given how well that worked for McCain in 2008, but shhhh, don’t tell Mitt.) “I, for instance, as you know, part company with many of the conservatives in my party on the issue of the minimum wage,” Romney said in a Friday appearance on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” “I think we ought to raise it. Because frankly, our party is all about more jobs and better pay.” Oooooh! Ahhhhh! So brave. So bold. So principled. Let us take a moment to admire Mitt for having the courage to defiantly defy his party so defiantly by standing up for what he so frankly believes in. Okay, moment’s over: It didn’t get much notice amid the buildup to Super Tuesday. But after conservative outcry over his support for raising the minimum wage, Mitt Romney quietly reversed his position this week. “There’s probably not a need to raise the minimum wage,” the Republican front-runner told CNBC’s Larry Kudlow on Monday. Now let’s take a moment to roll our eyes at forever flip-flopping Mitt because OF COURSE. Read more on It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  no one saw it coming

Astonishing! Ted Cruz Turns Out To Be A Thin-Skinned Whiner-Boy!

Here is Andrea Mitchell recalling a little run-in that she had last spring with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Poutine). Mitchell was on the Morning Joe gabfest yesterday, and said that Cruz appeared to be far more interested in pursuing his Presidential Destiny (as prophesized by his father), instead of making nice, being Senatorial, or passing laws: “Ted Cruz’s strategy is that he wants to be either a presidential nominee or part of the presidential process,” Mitchell said. “He has no strategy to get along and make friends and produce legislation in the Senate.” You would think that someone who wants to be preznit would know that Friendship is Magic, but that is apparently just not on Ted’s agenda, thank you very much, he is a busy man who has some very important grandstanding to do. Read more on Astonishing! Ted Cruz Turns Out To Be A Thin-Skinned Whiner-Boy!…
  you're a loser baby

Immigration Reform Passes Senate By Wide Margin, Fails Senate By Narrow Margin

Everyone’s favorite Jewish grandmother, Chuck Schumer, has been banging on for a few weeks about how he wanted the Gang of Eight’s immigration reform bill to get 70 votes in the Senate. To which we say halavai, Chuck Schumer! But if your bill should only get 60 votes, that will have been sufficient to pass. Dayenu. We understand Chuck’s logic, which is that more Republican votes in the Senate will show the House that there is serious GOP interest in immigration reform, thus putting pressure on Boehner’s caucus to come up with something that the two chambers can reconcile. We just think this logic made more sense in, say, 1993, before the Gingrich Revolution paved the way for today’s state of affairs, where a febrile-brained group of jackholes will do pretty much nothing except vote to defund Obamacare 378 times every month and scream about bullshit scandals. Read more on Immigration Reform Passes Senate By Wide Margin, Fails Senate By Narrow Margin…
  Great Moments In Cowering

More Nice Time: Immigrant-Hating Iowa Rep. Steve King Terrified, Shamed By Polite Messican Children, Other Browns

What happens to a DREAMer deferred? Apparently, s/he and a bunch of friends show up at Rep. Steve King’s Capitol Hill office to shame him for being such a hateful, small, cowardly, xenophobic shitstain toward human beings who were born in other, browner countries. Of course, not being human himself, but rather a crusty, gross old shitstain, perhaps Steve King gets a pass on the whole “has not a shred of empathy” thing. Anyway, good on these kids—they got a Twitter response from King that we feel rates “Instant Classic!” Read more on More Nice Time: Immigrant-Hating Iowa Rep. Steve King Terrified, Shamed By Polite Messican Children, Other Browns…
  cowards

No Buttsechs For Gay Messicans After All

Recently, there has been lots of Nice Time! for our LGBT sisters and brothers. But hey, this kind of momentum can’t go on forever, and who better to put a stop to it than the House GOP  Senate GOP  Democratic Senators from red blue states. Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding? Our latest group of yellow-bellied, weasel-faced, backstabbing pieces of rat poop occupy four seats on the Judiciary Committee, where Sen. Leahy decided against offering his amendment to protect same-sex couples in the immigration reform bill because he didn’t have the support from his OWN GODDAM PARTY. This is basically like slapping the LGBT community in the face with Michelle Malkin’s sweaty nutsack. Who are these four spineless fucknuggets? Senators Al Franken, Dianne Feinstein, Dick Durbin, and Chuck Schumer are the backbone-missing goat-blowers who decided to bow down to the altar of Republican bigotry and offer up the LGBT community as their sacrifices to expediency. Read more on No Buttsechs For Gay Messicans After All…
  wonksplainer

But What About Gay Messicans?

DDM back to help splain some Congressional nitty-gritty-ness. There have been lots of happy nice times about our GLBTQMORELETTERS friends lately, because people around the country are finally looking around and saying, hey, these gay folks ain’t that bad! In fact, they seem almost like actual human beings, so maybe we could, you know, give them FUCKING RIGHTS. HashtagHappyEmoticon. But there is also happy nice time for teh gheyz on Capitol Hill.  As you may have heard, Congress is debating whether or not to allow Messicans to completely overrun the country and take away all our freedoms and spend all our tax monies on anchor babies, through immigration reform. As it turns out, apparently they’re talking about the ghey, as well. Sen. Leahy (D-Rainbows & Smiles) has filed two amendments to let same-sex couples be treated like human beings regarding immigration. The first, stronger one, allows an American in a bi-national same-sex couple to sponsor the non-American for immigration. For example, if an American lady falls in love with a woman here on a work visa (stealing a job from a real Merican), then this amendment would allow that love to flourish here in the U.S. of A., without deporting said foreigner. The second amendment is weaker – it would allow binational GLBTQMORELETTERS couples who are legally married under state law to sponsor for immigration, meaning only those married in the 11 happy happy states that allow gay marriage (and DC, dammit!! We count!!). Clearly, this has caused those on the right to froth like a rabid Paul Ryan (R-Biceps) without his Tiger Beat.  I mean, do these gays want ALL the same rights as straight people? There has to be a line somewhere. And on that line, we would like to build a giant fence, injeebusnamenowgohomeyouhomokthanksbye. But wait, DDM! I noticed that you said the nice SenatorMan “filed two amendments.” What does that mean? Some wonksplanation is needed! Read more on But What About Gay Messicans?…
  dept. of heroic political theater

Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something

Hello and welcome to “We must now do (name irrelevant thing) to prevent the next Boston Marathon tragedy” week here in America. Fresh from the fine American political tradition that brought you the Iraq War as a nationally-supported response to 9/11, Senators Chuck Schumer and Lindsey Graham are calling for — not war, as this is John McCain’s beat — immigration reform, to prevent the next terrorist attack on the United States. Sure, why not. Can Lindsey Graham explain how immigration reform will also prevent climate change and diabetes, too? Read more on Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something…
  fed the end

Congress And Ben Bernanke On Who’s In Charge Of Economy: One Two Three Not It!

Whose PROBLEM is this, you might be wondering, as you try desperately to save for your children’s college education, pay off your own student loans, keep up with the mortgage payments on a house worth less than what you owe on it, hope that you do not get sick, and contemplate a retirement age of around 80 (which, incidentally, is three years more than the average lifespan of American men and fourteen years longer than the average lifespan of African American men). Whose PROBLEM is this, you wonder, given that this lifestyle seems somewhere between impossible and unsustainable. The answer, of course, is that it is YOUR problem, DUH, seeing as government cannot create jobs and job creators simply do not want to create jobs. But soon, these years spent pinching pennies and praying for health will seem like some sort of golden age because it is about to get much worse, and everybody is under the impression that it is nobody’s job to do a damn thing about it. This is according to NBC news, which has brought us the appropriately titled article “Fed, Congress Fiddles as US Economy Stumbles.” (No, no one is actually playing a fiddle, and that is probably the most surprising thing in this article): Read more on Congress And Ben Bernanke On Who’s In Charge Of Economy: One Two Three Not It!…
  and i did not speak up

Grover Norquist: Why Are All These Democrat Nazis Holocausting Poor Billionaire Eduardo Saverin?

Poor Eduardo Saverin! All he wanted to do was renounce his American citizenship, coincidentally shortly before a big honkin’ tax bill came due from his Facebook public offering or something (we don’t know, it was all the news there was on Friday, which brought our cherished Internet to a dumb screeching halt). And then mean old New York Senator Chuck Schumer targeted him with the delightful Ex-PATRIOT Act, which would ding poor Mr. Severin for 30 percent of his income! That is double the rate that is supposed to be paid by the wealthy, as a reward for them creating your jobs. (You do all work in yacht sales, right? Or yacht construction, or yacht redecorating, or yacht skippering, or yacht insurance fraud?) And doubling the tax rate, so that it is equal to what your slob brother-in-law pays on his unemployment check? That is punishing them for their success! Everybody knows that! But did you also know it’s what the NAZIS did? That’s right, anti-tax hero Grover Norquist says this Ex-PATRIOT bill is the worst thing since the Holocaust, and we know six million Jews who would totally agree! Read more on Grover Norquist: Why Are All These Democrat Nazis Holocausting Poor Billionaire Eduardo Saverin?…
  needs more military options on the table

This ‘Punish That Cocksure Little Facebook Twerp’ Legislation Sounds Delightful

Uh oh, Chuck Schumer saw something in the papers the other day and is already legislating. What dumb caffeine product is it today? Gross candy alcohol caffeine or inhalable powder caffeine? Well look at that, it’s not even a funny consumer product at all — he’s going after Eduardo Saverin, the “good guy” from the Facebook movie who’s still so awful that he renounced his U.S. citizenship to live in tax- and regulation-free Singapore. Schumer, working with Bob Casey, didn’t quite name it the “Fuck That Awful Facebook Guy Act of 2012.” Instead, it’s the “Ex-Patriot Act,” which is still appropriately catty. This is a wonderful bill that will never pass! Read more on This ‘Punish That Cocksure Little Facebook Twerp’ Legislation Sounds Delightful…
  the jewish senator who saved christmas

Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts

How do you trick 61 U.S. Senators into hanging out for a few hours without an eruption of bloodshed? You promise them a mystery holiday treat! It works on children, so why not? A very mischievous Al Franken snuck in a new “Secret Santa clause” to the Senate’s bazillion page protocol in an effort to bring a late-breaking smidgen of friendly behavior to the fancier chamber of Congress before the end of Government for the year/forever, hooray! (Do not worry, though, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are still in the process of Ruining Everything with an acrimonious new deadlock over the payroll tax cut extension today.) So who got what (besides America, who gets nothing)??? Remember, kids, there’s a ten-dollar limit! Read more on Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts…
  give them an HBO special immediately

Senate Old Farts McCain And Schumer Hold Mad Comedy Duel

Uh-oh, why is John McCain insulting 9/11? Don’t tell us our favorite celebrity political couple John McCain and 9/11 have finally broken up! (Calm down, Lindsey Graham, that is not actually what happened.) No, John McCain jokingly insulted Long Island during a Senate debate by saying that it is “regrettably” part of America, and Chuck Schumer freaked out but could not think of one single nice thing about Long Island to say in its defense on Twitter except that there were people heroically inhabiting Long Island when 9/11 happened. This more or less proves the Walnuts point correct (hooray, he finally got one right after 19 million years in the Senate!), but no way did the fun stop there. Read more on Senate Old Farts McCain And Schumer Hold Mad Comedy Duel…
  expensive list-making

Lil’ Chucky Schumer Proposes Adorable ‘No-Ride List’ For the Choo-Choos

Sen. Charles Schumer said he would push as well for added funding for rail security and commuter and passenger train track inspections and more monitoring of stations nationwide. When most people see news about a potential terrorist attack, they get a little scared and take a bit of solace knowing their government is aware of it. When Chuck Schumer sees it, he sees a chance to stuff his state with more transportation funding. Read more on Lil’ Chucky Schumer Proposes Adorable ‘No-Ride List’ For the Choo-Choos…
  well i never

Flighty Lindsey Graham Decides To Let Immigration Reform Happen Again

Last year, Lindsey Graham decided to use his formal Ham Biscuit Veto, the constitutional provision that allows closeted senators to block any bill that offends their dainty self-importance, to stop immigration and climate-change reforms from happening, because he was so upset about the health care. But now Lindsey Graham has decided the immigration thing is allowed to happen again! Our grateful Mexicans thank this august man for changing his mind once again. Except because Graham’s party took the House and a number of seats in the Senate, it would appear immigration reform is about as likely to happen as Lindsey Graham’s millionaire boyfriend Shep Huntleigh is going to show up to whisk him away from the vile little Teabaggers. Read more on Flighty Lindsey Graham Decides To Let Immigration Reform Happen Again…