Wonkette

While Hillary Clinton remains hidden in a secret Polynesian island bunker, where she drinks single malt scotch and eats artichoke hearts prepared by a cadre of Gypsy slaves all day long, she is still somehow doing her job as a fake Senator. Today she, along with fellow New York Senator Chuck Schumer and some Congressman, introduced an act of legislation to name U.S. Route 20A — in Buffalo — the “Timothy J. Russert Highway.” Because Tim Russert would have done the same thing. MORE »

Democratic Senators Chuck Schumer (NY) and Dick Durbin (IL)–a Clinton and an Obama supporter, respectively–are what D.C. insiders call “roommates.” They sparred like Montagues and Capulets on Meet the Press yesterday, and in the end they admitted that Dick was the one who makes the bed back at home. At least the Republicans have the decency to conduct this sort of behavior in the privacy of their own public bathroom stalls. [Meet the Press]

High on the list of things I don’t in any way give a shit about is the use of steroids in baseball, or any other sport, or, really, sports at all — beyond having something look at when I’m sitting alone at a bar, and the bartender won’t talk to me anymore because I might have asked her something about carpet and/or drapes. It follows then, that I don’t think investigating the use of steroids or other “performance enhancing drugs” is a good use of Congress’ time or taxpayer dollars or C-SPAN airtime, or even the kilobytes required to store this post. MORE »

The bill seeking $1 million in funds for the Woodstock Museum — sponsored by New York Sens. Hillary Clinton and Chuck Shroomer — will not die and might be passed after all, just like a forever-burning, saliva-soaked, smelly joint. The Hill reports that some sneaky legislation removed a provision that would have cut funds for the museum. Awesome!
Door is left open for N.Y. ‘Hippie museum’ cash [The Hill]

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted to advance Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey to the Senate floor, where more Democrats will say “waterboarding is bad” and then probs vote for him. The vote was 11-8 after senators Chuck Schumer and Dianne Feinstein, the new Joey Liebs, supported the nomination. [CNN/AP]

Sen. Hillary Clinton’s pipe dream to fund a Woodstock museum in Bethel, New York wasn’t her pipe dream after all–it was Sen. Chuck Schumer’s! And now Chuck’s fucking pissed! According to Bob Novak, the idea to fund the project was mostly Schumer’s. Novak reported that Schumer was “seething” over being rejected by the Senate, and at Sen. Clinton for the lack of support and failing to show up on the Senate floor to defend the bill. Schumer denied there was any hard feelings. However, this could open us up to a strange new side of the man. Imagine, Sen. Chuck Schumer: Acid Head! MORE »

Sen. Hillary Clinton’s dream of using $1 million tax dollars for an upstate New York museum dedicated to Woodstock, the 1969 three-day event of bad acid, shitty sound systems and foul weather, was busted yesterday by evil white guys who never ever smoked pot. Clinton, along Sen. Chuck Schumer, couched the request for funds in a bill for labor and health programs. Obviously, that didn’t work so well. Republicans rejoice! MORE »

Chuck Schumer is very confident about his No Confidence bill. MORE »

* Reliable Source: Chuck Schumer still upset about getting a B in 1971 from Bill Bennett… The Sanchez sisters: funny! [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Would you like to learn a lot about the contents of the forthcoming Clinton smear-job (and FishbowlDC advertiser) The Clinton Crack-Up? Have we got a column for you! … Stephen Breyer will be on that funny NPR news quiz show. You know the one… If you misspell Khalid Sheikh Muhammad’s name, he will politely correct you and then take credit for the death of your childhood pets… Remember the dude who left the map to Rumsfeld’s house at a Starbucks? He’s now the “Strategic Media Advisor” at the Pentagon. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: Kerry continues to fuck with the dude who wants to be ambassador to Belgium for his donations to the Swift Boat guys… Dems are raising huge amounts fo money in case Tim Johnson vacates his seat. [WP]
* Rush & Molloy: Valerie Plame is canceling all her appearances because her publisher wants her to wait for the book to actually come out. [NYDN]

* Heard on the Hill: Folks who drank for free at Tuesday night’s Guinness-sponsored St Patrick’s Day party were cool, but if you tried to take the free cab home, you were in violation of House Ethics rules… Post reporter wanders onto House floor during first day on the job… Everyone loves Stevie Wonder… Senators are not very punctual, find it difficult to make it to the Capitol in time to vote. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Chuck Schumer’s “It’s Academic” team reunited. Breaking: Chuck Schumer was a tool in 1967 too… The BBC reported that some fake blog was actually written by Patrick Fitzgerald. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Rep. Dennis Rehberg admits to being illiterate… Thaddeus McCotter is holding a fundraiser tonight at the Chi-Cha Lounge so that he can smoke. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Sens. Clinton and Lott barely made it to the Senate in time for for the cloture vote in Iraq… Which Dem lawmaker’s leaked Dave Obey’s made-up info to the press? … José Serrano: funny guy! … Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger: 36th most liked member of congress… Wyclef loves Barry Obama. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Jean Schmidt slipped and fell on vomit in a Cannon bathroom. Laughing out loud, etc. etc. [Politico]
* Rush & Molloy: Senator Arnold Schwarzenegger? God save us all. [NYDN]

This week’s Wonk’d hits close to home, as everyone spotted looks spaced out and bitter. Laura Bush’s face lets George know that if she’s gonna be up early she better have a drink in her hand, and Dennis Kucinich may not need that particular poison, but he’s got his own way to relax. Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer party at South East’s most deluxe Chinese joint, George Stephanopoulos shows he has almost mastered the art of exchanging money for goods and services, and Andrew Sullivan pays for WiFi from The Man just to avoid being spotted at the free place down the street, and ends up here anyway. These aggravated big-shots and last week’s douchiness explained — if you can begrudge us another click.

MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: Joe Biden has a history of saying crazy, stupid stuff… Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.) thrilled to be mentioned by the blog of Bon Appetit magazine… Harry Reid forgot when Valentine’s Day is! [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Geraldine Ferraro’s back! With some lobbying firm. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Would you like to read the insane ramblings of consistently-wrong pundit Dick “Hillary Is a Lesbian Vampire” Morris? Here they are, enjoy… Creative Coalition party sounds like a good time. Frank Luntz called himself “the ugliest person in this room.” … Jim Talent’s back! Eatin’ some pizza, talkin’ about god. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Chuck Schumer has imaginary friends. They’re called the Baileys. Last year, they were called the O’Reillys. That’s “too ethnic,” apparently… Gerald Ford had way more nasty things to say about everyone that he didn’t want anyone to hear until he was dead. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: The DCCC is $9 million in debt. Nancy Pelosi spent $30k on her Holiday Party! [Politico]
* Page Six: Bill Clinton doesn’t want to be president of your stupid university. [NYP]
* The Sleuth: More Ford stuff: NYDN reporter got Ford drunk. It has some terrible secret from 1974. [WP]

The new Newsweek features an excerpt from New York Senior Senator Chuck Schumer’s book, Pay Attention to Meeeeee. In it, he offers a surefire method for Democrats to win the presidency in 2008, based on hard-earned lessons learned by running as a Democrat in a state that will probably not go Republican again in our lifetimes. Well, we think he offers such a method. We stopped paying attention after this paragraph: MORE »

In today’s “Heard on the Hill,” thrill to the terrifying tale of one Mississippi woman’s doomed correspondence with Senator Chuck Schumer, He-Who-Legislates-With-Ghosts! MORE »