Tag Archives: chuck schumer

  Mad About A Thing

NRA Dude Hopes Virginia Shooting Victims’ Parents Won’t Be Total Pussies About This

Same as it ever was.
He’s weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo. After last week’s horrific on-air murder of TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, many people immediately braced themselves for exactly what disgusting thing the NRA would have to say. At first, there were mostly tumbleweeds, but as the NRA is perhaps the most evil institution in all of America, it was only a matter of time! Here’s a disgusting, soulless, stomach-churning response from the NRA’s Colion Noir, who Media Matters reports is part of the NRA’s new campaign to make the organization look cool and hip and “Kids These Days,” as opposed to what it really is — a group of paranoid pants-shitting twats who really, truly don’t cry when your child dies. Read more on NRA Dude Hopes Virginia Shooting Victims’ Parents Won’t Be Total Pussies About This…
  But what about all the good guys with guns? Oh the mass shooter killed them too?

Amy Schumer Says Mass Shootings Somehow Involve Guns, Guess She Hates America

Not here to make jokes.
Last week, Sarah Clements, a gun control activist and daughter of a Sandy Hook survivor, wrote an open letter to Amy Schumer, asking her to step up and speak out to try to do SOMETHING about our uniquely American problem with mass shootings, after one of the Lone Wolves from the Lone Wolf Club murdered two innocent women and injured nine others at a screening of Schumer’s “Trainwreck” in Lafayette, Louisiana. Schumer saw the letter and responded on Twitter: Read more on Amy Schumer Says Mass Shootings Somehow Involve Guns, Guess She Hates America…
  Heroism Nice Time

Two WW I Heroes Finally American Enough To Receive Medals Of Honor They Earned

Ina has what Rachel Maddow would call a Muppet Smile there
Two heroes of World War I were finally recognized Tuesday by President Obama at the White House; the president presented the Medal of Honor posthumously to Private Henry Johnson and to Sergeant William Shemin, whose heroism in battle was impressive, but who were, respectively, too black and too Jewish to be awarded the nation’s highest military honor while they were still alive. We’re looking forward to the inevitable complaint from Bryan Fischer that the medals were feminized or something. Read more on Two WW I Heroes Finally American Enough To Receive Medals Of Honor They Earned…
  So Very Crude

Barack Obama To Murder Your Keystone XL Oil Pipeline With His Bare Hands

We're betting Barry could win a stare-off with Mitch, unless he starts giggling
This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spills, Fracking, Clean Coal, Dirty Lies, and Laying Pipe In keeping with his pledge to focus on “things that both sides can agree on,” brand new Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is promising that the very first bill to go before the Senate this week will mandate the building of the Keystone XL pipeline, that vitally important project that will employ everyone between Canada and Louisiana and ensure energy independence — and possibly even free gasoline — for the United States. Or maybe it’s a hugely disruptive project that will employ a few thousand people while it’s being built and will move Canadian oil across America so it can be refined in Gulf Coast refineries and then mostly exported. It’s definitely one of those, and the Republicans want it a lot, so now that they have a majority in both chambers of Congress, by god, they’re going to pass it. Read more on Barack Obama To Murder Your Keystone XL Oil Pipeline With His Bare Hands…
  cool story bro

Boehner And Schumer Engage In Twitter Slap Fight As American Dignity Swirls Further Down Toilet

We do so enjoy a little lighthearted, good-natured bicameral smack talk in Congress. Like this exchange between Speaker of the House John Boehner and this other guy, a cousin of very funny comedienne Amy Schumer who also happens to be a Senator. Read more on Boehner And Schumer Engage In Twitter Slap Fight As American Dignity Swirls Further Down Toilet…
  unnecessary sequels

Congress May Shut Down Government This Week. Again.

Congress is working on a plan.
Are you ready for Government Shutdown II: The Shutdownening? Because that might be where we’re heading if the sacks of uselessness that make up our Congress can’t put together a spending bill to keep the federal government operating past Thursday. Hooray for government by emergency. Read more on Congress May Shut Down Government This Week. Again….
  nice time!

Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base

Liz Warren, easy riding over the banks
The Huffington Post reports that popular populist Sen. Elizabeth Warren will assume a new leadership role in the rump Democratic caucus. She will be “crafting the party’s messaging and policy” in a “new position created specifically for her,” which is a notable departure from what happened the last time a position was created specifically for her and Richard Cordray filled it instead, how rude! Read more on Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base…
  No SS For The SS

Senate Dems To Old Nazis: No Social Security For You!

Metaphorical Nazis need not worry
This seems like a probably good idea: Sens. Chuck Schumer and Bob Casey plan to introduce legislation that would cut off Social Security benefits for accused Nazi war criminals. We weren’t actually aware that was a problem, but it turns out that “dozens” of former SS guards and other suspected war crimers continued to collect Social Security even after they were forced to leave the U.S., thanks to a loophole in immigration law that the Justice Department used to persuade them to get out of the country. Schumer and Casey want to end the payments, although at this point only four ex-Nazis are still living and collecting the benefits. Read more on Senate Dems To Old Nazis: No Social Security For You!…
  don't go away mad just go away

It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again

Mitt Romney, who just can’t take no for an answer and may need to be told no yet again, has apparently grown tired of pretending to be “severely conservative.” It didn’t work for him so well in 2012, when he ran on his platform of “Ew, the poors!” so it seems he’s plagiarizing a page from John McCain’s playbook by acting all mavericky and taking a position contrary to today’s Republican Party. (This is definitely a wise choice, given how well that worked for McCain in 2008, but shhhh, don’t tell Mitt.) “I, for instance, as you know, part company with many of the conservatives in my party on the issue of the minimum wage,” Romney said in a Friday appearance on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” “I think we ought to raise it. Because frankly, our party is all about more jobs and better pay.” Oooooh! Ahhhhh! So brave. So bold. So principled. Let us take a moment to admire Mitt for having the courage to defiantly defy his party so defiantly by standing up for what he so frankly believes in. Okay, moment’s over: It didn’t get much notice amid the buildup to Super Tuesday. But after conservative outcry over his support for raising the minimum wage, Mitt Romney quietly reversed his position this week. “There’s probably not a need to raise the minimum wage,” the Republican front-runner told CNBC’s Larry Kudlow on Monday. Now let’s take a moment to roll our eyes at forever flip-flopping Mitt because OF COURSE. Read more on It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  no one saw it coming

Astonishing! Ted Cruz Turns Out To Be A Thin-Skinned Whiner-Boy!

Here is Andrea Mitchell recalling a little run-in that she had last spring with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Poutine). Mitchell was on the Morning Joe gabfest yesterday, and said that Cruz appeared to be far more interested in pursuing his Presidential Destiny (as prophesized by his father), instead of making nice, being Senatorial, or passing laws: “Ted Cruz’s strategy is that he wants to be either a presidential nominee or part of the presidential process,” Mitchell said. “He has no strategy to get along and make friends and produce legislation in the Senate.” You would think that someone who wants to be preznit would know that Friendship is Magic, but that is apparently just not on Ted’s agenda, thank you very much, he is a busy man who has some very important grandstanding to do. Read more on Astonishing! Ted Cruz Turns Out To Be A Thin-Skinned Whiner-Boy!…
  you're a loser baby

Immigration Reform Passes Senate By Wide Margin, Fails Senate By Narrow Margin

Everyone’s favorite Jewish grandmother, Chuck Schumer, has been banging on for a few weeks about how he wanted the Gang of Eight’s immigration reform bill to get 70 votes in the Senate. To which we say halavai, Chuck Schumer! But if your bill should only get 60 votes, that will have been sufficient to pass. Dayenu. We understand Chuck’s logic, which is that more Republican votes in the Senate will show the House that there is serious GOP interest in immigration reform, thus putting pressure on Boehner’s caucus to come up with something that the two chambers can reconcile. We just think this logic made more sense in, say, 1993, before the Gingrich Revolution paved the way for today’s state of affairs, where a febrile-brained group of jackholes will do pretty much nothing except vote to defund Obamacare 378 times every month and scream about bullshit scandals. Read more on Immigration Reform Passes Senate By Wide Margin, Fails Senate By Narrow Margin…
  Great Moments In Cowering

More Nice Time: Immigrant-Hating Iowa Rep. Steve King Terrified, Shamed By Polite Messican Children, Other Browns

What happens to a DREAMer deferred? Apparently, s/he and a bunch of friends show up at Rep. Steve King’s Capitol Hill office to shame him for being such a hateful, small, cowardly, xenophobic shitstain toward human beings who were born in other, browner countries. Of course, not being human himself, but rather a crusty, gross old shitstain, perhaps Steve King gets a pass on the whole “has not a shred of empathy” thing. Anyway, good on these kids—they got a Twitter response from King that we feel rates “Instant Classic!” Read more on More Nice Time: Immigrant-Hating Iowa Rep. Steve King Terrified, Shamed By Polite Messican Children, Other Browns…

No Buttsechs For Gay Messicans After All

Recently, there has been lots of Nice Time! for our LGBT sisters and brothers. But hey, this kind of momentum can’t go on forever, and who better to put a stop to it than the House GOP  Senate GOP  Democratic Senators from red blue states. Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding? Our latest group of yellow-bellied, weasel-faced, backstabbing pieces of rat poop occupy four seats on the Judiciary Committee, where Sen. Leahy decided against offering his amendment to protect same-sex couples in the immigration reform bill because he didn’t have the support from his OWN GODDAM PARTY. This is basically like slapping the LGBT community in the face with Michelle Malkin’s sweaty nutsack. Who are these four spineless fucknuggets? Senators Al Franken, Dianne Feinstein, Dick Durbin, and Chuck Schumer are the backbone-missing goat-blowers who decided to bow down to the altar of Republican bigotry and offer up the LGBT community as their sacrifices to expediency. Read more on No Buttsechs For Gay Messicans After All…

But What About Gay Messicans?

DDM back to help splain some Congressional nitty-gritty-ness. There have been lots of happy nice times about our GLBTQMORELETTERS friends lately, because people around the country are finally looking around and saying, hey, these gay folks ain’t that bad! In fact, they seem almost like actual human beings, so maybe we could, you know, give them FUCKING RIGHTS. HashtagHappyEmoticon. But there is also happy nice time for teh gheyz on Capitol Hill.  As you may have heard, Congress is debating whether or not to allow Messicans to completely overrun the country and take away all our freedoms and spend all our tax monies on anchor babies, through immigration reform. As it turns out, apparently they’re talking about the ghey, as well. Sen. Leahy (D-Rainbows & Smiles) has filed two amendments to let same-sex couples be treated like human beings regarding immigration. The first, stronger one, allows an American in a bi-national same-sex couple to sponsor the non-American for immigration. For example, if an American lady falls in love with a woman here on a work visa (stealing a job from a real Merican), then this amendment would allow that love to flourish here in the U.S. of A., without deporting said foreigner. The second amendment is weaker – it would allow binational GLBTQMORELETTERS couples who are legally married under state law to sponsor for immigration, meaning only those married in the 11 happy happy states that allow gay marriage (and DC, dammit!! We count!!). Clearly, this has caused those on the right to froth like a rabid Paul Ryan (R-Biceps) without his Tiger Beat.  I mean, do these gays want ALL the same rights as straight people? There has to be a line somewhere. And on that line, we would like to build a giant fence, injeebusnamenowgohomeyouhomokthanksbye. But wait, DDM! I noticed that you said the nice SenatorMan “filed two amendments.” What does that mean? Some wonksplanation is needed! Read more on But What About Gay Messicans?…
  dept. of heroic political theater

Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something

Hello and welcome to “We must now do (name irrelevant thing) to prevent the next Boston Marathon tragedy” week here in America. Fresh from the fine American political tradition that brought you the Iraq War as a nationally-supported response to 9/11, Senators Chuck Schumer and Lindsey Graham are calling for — not war, as this is John McCain’s beat — immigration reform, to prevent the next terrorist attack on the United States. Sure, why not. Can Lindsey Graham explain how immigration reform will also prevent climate change and diabetes, too? Read more on Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something…