Tag Archives: chuck norris

  american taliban

Creationist & Serial Plagiarist Chuck Norris Shares Insights On ‘A Proper Education’

Remember how last week we all got a little teary-eyed at the courage of Malala Yousafzai, who survived being shot in the head last fall by extremists who don’t want Pakistani girls to go to school, and who addressed the United Nations last week and talked about the importance of education, and its power to defeat extremism? Pretty inspiring, huh? Well, as they say, you know who else found Malala inspiring? Chuck Norris. Action movie star, creationist, and content producer for the internet’s largest repository of idiot conspiracy theories, WND. Chuck Norris admires Malala for her stand for education. To her credit, Malala Yousafzai didn’t even cringe at the thought. Read more on Creationist & Serial Plagiarist Chuck Norris Shares Insights On ‘A Proper Education’…
  mansplaining

Spring Break With Chuck Norris Sounds About As Lame As You Would Expect

Ever wonder what former action star and depressing self-parody Chuck Norris does on his time off (besides facelifts and hormone injections to keep the dreaded steroid induced “bitch tits” away)? Well as it turns out the meme-tastic actor is wasting time on the internet just like you! Although he is spacing out his fapping sessions with some bloggin’ for the hip folks over at World Net Daily. But what is bothering Chuck these days as he sits in his crusty Lululemons? Why, it’s our nation of young fanciful strumpets who are mindlessly streaming across the border to have tequila-fueled sex with Norris’ gardner, unaware of the danger that they now face. Luckily for these sluts, Chuck Norris is here to provide a roundhouse kick of truth to their cooters in his latest post all about telling women how not to get raped. Read more on Spring Break With Chuck Norris Sounds About As Lame As You Would Expect…
  douches of liberty

Your Monday Wisconsin Recall Round-Up: Bambi’s Mom Wants You To Vote Scott Walker

Oh, whoops, did Your Wonkette just get itself “targeted” by DHS? Well, IT IS WORTH IT, to bring you these important stories from the nation’s cheese factory, the late great state of Wisconsin. First up! Chuck Norris sees your Bill Clinton, raises you a Chuck Norris! Wisconsin Democrats, Washington elite and insiders, and liberal special interests have joined together to fight for the recall of Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin in Tuesday’s election. But last Friday, when I saw them also send in the big guns, former President Bill Clinton himself, against Gov. Walker, I knew I had to enter the ring, too. But will he fight Bill Clinton with mixed martial arts, or with the power of his self-regard? Read more on Your Monday Wisconsin Recall Round-Up: Bambi’s Mom Wants You To Vote Scott Walker…
  government teats

Chuck Norris Has Had It Up to Here With Wastrel Layabout Obama Voters on Teevee Program ‘Judge Judy’

Do you know who is to blame for the lazy shiftless blah man being sued by his ex-girlfriend for being a wastrel and a layabout? We will give you one hint: It is President Foodstamps, Barack Obama. This man gets $22,000 a year from the feds to pay his college tuition (although Chuck Norris would like to remind you the man seems terribly uneducated, and probably can’t even cut and paste columns for rightwing nutjob websites), and he gets unemployment monies “earmarked” for rent? (We were not aware of that unemployment program, but apparently Minnesota is awesome.) And he is a total cad, which you can watch for yourself, as it is true. But really, isn’t it true of all Obama voters, Chuck Norris? Yes, it is true of all Obama voters. Read more on Chuck Norris Has Had It Up to Here With Wastrel Layabout Obama Voters on Teevee Program ‘Judge Judy’…
  hi-ya!

Noted Economist Chuck Norris Explains Obama’s ‘Schemes’ To Double Gas Prices

LISTEN UP PANSIES! WingNutDaily star columnist and ultimate macho Chuck Norris would like you to know a few things! President Barack Obama’s energy plan involves radically increasing gas prices to the European rate of $9-10 a gallon. And he’s well on his way by more than doubling prices at the pump since entering office in January 2009, when gasoline was only $1.79 per gallon. Here’s how he schemes to double prices again in his second term, with you footing the bill. Read more on Noted Economist Chuck Norris Explains Obama’s ‘Schemes’ To Double Gas Prices…
  this guy again

Chuck Norris Discovers UN Plot to Steal His Pistols Inside Gun Statue

Crusty paranoid sad sack Chuck Norris has uncovered evidence that the United Nations is actively plotting to break into his anger cave and boost his vast library of murder weapons (haha, get it?) in the form of Swedish artist Carl Fredrick Reutersward’s anti-violence sculpture of a .38 pistol tied in a knot, which is located at the UN headquarters. What kind of hot washed up action star voodoo did Chuck Norris have to visit on this statue to find this scandalous information? Did he roundhouse kick its sorry nuts off? Did he sodomize it with the Constitution? No! He just “looked at it.” BOO! Probably this is not even Chuck Norris, and just his pastor writing his rants again. Regardless, POLITICO for some unimaginably asinine reason decided to air his fever dreams in their op-ed space. Are they starting a comedy section? Read more on Chuck Norris Discovers UN Plot to Steal His Pistols Inside Gun Statue…
  standing his plagiarist ground

Chuck Norris Puts Out New Column; It Plagiarizes His Old Column

Chuck Norris has apparently weathered the revelation that his lazy conservative column is strung together by his “pastor” from a series of plagiarized passages of other people’s writing. That’s not surprising; it’s not like the kind of places his op-eds are syndicated care about truth or intellectual honesty or anything like that. But you’d at least expect him to be a little more careful about plagiarism. Not so! In fact, the kicking legend has gotten even more brazen! For his first column after the plagiarism revelation, Norris (/the pastor guy) lifts a whole section out of one of his own previous Chuck Norris columns. Read more on Chuck Norris Puts Out New Column; It Plagiarizes His Old Column…
  the real delta force

Chuck Norris’ ‘Pastor’ Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns

Since your Wonkette cracked the case on Chuck Norris’ hilariously poorly veiled plagiarism in his columns, the professional kicker’s people have refused to talk to us, and his syndicate, which still feautures Norris on its website, has refused multiple requests for comment. Yes, the man whose entire public persona is based on kicking people’s faces off is afraid of some dumb political joke blog. Creators Syndicate has since edited Norris’ most recent column to at least credit the news sources from which whole sentences were lifted, but they have yet to take action on the new instances of plagiarism we found yesterday; those articles remain unchanged on Creators’ website. Also, this should probably come as no surprise, but Norris doesn’t even write these columns, from what we’ve found. They appear to be penned by a man who works for him, Todd DuBord, who is known as “Chuck Norris’ pastor.” Read more on Chuck Norris’ ‘Pastor’ Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns…
  his sensei cannot be proud

Chuck Norris Commits Plagiarism In His Column All the Time

Yesterday, we were writing a joke about Chuck Norris copy-and-pasting other people’s “information” into his column when we realized, yes, this is probably exactly what he did. We checked, and, what do you know, he did plagiarize parts of that op-ed. Is it surprising the man who’s responsible for stuff like this isn’t exactly intellectually honest? No. But it is rather surprising he got this by Creators Syndicate, which, despite the man being known for kicking rather than rousing political commentary, manages to place his column in actual newspapers and also crappy conservative websites like WoldNetDaily, Townhall, NewsBusters, the American Family Association, and Human Events. And it’s even more surprising considering Chuck Norris plagiarizes in his column hilariously often, according to today’s WONKETTE INVESTIGATION. Read more on Chuck Norris Commits Plagiarism In His Column All the Time…
  intellectual dishonesty among those who kick

Chuck Norris Plagiarizes Hatred of Muslims

Like the time he single-handedly saved the Boy Scouts from Barack Obama’s indifference, Chuck Norris only latches onto a conservative cause when they’re facing dire straits and need somebody who can kick his way out of them. And now, nearly a decade after 9/11, the time has come for him to make one last stand against the existence of Muslim Americans. “I welcome the plurality of religions in America and am a firm believer in the First Amendment,” Norris writes. “And let me categorically restate that I’m neither an Islamaphobe nor a fear monger.” That’s interesting, because his column is entirely about being afraid of Muslims and trying to help others become afraid of Muslims. How much work has Norris put into this? He just plagiarized some stuff, basically. Read more on Chuck Norris Plagiarizes Hatred of Muslims…
  i kick asians for a reason

Chuck Norris: Liberal Propaganda In Schools Causing Kids To Not Hate Gays

Why should liberals want to change the public educational system when it is turning out the product they have been striving for years to produce? Check out these real news headlines from the past several weeks and months about the state of U.S. public education across the country: Read more on Chuck Norris: Liberal Propaganda In Schools Causing Kids To Not Hate Gays…
  the chuck norris op-ed lever

Chuck Norris: Atheist National Park Service Sullying Founding Fathers

Chuck Norris has a personal pastor for all of his various organization, because, well, karate needs pastors, of course. But when that pastor visited Independence Hall in Philadelphia to learn about the religion of our nation’s founding fathers, he instead was led on a tour by a guide who, rudely, only talked about the Constitution and forming a republic and the Liberty Bell and such. But doesn’t the National Park Service, which oversees the historic site, know that Christianity is the most important aspect of everything that is good in the world, such as white men like the founding fathers? Sounds like those pine-tree jockeys need some sense uppercutted into them. Read more on Chuck Norris: Atheist National Park Service Sullying Founding Fathers…
  nice crack

Chuck Norris’ Money Priest Restores Christianity to Liberty Bell

As you know, Chuck Norris is so holy he needs a personal chaplain to keep himself bathed in the divine light of Jesus Christ/Charlton Heston at all times. But this pastor, Todd DuBord, also has another hobby: crusading for the rights of our nation’s Liberty Beaus to be retroactively Christianized: Read more on Chuck Norris’ Money Priest Restores Christianity to Liberty Bell…
  whoops wrong choice you died

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: Chuck Norris Says Jan Brewer Is ‘Tougher’ Than Him

“Meanwhile back at the farm, or on the border, lone ranger Gov. Brewer commendably and courageously continues to lead a battalion of border-protection officials, on the one hand fighting the feds with state politicians and attorneys, and on the other hand fighting illegals with border agents, sheriffs and other law enforcement. What a job, huh? Does anyone think she endures those hardships merely for a paycheck? Hardly. Rather, that’s pure, unadulterated patriotism.” Click here to read the rest of this dumb Chuck Norris editorial. Click here to be disappointed that Antonin Scalia wasn’t hurt after he tripped and fell on the pavement in Rhode Island yesterday. Click here to see Justin Bieber get hit in the head by a flying water bottle. [WND/Daily Intel/YouTube] Read more on CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: Chuck Norris Says Jan Brewer Is ‘Tougher’ Than Him…
  how convienient

Obama Going On ‘The View’ Instead of Going To Boy Scout Thing

President Barack Obama will do just about anything to avoid his most important duties in office, which involve, as Chuck Norris pointed out, doing Boy Scout stuff. The latest chapter in Obama’s conspiracy against America’s boy industry is that he’s now blaming his absence at this year’s Jamboree on a scheduling conflict: He is taping The View on Wednesday. Why does Obama continue to disrespect our brave children in uniform? Read more on Obama Going On ‘The View’ Instead of Going To Boy Scout Thing…
  internet joke

Chuck Norris Is Hot On the Trail of Obama’s Boy Scout Conspiracy

Martial artist and famed Mike Huckabee supporter Chuck Norris has some sort of column on WorldNetDaily, and in the past few weeks he has exposed Barack Obama’s secret hatred of the Boy Scouts. Obama, you see, refuses to acknowledge the Boy Scouts, who are apparently very important in public policy and global affairs, and he also refuses to attend their anniversary jamboree thing. BUT THAT IS JUST THE TIP OF ICEBERG. Read more on Chuck Norris Is Hot On the Trail of Obama’s Boy Scout Conspiracy…