chuck norris

Remember how last week we all got a little teary-eyed at the courage of Malala Yousafzai, who survived being shot in the head last fall by extremists who don’t want Pakistani girls to go to school, and who addressed the United Nations last week and talked about the importance of education, and its power to […]

Ever wonder what former action star and depressing self-parody Chuck Norris does on his time off (besides facelifts and hormone injections to keep the dreaded steroid induced “bitch tits” away)? Well as it turns out the meme-tastic actor is wasting time on the internet just like you! Although he is spacing out his fapping sessions […]

Oh, whoops, did Your Wonkette just get itself “targeted” by DHS? Well, IT IS WORTH IT, to bring you these important stories from the nation’s cheese factory, the late great state of Wisconsin. First up! Chuck Norris sees your Bill Clinton, raises you a Chuck Norris! Wisconsin Democrats, Washington elite and insiders, and liberal special […]

Do you know who is to blame for the lazy shiftless blah man being sued by his ex-girlfriend for being a wastrel and a layabout? We will give you one hint: It is President Foodstamps, Barack Obama. This man gets $22,000 a year from the feds to pay his college tuition (although Chuck Norris would […]

LISTEN UP PANSIES! WingNutDaily star columnist and ultimate macho Chuck Norris would like you to know a few things! President Barack Obama’s energy plan involves radically increasing gas prices to the European rate of $9-10 a gallon. And he’s well on his way by more than doubling prices at the pump since entering office in […]

Crusty paranoid sad sack Chuck Norris has uncovered evidence that the United Nations is actively plotting to break into his anger cave and boost his vast library of murder weapons (haha, get it?) in the form of Swedish artist Carl Fredrick Reutersward’s anti-violence sculpture of a .38 pistol tied in a knot, which is located at […]

Chuck Norris has apparently weathered the revelation that his lazy conservative column is strung together by his “pastor” from a series of plagiarized passages of other people’s writing. That’s not surprising; it’s not like the kind of places his op-eds are syndicated care about truth or intellectual honesty or anything like that. But you’d at […]

Since your Wonkette cracked the case on Chuck Norris’ hilariously poorly veiled plagiarism in his columns, the professional kicker’s people have refused to talk to us, and his syndicate, which still feautures Norris on its website, has refused multiple requests for comment. Yes, the man whose entire public persona is based on kicking people’s faces […]

Yesterday, we were writing a joke about Chuck Norris copy-and-pasting other people’s “information” into his column when we realized, yes, this is probably exactly what he did. We checked, and, what do you know, he did plagiarize parts of that op-ed. Is it surprising the man who’s responsible for stuff like this isn’t exactly intellectually […]

Like the time he single-handedly saved the Boy Scouts from Barack Obama’s indifference, Chuck Norris only latches onto a conservative cause when they’re facing dire straits and need somebody who can kick his way out of them. And now, nearly a decade after 9/11, the time has come for him to make one last stand […]

Why should liberals want to change the public educational system when it is turning out the product they have been striving for years to produce? Check out these real news headlines from the past several weeks and months about the state of U.S. public education across the country: “U.S. teachers tell U.N. sex is a […]

Chuck Norris has a personal pastor for all of his various organization, because, well, karate needs pastors, of course. But when that pastor visited Independence Hall in Philadelphia to learn about the religion of our nation’s founding fathers, he instead was led on a tour by a guide who, rudely, only talked about the Constitution […]

As you know, Chuck Norris is so holy he needs a personal chaplain to keep himself bathed in the divine light of Jesus Christ/Charlton Heston at all times. But this pastor, Todd DuBord, also has another hobby: crusading for the rights of our nation’s Liberty Beaus to be retroactively Christianized: A Christian chaplain has written […]

“Meanwhile back at the farm, or on the border, lone ranger Gov. Brewer commendably and courageously continues to lead a battalion of border-protection officials, on the one hand fighting the feds with state politicians and attorneys, and on the other hand fighting illegals with border agents, sheriffs and other law enforcement. What a job, huh? […]

President Barack Obama will do just about anything to avoid his most important duties in office, which involve, as Chuck Norris pointed out, doing Boy Scout stuff. The latest chapter in Obama’s conspiracy against America’s boy industry is that he’s now blaming his absence at this year’s Jamboree on a scheduling conflict: He is taping […]