Wonkette

Karate movie star Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee’s most effective supporter in his useless presidential campaign, is the target of terrible teenage violence in New Jersey: “Just as I was turning away (again) in disgust from America’s awry juvenile daily news, I found myself a constituent of it, when two New Jersey teens were arrested after a teacher found a ‘hit list’ that contained my name.” Someone needs to save him before the rascals pour Mountain Dew on his straw-man effigy and burn it with Xbox Fire! [World Net Daily]

As they enter year six of John McCain’s thousand-year battle for Mesopotamia, American and Iraqi troops have wearied of worshiping the same old “Jesus” and “Allah.” They’re in the mood for something new…different…mustachioed! And fortunately, one cult figure is fresh off the Biggest Republican Loser campaign trail and ready for duty. MORE »

Because of c-list movie star and Internet urban legend Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee won the Iowa Republican Caucus and still has some vague shot at becoming President of the United States of America. Since Chuck is Mike Huckabee’s closest adviser, should we be surprised that a Chuck Norris boycott blog finally launched today? YES! Who cares if he makes Huckabee likable among 37-year-old hobos in Cedar Rapids that own a VHS copy of Sidekicks — HE IS CHUCK NORRIS! MORE »

Mike Huckabee and President Chuck Norris, oh them two boys are planning the party of the century on January 20! Held from the Lone Wolf Ranch — THAT’S CHUCK’S HOUSE — The “Texas Style Barbecue” will feature Huckabee’s band, the Capitol Offense (not funny but whatever!), and a martial arts demonstration from Chuck! MORE »

If Mike’s courtship of Iowans is nearly as effective as his courtship of Chuck Norris obviously was, Romney’s got a touch fight ahead of himself. When even the hyper-masculine Chuck can’t resist Mike’s limpid brown eyes, his soft jowls and his dreamy little smiles, how will those Iowa voters escape his clutches?

Chuck Norris doesn’t like when people mess with his friends, man. And he is sick, man, just sick of how we are all raggin’ on Mike’s son, David. It’s dirty politics, and Chuck Norris doesn’t play politics. He just kicks some ass.

No silly, we don’t care if you think he looks like Kevin Spacey. We care what you think in toto about the surging ex-Fatty McFatterson. The man is a complete mindfuck! Tell us what to think before we die of confusion disease! MORE »

Mike Huckabee’s plan to send Hillary Clinton to Mars has put him atop another poll in Iowa, where the elections for student class president of Republica will take place one month from today. He leads Mitt “Sanctuary Mansion” Romney 29% to 24% in the new Des Moines Register poll, with Rudy “Sanctuary 9/11″ Giuliani at 13% and Fred “Sanctuary Dipshit McGoo” Thompson at 9%. But why is this Huckabee surging so much nowadays, beyond the fact that he’s skinny and people are finally acknowledging that? Wait — Is it actually this Chuck Norris endorsement? Is this ninja-ranger man really making teh Huckbeez teh likable? MORE »

In this week’s Huckabee ad we learned a few things about Chuck Norris. For example, we learned that he doesn’t have a chin under his beard, but rather another fist. We also learned he can move the earth when he does push-ups. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. According to Page Six, The Truth About Chuck Norris hits bookstores next week and is loaded with Norris Nuggets. Oh yes, Christmas comes early this year! MORE »

Your crazy Mike Huckabee endorsement of the day: “Republican Mike Huckabee on Thursday gained the endorsement of conservative activist Donald Wildmon, who has led national boycotts against corporations over social policies and once accused Mighty Mouse of teaching children to snort cocaine.” [AP/Yahoo]