Wonkette

As we wait for the wicked nasty response ad about Rezko and Ayers that the McCain team is surely splicing together right now, let’s “read” some tea leaves: “CHICAGO - Barack Obama says he’s decided on a running mate, but he won’t say who. The Democratic presidential candidate told USA Today on Thursday that he went with someone who is independent and would challenge him in the White House. He also said he wanted someone who is prepared to be president and would help him strengthen the economy.” He’s so weird. Why would anyone want a vice president that would “challenge” him? Sounds like a pain in the rear. But that aside, this obviously changes everything we ever knew about the veepstakes and really everything else too. MORE »

Thank you to Wonkette pamphlet operative “Taylor” for sending us this fantastic brochure from the Minneapolis Saint Paul 2008 Host Committee about the exciting upcoming convention. How rad will it be? Well if this pamphlet is any indication, John McCain will enter the arena with his seven children and two wives on a War Elephant — decorated in gold, rubies and fine silks — carrying the Sword of Gryffindor in one hand and the dripping, severed head of Chuck Hagel in the other; he won’t even have to speak because everyone will just be cold goin’ nuts at the sight of this. MORE »

Someday soon-ish, Barack Obama will have to pick a running mate. Alas, it has been many moons since a celestial human born without Sin walked among us, so Our Barry is forced to pull his vice president from a pool of reprobates, losers, and women who are too attractive to be paired with such a handsome man. Seriously! Join us on our tour of three prospective candidates who will never ever be vice president. MORE »

Whoa, hey, is that a blurry picture of the famous secret diplomat, Joe Wilson? It is! What’s he up to, these days? Well, if you believe our tipster “Sal,” Wilson can be found these days campaigning for Hillary in tiny little towns, so that his wife can remain undercover. Join us for a super special weeks-late Wonk’d with appearances by Jim Webb, Chuck Hagel, Wonder Woman, Wolf Blitzer, Donald and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld, Tom Ridge, Rob Lowe, Andrew Sullivan, Larry Craig and the always fetching Elizabeth Kucinich … after the jump!

MORE »

AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK, ABROAD: “Helicopters carrying three senior U.S. senators made emergency landings Thursday in the mountains of Afghanistan because of a snowstorm.” Good sweet Jesus Christ God, how is America going to survive — we lost Joe Biden, John Kerry and Chuck Hagel to the ancient snows of the barren hinterland and its devilish tundra camels. Fortunately, Barack Obama FLEW LIKE SUPERMAN to this valley of ice monsters, swooped the foppish Senators away and whisked them to safe harbor. Again: Barack Obama has saved three senators from Taliban Bigfoot. [AP/Breitbart]

A bunch of wild-eyed idealists formed Unity08 to get Mike Bloomberg to run for president which he’s supposedly been ramping up to do for months anyway and somehow still hasn’t yet managed to pull off. The group behind the site is having a meeting next week which Bloomberg and his pal Chuck Hagel will attend to talk about the importance of bipartisanship, which, come on guys, is pretty fucking lame. The whole idea of the Unity08 thing is to build a network of people fed up with two-party gridlock and influence of money, blah bah blah, and then “recruit” an independent centrist candidate who also happens to be a billionaire so that he’s not beholden to any interest groups or whatever and create a benevolent consensus government. The two problems with those ideas right off the bat are (1) bipartisanship and (2) billionaire. MORE »

Retiring, anti-war Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel said in a speech yesterday that “this is one of the most arrogant, incompetent administrations I’ve ever seen or ever read about.” And he had just been seeing or reading about every administration on YouTube or Wikipedia! [WP]

That’s Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska in his budget Halloween costume of Joe Biden in Congress today. Biden may respond in suit by dressing up as a Disgraced Anti-War Republican. [AP]

* After seven years of relentless fuckups, the Pentagon isn’t at all hesitant to follow though on any of its terrible ideas. [Raw Story]
* Dennis Kucinich is a secret Syrian agent. [Hot Air]
* PPetraeus wrote his own testimony, except for all the parts the White House wrote. [Think Progress]
* Breathless liveblogging of the most predictable non-event since John Kerry. [Michelle Malkin]
* Polls can be used to accurately predict the outcome of an election years ahead of time. [Liberal Avenger]
* If Fred Thompson actually wins the Republican nomination, we don’t know. We just don’t know what we say about that. [Political Wire]
* Chuck Hagel is haunted. [Election Central]

Nebraska Senator and cranky old anti-war Republican Chuck Hagel has finally made that big announcement he promised us months ago. Turns out that instead of running for President he’s going to make good on his term limit promise and retire from electoral politics forever or until he gets bored and decides to run for something again in a couple years. This leaves the Senate in utter disarray with only Senators Grassley and Schumer representing the all-important “Chuck” constituency. MORE »