Tag Archives: chuck hagel

  my fellow kenyan impostor wussy dictators

Extra Extra! Get Your 2015 Barack Obama State Of The Union Liveblog Here!

There he goes murdering jobs and the oil industry again
It’s that time of year again: when your wussy liberal islamocommunofascist pals gather round the Wonkette hearth and trade googly-heart-eyes for “President” Barack (“Mom”) Obama. Will he announce Obamaphones for some and FEMA camps for the rest? Here’s fucking hoping. Read more on Extra Extra! Get Your 2015 Barack Obama State Of The Union Liveblog Here!…
  sucks to be you

Obama Taps Some Nerd To Babysit Wars For Next Two Years

Some guy, who knows?
Ever since the White House told Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel to GTFO, pretty much every potential replacement for the job has been busy shouting “Not it!” Because really, what sane person would want the thankless job of overseeing our various international clusterfucks? After, that is, undergoing what would inevitably be an excruciating confirmation process with the soon-to-be Republican-controlled Senate, who will oppose anyone nominated by Obama because ugh, Obama. Heck, even the Senate Republicans were none too thrilled when the president nominated Chuck Hagel, who had been one of them because ugh, Obama. Read more on Obama Taps Some Nerd To Babysit Wars For Next Two Years…
  texas is not a ally

Texas Gay National Guard Members Get The Shaft, But Not In Good Way

You know that drunk uncle who arrives at your Thanksgiving meals to complain about how the messicans and my-NOR-AH-ties and homosessuals are ruining America, which was founded by White Manly Jesus on White Christian Values? If that uncle were a state, he would be Texas, the embarrassing wrinkly scrotum-skin of America, smelling like an odd mixture of crankcase oil and bigotry. In their latest attempt to treat the LGBTQMORELETTERS community as separate and unequal, the Texas National Guard is refusing to process military housing allowances for same-sex couples. We just gotta ask: Texas, why do you hate the military? Why do you hate America? Why are you untying the yellow ribbon from the ole oak tree? Why do you suck so hard on that penis, the one that is in your mouth?  Read more on Texas Gay National Guard Members Get The Shaft, But Not In Good Way…
  rainbow nice time

Defense Secretary Hagel Rams Gay Servicemember Benefits Down National Guard’s Throats

Happy Gayvember, everyone! How is the Pentagon defying G_d today? Per Stars and Stripes: Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel on Thursday sharply criticized U.S. states that are defying the Pentagon by refusing to allow National Guard facilities to issue ID cards that enable same-sex spouses of military members to claim benefits. “This is wrong,” Hagel said in a speech in New York. Hooray for Nice Time! Let’s see how this is gonna get resolved.  Read more on Defense Secretary Hagel Rams Gay Servicemember Benefits Down National Guard’s Throats…
  everything turning up rainbows for gaymerica

Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers

Gays have it so easy, man. They can marry in 13 states, people – THIRTEEN! That’s as many as were originally in America when Jesus walked across the Atlantic Ocean to found this nation! And they can serve openly in the military, no longer having to fear being outed as they risk their lives in bullshit wars that we fought ’cause of daddy issues. But it seems that the gays are never satisfied, and keep wrangling for special benefits because they are so privileged. Well, one brave senator is sick and tired of all the special benefits that the LGBTQMORELETTERS community continue to get in America, and he is not going to take it anymore! Per ThinkProgress: Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) blasted a proposed Pentagon policy aimed at giving same-sex couples the time to travel to states where they can legally marry on Thursday. YES! Anger at the military for policies about teh gheys!! This is just the kind of outreach envisioned after a crushing 2012 electoral defeat where 95% of gays voted for that effeminate Obama character! Let’s gaysplore what has Inhofe’s panties in a totally-not-gay wad.   Read more on Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers…
  journalism means never having to say you're sorry

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Stands By His Story On Terror Group That Does Not Exist

Andrew Breitbart would be rolling over in his grave if he had ever given a good goddamn about things like “journalism” and “not making up terrorist groups that paid off Chuck Hagel.” Fortunately, those were not at the top or anywhere else on the list of things he cared about, so his corpse remains unmolested and spin-free. Apparently, so does the conscience of one Virgin Ben Shapiro, who is perfectly happy and totally content with having written the laughingstock story about Chuck Hagel taking donations from “Friends of Hamas,” which does not exist. Let’s see how he responds to this foxy NY Daily News reporter who — whoops! — accidentally made up the whole thing! Take it away, New York Daily News reporter! Read more on Ghost Andrew Breitbart Stands By His Story On Terror Group That Does Not Exist…
  this is why we can't have nice things

John McCain’s Hurt Feelings Will Run Your Life Forever, America

Hey Americans! Do you like governance by snit? OF COURSE YOU DO. What country wouldn’t want its fate determined by petty grievances and your leaders generally acting like whiny little bitchcakes towards one another? We sure do love it! USA! So what is the latest crucial thing that is being blocked by someone having a sad? Chuck Hagel’s nomination, of course! Who is doing the sadblocking this time? Good old….actually, bad fucking old John McCain: Read more on John McCain’s Hurt Feelings Will Run Your Life Forever, America…
  sucker's bet

Assume Wingnuts Furious Over SNL’s Cut Chuck Hagel Sketch

We do not know if the wingnuts are furious about the Chuck Hagel Sadtime Clown Face Hearings Hour, and how SNL cut it before air, probably because it was not funny. (We have just watched it; it was not funny.) We do not know if the wingnuts are furious, because Doktor Zoom is the only person who came to work today, and he is “easily distractible,” so it is pretty much up to just us to run our stupid blog today, and we do not feel like looking at wingnut blogs because we fell yesterday while we were running with our dog (not “out for a run,” because come on, just running like half a block or so, for funsies) and we did not even trip or anything, just all of a sudden our legs did not work anymore, just like when Brenda from Six Feet Under fucked those sailors so hard she got a spinal tumor in Muriel’s Wedding? (YOU’RE TERRIBLE, MURIEL!) And we hurt our wrist and our palms (and our knees), just like Jesus? Read more on Assume Wingnuts Furious Over SNL’s Cut Chuck Hagel Sketch…
  chicken hawks

Let These Chickenhawks Explain You Why Chuck Hagel/Military Service Are Irrelevant In Post-9/11 World

Are you sick of hearing about Chuck Hagel? We are sick of hearing about Chuck Hagel too, but there are so many pearls of wisdom and hidden insights in this New York Times article about him that we cannot resist sharing it with you. For example: did you know that being a war hero does not give you any credibility whatsoever, unless you happen to be speaking in favor of more war, in which case, please step up to the mike? Also, did you know that there is such a thing as “mainstream internationalism,” and that Bill Kristol is the perfect spokesperson for it? Read more on Let These Chickenhawks Explain You Why Chuck Hagel/Military Service Are Irrelevant In Post-9/11 World…
  evildoers

Chuck Hagel Loves Terrorism Like Al Jazeera Loves Beheading People

Rick Santorum has some thoughts you guys, and apparently they are so important he cannot even save them for his “exclusive” gig at WND, columnizing alongside folks who think the Supreme Court Chief Justice should be impeached for swearing in whats-his-name, the black guy. Here are Rick Santorum’s babies of his brain: Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense, former Republican senator Chuck Hagel, loves terrorism. He wants to marry terrorism, and make little satan-butt-babies with terrorism, and they will name their satan-butt-baby “Joe.” Read more on Chuck Hagel Loves Terrorism Like Al Jazeera Loves Beheading People…
  teh stupid stands alone

NRO: Allies? We Don’t Need No Stinking Allies

Dear lord we already have Hagel fatigue. We already had to pretend that the GOP suddenly cares about gay rights and therefore Hagel = root of all evil. We have to listen to John McCain concern troll the hell out of the nomination because he will never ever not be butthurt about losing to Bamz in 2008. We have RealDoll Ted Cruz (no, really. Go look at the fucking photo at the upcoming link. He is made of wax) declaring that Hagel is unacceptable because he won’t get tough with Iran, which in turn will make us go to war with Iran. Best of all, we have the explanation that you have to oppose Hagel (and Kerry) because if you don’t, it just looks like the Republicans hated Rice because she is a brown lady person: Read more on NRO: Allies? We Don’t Need No Stinking Allies…
  this is excellent news for john mccain

Who Would Republicans Deign To Accept As Obama’s Secretary Of Defense?

Former Republican Senator and Obama’s Defense Secretary nominee Chuck Hagel may not be cut out for all this. And really, who is? Obviously, any Democrat the president might nominate would be persona non, because Barack Nobummer is being partisan by nominating Democrats. But any Republican the Kenyan usurper might nominate is also persona non, because if you were nominated by Barack Obama you can by definition no longer be Republican. Why, no sooner had the president nominated a Republican to head the Department of Defense than Sen. John McCain released a statement saying he had “serious concerns.” Let us try to determine, together, who might be acceptable to Lindsey Graham, John McCain, and whatsername, “where’s the girl.” Read more on Who Would Republicans Deign To Accept As Obama’s Secretary Of Defense?…
  no homo

Log Cabin Republicans And Chuck Hagel: The Stupid That Dare Not Speak Its Name

Citizens of WonkWorld, it is time for your … quarterly? sure, let’s go with quarterly … reminder that there is such a thing as the Log Cabin Republicans. (There is also another conservogay thing known as GOProud. Believe it or not, they are even easier to make fun of than the LCR, mostly because of their weird worship of gay-hater/Creature from the Blond Lagoon Ann Coulter.) ANYWAY. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Log Cabin Republicans. They have a thing to tell you about the Messiah’s nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense: Read more on Log Cabin Republicans And Chuck Hagel: The Stupid That Dare Not Speak Its Name…
  team of rivals

Fox & Friends: Republican Senator Not Republican Enough To Win Confirmation To Obama’s Cabinet

There is absolutely nothing President Bablack H. Obamblack can do to make the GOP happy. Putting forward the Heritage Foundation’s pro-business healthcare reform? SOCIALISMS. Proposing the Republican answer to climate change (from back when Republicans believed in climate change), “cap and trade”? The greatest takeover of private enterprise by government the WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. Possibly nominating former GOP Senator Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense or another top NatSec position? Well, let’s see what Fox & Friends’ Gretchen Carlson has to say about THAT: Hagel’s opposition to the 2007 troop surge in Iraq and his accompanying then-Senator Obama on a trip to Afghanistan and Iraq in 2008 means he is “not a typical Republican” and that “could present some obstacles” to his Senate confirmation. Read more on Fox & Friends: Republican Senator Not Republican Enough To Win Confirmation To Obama’s Cabinet…
  just announce damnit

Obama Appears To Have Selected Some Mysterious Centrist

As we wait for the wicked nasty response ad about Rezko and Ayers that the McCain team is surely splicing together right now, let’s “read” some tea leaves: “CHICAGO – Barack Obama says he’s decided on a running mate, but he won’t say who. The Democratic presidential candidate told USA Today on Thursday that he went with someone who is independent and would challenge him in the White House. He also said he wanted someone who is prepared to be president and would help him strengthen the economy.” He’s so weird. Why would anyone want a vice president that would “challenge” him? Sounds like a pain in the rear. But that aside, this obviously changes everything we ever knew about the veepstakes and really everything else too. Read more on Obama Appears To Have Selected Some Mysterious Centrist…
  republican national convention

GOP Convention To Be Blood-Soaked Reenactment Of Second Punic War

Thank you to Wonkette pamphlet operative “Taylor” for sending us this fantastic brochure from the Minneapolis Saint Paul 2008 Host Committee about the exciting upcoming convention. How rad will it be? Well if this pamphlet is any indication, John McCain will enter the arena with his seven children and two wives on a War Elephant — decorated in gold, rubies and fine silks — carrying the Sword of Gryffindor in one hand and the dripping, severed head of Chuck Hagel in the other; he won’t even have to speak because everyone will just be cold goin’ nuts at the sight of this. Read more on GOP Convention To Be Blood-Soaked Reenactment Of Second Punic War…
  running mates

Each Democratic VP Candidate Uniquely Unqualified To Be Veep

Someday soon-ish, Barack Obama will have to pick a running mate. Alas, it has been many moons since a celestial human born without Sin walked among us, so Our Barry is forced to pull his vice president from a pool of reprobates, losers, and women who are too attractive to be paired with such a handsome man. Seriously! Join us on our tour of three prospective candidates who will never ever be vice president. Read more on Each Democratic VP Candidate Uniquely Unqualified To Be Veep…
 

Wonk’d Spectacular: Joe Wilson, Rob Lowe, Larry Craig, Elizabeth Kucinich … and Wonder Woman!

Whoa, hey, is that a blurry picture of the famous secret diplomat, Joe Wilson? It is! What’s he up to, these days? Well, if you believe our tipster “Sal,” Wilson can be found these days campaigning for Hillary in tiny little towns, so that his wife can remain undercover. Join us for a super special weeks-late Wonk’d with appearances by Jim Webb, Chuck Hagel, Wonder Woman, Wolf Blitzer, Donald and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld, Tom Ridge, Rob Lowe, Andrew Sullivan, Larry Craig and the always fetching Elizabeth Kucinich … after the jump! Read more on Wonk’d Spectacular: Joe Wilson, Rob Lowe, Larry Craig, Elizabeth Kucinich … and Wonder Woman!…
 

Afghanistani Bigfoot Takes Heroic Senators Hostage!

AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK, ABROAD: “Helicopters carrying three senior U.S. senators made emergency landings Thursday in the mountains of Afghanistan because of a snowstorm.” Good sweet Jesus Christ God, how is America going to survive — we lost Joe Biden, John Kerry and Chuck Hagel to the ancient snows of the barren hinterland and its devilish tundra camels. Fortunately, Barack Obama FLEW LIKE SUPERMAN to this valley of ice monsters, swooped the foppish Senators away and whisked them to safe harbor. Again: Barack Obama has saved three senators from Taliban Bigfoot. [AP/Breitbart] Read more on Afghanistani Bigfoot Takes Heroic Senators Hostage!…
 

Bloomberg, Bipartisanship Aren’t The Answer

A bunch of wild-eyed idealists formed Unity08 to get Mike Bloomberg to run for president which he’s supposedly been ramping up to do for months anyway and somehow still hasn’t yet managed to pull off. The group behind the site is having a meeting next week which Bloomberg and his pal Chuck Hagel will attend to talk about the importance of bipartisanship, which, come on guys, is pretty fucking lame. The whole idea of the Unity08 thing is to build a network of people fed up with two-party gridlock and influence of money, blah bah blah, and then “recruit” an independent centrist candidate who also happens to be a billionaire so that he’s not beholden to any interest groups or whatever and create a benevolent consensus government. The two problems with those ideas right off the bat are (1) bipartisanship and (2) billionaire. Read more on Bloomberg, Bipartisanship Aren’t The Answer…