Tag: christmas

Fa la la la la, la la la SHART

‘Fox & Friends’ Jizz Their Stockings In Yuletide Rage

Two of the unique strains of brain syphilis that sit on the "Fox & Friends" couch every morning have finded a real War On Christmas! Oh so exciting! You see, there is this school in Brooklyn, P.S. 169, and...
He speaks the truth.

Remember, Liberals: Ted Cruz And Dead Breitbart Are The Reason For The Season

Hooray, that dumb holiday where we eat 300 pounds of food and say we're "thankful" for "things" is over, and now we can go back to doing hot, wet War On Christmassing to each other, like we liberals do....

Hot New Interactive Barbie Toy Will Spy On You And Your Children, Hooray!

Man, living in the future was supposed to include jet packs and flying cars, but instead all we got was terrorists who keep thinking of innovative ways to blow stuff up so we to take off our goddamn shoes...
The pope's new record, probably.

Pope Francis Drops Dope New Record On Black Friday, Like A Common Adele

Know that thing when you are sporting around in your new Lexus, gettin' in a little "Dad Time" while you take your privileged white children to soccer practice by forcing them to listen to Rush? (The band, not the...
And unto Felicia he said BYE

Pope Francis Declares War On Christmas

Another year, another exhibit of the supposedly (but is he, really?) Catholic Pope Francis forgetting the reason for the season: a plastic Jewish family and snowflakes on your coffee cups. In what has become his annual downer of an...
Pastor Steven Anderson doing his best impression of "death metal." Ayup.

Shame How Ironic Band Name Murdered All Those Parisians :(

This is a song by the band Eagles Of Death Metal, whose Paris show Friday night at the Bataclan was interrupted by thug terrorists murdering people: Now, be truthful. If you had NO IDEA WHO THEY WERE, how many seconds...
Don't make Muscle Jesus angry. You wouldn't like Him when He's angry.

Deleted Comments: You Can’t Be A Liberal And A Christian, Duh

Once in a while we'll get an influx of angry new commenters who are very, VERY unhappy with something we've published, but we have no idea how they found the piece to be outraged by in the first place....
These baristas will keep you safe and warm.

First Starbucks Destroys Christmas, Now It’s Gay For The Queers?

Well, well, well, Starbucks sure has made clear where it stands in the culture wars this week, and it's definitely not on the side of Jesus! First it made a red cup that didn't even have Christmas decorations it, like...
They're watching you.

Jesus Buying All His Christmas Presents At Hobby Lobby And Chick-Fil-A From Now On

It's the most wonderful time of the year, almost! We've had a real good start to the War On Christmas, thanks to Starbucks making a cup that does not explicitly mention how the Baby Jesus died so you can...
It's almost as if they were a business, not a church.

Starbucks First Corporation To Murder Christmas This Year

After a few early rumblings back in August, it's finally that most beloved time of the year, War On Christmas season! And the Most Offensive Thing in the World right now is Starbucks' red and green coffee cups. Obviously....
PINTO! PINTO! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Video Proves Fake Democrats Better Than Real Republicans

America is still recovering from last week's CNBC Republican Debate Night Shart Explosion -- which was, as we have explained, not bad for the reasons Republicans think, but because CNBC sucks at life. So maybe we should all fall into the...
Look! I have a Bible! See? It's my very own copy! I'M YOU!

Donald Trump Takes Out His Jesus Thing, Waves It At Christian Voters

Donald Trump brought his circus act Friday to the Values Voters Summit in Washington, the great annual Jesusthon sponsored by the Family Research Council, the "pro-family" group that used to employ Josh Duggar. Trump turkey-danced his way through the...
Donald Trump meets an anchor baby

Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama

While he was in Alabama getting white people excited this weekend, Donald Trump took a few minutes to assure an Alabama radio show host that nobody -- NOBODY -- will be a greater President of Christmas than Donald J....

Fox Starts War On Christmas In August. Take That, Global Warming!

The War on Christmas is already here in August, according to Fox & Friends host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who seems to have forgotten that Bill O'Reilly won the War on Christmas last year. Maybe this is one of those...
He always has the best advice

Pat Robertson: Beat Your Kids Until They Stop Smoking Dope And Start Loving Jesus

Sure, it's only January -- barely -- but it's never too soon to start worrying about how your godless heathen grandspawn will try to war on your Christmas. And how you can fight back! Yes, we are shocked and amazed...

Obamas Can’t Help Dragging Race Into Kwanzaa Statement

Barack and Obama Michelle Obama have released their Annual Perfunctory Message for Kwanzaa: A "celebration highlighting the rich African American heritage and culture"? Why not just release Michelle's "Whitey" tape while you're at it, Barry? We'll bet Neil deGrasse Tyson...