Tag: christmas

Derp.

Marco Rubio Was Locked And Loaded For Christmas, In Case ISIS Came Down The Chimney

In the hearts, minds and soiled panties of America's Republicans, ISIS is lurking around every single corner, down every alley, and having a cookout in every good Christian cul-de-sac in U.S. America. That is, when it's not having rough,...

Texas Lady Told God To Send Tornadoes To Different Neighborhood And He Was Like ‘OK’

So, Christmas tornadoes were a thing this year, because global warming is fake and all those violent storms were just Jesus opening up His birthday presents. But one lady said, "Hey God, would you let me command the wind?" And...
By the time you see this, I will have had my first Crimmus!

Anna Duggar Wants You To Read Your Weekly Top Ten

Happy day after Christmas, Wonk-Wonks! Did Santa bring you all the dildos you asked for? Gee whiz, we hope so, but probably not, because you're reading this right now. Maybe you can find some at fire sale prices at...

Deleted Comment Of Christmas Past: Get Your Jews Out Of My Sacred Baby Festival!

Here again for another year, the Greatest CHRISTmas Deleted Comment ever. You may remember that in 2014, a Springfield, Massachusetts, city councilor said, at the city's Hanukkah menorah lighting "Jesus is the reason for the season." By holly jolly...
But anybody can make one of these

Lo, Unto Bristol A Child Is Born: Hello, Sailor (Grace Eggnogg Palin)

It's a Festivus Miracle, just two days late: Abstinence activist Bristol Palin has brought forth from her holy loins a Second Immaculate Palin, a daughter named "Sailor Grace," although around here we'll be calling the miracle child by the...
OH YEAH BABY EAT IT

Here’s Your Wonkette Christmas Menu, To Put Inside Your Face

Happy Christmas Eve, elves and lady elves, are you in the mood for Wonkette to cram your throatholes with goodness? Then let's get our shopping lists ready so we can prepare the traditional Wonkette Christmas Feast, which has been...

Mike Huckabee Dreams Of Sugarplums, Hillary’s Vagina, For Christmas

Turns out the reason for the season is Hillary Clinton's vagina. Who knew? But all the Republican fellers can't stop yapping about Hillary's heyyy gurl -- which is very unfair to Jeb, somehow -- and Mike Huckabee wants to get in...
Bible lizard.

Bryan Fischer Knows Dinosaurs Are Really Just Ginormous Grandma Bible Lizards

Whatcha doin', Bryan Fischer? Solving science and convincing Wonkette that we have been completely wrong about this whole fundamentalist Christian thing, and just in time for the birth of Our Lord And Savior Baby Jesus, and also the afterbirth?...

Only Two Days Left To Steal Baby Jesus!

'Tis the season when you say "'tis," and also for news hole filler stories on important topics like how frequently Baby Jesus figurines get stoled from Nativity scenes, such as this story from Seattle's KIRO. Not that there's...

Here Is Your Heartwarming Christmas Tale Of Awful People Manipulating Poor Children

So the Washington Post, which just this weekend decided it was too hard to keep debunking awful internet hoaxes, apparently decided it is not too hard to maintain some repository of hot garbage called "Inspired Life," which features such...
There's still hope for you, Anna.

Anna Duggar Pretty Sure Jesus Will Keep It In Josh’s Pants From Now On

The Duggars are back on television, hooray and hurrah and Christmas is ruined now. Sunday night brought the second installment of "Duggars After Dark: Bonin' On," which in science fact is called "Jill And Jessa: Counting On." And Mrs....
Your Christmas Wonkette Baby will overtake you with Christmas cuteness.

Donald Trump, Lying Carly Fiorina And War On Christmas RAGE! Your Weekly Top Ten

Oh hi, Wonkers, are you ready for the official War On Christmas week? Have you polished all your Festivus poles and candy-cane dildos, to wave at all the nice fundamentalist Christians who are just trying to go to church...
Fa la la la la, la la la SHART

‘Fox & Friends’ Jizz Their Stockings In Yuletide Rage

Two of the unique strains of brain syphilis that sit on the "Fox & Friends" couch every morning have finded a real War On Christmas! Oh so exciting! You see, there is this school in Brooklyn, P.S. 169, and...
He speaks the truth.

Remember, Liberals: Ted Cruz And Dead Breitbart Are The Reason For The Season

Hooray, that dumb holiday where we eat 300 pounds of food and say we're "thankful" for "things" is over, and now we can go back to doing hot, wet War On Christmassing to each other, like we liberals do....

Hot New Interactive Barbie Toy Will Spy On You And Your Children, Hooray!

Man, living in the future was supposed to include jet packs and flying cars, but instead all we got was terrorists who keep thinking of innovative ways to blow stuff up so we to take off our goddamn shoes...
The pope's new record, probably.

Pope Francis Drops Dope New Record On Black Friday, Like A Common Adele

Know that thing when you are sporting around in your new Lexus, gettin' in a little "Dad Time" while you take your privileged white children to soccer practice by forcing them to listen to Rush? (The band, not the...