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Tag: christmas

But anybody can make one of these

Lo, Unto Bristol A Child Is Born: Hello, Sailor (Grace Eggnogg Palin)

It's a Festivus Miracle, just two days late: Abstinence activist Bristol Palin has brought forth from her holy loins a Second Immaculate Palin, a daughter named "Sailor Grace," although around here we'll be calling the miracle child by the...
OH YEAH BABY EAT IT

Here’s Your Wonkette Christmas Menu, To Put Inside Your Face

Happy Christmas Eve, elves and lady elves, are you in the mood for Wonkette to cram your throatholes with goodness? Then let's get our shopping lists ready so we can prepare the traditional Wonkette Christmas Feast, which has been...

Mike Huckabee Dreams Of Sugarplums, Hillary’s Vagina, For Christmas

Turns out the reason for the season is Hillary Clinton's vagina. Who knew? But all the Republican fellers can't stop yapping about Hillary's heyyy gurl -- which is very unfair to Jeb, somehow -- and Mike Huckabee wants to get in...
Bible lizard.

Bryan Fischer Knows Dinosaurs Are Really Just Ginormous Grandma Bible Lizards

Whatcha doin', Bryan Fischer? Solving science and convincing Wonkette that we have been completely wrong about this whole fundamentalist Christian thing, and just in time for the birth of Our Lord And Savior Baby Jesus, and also the afterbirth?...

Only Two Days Left To Steal Baby Jesus!

'Tis the season when you say "'tis," and also for news hole filler stories on important topics like how frequently Baby Jesus figurines get stoled from Nativity scenes, such as this story from Seattle's KIRO. Not that there's...

Here Is Your Heartwarming Christmas Tale Of Awful People Manipulating Poor Children

So the Washington Post, which just this weekend decided it was too hard to keep debunking awful internet hoaxes, apparently decided it is not too hard to maintain some repository of hot garbage called "Inspired Life," which features such...
There's still hope for you, Anna.

Anna Duggar Pretty Sure Jesus Will Keep It In Josh’s Pants From Now On

The Duggars are back on television, hooray and hurrah and Christmas is ruined now. Sunday night brought the second installment of "Duggars After Dark: Bonin' On," which in science fact is called "Jill And Jessa: Counting On." And Mrs....
Your Christmas Wonkette Baby will overtake you with Christmas cuteness.

Donald Trump, Lying Carly Fiorina And War On Christmas RAGE! Your Weekly Top Ten

Oh hi, Wonkers, are you ready for the official War On Christmas week? Have you polished all your Festivus poles and candy-cane dildos, to wave at all the nice fundamentalist Christians who are just trying to go to church...
Fa la la la la, la la la SHART

‘Fox & Friends’ Jizz Their Stockings In Yuletide Rage

Two of the unique strains of brain syphilis that sit on the "Fox & Friends" couch every morning have finded a real War On Christmas! Oh so exciting! You see, there is this school in Brooklyn, P.S. 169, and...
He speaks the truth.

Remember, Liberals: Ted Cruz And Dead Breitbart Are The Reason For The Season

Hooray, that dumb holiday where we eat 300 pounds of food and say we're "thankful" for "things" is over, and now we can go back to doing hot, wet War On Christmassing to each other, like we liberals do....

Hot New Interactive Barbie Toy Will Spy On You And Your Children, Hooray!

Man, living in the future was supposed to include jet packs and flying cars, but instead all we got was terrorists who keep thinking of innovative ways to blow stuff up so we to take off our goddamn shoes...
The pope's new record, probably.

Pope Francis Drops Dope New Record On Black Friday, Like A Common Adele

Know that thing when you are sporting around in your new Lexus, gettin' in a little "Dad Time" while you take your privileged white children to soccer practice by forcing them to listen to Rush? (The band, not the...
And unto Felicia he said BYE

Pope Francis Declares War On Christmas

Another year, another exhibit of the supposedly (but is he, really?) Catholic Pope Francis forgetting the reason for the season: a plastic Jewish family and snowflakes on your coffee cups. In what has become his annual downer of an...
Pastor Steven Anderson doing his best impression of "death metal." Ayup.

Shame How Ironic Band Name Murdered All Those Parisians :(

This is a song by the band Eagles Of Death Metal, whose Paris show Friday night at the Bataclan was interrupted by thug terrorists murdering people: Now, be truthful. If you had NO IDEA WHO THEY WERE, how many seconds...
Don't make Muscle Jesus angry. You wouldn't like Him when He's angry.

Deleted Comments: You Can’t Be A Liberal And A Christian, Duh

Once in a while we'll get an influx of angry new commenters who are very, VERY unhappy with something we've published, but we have no idea how they found the piece to be outraged by in the first place....
These baristas will keep you safe and warm.

First Starbucks Destroys Christmas, Now It’s Gay For The Queers?

Well, well, well, Starbucks sure has made clear where it stands in the culture wars this week, and it's definitely not on the side of Jesus! First it made a red cup that didn't even have Christmas decorations it, like...