Tag Archives: christmas

  it's the most wonderful time of the year

New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013

Thanks to a 9th-grade teacher in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, America now has its Official Stupidest Meme for the 2013 holiday season. Megyn Kelly’s teevee contribution to the idiocy was certainly the first and loudest, but an unnamed teacher at Cleveland High School gave “Don’t you know Santa Claus is white?” its definitive real-world test drive last week, mocking (ironically?) an autistic black kid wearing a Santa hat & beard to school. As far as we’re concerned, that’s all the tipping point needed: 2013 is now the Year Of White Santa. Now let’s all go make some children cry! Read more on New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  the cause of and solution to all diplomatic problems

Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics

We are in the wrong bidness. For serious, we thought that blogging meant we could be drunk all the time (check), work in our pajamas (check), and rant semi-coherently with terible grammer (check and check). BUT YOU GUYS, we are officially quitting and joining the State Department, because you gotta see their benefits. As the government shutdown neared, the State Department splurged on $180,000 worth of liquor. Booze. Mommyblogger’s little helper. Whatever you want to call it. And that’s only PART of their liquor total for the year, which topped $400,000. Fuck this blogging shit — we are moving to Foggy Bottom to live the good life with Secretary Kerry.  Read more on Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics…
  commercialism at christmas makes baby jesus cry

Sarah Palin To Celebrate Poor Hippie Socialist Jew’s Birthday By Not Finishing Tour To Sell Her Crappy Book

With Halloween behind us, there is a crisp, fresh feeling in the air. The kind of feeling that can only mean one thing: time to start capitalizing on other people’s deeply held religi-political beliefs to rake in boatloads of cash. Up in the sky, with a sleigh being pulled by flying caribou, is our favorite half-time grifter, the Original GILFster herself, Sarah Palin, per Politico: Next Tuesday, the former vice presidential candidate will embark on a 15-city tour to promote her new book, “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas.” Wonkette places the odds of her completing the book tour at 47%.  Read more on Sarah Palin To Celebrate Poor Hippie Socialist Jew’s Birthday By Not Finishing Tour To Sell Her Crappy Book…
  frothy the snowman

This Christmas Movie Will Fill Your Stocking With Santorum

Former Senator, presidential candidate, and Google punchline Rick Santorum thought it might be fun to run a movie studio, and now here is the trailer for the first feature churned out by his Christian production company, EchoLight Studios. It’s The Christmas Candle, a holly-jolly ye-olde family yarn with snowflakes, miracles, Good Simple 19th Century English Whitefolks, Susan Boyle, and a trailer with enough cymbal swells to hammer home the point that it’s Inspirational. Read more on This Christmas Movie Will Fill Your Stocking With Santorum…
  it's a continuing resolution charlie brown

Here Is How John Boehner Can Save Christmas

John Boehner is correct that this shutdown “isn’t some damn game.”  One difference is that it sucks, while games are fun. And it will suck again in mid-December, which is when Boehner wanted to not play this not a game again with another must-pass funding bill. Merry Christmas, jerks! Give us Obama’s right nut or Prancer’s burger meat. That’s not the reason for the season! But what if John Boehner’s heart grew a few sizes, not in a medically dangerous way, but whimsically, like in a children’s book by a patriotic socialist? Wouldn’t that be swell? Well, it could happen! Read more on Here Is How John Boehner Can Save Christmas…
  the forever war

Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Saves Christmas From Nonexistent Threats

Tennessee State Senator and inaugural nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award Stacey Campfield must have been worried that we’d forgotten all about him, so he’s introduced legislation that protects the sacred right of teachers and students to say “Merry Christmas” in public schools. “This stops all these silly lawsuits that say you can’t say ‘merry Christmas’ or ‘happy Hanukkah’ or have a Christmas tree,” said Campfield, R-Knoxville, who has pre-filed SB1425 for consideration by the General Assembly in 2014. Campfield was unable to actually identify a single case of a lawsuit being filed over what the bill calls “traditional greetings” during “winter celebrations,” but says that he knows people who are “afraid of lawsuits,’ possibly because they, like Campfield, are idiots who have convinced themselves that Christians in Tennessee are a persecuted minority. Read more on Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Saves Christmas From Nonexistent Threats…
  palinspeak

Sarah Palin Wants You To Un-Commercialize Christmas By Buying Her Stupid Christmas Book

When the irrelevant get desperate, its time to fight straw-men, or things we put straws in, and what mythical enemy is more mythical than The War On Christmas! In a maniacal effort to appeal to the panic-stricken, anxiety-riddled, look-at-my-faith lording, self-pitying element of stupid white people upset about the blah President, Sarah Palin is now wrapping herself in the flagness of a Christmas book! It was already ridiculous when the Reason for the Season – making moneys! – expanded from its original post-Thanksgiving start date and crept all the way up to Halloween – so, how about March? Don’t we need to talk about a Christmas book in March? Read more on Sarah Palin Wants You To Un-Commercialize Christmas By Buying Her Stupid Christmas Book…
  it's the final countdown

Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas

Hey lazy. Whatcha doin’? Bein’ lazy? Forgetting to buy shit for all the people you love? Well you are in luck, because the post office informs us that if we get them your packages by tomorrow morning, your sorry ass will have presents under your heathen, Jesus-less, responsible-for-Newtown “holiday tree.” (Also, WE WILL EVEN WRAP THEM, oddly and kind of home-madey, in two colors of tissue paper, with ribbon! If you pay us to.) Right. So. Go here. The end. [WonketteBazaar] Read more on Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas…
  give us all your moneys

All Your Christmas Shopping In One Place, Unless You Have To Buy Stuff For Your Stupid Kids

You will have to go elsewhere for your creepy Elmo dolls (in fact, you probably want to just click that Amazon box in the righthand sidebar so that when Amazon forces your local mom and pop store out of business, at least your local mom and pop website gets a cut). We we do not have a single item for your stupid kids. What do we have? Hats, coffee cups, gift wrap, some other stuff, some more other stuff, and scary underwear. Read more on All Your Christmas Shopping In One Place, Unless You Have To Buy Stuff For Your Stupid Kids…
  one nation under dog

Fox News Host Reveals Dastardly Obama Plan To Replace Christian God With Bo The Dog

The Obama White Black Muslim House is sending out a “holiday” card (not a CHRISTMAS card, despite the fact that CHRIST IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON except for Hanukkah but that doesn’t count because unlike Christmas it’s just a random religious holiday that marketers got their hands on) that prominently features their hypoallergenic dog deity, Bo. The 2012 White House “Holiday” card spotlights the Obama’s family Portuguese water dog — instead of Christmas. The black and white illustration was designed by Iowa artist Larassa Kabel and shows Bo the dog, wearing a scarf, while  frolicking in the snow on the South Lawn of a blurred White House. The inside of the card reportedly reads, ”This season, may your home be filled with family, friends, and the joy of the holidays.” The card is signed by the entire First Family — along with Bo’s paw print. Let’s realize what the holidays are really for: bundling up your family in matching clothes, making them sit uncomfortably for half an hour in a Sears photo studio, then sending out a meticulously detailed letter listing every banal accomplishment of your empty suburban lives to people you haven’t talked to in months. Read more on Fox News Host Reveals Dastardly Obama Plan To Replace Christian God With Bo The Dog…
  ain't no treaty this time

A Declaration Of War On Christmas

For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter. The time has arrived, as it does every year, for America to be besieged by that familiar and insidious enemy: Christmas. We have endured its tyranny for 2,000 years, with its manger scenes, its mint-flavored everything, its bearded occupation of J.C. Penny locations nationwide. Christmas flaunts its influence from the gilded trees in suburban bay windows across our land, mocking us while hijacking the radio waves for reindeer idolatry and the glorification of little boys with drums. And we shall suffer it no longer. Though its supporters have long bemoaned “attacks” on this, the worst of all seasons, Christmas has never felt the wrath of the people, the power of the oppressed masses. We shall rise up. We shall fight back. Before the media warns us for another year of the stealth “War on Christmas,” we shall make it clear. We shall, officially, declare war on Christmas. Read more on A Declaration Of War On Christmas…
  put on yr hanukkah sweater vest

Rick Santorum Fetes The Jews With New Testament Quote

Rick Santorum knew just what the Jews of South Carolina wanted to hear around Hanukkah time: A quote from Jesus in the New Testament threatening people who don’t follow him. That means you, Jews! Oh, brother. Also: “Holiday Season”? There is no such thing. Rick Santorum hates Christmas. [via Hunter Walker] Read more on Rick Santorum Fetes The Jews With New Testament Quote…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal

The end of the year (world?) can be a good time to reflect on all of the happy times of the last 12 months, like gym sessions with Desmond Tutu, victories in world domination, and whatever is actually going on in this photo. Perhaps it is also an appropriate time to consider the past year’s mistakes and contemplate lessons learned. Not for our FLOTUS, of course, because she is too good for that second thing. She is pretty pleased with 2011 and has decided to close out the year the best way she knows how: in fancy clothes, on an island far away from most of the poor people. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal…
  pray to jesus & santa!

World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death

We don’t believe in an interventionist god, so today’s cheery eyewitness report of Dick Cheney being “enfeebled” at a death-war military contractor’s holiday cocktail ritual does not make us believe we’re all going to have a very merry Christmas. We must remember that Dick Cheney has been legally dead about a hundred times, and he is also not human. So why spoil the season by chanting wishes and invocations over each Chanukah candle or Christmas pie? So, take this New York Post report for what it’s worth: Dick Cheney made a grim-reaper appearance at (naturally) “a party to welcome Northrop Grumman CEO Wes Bush to DC at former George W. Bush adviser Bobbie Kilberg’s home in McLean, Va.” And it even startled the merchants of death who make up the Bush/Cheney Military-Industrial Murder Complex, because Cheney’s face was covered in an oxygen mask and he was too weak to stand. Read more on World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death…
  republicans in the news

John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast

Does anybody care about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore? Probably nobody cares about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore, but the details of this thing are just ridiculous. Here’s a thing John Ensign did: He took his mistress, the wife of his friend and mother of his children’s friends, to the National Prayer Breakfast to propose marriage to her. How romantic! God strolled into the National Prayer Breakfast, saw Ensign on one knee, said “Oh fuck this shit” to himself, and walked right back out. There are enough things in the Senate Ethics Committee report to embarrass Ensign’s children and those of his mistress’ for many lifetimes, but they already know that, because Ensign was pretty much doing it right in front of them, and then all the adults in the situation destroyed their own lives. This all sounds really hott! Read more on John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast…
  Mele Kamohoali'i

Obamas Worship Shark God In Hawaiian ‘Church’

While you were trying to pry off your frozen Depends in the backseat of the 1987 Plymouth K-Car you call home, fancy Afro-Hawaiian Barack Obama and his family of vegetable-grazing elitists were worshiping the Hawaiian Shark God at the heretical abomination known as “Christmas in Hawaii.” Read more on Obamas Worship Shark God In Hawaiian ‘Church’…
  print out ur internets

Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas

As we look back on the 111th Congress, we will remember two things: a mediocre (but actually successful!) health care bill and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and a bit and lots of Republican obstructionism. To mark the end of this joyous legislative year, your Wonkette has gone on this Internet thing for children (such as your editor) to make collectible trading cards of the Senate’s top obstructionists. You can even print them out and give them to children for Christmas! If you hate children, that is. Read more on Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas…
  wonkette world o' books

Glenn Beck’s Tears Save Christmas

Wonkette World o’ Books is a bit late to the party on this week’s Fine Read. The Christmas Sweater, a curious coming-of-age novel by beloved teevee lunatic Glenn Beck, was actually published in 2008, which took place a full, what, THREE years ago, almost? A picture book version (for the kids) and a film/one-man-show version (for chortling libtards with money to burn on a goddamned Glenn Beck movie) followed in 2009. There were many amusing reviews. But no one, it seems, had read the novel that led to the comical movie/show. Until now. Read more on Glenn Beck’s Tears Save Christmas…
  food/booze news!

D.C. Sans People: A Christmas Miracle!

Wednesday, December 22: The best thing about spending the days before Christmas in D.C. is that no one is here (including those who probably should still be here, to pass bills and such). The city is so pleasant and empty, making it the ideal time to go bars that would normally be teeming with people. Try the Blue Banana in Petworth. It’s a sports bar that may come with a side of hookers, but hey, they’re having an open bar tonight from 8 to 9PM, and tomorrow beer is half price all night. [The Blue Banana] Read more on D.C. Sans People: A Christmas Miracle!…
  must be santa

Texas Christians Execute Santa Claus (Video!)

Oh look, some fucktard wingnuts in Texas somewhere made a video of themselves “executing Santa Claus,” you know, because Baby Jesus hates Santa Claus. Why does Baby Jesus hate a Christian saint? Because Baby Jesus isn’t Catholic anymore, come on, don’t you know anything about American Christmas? Anyway watch these mouth-breathing obese poop-sacks play with their guns and toy Santas, if that’s what you want to do with yourself. Read more on Texas Christians Execute Santa Claus (Video!)…