Tag Archives: christmas

  actually this one is real

Words That Say Mery Crismass From Ur Gal Me Sarah Palim

Hey besties, Wow, it’s Crissmass again! So fun, espcially here in AK (that’s alaskan for Alaska) where Santa Klaze has his summer home and its so dark in winter, it makes me sad but then I go Tanning and it helps a lot, and I look tan then too which also is helps ya know. The hole Palin clam is just doing so great, Todd has been working on his Snowmachine for it seems like a week and try and make it fly in the air like a fake bird, that’s what he said at lease but I think he just likes to whack on it with a hamer and smell how it smells, the grease fums. Barstow is working hard at her stuff, Willy is cooking a jello, Gakk is playing with his foot, And all the rest of them are also too. Read more on Words That Say Mery Crismass From Ur Gal Me Sarah Palim…
  could you tell that this one was satire maybe?

Hey Folks, Merry Christmas From Your Old Buddy Barack

My fellow Americans, Remember when you were really excited to get an email from me, even though you were pretty sure someone else wrote it? Me too. Those were good days. This Christmas, I thought it would be nice if I could give you that feeling again. The catch is that you have to help me by pretending a few things. Pretend it’s early 2009 and the normal rules of politics for whatever reason don’t apply to a president you really, really like. Pretend that the Democrats still control every branch of government, and that the Democrats are actually interested in helping me fulfill my campaign promises. Pretend that you’re really excited for this thing called “Obamacare,” which is going to be great even though the idea came from a conservative think tank, Mitt Romney was the first guy to try it, and it depends on insurance companies not being total dicks. Can you imagine that? Read more on Hey Folks, Merry Christmas From Your Old Buddy Barack…
  yup still satire

I, Ted Cruz, Say You’re Welcome For Your Holy Christmas Freedoms, America

Dear Patriot, This year, I was honored when you invited me into your home as the only man in Washington with the guts, the intelligence, the dedication, the bladder control, and the overall excellence to delay a routine budget agreement for many good reasons, especially Obamacare. Now, with Christmas upon us, I’m honored to invite you into mine. I’m happy to report that the Cruz family is doing great. Heidi got a nice bonus from Goldman Sachs and even brought home a bunch of those canvas totes with the bank’s logo on them. We’ll probably donate them to the Salvation Army, because we love helping poor people as long as nobody is telling us how to do it. Meanwhile, Dad is getting the den ready for the Christmas flagellations, a Cruz family tradition. He got a new tarp this year, and he’s covering the furniture like a kid in a tarp store. We haven’t heard from mom in a while. I’m sure she’ll turn up. And the kids are making paper snowflakes. I keep telling them that snowflakes are supposed to be symmetrical, but they won’t listen. Maybe Santa will flagellate some sense into them! Read more on I, Ted Cruz, Say You’re Welcome For Your Holy Christmas Freedoms, America…
  this is the part where we explain that this is satire

Warmest Holiday-Themed Sentiments From Hillary Clinton

Sisters and brothers, This is the time of year when many of us celebrate holidays! I hope you are enjoying the one or ones you celebrate with any persons you hold dear. I know I am, with Bill and Chelsea and her husband Marc Mezvinsky. I’ll tell you — you haven’t played Scattegories until you’ve played it with us. So much yelling, what a hoot! I still miss Socks, though, remember Socks?  I do. Read more on Warmest Holiday-Themed Sentiments From Hillary Clinton…
  welcome to wonket we love you

An Unironic Snark-Free Appreciation Of You, Our Beloved Terrible Ones

Do you know we love you, Wonkers? Because we do. And not just because you send us all the money all the time, and let us buy Doktor Zoom and Snipy and booze and Obamacare. (It is mostly because you send us money all the time and let us buy Doktor Zoom and Snipy and booze and Obamacare.) Read more on An Unironic Snark-Free Appreciation Of You, Our Beloved Terrible Ones…
  No we're not being sarcastic except we are

Wonkette Wishes Rick Santorum A Totally Not Ironic Happy White Santa Holidays Full Of Frothy Jesus

Dear Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter That Is Sometimes the Byproduct of Anal Sex, You, Rick Santorum, are wonderful. You are like Nelson Mandela. This year alone, you have delighted us with all of your frothy Santorumness. You learned us how if you cannot gaybash at our high school children, it is like Hitler. And how kids are afraid to shower at the YMCA because they might have to hear icky words like “abortion.” And how flinging yourself all over Virginia turned out to not be excellent news for Ken Cuccinelli. And how you should maybe keep your day job of not having a day job and stay away from producing Christmassy movies. And how the First Amendment is intended to protect you — yes, you Rick, personally — from having to live in a country where women use birth control. And how, most important of all and relevant to 2016 cough cough wink wink, you understand now that the great lesson of 2012 is that you totally would have won if you hadn’t lost. Read more on Wonkette Wishes Rick Santorum A Totally Not Ironic Happy White Santa Holidays Full Of Frothy Jesus…
  santa claus is coming to...break right! break right!

NORAD To Track Santa Claus, Drive Glenn Greenwald To Write 50,000-Word Screed About Oppressive Government Surveillance

Ah, Christmas Eve. A time to attend church (assuming you are not a godless heathen), sing some Christmas carols, finish picking clean the carcass of various retail establishments in your scramble for last-minute gifts, gird yourself for Christmas dinner with your racist Uncle Red, get the kids into bed so you can stay up late drinking eggnog and wrapping their gifts. And oh yeah, watch as the United States military brings its formidable resources to bear on tracking an imaginary fat guy flying a sled pulled by a major Nordic food source. Welcome to NoradSanta.org, your web source for all the ways the North American Aerospace Defense Command will spend Christmas Eve making sure Santa and his reindeer can land on every load-bearing roof all over the world to bring little children their Batcave Playsets and Hello Kitty assault rifles. NoradSanta.org has all sorts of games and information about Santa and his work. You can download apps to your iPadRoid, presumably to track Santa’s flight. Additionally the site features adorable propaganda videos showcasing all the wonderful technology the military has on hand to keep the country safe from marauding jihadis, Russian nukes and corpulent North Pole dwellers who for one night every year make a mockery of our nation’s “defend your castle” laws. There are also promotional videos from Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence for some reason. What, Tiffany Brissette was busy? Read more on NORAD To Track Santa Claus, Drive Glenn Greenwald To Write 50,000-Word Screed About Oppressive Government Surveillance…
  christmas miracles

How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!

Hey Congress, watcha doing? Making laws and working hard, ahahahhaha, yeah right, pardon us and our humor. The House has already skipped town to go home and await the arrival of White Santa, and the Senate just finished voting on the two-year compromise budget resolution, which passed 57-33. A COMPROMISE?!?! Yep, it seems that Sen. Patty Murray (D-Sneakers) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-P90X) came together on a very small budget deal that will maybe possibly prevent a government shutdown. Congress has been fellating itself all week because that’s what you do when you accomplish ONE GODDAM THING. We bet you want to know what is in this budget, don’t ya? Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!…
  it's the most wonderful time of the year

New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013

Thanks to a 9th-grade teacher in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, America now has its Official Stupidest Meme for the 2013 holiday season. Megyn Kelly’s teevee contribution to the idiocy was certainly the first and loudest, but an unnamed teacher at Cleveland High School gave “Don’t you know Santa Claus is white?” its definitive real-world test drive last week, mocking (ironically?) an autistic black kid wearing a Santa hat & beard to school. As far as we’re concerned, that’s all the tipping point needed: 2013 is now the Year Of White Santa. Now let’s all go make some children cry! Read more on New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  the cause of and solution to all diplomatic problems

Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics

We are in the wrong bidness. For serious, we thought that blogging meant we could be drunk all the time (check), work in our pajamas (check), and rant semi-coherently with terible grammer (check and check). BUT YOU GUYS, we are officially quitting and joining the State Department, because you gotta see their benefits. As the government shutdown neared, the State Department splurged on $180,000 worth of liquor. Booze. Mommyblogger’s little helper. Whatever you want to call it. And that’s only PART of their liquor total for the year, which topped $400,000. Fuck this blogging shit — we are moving to Foggy Bottom to live the good life with Secretary Kerry.  Read more on Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics…
  commercialism at christmas makes baby jesus cry

Sarah Palin To Celebrate Poor Hippie Socialist Jew’s Birthday By Not Finishing Tour To Sell Her Crappy Book

With Halloween behind us, there is a crisp, fresh feeling in the air. The kind of feeling that can only mean one thing: time to start capitalizing on other people’s deeply held religi-political beliefs to rake in boatloads of cash. Up in the sky, with a sleigh being pulled by flying caribou, is our favorite half-time grifter, the Original GILFster herself, Sarah Palin, per Politico: Next Tuesday, the former vice presidential candidate will embark on a 15-city tour to promote her new book, “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas.” Wonkette places the odds of her completing the book tour at 47%.  Read more on Sarah Palin To Celebrate Poor Hippie Socialist Jew’s Birthday By Not Finishing Tour To Sell Her Crappy Book…
  frothy the snowman

This Christmas Movie Will Fill Your Stocking With Santorum

Former Senator, presidential candidate, and Google punchline Rick Santorum thought it might be fun to run a movie studio, and now here is the trailer for the first feature churned out by his Christian production company, EchoLight Studios. It’s The Christmas Candle, a holly-jolly ye-olde family yarn with snowflakes, miracles, Good Simple 19th Century English Whitefolks, Susan Boyle, and a trailer with enough cymbal swells to hammer home the point that it’s Inspirational. Read more on This Christmas Movie Will Fill Your Stocking With Santorum…
  it's a continuing resolution charlie brown

Here Is How John Boehner Can Save Christmas

John Boehner is correct that this shutdown “isn’t some damn game.”  One difference is that it sucks, while games are fun. And it will suck again in mid-December, which is when Boehner wanted to not play this not a game again with another must-pass funding bill. Merry Christmas, jerks! Give us Obama’s right nut or Prancer’s burger meat. That’s not the reason for the season! But what if John Boehner’s heart grew a few sizes, not in a medically dangerous way, but whimsically, like in a children’s book by a patriotic socialist? Wouldn’t that be swell? Well, it could happen! Read more on Here Is How John Boehner Can Save Christmas…
  the forever war

Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Saves Christmas From Nonexistent Threats

Tennessee State Senator and inaugural nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award Stacey Campfield must have been worried that we’d forgotten all about him, so he’s introduced legislation that protects the sacred right of teachers and students to say “Merry Christmas” in public schools. “This stops all these silly lawsuits that say you can’t say ‘merry Christmas’ or ‘happy Hanukkah’ or have a Christmas tree,” said Campfield, R-Knoxville, who has pre-filed SB1425 for consideration by the General Assembly in 2014. Campfield was unable to actually identify a single case of a lawsuit being filed over what the bill calls “traditional greetings” during “winter celebrations,” but says that he knows people who are “afraid of lawsuits,’ possibly because they, like Campfield, are idiots who have convinced themselves that Christians in Tennessee are a persecuted minority. Read more on Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Saves Christmas From Nonexistent Threats…
  palinspeak

Sarah Palin Wants You To Un-Commercialize Christmas By Buying Her Stupid Christmas Book

When the irrelevant get desperate, its time to fight straw-men, or things we put straws in, and what mythical enemy is more mythical than The War On Christmas! In a maniacal effort to appeal to the panic-stricken, anxiety-riddled, look-at-my-faith lording, self-pitying element of stupid white people upset about the blah President, Sarah Palin is now wrapping herself in the flagness of a Christmas book! It was already ridiculous when the Reason for the Season – making moneys! – expanded from its original post-Thanksgiving start date and crept all the way up to Halloween – so, how about March? Don’t we need to talk about a Christmas book in March? Read more on Sarah Palin Wants You To Un-Commercialize Christmas By Buying Her Stupid Christmas Book…