If you’re like most Americans, this blessed holiday season the grown-ups in your family agreed to buy presents “just for the kids” while everyone else huddled beneath a single thin quilt like Charlie Bucket’s grandparents. As a result, newly released holiday sales figures were unbelievably sucky. Congratulations, consumers! Your failure to continue to borrow and spend as usual has finally ruined even our discount retailers. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, everybody, have you heard about the economies? Of course, your Wonkette staffers spend their days luxuriating in the well-appointed, mahogany-trimmed, Campbell Brown-subsidized Wonkette HQ, but we are given to understand that things in the outside world aren’t going so great, money-wise! In fact, this li’l economic downturn has even affected Christmas, a holy day of religious significance that nobody has ever previously connected to the vulgar machinations of commerce in any way. Cartoonists show you how bad it’s gotten, after the jump. MORE »

“Members of a church in Kansas City, Ks., are protesting the secularization of Christmas by dressing like Jesus at their jobs, malls and restaurants.” (This is how they would dress regardless.) [Fox News, Blogslut]

Enjoying your material presents, America? Did you get any “cash presents,” such as a stack of U.S. dollars? Well look, save it. Don’t spend it. Don’t fucking spend it. What are you, stupid? We told you not to spend it. Are you fucking stupid? (Actually you really should spend it, to stimulate the economy.) [YouTube]

Yo bitches check out the details about this FIRESALE at McCain-Palin headquarters, according to a report from an anonymous operative in Virginia: “I just came back from the McCain-Palin regional headquarters in Arlington, VA. They are selling all of their office equipment - it was very depressing, but I did lay hands on a nice 19″ LCD screen for only $113!” More infoz after the jump! MORE »

Friends and enemies, it is time to put aside our irrevocable partisan differences and unite in the pursuit of inexpensive yet offensive X-mas/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Channukah/Jedi gifts for our few friends and many enemies. In these troubled times of National Doom, you want a present that is a) cheap, and b) either wonderful or truly horrific. But the gift must not be some wacky novelty manufactured for the sake of laffs. It must be terribly sincere. (Unless it’s not!) What we’re saying is, how many prints of a burly, naked Barack Obama riding a unicorn to victory will you be buying this year? MORE »

HATS OFF to esteemed thing Parade for this sexy clip art collage of a mall Santa preparing to bone claymation Rudolph who is stepping on Bill O’Reilly as black people do their black African holiday whatevers in the background. The Jew Cookies see it all. This masterpiece, folks, accompanies “Bill O’Reilly’s Great American Holiday Quiz,” because suddenly you’re NOT ALLOWED to say “Merry Christmas” anymore, in America, because of the Prop 8 protesters. MORE »

Oh lord, what is happening here? Is the Elephant Man in the flower-print pillow-case mask the “grocery cart”? Which one’s Susan and which one’s Gabriela? Oh Arkansas, WTF? Ha ha, it is just a misplaced caption! This is really just a harmless photo from the terrorism in Mumbai! Thanks, “Xavier O,” for the tip. [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]

The silly DNC spent all of its cash on loser Jim Martin’s 800 losses in Georgia this year, so what do they do, right, they go to Obama and ask for a damn check, and then he e-mails us to hawk some more junk. “Obama for America” writes, “This holiday season, celebrate the historic accomplishment of our movement for change. Treat yourself or a loved one to a limited edition Obama fleece jacket.” It’s really the only appropriate celebration for such an historic accomplishment. They are $50, and if you do not buy one then you hate black people. [Barack Obama]

This actual press release from the North Carolina governor, a Demrat, has a lot more to say about dumb shit his family did over Christmas (mostly more woodworking), but we’ll stop here. Just wanted to balance the stupid of Iowa with that of some other… the Sout… Colorad… well anywhere else in the country.

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons. This week, he takes on the proliferation of lame Santa cartoons which might need to go away even more than the Christmas music that is still on rotation at the mall and makes us want to kill kill kill.

By now, those of you who celebrate Christmas, and even you anti-American communists who don’t, are sitting in a pile of wrinkled wrapping paper and cardboard boxes made possible by the miraculous figure who’s the real reason for the season. I’m talking, of course, about Santa Claus. The very fact that he travels all over the earth at hypersonic speeds in an open sleigh indicates that his body, long mocked as a “bowlful of jelly,” is actually perfectly designed for maximum malleability: he flattens into a disk at maximum speed, but once his transport drops down to a near-human velocity, he just snaps back into shape. Similarly, because Santa has worked so hard to be all things to all the world’s little children, his metaphorical image is almost as easy to squish into any desired shape. This week: too many cartoonists take advantage of Santa’s good nature and put him through things no jolly old elf should ever have to endure. MORE »