Tag: christmas

MERRY EFFING CHRISTMAS, COREY LEWANDOWSKI!

Who is making Corey Lewandowski a victim in the War On Christmas? WHO?

Donald Trump Big Fan Of 10-Year-Old Girls Getting Old Enough To Bang Donald Trump

You won't believe this, wait yes you will.

Stories Of Customers Who Ate Things They Really Weren’t Supposed To

Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. This week, we've got more stories of customers who ate the weirdest stuff possible. As always, these are real...

Christian College Officially No Longer Has To Deal With Gross Professor Who’s Nice To Muslims

Time for an Official Wonkette update on a story we brought you weeks back, about a political science professor from Illinois's Wheaton College, Larycia Hawkins, and her nasty proclivity for acting like Muslims are not only human beings, but also...
Nah gonna happen.

Marco Rubio So Sad New Yorkers Can’t Shoot Each Other In The Face All The Time

Marco Rubio's sassy little boots have a point to make again, about guns, again. See, Donald Trump made a YOOOGE LOL this weekend when he said, "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and...
Derp.

Marco Rubio Was Locked And Loaded For Christmas, In Case ISIS Came Down The Chimney

In the hearts, minds and soiled panties of America's Republicans, ISIS is lurking around every single corner, down every alley, and having a cookout in every good Christian cul-de-sac in U.S. America. That is, when it's not having rough,...

Texas Lady Told God To Send Tornadoes To Different Neighborhood And He Was Like ‘OK’

So, Christmas tornadoes were a thing this year, because global warming is fake and all those violent storms were just Jesus opening up His birthday presents. But one lady said, "Hey God, would you let me command the wind?" And...
By the time you see this, I will have had my first Crimmus!

Anna Duggar Wants You To Read Your Weekly Top Ten

Happy day after Christmas, Wonk-Wonks! Did Santa bring you all the dildos you asked for? Gee whiz, we hope so, but probably not, because you're reading this right now. Maybe you can find some at fire sale prices at...
Be an informed consumer: Funko's Celestia figurine looks great, but her mane gets in the way of her standing on all 4 hooves. The More You Know.

Deleted Comment Of Christmas Past: Get Your Jews Out Of My Sacred Baby Festival!

Here again for another year, the Greatest CHRISTmas Deleted Comment ever. You may remember that in 2014, a Springfield, Massachusetts, city councilor said, at the city's Hanukkah menorah lighting "Jesus is the reason for the season." By holly jolly...
But anybody can make one of these

Lo, Unto Bristol A Child Is Born: Hello, Sailor (Grace Eggnogg Palin)

It's a Festivus Miracle, just two days late: Abstinence activist Bristol Palin has brought forth from her holy loins a Second Immaculate Palin, a daughter named "Sailor Grace," although around here we'll be calling the miracle child by the...
OH YEAH BABY EAT IT

Here’s Your Wonkette Christmas Menu, To Put Inside Your Face

Happy Christmas Eve, elves and lady elves, are you in the mood for Wonkette to cram your throatholes with goodness? Then let's get our shopping lists ready so we can prepare the traditional Wonkette Christmas Feast, which has been...

Mike Huckabee Dreams Of Sugarplums, Hillary’s Vagina, For Christmas

Turns out the reason for the season is Hillary Clinton's vagina. Who knew? But all the Republican fellers can't stop yapping about Hillary's heyyy gurl -- which is very unfair to Jeb, somehow -- and Mike Huckabee wants to get in...
Bible lizard.

Bryan Fischer Knows Dinosaurs Are Really Just Ginormous Grandma Bible Lizards

Whatcha doin', Bryan Fischer? Solving science and convincing Wonkette that we have been completely wrong about this whole fundamentalist Christian thing, and just in time for the birth of Our Lord And Savior Baby Jesus, and also the afterbirth?...

Only Two Days Left To Steal Baby Jesus!

'Tis the season when you say "'tis," and also for news hole filler stories on important topics like how frequently Baby Jesus figurines get stoled from Nativity scenes, such as this story from Seattle's KIRO. Not that there's...

Here Is Your Heartwarming Christmas Tale Of Awful People Manipulating Poor Children

So the Washington Post, which just this weekend decided it was too hard to keep debunking awful internet hoaxes, apparently decided it is not too hard to maintain some repository of hot garbage called "Inspired Life," which features such...
There's still hope for you, Anna.

Anna Duggar Pretty Sure Jesus Will Keep It In Josh’s Pants From Now On

The Duggars are back on television, hooray and hurrah and Christmas is ruined now. Sunday night brought the second installment of "Duggars After Dark: Bonin' On," which in science fact is called "Jill And Jessa: Counting On." And Mrs....