Since you can’t wrap up ‘arrogant self-righteousness’ in a box, what do you get your pro-life friend for Christmas? Fast Company has found self-righteousness’s runner-up: A 3D fetus “figurine”! Holy drunken goatfucker, that is creepy. But wait! Like those infomercials you watch while high at 3 am, THERE’S MORE. READ MORE

As a special War On Boxing Day gift, we bring you this Canadian Broadcasting Corp. interview with Yaron Brook, the president and executive director of the Ayn Rand Institute. He was delighted to clear up a few things about Christmas, especially the idea that it’s become “too commercial”: I think the real true meaning of […]

Hey besties, Wow, it’s Crissmass again! So fun, espcially here in AK (that’s alaskan for Alaska) where Santa Klaze has his summer home and its so dark in winter, it makes me sad but then I go Tanning and it helps a lot, and I look tan then too which also is helps ya know. […]

My fellow Americans, Remember when you were really excited to get an email from me, even though you were pretty sure someone else wrote it? Me too. Those were good days. This Christmas, I thought it would be nice if I could give you that feeling again. The catch is that you have to help […]

Dear Patriot, This year, I was honored when you invited me into your home as the only man in Washington with the guts, the intelligence, the dedication, the bladder control, and the overall excellence to delay a routine budget agreement for many good reasons, especially Obamacare. Now, with Christmas upon us, I’m honored to invite […]

Sisters and brothers, This is the time of year when many of us celebrate holidays! I hope you are enjoying the one or ones you celebrate with any persons you hold dear. I know I am, with Bill and Chelsea and her husband Marc Mezvinsky. I’ll tell you — you haven’t played Scattegories until you’ve […]

Do you know we love you, Wonkers? Because we do. And not just because you send us all the money all the time, and let us buy Doktor Zoom and Snipy and booze and Obamacare. (It is mostly because you send us money all the time and let us buy Doktor Zoom and Snipy and […]

Dear Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter That Is Sometimes the Byproduct of Anal Sex, You, Rick Santorum, are wonderful. You are like Nelson Mandela. This year alone, you have delighted us with all of your frothy Santorumness. You learned us how if you cannot gaybash at our high school children, it is like […]

Ah, Christmas Eve. A time to attend church (assuming you are not a godless heathen), sing some Christmas carols, finish picking clean the carcass of various retail establishments in your scramble for last-minute gifts, gird yourself for Christmas dinner with your racist Uncle Red, get the kids into bed so you can stay up late […]

Hey Congress, watcha doing? Making laws and working hard, ahahahhaha, yeah right, pardon us and our humor. The House has already skipped town to go home and await the arrival of White Santa, and the Senate just finished voting on the two-year compromise budget resolution, which passed 57-33. A COMPROMISE?!?! Yep, it seems that Sen. […]

Thanks to a 9th-grade teacher in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, America now has its Official Stupidest Meme for the 2013 holiday season. Megyn Kelly’s teevee contribution to the idiocy was certainly the first and loudest, but an unnamed teacher at Cleveland High School gave “Don’t you know Santa Claus is white?” its definitive real-world test […]

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain […]

We are in the wrong bidness. For serious, we thought that blogging meant we could be drunk all the time (check), work in our pajamas (check), and rant semi-coherently with terible grammer (check and check). BUT YOU GUYS, we are officially quitting and joining the State Department, because you gotta see their benefits. As the […]

With Halloween behind us, there is a crisp, fresh feeling in the air. The kind of feeling that can only mean one thing: time to start capitalizing on other people’s deeply held religi-political beliefs to rake in boatloads of cash. Up in the sky, with a sleigh being pulled by flying caribou, is our favorite […]

Former Senator, presidential candidate, and Google punchline Rick Santorum thought it might be fun to run a movie studio, and now here is the trailer for the first feature churned out by his Christian production company, EchoLight Studios. It’s The Christmas Candle, a holly-jolly ye-olde family yarn with snowflakes, miracles, Good Simple 19th Century English […]