Tag Archives: christmas

  Do They Even Know It's Kwanzaa?

Obamas Can’t Help Dragging Race Into Kwanzaa Statement

Barack and Obama Michelle Obama have released their Annual Perfunctory Message for Kwanzaa: A “celebration highlighting the rich African American heritage and culture”? Why not just release Michelle’s “Whitey” tape while you’re at it, Barry? Read more on Obamas Can’t Help Dragging Race Into Kwanzaa Statement…
  Nobody Fucks With The Jesus

Neil deGrasse Tyson Trolls Christmas

In an undated file photo, Neil deGrasse Tyson gives the Wookiee salute popularized by Dr. Spock
Science nerd and general troublemaker Neil deGrasse Tyson ruined Christmas by tweeting mean things about the holiest day of all holy days: Why does Neil deGrasse Tyson hate children and try to make them sad? Needless to say, some parts of the Internet were Not Pleased: Read more on Neil deGrasse Tyson Trolls Christmas…
 

Deleted Comment Of The Holiday Season: Get Your Jews Out Of My Sacred Baby Festival

Be an informed consumer: Funko's Celestia figurine looks great, but her mane gets in the way of her standing on all 4 hooves. The More You Know.
Because it really couldn’t wait, we bring you this Extra Special CHRISTmas edition of our occasional visit to the comments queue. It seems that we were actually quite incorrect to have cast aspersions upon that Springfield, Massachusetts, city councilor who said, at the city’s Hanukkah menorah lighting “Jesus is the reason for the season.” Would-be commenter “Petermillman1,” whose IP address appears to place him in the Bay State, just wants to set us straight on this matter: Read more on Deleted Comment Of The Holiday Season: Get Your Jews Out Of My Sacred Baby Festival…
  God save us every one

New Congress Hero Saves Christmas From MUUUURDER, Amen

Republican Barry Loudermilk of Georgia is not even in Congress yet, and already, he just might be our favorite congressional wingnut. He believes all the right things: Obamacare is THE WORST, except for the IRS, which is also the worst; unborned fetuses and guns are THE BEST; and YAY values and God and the Bible, oh, and the Constitution too, and boo Hollywood. Yup, we expect great things from this new member of Congress. Read more on New Congress Hero Saves Christmas From MUUUURDER, Amen…
  Here have some news n stuff

President Obama Is Totally Into Science, IMPEACH!

Nerrrrrddddddd
Official White House Photo by Pete Souza Like it isn’t bad enough that President Obama believes in things like birth control, evolution, and climate change — now we find out the guy actually really likes science. Like a total geek: Read more on President Obama Is Totally Into Science, IMPEACH!…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week, Sarah Palin pumped out a lot of Christmas-themed content, showing us that it is truly better to give than to receive, so long as you’re giving to the Sarah Palin Channel. On closer inspection, all her Christmas videos are from the same filming session, thus further proving our theory that the Sarah Palin Channel is the most ruthlessly efficient grift going. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All…
  the eyes have it

Tear Your Own Eyeballs Out For This Christmas Recipe, St. Lucy’s Baked Swede

St. Lucy was a 4th century martyr from Sicily whose feast day we celebrate today, December 13. She was killed because the pagan man to whom she was betrothed found out that she was straight up giving her dowry away to poors. In defense of the powers that were, they only executed after a team of oxen was not strong enough to move her to their original idea for punishment: defilement at a local brothel. Even then, it took two attempts to kill her, as they could not get a pile of wood to ignite to burn her to death. Read more on Tear Your Own Eyeballs Out For This Christmas Recipe, St. Lucy’s Baked Swede…
  conservachristmas

Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life

Greetings, godless liberals! Since you don’t celebrate Christmas in your heathen belief system, you might not realize that the more upright members of society are using one of their “holy days” as a reason to spend the next two weeks exchanging bobbles and trinkets to signal fellowship and lord their financial prosperity over each other. Read more on Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life…
  Dreck The Halls

Is ‘Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas’ Truly The Worst Movie Ever? A Wonkette Investigation

Yes, it's very, very bad.
As fans of terrible movies and of rightwing Christianist propaganda, we’ve been looking forward to Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas for months now, but it was the news that it had achieved the dubious distinction of getting the lowest rating of any film on IMDB.com — ever — that finally drove us to the theater. Now, Kirk Cameron would have you believe that the low rating is in fact the result of a plot by atheists to destroy his movie (and maybe Christmas). There’s even an element of truth to the claim, especially if you replace atheists with internet trolls and destroy with relentlessly mock. Or maybe Cameron’s thanking atheists for all the free publicity. You know, reverse psychology. So yes, organized trolling has given Saving Christmas a historically low score. But is it truly the worst movie ever? Read more on Is ‘Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas’ Truly The Worst Movie Ever? A Wonkette Investigation…
  The Trouble With Timelords

Very Credible ‘Former Jihadist’ Saw Barack Obama Kissing Muslim Claus In A Mosque On Christmas

Don't be ridiculous -- Santa is white.
In a revelation that will be shocking proof to at least 12 or 13 wingnuts who were genuinely undecided on the question, we learn that Barack Obama has to be a Muslim because on Christmas, he totally attended a mosque in Washington DC instead of celebrating the Sacred Baby Festival like a real American. This revelation comes from rightwing darling Kamal Saleem, a fake ex-jihadist who is popular with some fundagelicals because he claims to have converted from being a radical Islamic terrist to doing Jihad for Jebus instead. Read more on Very Credible ‘Former Jihadist’ Saw Barack Obama Kissing Muslim Claus In A Mosque On Christmas…
  for the girl who has everything

Only 341 Days To Buy Us This Adorable, Non-Creepy 3-D Printed Fetus For Christmas

Since you can’t wrap up ‘arrogant self-righteousness’ in a box, what do you get your pro-life friend for Christmas? Fast Company has found self-righteousness’s runner-up: A 3D fetus “figurine”! Holy drunken goatfucker, that is creepy. But wait! Like those infomercials you watch while high at 3 am, THERE’S MORE. Read more on Only 341 Days To Buy Us This Adorable, Non-Creepy 3-D Printed Fetus For Christmas…
  and one is about orcs

Ayn Rand Institute Head Yaron Brook Just Loves How Commercial Christmas Has Gotten

As a special War On Boxing Day gift, we bring you this Canadian Broadcasting Corp. interview with Yaron Brook, the president and executive director of the Ayn Rand Institute. He was delighted to clear up a few things about Christmas, especially the idea that it’s become “too commercial”: I think the real true meaning of Christmas is benevolence towards man, and it’s gift giving and it’s the enjoyment and celebration of life. And I think that one important manifestation of that celebration for life, that benevolence, is the buying of gifts, is the lights and having a good time. And being consumers is part of that. People enjoy shopping, they enjoy shopping for themselves, they enjoy shopping for other people. It’s a very benevolent activity. It’s a win-win activity and I think that is the spirit of Christmas. Consumerism, properly understood, is exactly what Christmas is about. The CBC headlines its story “Sorry, Charlie Brown,” but not all is lost for the old Peanuts special. All they need to do is re-edit it so that Linus’s “That’s what Christmas is all about” speech is replaced with Charlie Brown’s little sister asking Santa for “tens and twenties,” because all she wants is what’s coming to her; all she wants is her fair share. Read more on Ayn Rand Institute Head Yaron Brook Just Loves How Commercial Christmas Has Gotten…
  actually this one is real

Words That Say Mery Crismass From Ur Gal Me Sarah Palim

Hey besties, Wow, it’s Crissmass again! So fun, espcially here in AK (that’s alaskan for Alaska) where Santa Klaze has his summer home and its so dark in winter, it makes me sad but then I go Tanning and it helps a lot, and I look tan then too which also is helps ya know. The hole Palin clam is just doing so great, Todd has been working on his Snowmachine for it seems like a week and try and make it fly in the air like a fake bird, that’s what he said at lease but I think he just likes to whack on it with a hamer and smell how it smells, the grease fums. Barstow is working hard at her stuff, Willy is cooking a jello, Gakk is playing with his foot, And all the rest of them are also too. Read more on Words That Say Mery Crismass From Ur Gal Me Sarah Palim…
  could you tell that this one was satire maybe?

Hey Folks, Merry Christmas From Your Old Buddy Barack

My fellow Americans, Remember when you were really excited to get an email from me, even though you were pretty sure someone else wrote it? Me too. Those were good days. This Christmas, I thought it would be nice if I could give you that feeling again. The catch is that you have to help me by pretending a few things. Pretend it’s early 2009 and the normal rules of politics for whatever reason don’t apply to a president you really, really like. Pretend that the Democrats still control every branch of government, and that the Democrats are actually interested in helping me fulfill my campaign promises. Pretend that you’re really excited for this thing called “Obamacare,” which is going to be great even though the idea came from a conservative think tank, Mitt Romney was the first guy to try it, and it depends on insurance companies not being total dicks. Can you imagine that? Read more on Hey Folks, Merry Christmas From Your Old Buddy Barack…
  yup still satire

I, Ted Cruz, Say You’re Welcome For Your Holy Christmas Freedoms, America

Dear Patriot, This year, I was honored when you invited me into your home as the only man in Washington with the guts, the intelligence, the dedication, the bladder control, and the overall excellence to delay a routine budget agreement for many good reasons, especially Obamacare. Now, with Christmas upon us, I’m honored to invite you into mine. I’m happy to report that the Cruz family is doing great. Heidi got a nice bonus from Goldman Sachs and even brought home a bunch of those canvas totes with the bank’s logo on them. We’ll probably donate them to the Salvation Army, because we love helping poor people as long as nobody is telling us how to do it. Meanwhile, Dad is getting the den ready for the Christmas flagellations, a Cruz family tradition. He got a new tarp this year, and he’s covering the furniture like a kid in a tarp store. We haven’t heard from mom in a while. I’m sure she’ll turn up. And the kids are making paper snowflakes. I keep telling them that snowflakes are supposed to be symmetrical, but they won’t listen. Maybe Santa will flagellate some sense into them! Read more on I, Ted Cruz, Say You’re Welcome For Your Holy Christmas Freedoms, America…
  this is the part where we explain that this is satire

Warmest Holiday-Themed Sentiments From Hillary Clinton

Sisters and brothers, This is the time of year when many of us celebrate holidays! I hope you are enjoying the one or ones you celebrate with any persons you hold dear. I know I am, with Bill and Chelsea and her husband Marc Mezvinsky. I’ll tell you — you haven’t played Scattegories until you’ve played it with us. So much yelling, what a hoot! I still miss Socks, though, remember Socks?  I do. Read more on Warmest Holiday-Themed Sentiments From Hillary Clinton…
  welcome to wonket we love you

An Unironic Snark-Free Appreciation Of You, Our Beloved Terrible Ones

Do you know we love you, Wonkers? Because we do. And not just because you send us all the money all the time, and let us buy Doktor Zoom and Snipy and booze and Obamacare. (It is mostly because you send us money all the time and let us buy Doktor Zoom and Snipy and booze and Obamacare.) Read more on An Unironic Snark-Free Appreciation Of You, Our Beloved Terrible Ones…
  No we're not being sarcastic except we are

Wonkette Wishes Rick Santorum A Totally Not Ironic Happy White Santa Holidays Full Of Frothy Jesus

Dear Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter That Is Sometimes the Byproduct of Anal Sex, You, Rick Santorum, are wonderful. You are like Nelson Mandela. This year alone, you have delighted us with all of your frothy Santorumness. You learned us how if you cannot gaybash at our high school children, it is like Hitler. And how kids are afraid to shower at the YMCA because they might have to hear icky words like “abortion.” And how flinging yourself all over Virginia turned out to not be excellent news for Ken Cuccinelli. And how you should maybe keep your day job of not having a day job and stay away from producing Christmassy movies. And how the First Amendment is intended to protect you — yes, you Rick, personally — from having to live in a country where women use birth control. And how, most important of all and relevant to 2016 cough cough wink wink, you understand now that the great lesson of 2012 is that you totally would have won if you hadn’t lost. Read more on Wonkette Wishes Rick Santorum A Totally Not Ironic Happy White Santa Holidays Full Of Frothy Jesus…
  santa claus is coming to...break right! break right!

NORAD To Track Santa Claus, Drive Glenn Greenwald To Write 50,000-Word Screed About Oppressive Government Surveillance

Ah, Christmas Eve. A time to attend church (assuming you are not a godless heathen), sing some Christmas carols, finish picking clean the carcass of various retail establishments in your scramble for last-minute gifts, gird yourself for Christmas dinner with your racist Uncle Red, get the kids into bed so you can stay up late drinking eggnog and wrapping their gifts. And oh yeah, watch as the United States military brings its formidable resources to bear on tracking an imaginary fat guy flying a sled pulled by a major Nordic food source. Welcome to NoradSanta.org, your web source for all the ways the North American Aerospace Defense Command will spend Christmas Eve making sure Santa and his reindeer can land on every load-bearing roof all over the world to bring little children their Batcave Playsets and Hello Kitty assault rifles. NoradSanta.org has all sorts of games and information about Santa and his work. You can download apps to your iPadRoid, presumably to track Santa’s flight. Additionally the site features adorable propaganda videos showcasing all the wonderful technology the military has on hand to keep the country safe from marauding jihadis, Russian nukes and corpulent North Pole dwellers who for one night every year make a mockery of our nation’s “defend your castle” laws. There are also promotional videos from Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence for some reason. What, Tiffany Brissette was busy? Read more on NORAD To Track Santa Claus, Drive Glenn Greenwald To Write 50,000-Word Screed About Oppressive Government Surveillance…
  christmas miracles

How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!

Hey Congress, watcha doing? Making laws and working hard, ahahahhaha, yeah right, pardon us and our humor. The House has already skipped town to go home and await the arrival of White Santa, and the Senate just finished voting on the two-year compromise budget resolution, which passed 57-33. A COMPROMISE?!?! Yep, it seems that Sen. Patty Murray (D-Sneakers) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-P90X) came together on a very small budget deal that will maybe possibly prevent a government shutdown. Congress has been fellating itself all week because that’s what you do when you accomplish ONE GODDAM THING. We bet you want to know what is in this budget, don’t ya? Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!…