Tag Archives: Christine O’Donnell

  Here have some news n stuff

If Only Every Convicted Felon Had A Governor For A Dad, Huh?

Hey, Mr. Governor, can you do me a solid? And can I call you Dad?
Via screen grab Imagine you’re in your early 20s, you live in Arkansas, and you get busted for possession of marijuana, with “intent to deliver.” Maybe that means you’re a dealer, or maybe it’s just your turn to pick up a sack for your friends, and also a pizza while you’re out, bro. Who knows? Now you’re a felon, and that sure sucks, especially because it’s a non-violent, victimless crime, and really, shouldn’t we just decriminalize marijuana anyway because wow is this a waste of time and resources and what is the big damned deal about weed anyway? If your name is Kyle Beebe, that’s probably what you’ve been thinking since 2003, when you got busted and had to pay fines and serve three years of supervised probation. But then, if your name is Kyle Beebe, you can also write a real nice letter to your dad the governor to make it go away. Read more on If Only Every Convicted Felon Had A Governor For A Dad, Huh?…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Paul Ryan Has A ‘Book,’ Bald Eagle Poop Isn’t Purple, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Good morning, everything is terrible again. Hooray, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-His Butt) has a new book out, called How I Learned To Stop Caring What Jesus Actually Had To Say Because I Sure Do Hate The Poors, or whatever he’s calling it, who cares? Courtesy of The Agenda Project Action Fund, please enjoy the original book cover above. You’re welcome. Read more on Paul Ryan Has A ‘Book,’ Bald Eagle Poop Isn’t Purple, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  i'm you

Dammit, Jim, Christine O’Donnell Isn’t A Witch, She’s A Washington Times Columnist (And You)

We suppose we can’t really begrudge has-been wingnut idiot and failed 2010 Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell for kicking off her new Washington Times column with yet another variation on the one thing she’s actually known for, that dumb “I’m Not a Witch” ad. Hell, if Bill “Ray J. Johnson” Saluga made a standup career out of one stupid line, why not? And so here is Christine O’Donnell, insisting yet again that once we get to know her, the smell of limeade belches and dirty socks will dissipate and we’ll like her really a lot: After my speaking engagements, the comments I hear the most are some variation of, “You’re nothing like I thought you’d be! I can’t believe how much I agree with you,” or, even better, “I actually like you.” The first few times I heard these, I responded with a blank stare and muttered, “Umm, thank you?” while thinking to myself, “What the heck did he think I’d be like?” (Don’t answer that!) Haha, get it? THAT is where you are supposed to answer “A witch!” and chuckle to yourself. Actually, what we expected was the blank stare, so good going with that. Read more on Dammit, Jim, Christine O’Donnell Isn’t A Witch, She’s A Washington Times Columnist (And You)…
  most anticipated sequel of the year

Elizabeth Warren Stars In ‘Scott Brown Gets His Butt Kicked 2: Electric Booglaoo’

We cannot tell you how excited we are to have Scott Brown to kick around again as he’s now going to flail his way through running for Senate in New Hampshire. Yesterday, Maureen Dowd explained to us that Democrats were secretly super scared of a Brown run, except we all know he will not win, which is a weird definition of “scared.” We spent yesterday in prayer hoping that somehow the complete pantsing of Scott Brown this time around would include Elizabeth Warren again, because she did such a great job of it in Massachusetts. Our sky god loves us because our wishes were granted. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Stars In ‘Scott Brown Gets His Butt Kicked 2: Electric Booglaoo’…
  Land of the Lost

Handsome Losers Scott Brown, Joe Miller Running For Office Again, But Where Is Christine O’Donnell?

The best man to represent wherever he happens to land
FRIDAY TWOFER OF SHAME! Part I: Scott Brown, that handsome former Senator fellow who once accused Elizabeth Warren of masquerading as a Red Indian, is expected to “launch an exploratory committee for a U.S. Senate bid in New Hampshire,” which is weird because we thought he already did something like that? And he drew a bigger crowd of protesters than supporters? Bqhatevwr, we’re sure he knows what he’s grifting. But who is Part II of your Handsome Loser twin billing, besides a man called “Joe Miller”? IT IS JOE MILLER, that Alaska stubble-faced frontiersman who went to Yale and once (“allegedly”) wrongfully imprisoned a reporter, for asking him a question! Read more on Handsome Losers Scott Brown, Joe Miller Running For Office Again, But Where Is Christine O’Donnell?…
  green eggs and slam

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Sexy CPAC Edition

Hello! Still bleary-eyed from losing that hour of sleep? Us too! We’re going to blame that for any missteps in this week’s Sunday Times roundup. First off, of course, is the big exciting political news that beloved conervative bullyboy icon Rand Paul won the CPAC straw poll, which means soon he will be your president, just like Mitt Romney. Coming in second was the illustrious Ted Cruz, who probably lost the nod because Sarah Palin grifted away with a version of his nonsense usage of Green Eggs and Ham schtick. Poor Ted. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Sexy CPAC Edition…
  bewitched

Witch Endorses Cultist

Regretful teen-aged witch Christine O’Donnell has endorsed bland gazillionaire flip-flopper Mitt Romney — or, to the Newt Gingrich campaign, Mitt Romney the cultist. Why endorse Mitt? According to O’Donnell’s appearance on CNN this morning, it’s because “He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” Uhh. Read more on Witch Endorses Cultist…
  political drinking games

Iowa Democrats Make Fun Internet Drinking Game Mocking Tea Party

Happy Labor Day weekend! Here is a fun “we just made this into a drinking game” Internet website from the Iowa Democratic Party that asks visitors to read a hilariously krazy quote and guess which nutbag GOP personality said it. It’s slightly harder than it looks! We’ll share some tips after the jump! Read more on Iowa Democrats Make Fun Internet Drinking Game Mocking Tea Party…
  grifter farm team

Five Brave Souls Attend Christine O’Donnell Book Signing In Florida

Nimrod second-tier grifter Christine O’Donnell is trying desperately to sell her dumb book about how to knit homemade dildos Xtine’s Tea Party expertise, which ranks somewhere below the sequence of random numbers and letters in a license plate database for its contribution to policy. A crowd of four teabaggers showed up to her book signing in Naples, Florida to meet her, plus one guy who asked her to sign a copy of his devil worship handbook, which she refused to do. (Haha, we like this guy.) 2012 preseason grifter tryouts are coming to a close, and we don’t see her making the cut. Maybe it’s time to just go back to selling vibrators and sorcery manuals on Amazon, Christine? Read more on Five Brave Souls Attend Christine O’Donnell Book Signing In Florida…
  crazy sex people

Christine O’Donnell Calls Piers Morgan ‘Rewd,’ Storms Out of Interview

Touchy grifter dingbat Christine O’Donnell went on CNN to blather a bunch of Tea Party garbage nobody is interested in hearing from a person who is chiefly famous for masturbating and flip-flopping her stance on magic. CNN host Piers Morgan indulges her fantasy briefly until probably falling asleep on air and then finally asks, oh whatever, can you talk to us about sex or something? How about the gays? How do you feel about teh gayz? NOT COOL, you are supposed to ask me about economic policy, Christine says. Fine, Piers Morgan responds, how about brooms or dildos? It pretty much all goes “downhill/uphill for comedy” from there until Christine storms out. What are some other fun moments? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Calls Piers Morgan ‘Rewd,’ Storms Out of Interview…
  hollywood witches

Christine O’Donnell Attacks Her Own Witch Commercial, Which Was the Only Good Thing She Ever Did

Some newsroom intern in Delaware lost a bet and had to skim Christine O’Donnell’s latest attempt to cash in on her three failed Senate campaigns — “her 358-page book.” Worst assignment ever! Other than a few hundred pages of generic Tea Party filler, O’Donnell is mostly sad about her own hilarious “I’m not a witch” ad, which she very unconvincingly claims she somehow didn’t approve, even though she’s in the ad, reading the dumb lines, and also she’s copied on all her campaign staff emails approving the commercial. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Attacks Her Own Witch Commercial, Which Was the Only Good Thing She Ever Did…
  who says magic isn't real?

Christine O’Donnell Amazon Page Mostly Dildos and Witchcraft Books

What is this Internet Magick right here? The little Internet djinn are good-humored today and casting spells on Christine O’Donnell’s Amazon related products page for everyone’s amusement. This is apparently referred to as an “Amazon bomb,” but that just feels so military industrial. How about an “Amazon sorcery orgasm” or something a little less war-like and a little more, “we enjoyed that, thank you.” Is this possibly connected to the upcoming Christine O’Donnell’s audio book going on sale next week? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Amazon Page Mostly Dildos and Witchcraft Books…
  christine didn't go 'anywhere'

Christine O’Donnell Reminds Everyone She Still Wants Some of Their Money

Oh, look what nonsense is filling up our inbox already this morning! Unemployed sorceress Christine O’Donnell is out and about grifting with the pros these days, hawking her new memoir that some Tea Party guy thinks you should buy out of “love and support” for this person you had almost entirely forgotten existed until she started whining to everyone again that she still does not have that job America owes her. Christine knows all about our founding fathers, probably not like some other unemployed grifters you may have heard about, and would you please reward Christine now? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Reminds Everyone She Still Wants Some of Their Money…
  ms. dos

Christine O’Donnell Blames Living Off Campaign Funds On Bad Software

According to former U.S. Senate candidate-witch Christine O’Donnell, her troubles over her fundraising reports are due to “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used by her campaign. Computers, you see, are dumb, and Christine O’Donnell is smart. Does this explain how the computer decided to rent out a townhouse for her on the campaign’s dime? No. And even if the computer did rent out the place, did she just go, “Oh, you’re paying rent for me on a townhouse, computer? That’s so nice of you! If you have certain manly needs, computer, let me know. That means I will have sex with you, if you can’t understand innuendo.” What kind of finance software just “automatically” buys you homes and groceries anyway? Was she using The Sims? THAT’S NOT BOOKKEEPING SOFTWARE. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Blames Living Off Campaign Funds On Bad Software…
  'i'm not a witch'

Christine O’Donnell’s Hawt Witch Porno, ‘Trouble Maker,’ Drops August 16

Unemployed nobody Christine O’Donnell used to masturbate in a “witch costume” just like any uptight gal in the 1980s, but her dumb new ghost-written book — witch-written book? — won’t be about anything good like that. Instead, this nincompoop lady will have her picture on a book about “what it takes to make America great again.” Read more on Christine O’Donnell’s Hawt Witch Porno, ‘Trouble Maker,’ Drops August 16…
  gotta get paid

Christine O’Donnell Bravely Refuses To Be On TeeVee Dancing Show

Delaware clown-fish Christine O’Donnell used to go on the teevee all the time because hey, free snacks backstage! Maybe even a few hundred bucks! And she would just say whatever popped up in her weird head — masturbation, “dates” beneath Satanic alters, other witch issues. But, apparently, Christine O’Donnell had a brief moment of self-awareness today and sent out this press release saying she wouldn’t continue her reality-teevee comedy career by appearing as the “new Bristol Palin” on the program Dancing With the Stars. The press release was actually just an email from her ridiculous attempt at starting a Political Action Committee to pay her mortgage and Zappos’ bills. Wait a minute, could these things be related in some way? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Bravely Refuses To Be On TeeVee Dancing Show…
  all about the benjamins

Christine O’Donnell Finally Launches PAC To Pay Her Mortgage & Pizza Bills

Poor little witch girl Christine O’Donnell never has any money. It sucks, because you need money to do stuff, like pay rent or buy ladybug costumes. So Christine figured out she could just run for various political offices she’ll never ever win, and then old wingnuts who “think she’s cute” will send her money, which can then be used at the grocery or the mall or wherever — pretty much anyplace that takes money in exchange for goods and services! Sadly, the end of yet another failed campaign means the donations dry up. Luckily, Christine heard of this scam called the “Political Action Committee,” which is basically a PayPal directly to your overdrafted basic checking account. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Finally Launches PAC To Pay Her Mortgage & Pizza Bills…
  wizarding wars

Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors

Christine O’Donnell’s lawyer has told the FEC that she will be going through O’Donnell’s campaign spending records to “fix” things. So the FBI really doesn’t even need to investigate her, because all of the money spent on her daily stock of Lean Cuisines will suddenly be moved under some innocuous-sounding part of the records. Everything is all fixed! Christine O’Donnell did have a way to make a living during all those years running for the Senate, and it wasn’t taking money out of her campaign contributions or selling stories about her pubic hair to Gawker. This was all one big misunderstanding! Though when this sort of thing happens, it just makes you sound more guilty. Read more on Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors…
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America In Crisis: 2010’s Dumbest Political Videos, Part II

Many tried to top the Epic Comedy of Christine O’Donnell’s actual political commercial about being a witch, but only one brave man could approach the occult pathos of the Delaware Masturbation Witch’s official campaign advertisements, and that was this guy. Who else made us ashamed in 2010? Oh pretty much everybody, but these six videos won the Special Olympics. Read more on America In Crisis: 2010’s Dumbest Political Videos, Part II…
  there's a conspiracy by everyone to not like her!

Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden

Christine O’Donnell has put out a press release about her investigation by the FBI for misuse of her campaign funds, spent on personal expenses and a hovel-condo where she cooked lost children, presumably. Somehow, the press has not taken this statement and immediately reprinted the important facts it has brought to light. “So given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment just so happens to be the Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table.” Aha! Joe Biden has mixed up and fed to the unassuming FBI a potion that makes them go after only America’s very best patriots. Read more on Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden…
  top ramen larceny

FBI To Put Christine O’Donnell In Azkaban For Campaign Fraud

An anonymous source has told AP that perennial Senate witch Christine O’Donnell is under investigation by the FBI for campaign fraud. Which is too bad, because the entire news media would like to high-five this source right now. So how did the crack FBI team figure out that O’Donnell was “using campaign money to pay personal expenses”? Perhaps they talked to someone who has read any news story about her ever, aside from those about the precise blueprints of her vaginal bat cave. Is the entire Tea Party gang and its fundraising prowess nothing more than the result of an illegal witch spell? Read more on FBI To Put Christine O’Donnell In Azkaban For Campaign Fraud…