Christine Beatty, former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s former chief of staff and the woman on receiving end of Kilpatrick’s repeated inducements to meet him for some sexytime at the Benz Chili Bowl, got all suited up in a DEMURE RED SWEATER VEST and delivered a heartfelt apology to the people of Detroit after pleading guilty to two felonies. She betrayed the public trust by lying about her affair with this terrible doofus, who himself lied about a whole bunch of things (some of them actually consequential), and they both got caught, the end. The moral of the story is this: never sleep with anyone who thinks LOL is an actual word. [Detroit Free Press]

Let us revert our attention back to the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and his human foibles for some time today. Kilpatrick — the greatest mayor in American history — was indicted earlier this year for perjury, obstruction of justice and “conspiracy” along with his former chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Kilpatrick happened to be shtupping Beatty several years ago, and then some city officials got wind of it, and then Kilpatrick fired those city officials for… being lame? And then Kilpatrick and Beatty both completely lied about the nature of these firings in investigative hearings last year. But it was those text messages, those sexy text messages, that the two had exchanged back and forth that did them in. Now an 18-page memo has been released listing all of the good text messages Beatty and Kilpatrick shared. Let’s read them, LOL LOL! MORE »

Kwame Kilpatrick — the mayor of America’s healthiest, most booming major city, Detroit — is in TOO much trouble. A series of hot steamy text messages between Kilpatrick and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty, more or less proves that they were fucking, like, a lot. Allegedly. Furthermore, both the mayor and Beatty had denied any sort of sexual relationship in testimony last summer during a “police whistle-blower” trial that cost the city $9 million. Now there may be all sorts of perjury charges and scrutiny and blah blah blah snooze. That’s a waste of our time; instead, let’s check out some of these sexy text messages! MORE »