Remember way back in JANUARY when math-hating yokel Mike Huckabee looked, for about five minutes, like he might win the Republican presidential nomination? Soon you’ll be able to relive the magic all over again, because he is writing a book, about his campaign! He’ll share secrets like how to gain 35 pounds on the campaign trail without even trying; how to talk your wife into putting a paper bag over her head during Jesus-approved procreative activities; and why Chuck Norris would have made the best Treasury Secretary since Alexander Hamilton. MORE »

When God decided that fundamentalist Christians would have to be poor and obese, he gave them a consolation prize: Their churches could have tacky letterboard signs out front, just like those equipment rental warehouses out on the frontage road or county highway. These signs are used to share comical slogans with the heathens who race by in their fancy foreign cars with “airbags” and “valid registrations.” One such church in South Carolina recently put up this great message: OBAMA OSAMA HUMM ARE THEY BROTHERS, apparently meaning it to say, “Obama and Osama — Hmm, are they brothers?” MORE »

Many have commented on this strange new ticking time-bomb version of MikeHuckabee.com. It appears that he is not nuking the earth with space rockets, as most assumed. Instead, he is starting some strange new right-wing christian “political organization,” because Lord knows we need more of that. He’ll explain it tonight on a conference call, to nobody. [MikeHuckabee.com, Jonathan Martin]

Last month in New Orleans, a secret cabal of leaders from the Christian right met to discuss their evil plans. Among them was Paul Weyrich, a big wig with the Moral Majority, Heritage Foundation and the super-secret Council for National Policy. Weyrich had previously supported Mittens “Mitt” Romney, and took the occasion to apologize for not supporting Mike Huckabee, the bass-playing Arkansas ex-fattie who people only liked because he told comical jokes written by your grandfather. MORE »

The Oklahoma Republican who charmed her way into America’s heart by denouncing the Gay Menace is now getting angry emails from people who want her dead. But instead of just coming right out and saying it, letter-writers beat around the bush with a bunch of doublespeak. MORE »

You might think that wiretaps, IRS investigations, and prostitutes led to New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s current difficulties, but in fact it was God, via the Family Research Council. The conservative FRC never liked Spitzer and his abortion-loving ways, so to fight back they did the only sensible thing: they prayed to the Lord to nail that flaming charlatan’s balls to the blessed Rock of Gibraltar. MORE »

St. Barack Obama is sick of you redneck losers saying he’s a Secret Muslim because you got an email from your unemployed brother-in-law in Idaho — you know, the same Coors-sodden loser who forwards you the stuff about how Bill Clinton did 9/11 and NASA faked the moon landing because they are all FREEMASONS. Really, Obama has had it with you white trash and your halfwit notions. MORE »

Memphis voters in the 9th Congressional District got a shockingly anti-Semitic flyer in the mail urging them to vote against Democratic Rep. Steve Cohen. “Memphis Congressman Steve Cohen and the JEWS HATE Jesus,” it announces. Why does Barack Obama allow this to happen? MORE »

You know that whole “He’s in heaven now” thing people say after somebody dies? It’s not true. Nobody’s in heaven. That’s the shocking conclusion of Bishop N.T. Wright, one of those people who actually believes in the Bible and Christianity. And you know who really pisses him off? Maria Shriver, the trophy Kennedy wife of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Shriver wrote some dumb childrens’ book claiming that “good people” go to Heaven after they die. It’s a lie! They’re all still dead. Unless they’re Jesus, apparently. MORE »

Today was the big Abortion Thingy on The Mall! Yay! Since my day job is right in the middle of it, I decided to go all photojournalisty on you. And what did I learn? First of all, these people couldn’t possibly be whiter. Also: What they lack in spelling skills, they make up for in juvenile voter fraud! Plus, of course, there were Paultards. To quote John Waters, I wish I were a girl so that I could get an abortion! More pictures after the jump…

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Hey look kids, Mike Huckabee called involuntary Christianity a “spiritual rape.” Thank you, Michael, for describing your would-be presidency in the most accurate two-word phrase the English language can produce. And thanks to the “United Homos” for this lovely piece of cinema. [YouTube]