Tag Archives: christians

  Your morning cup of wut?

Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's always been a great dancer
Would you like to start your day with some laughs, some tears, or maybe just go straight to the drinking? Of course you would! And we are here to help. You know things in Ferguson have gotten really ugly when CNN’s Don Lemon almost got arrested: Read more on Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Onward Christian Soldier

Hero Minister Wants Christians To Get Spiritually ‘Violent,’ Because It’s Working So Well In Nigeria

Remember John Hagee, John McCain’s favorite Bible-humping lunatic pastor who, like any good Christian, believes the Catholic Church is the “great whore” and Hitler was God’s personal hunter, sent to Earth to kill all the Jews except for maybe five, who were then chased to Israel so they could bring about the Christpocalypse? Of course you do! As if all of that weren’t bad enough, worst of all, he is pals with Joe Lieberman. Anyhoo, John begat a son named Matthew, and Matthew-Son-of-John seems to take after his dad in that he is a) nuts, b) very confused about Jesus, and c) super fucking nuts. On yesterday’s “Hagee Hotline,” Matthew Hagee called on conservative Christians to become more “spiritually violent” in fighting against things like gay marriage and abortion because secularists who support such things have “become violent with people of faith.” Read more on Hero Minister Wants Christians To Get Spiritually ‘Violent,’ Because It’s Working So Well In Nigeria…
  Opt-in To Jesuscare

Christian ‘Insurance’ Company Will Not Cover Your ‘Un-Biblical Lifestyles,’ Like Having Boobs

Are you one of those idiots who wants to opt-out of health insurance because that will really show mean ol’ Obama he can’t stop you from freedom drowning in a freedom sea of freedom medical debt because freedom? (Put your hand down, Rep. Louie Gohmert, we already know you are A Idiot.) Well, here is an awesome health insurance plan — that is NOT a health insurance plan, says the president of the health insurance plan — for just those kinds of idiots: “It isn’t insurance; it’s a nationwide network of Christians who save money by sharing each other’s medical bills. We get to pick our own doctors, and our share is almost 40 percent less than our old premium. … Medi-Share is a health-sharing ministry, which makes it exempt from the health reform laws.” And just what kind of un-freedomy health reform laws does Medi-Share exempt itself from? The coverage doesn’t include products of “un-Biblical lifestyles,” such as contraception or substance rehab, or some preventive medicine, including colonoscopies and annual mammograms. Those policies lead to lower costs for all members, Meggs said. Well, sure, of course eliminating basic coverage of un-Biblical things like boobies and butts would lead to lower costs. It’s brilliant, really. Only sinners who do not follow the Bible need mammograms anyway, right? If you’re living the clean Biblical life, no worries! Plus, refusing to cover people with pre-existing conditions really cuts down on the cost. Now that you are dying to know how you can get in on this sweet, sweet non-coverage coverage, it’s super simple. Read more on Christian ‘Insurance’ Company Will Not Cover Your ‘Un-Biblical Lifestyles,’ Like Having Boobs…
  History 101

Rep. Louie Gohmert Still Yammering About Christian Countries Or Whatever

Good morning, godless heathens who are destroying America with your godless heathenism! Whatcha doin’? Destroying America with your godless heathenism? Yeah, we thought so. And Texas Rep. Louis Gohmert, perpetual contender for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, would sure like you to stop doing that. Gohmert is one of the mostest greatest deep thinking deep thinkers of our time, who is A Expert on all matters of importance in this day and age, including caribou sexytime, how the damned poors get fat on crab legs with their food stamps, and why, just hypothetically speaking, Congress should maybe impeach President Obama if he ever lets Republicans force him to default on America’s debt. So how is Gohmert trying to help us save us from ourselves and the total destruction of these United States? Supporting increasing the minimum wage? Encouraging the uninsured to enroll in Obamacare? Free abortion on demand? Hahaha, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Gohmert’s save America plan today is so much simpler than all that commie nonsense. Read more on Rep. Louie Gohmert Still Yammering About Christian Countries Or Whatever…
  they will know we are christians by our hate

Bigoted Bakery Goes Buh-Bye

It’s a bad day for bigots out there today. We are having a super-duper SAD because Sweet Cakes by Melissa is closing its doors, according to KOIN.com. You don’t remember them? They are one of the bakeries that is being persecuted because they didn’t want to make wedding cakes for fags, lesbos, queers, and other abominable people, because JESUS. Rather than continuing to fight for their right to party discriminate, they are shutting their doors. Yr Wonket even highlighted them in our post-DOMA story about Tony Perkins being a terrible person. Well, our advocacy/snark campaign worked, so we would like to claim ALL THE CREDIT for ridding Gresham, Ore., of this establishment. You’re welcome.  Read more on Bigoted Bakery Goes Buh-Bye…
  first they came for the washed up comedians

Victoria Jackson Warns Bill O’Reilly That Communists Will Kill All The Jesus Any Day Now

Victoria Jackson went on Bill O’Reilly’s teevee show Wednesday and pulled off her signature alchemy again — making whoever she’s talking to seem lucid and reasonable by comparison. (OK, it doesn’t always work.) In this latest visit to the mind of Victoria Jackson, we learn that she remembers reading Orwell in high school and that she expects that Communists are on the verge of killing her and all the Christians real soon now. Read more on Victoria Jackson Warns Bill O’Reilly That Communists Will Kill All The Jesus Any Day Now…
  What do you mean WE white man?

Bible-Humpers Have Major Sad That Movie About Tonto Not Actually About Jesus

Oh, Jesus H. Gerunding Christ, really? REALLY?!?! In an interview with The Christian Post, Dr. Ted Baehr, chairman of the Christian Film and Television Coalition and Editor-in-Chief of Movieguide, attacked [The Lone Ranger‘s] “strong mixed pagan, revisionist, politically correct worldview.” “The government is bad – the army is killing Indians – the bad guy is a businessman, the military-industrial complex is bad,” he explained, finishing the list with a notable exception – “the Christians are not always bad.” Nevertheless, “the pagan elements triumph because you’re looking at it from Tanto’s point of view.” He used “pagan” as a generic term for non-Christian, unidentified spirituality. “It’s not Buddhism, it’s not Hinduism, it’s a mishmash.” “There’s a lot of humor in the film, much at the expense of some of the Christians,” he added, also mentioning the villain “who prays in the name of Jesus before he goes off slaughtering people.” Aww, shit no, not a politically correct worldview in which the army killed Indians (but, like, didn’t the army actually kill Indians?) and the military-industrial complex is bad (but, like, isn’t it?) and the Indians do not pray to Jesus (but, like … oh fucking forget it already). Now, full disclosure, we have not seen this movie, and we understand from, like, all the reviews everywhere, that it is very bad and should feel bad, but we are pretty sure that portraying the army genociding Indians to death is not actually one of the reasons. Because, you know, that actually happened. And we are also pretty sure that portraying Indians in an insufficiently Christian light is also not one of the reasons because, um, the Indians were not actually Christians? We think? We will double-check our Howard Zinn, but we are pretty sure we’re right about this one. Read more on Bible-Humpers Have Major Sad That Movie About Tonto Not Actually About Jesus…
  putting food on your family

Congress Argues Over Whether Bible Allows Giving Free Food to Poors

Good news for the 15% of Americans who make up the Poors: Our elected representatives have done a close reading of the Constitution the Bible and magnanimously decided that it’s OK to give a few food stamps to poor people so they don’t starve, but not too many. Of course, it was not an open-and-shut case, so it took around nine hours of deliberation to figure this out, including a friendly discussion of Biblical exhortations and their articulation in the 21st-century American context. Questions under consideration included, but were not limited to, a textual analysis of Matthew 25, epistemological differences on whether we can infer that Biblical mandates– directed at a pre-industrial, pre-modern community of Jews bound by kinship networks and patriarchal instantiations of authority– apply to contemporary institutions devised for the purposes of collective government, and varying interpretations of Matthew 26’s reference to Poors as “always among us” (ew). Read more on Congress Argues Over Whether Bible Allows Giving Free Food to Poors…
  american horror story: asylum

Hitler Obama Deports Religious Home-Schoolers To Germany, Even Though They Are Not Even Mexican

Having already made war on the First Amendment’s freedom of speech and the First Amendment’s freedom of the press, now it is time for Adolf Hitler Obama to fuck with the OTHER part of the First Amendment, the one that proclaims freedom of and from religion. How is he murdering Christians today? Is he putting them in concentration camps? YES. By which we mean a judge decided that Germany not letting its citizens home-school their kids does not really rise to the level of persecution for which you can receive asylum here. Uh oh. We smell some derp, and it is headed right for us. Read more on Hitler Obama Deports Religious Home-Schoolers To Germany, Even Though They Are Not Even Mexican…
  which kind of feminist are you?

Jesus: Don’t Let Your Daughters Go To College To Turn Into Ugly Feminist Whores

We are sure these Christian radio hosts were not trying to gift us with the joy of laughter, the heartiest, most cleansing laughs we have had in weeks. We believe they are quite serious, as they prove without a doubt the link between letting your daughter go to college and her ugly feminist professors turning her into a family-destroying, child-hating, ugly, angry feminist whore. In fact, if they could see us, sitting at our monitor, drinking our fair-trade shade-grown organic French roast coffee in our Stylish Urban Loft Of Destroying the Family and Whoring, and they could see our happy, beaming VERY ANGRY face, they would probably get even angrier than they are now, and that is really saying something. Give them just shy of five minutes of your time. You’ll be so glad MAD you did! Read more on Jesus: Don’t Let Your Daughters Go To College To Turn Into Ugly Feminist Whores…
  ain't no treaty this time

A Declaration Of War On Christmas

For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter. The time has arrived, as it does every year, for America to be besieged by that familiar and insidious enemy: Christmas. We have endured its tyranny for 2,000 years, with its manger scenes, its mint-flavored everything, its bearded occupation of J.C. Penny locations nationwide. Christmas flaunts its influence from the gilded trees in suburban bay windows across our land, mocking us while hijacking the radio waves for reindeer idolatry and the glorification of little boys with drums. And we shall suffer it no longer. Though its supporters have long bemoaned “attacks” on this, the worst of all seasons, Christmas has never felt the wrath of the people, the power of the oppressed masses. We shall rise up. We shall fight back. Before the media warns us for another year of the stealth “War on Christmas,” we shall make it clear. We shall, officially, declare war on Christmas. Read more on A Declaration Of War On Christmas…
  jesus loves you (to murder everyone)

Wives! Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can Kill ‘Em, According to Charismatic ‘Ex’-Gay Christian-Orgy Cult Leader

Tyler Deaton is a handsome young man. He met his wife, Bethany, in prayer group at college. He was so charismatic that by his senior year, he’d convinced a bunch of hot dudes to leave the school-sanctioned Christian fellowship at Southwestern in Texas, and join him in Kansas City instead, so they could be close to the International House of Prayer, which had a kickin’ youth fellowship, mega-awesome Christian jamz, and the kind of “gays-are-demons” stances that appeal to young “ex”-gays. Once in Kansas City, they started meeting for Wednesday night prayer meetings and (ALLEGED) hot gay “spiritual” sex parties and (ALLEGED) Bethany-drugging, -raping, and -beating. “He believed God could fix things,” a student said. That included, Deaton told people, fixing himself. One of his group’s stark positions on Scripture was that homosexuality was wrong. Deaton’s stance against it weighed heavily because members said he had “struggled with being gay.” “He struggled with it, but he overcame it,” a member of his group at Southwestern said. “It was a victory.” Her husband having overcome his homosexuality (except for the part where being ex-gay means you can’t bone dudes), in October, Bethany unaccountably killed herself. Or did she? (Hint: She probably did not?) Read more on Wives! Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can Kill ‘Em, According to Charismatic ‘Ex’-Gay Christian-Orgy Cult Leader…
  take a peakey at leakey

Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church

Teeny-tiny little “non-denominational” (FUCKIN’ CHRISTIAN, BOY) Church in the Valley of Leakey, Texas, has a new sign up welcoming everyone but Barack Obama. The sign reads, “Vote for the Mormon, not the Muslim! The capitalist, not the communist!” That marquee standing outside a non-denominational church has become the talk of the town in Leakey — about 90 miles northwest of San Antonio. The Church in the Valley is run by Pastor Ray Miller. Miller declined an interview but did say the sign was solely his idea. He said he changes the sign weekly and this isn’t the first bold statement to be displayed. The pastor said he feels strongly about the upcoming presidential election and feels the message on the marquee speaks for itself. Yes, in that it says, quite loudly, “I do not want my tax exemption any more and am also a terrible dinner companion.” Read more on Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church…
  i ain't no ape soda man

The Lord Jesus Hates Dr Pepper And You Should Too

Hello, and welcome to yet another segment on people who have completely lost perspective! Today’s guests are “Christians mad at soda.” It all started with an advertisement posted on Facebook Thursday afternoon. It was silly, as advertisements for bubbly sugar-water are wont to be, and depicted Dr Pepper turning a primate into a homo sapien with the power of its deliciousness — “the evolution of flavor.” Did any you viewers home catch it? Did any of you catch the horrible thing? You got it folks — Dr Pepper said “evolution.” Read more on The Lord Jesus Hates Dr Pepper And You Should Too…
  all talk no stonings

‘Christian’ Pastors Who Want To Overturn Hate Crimes Act Will Have To Put Their Stones Where Their Mouths Are

So there are three “Christian” pastors who wanted the courts to invalidate the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Hate Crimes Prevention Act because “thought crimes,” so they filed suit with the total asshole Thomas More Law Center, saying basically “WAH, Orwell and stuff! Animal Farm! Two legs bad! We will not be able to urge the stoning of homosexuals as prescribed in Leviticus!” and the court was all “yeah, idiots, you do not have standing to sue to overturn this law unless you are actually wanting to drag a man behind your car? You do not actually want to drag a man behind your car, do you? You just want to say hateful shit? STILL PROTECTED, and you got no standing to sue.” (The court did describe the “Christian” pastors’ speech as “hateful” before noting that about two thirds of the country was at that precise moment standing in line at Chick-fil-A and stuffing the word in the memory hole.) (That’s right bitchez, we got yer Orwell hanging!) Read more on ‘Christian’ Pastors Who Want To Overturn Hate Crimes Act Will Have To Put Their Stones Where Their Mouths Are…
  No Really -- Radical Mennonite Fundamentalists!

Exciting New Front In Culture Wars: Ex-Gay, Two-Mommy Child Abductions For Jesus

Here’s a strange indicator that The Gays are moving closer to full marriage equality: In a New York Times story, we learn that gay couples are now able to attain levels of relationship misery that had hitherto been reserved for straights. It is a dubious achievement, to be sure, but now some gay couples who break up can look forward to their children being caught up in one of the more tragic fringes of family law, international child abduction. And like so many other stories involving gay families, the issue is complicated because a number of the people involved are thoroughly convinced that Jesus is terribly angry about genitalia. Read more on Exciting New Front In Culture Wars: Ex-Gay, Two-Mommy Child Abductions For Jesus…
  wwjd?

Good Sunday News: Christian Puppeteer Was Arrested Before He Could Murder And Eat A Child

Uh. Happy Sunday, everybody? Good news? Ronald William Brown, a very nice man who loved to hang out with children from his Florida trailer park, and buy them pizza, and watch over them at Sunday school, and be the puppeteer on a Christian Television Network show (above!), was not able to realize his fantasy of abducting one of said children, strangling him, and frying him up in a pan for eating. Hooray! Read more on Good Sunday News: Christian Puppeteer Was Arrested Before He Could Murder And Eat A Child…
  here is your d-day anniversary post

GOP Congressman Calls China Government a Bunch of Hitlers

Whose turn is it to play Adolf Hitler today in the forever binary saga of the Republicans versus secret zombie Adolf Hitler come back from the dead disguised as (insert ridiculous noun here) to devour hysterical conservatives? This kitten? Mitt Romney’s spell-checker? Or maybe some elementary school teachers? For the answer, let’s either re-read the post title or, alternately, consult the interchangeable screaming Republican congressman shuffling around on the House floor at any given hour, “Rep. Dana Rohrabacher” this time, sure: It is the Chinese government. The government is murdering people. Just like Hitler did! Read more on GOP Congressman Calls China Government a Bunch of Hitlers…
  it's on or rather continues to be on

Now For A Collection of Insults Hurled At Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage Obama

After a man went on television for a very low-profile announcement that he is now back to feeling about gay marriage the way he felt in the fun 90s, the world erupted in praise … and backhanded praise and faint praise and no praise AT ALL! You are surprised, we know. Jim Daly, the boss of some Christian society called CitizenLink, decided to put up this lovely picture of two blonde straight people marrying on his blog, Finding Home, a blog for those of all sexual persuasions who forget where they live after a night of drinking at a strip club. Elsewhere, the Log Cabin Republicans implied that if Obama was a real leader of America, he would be looking at his calendar and seeing that North Carolina just banned same-sex marriage the very day he decided he now supports same-sex marriage (again), and how rude of him to distract people from this step backwards with his two-or-so steps forward. Somewhere in a desert, probably completely unaware of Obama’s special time, Romney declared that same-sex marriage is not an “issue of significance.” Plus, Rick Santorum needs cash. Read more on Now For A Collection of Insults Hurled At Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage Obama…
  spread the love

Dan Savage Is A Bad, Bad Man

Total gay Dan Savage is not just a spreader of viral ideas (“memes”) and actual viruses, he is also a bully because he made Christian teens feel bad by calling the Bible bullshit just because it was constantly saying how we should slave people and stuff. Then he called them “pansy-ass” for walking out of his speech, and then he apologized for calling them pansy-ass, but since there is nothing else at all on the Internet today, the right wing is going to go with that. What other holocausts did Savage subject a bunch of high school students to? He told them they better be using birth control and said his husband looked good in a Speedo! WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN? Read more on Dan Savage Is A Bad, Bad Man…
  do androids dream of gay electric sheep?

Homophobic Jewish-Christian Robots Attacking Fellow Robot Mitt Romney

As the excitement (?) of Super Tuesday grips the nation the way a priest grips a young boy’s scrotum, Rick Santorum’s college fund for his dozens of children is paying for an onslaught of angry religious-fanatic robo-calls against Mitt Romney, himself a robot. And this makes sense, at least the part about Rick Santorum pissing away his kids’ education money, because Santorum has realized that college is an evil socialist atheist government thing. (He just realized this after spending his entire life in schools, colleges and government work.) Anyway, these robots who self-identify as homosexual-hating Jews and Christians are calling every phone in Ohio! They want the people to know Mitt Romney is the main supporter of Gay Rights. Read more on Homophobic Jewish-Christian Robots Attacking Fellow Robot Mitt Romney…
  jesus wept

What Would Jesus Do, If He Was a Tea Party Wingnut ‘Christian’?

The Internet is chock full of dumb two-day fads, but there might be some real staying power in the concept of “Tea Party Jesus,” a Tumblr site that combines images of the Loving Jesus with cartoon speech bubbles full of 100% real quotes from leading right-wing Republicans who self-identify as “family values Christians.” Read more on What Would Jesus Do, If He Was a Tea Party Wingnut ‘Christian’?…