Wonkette

My friends, since the Main Stream Media will not say it, we must: Barack Obama supports the legality of something called “abortion,” a procedure in which Jeremiah Wright and his imam minions steal your babies and sacrifice them to Hollywood Liberals. Why has this not been covered? Surely it is the stuff of Scandal? Thankfully we have the Christian Defense Coalition, which is launching its “Abortion President” attack campaign on Obama. Exactly how many of God’s babies has Barry personally killed? MORE »

Oil hit a new record price today, hooray! It briefly touched $146.23 a barrel before settling down to the much more normal price of, er, $145.85. A gallon of gasoline is averaging $4.09 in the patriotic United States — with D.C. at $4.16, New York at $4.30 and West Coast prices over $4.50. Why do they keep going up, up, up? Because some goddamned Christians are showing up at gas stations and praying, that’s why. MORE »

Here’s an independent ad that was running in South Dakota before its June 3 primary from some Christian group, against Barack Obama. The Obama team complained about it shortly after its debut, and Obama has been referencing it recently as a typical attack ad he’ll see more of this fall. But he doesn’t mention how funny it is! The basic idea here: Obama is like a slave in the Underground Railroad, and when he escapes to the North, he and his crazy black church preacher institute a Muslim theocracy. Well *sorry*, Mr. Sensitive Luo Tribesman, we thought the people of South Dakota would’ve wanted to know this information before voting. STOLEN ELECTION. [YouTube]

In Heaven, a secret cabal meets every Shrove Tuesday to match up nutjob religious leaders with the presidential candidates they will embarrass the most. John McCain’s assigned kook is pastor John Hagee, an Evangelical preacher who loves Jews, the apocalypse, and long walks on the beach, and hates Mondays, broccoli, and Catholics. So it shocked everyone today when he acted like a complete hypocrite by refusing to stand by his crazy remarks about our papist brothers and sisters. MORE »

Remember way back in JANUARY when math-hating yokel Mike Huckabee looked, for about five minutes, like he might win the Republican presidential nomination? Soon you’ll be able to relive the magic all over again, because he is writing a book, about his campaign! He’ll share secrets like how to gain 35 pounds on the campaign trail without even trying; how to talk your wife into putting a paper bag over her head during Jesus-approved procreative activities; and why Chuck Norris would have made the best Treasury Secretary since Alexander Hamilton. MORE »

When God decided that fundamentalist Christians would have to be poor and obese, he gave them a consolation prize: Their churches could have tacky letterboard signs out front, just like those equipment rental warehouses out on the frontage road or county highway. These signs are used to share comical slogans with the heathens who race by in their fancy foreign cars with “airbags” and “valid registrations.” One such church in South Carolina recently put up this great message: OBAMA OSAMA HUMM ARE THEY BROTHERS, apparently meaning it to say, “Obama and Osama — Hmm, are they brothers?” MORE »

Many have commented on this strange new ticking time-bomb version of MikeHuckabee.com. It appears that he is not nuking the earth with space rockets, as most assumed. Instead, he is starting some strange new right-wing christian “political organization,” because Lord knows we need more of that. He’ll explain it tonight on a conference call, to nobody. [MikeHuckabee.com, Jonathan Martin]

Last month in New Orleans, a secret cabal of leaders from the Christian right met to discuss their evil plans. Among them was Paul Weyrich, a big wig with the Moral Majority, Heritage Foundation and the super-secret Council for National Policy. Weyrich had previously supported Mittens “Mitt” Romney, and took the occasion to apologize for not supporting Mike Huckabee, the bass-playing Arkansas ex-fattie who people only liked because he told comical jokes written by your grandfather. MORE »

The Oklahoma Republican who charmed her way into America’s heart by denouncing the Gay Menace is now getting angry emails from people who want her dead. But instead of just coming right out and saying it, letter-writers beat around the bush with a bunch of doublespeak. MORE »

You might think that wiretaps, IRS investigations, and prostitutes led to New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s current difficulties, but in fact it was God, via the Family Research Council. The conservative FRC never liked Spitzer and his abortion-loving ways, so to fight back they did the only sensible thing: they prayed to the Lord to nail that flaming charlatan’s balls to the blessed Rock of Gibraltar. MORE »