Tag: christians

Christian Daddy Seeks Godly Young Man To Pry Open Daughter’s Box

This is an ad that appeared in the august pages of Christianity Today: It is no longer there, because Christianity Today has taken the bold stand that it's really gross for daddies to sell their unfucked daughters in the want ads....
Secret admirer, secret admirer!

Brave Todd Starnes Fights For College Kids’ Right To Eat Breasts On Buttery Buns

Earlier this week, the University of Nebraska-Kearney scrapped plans to install a Chick-Fil-A franchise on campus after numerous complaints from students upset about the chain's regressive views on marriage equality. That seems clear-cut and reasonable, and we can all...

Jeb Bush Tells Mean Pope To Leave His Favorite Teddy Bear Trump Alone

Jeb Bush is not dangling on the edge while fondling his gun that says JEB BUSH on it, contrary to certain vicious internet rumors he started, but he is definitely suffering from Stockholm syndrome. In the epic fight between Donald Trump and...
He Declared Bankruptcy For Your Sins

Donald Trump Fires Pope For Being Bad At Jesus

Holy shots fired! Even New Pope Frank has some unchristian things to say about a certain candidate whose hat he definitely isn't wearing on his blessed head anytime soon: “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not...
ooh, red eyes!!

One Million Moms Furious Olive Garden BFFs With Satan Now

Oh hey, look, One Million Moms, aka Seventeen Angry Dipsticks, is back! They're still mad about Fox's TV show "Lucifer," like they were before, but now they have a new target: Olive Garden, which sponsors the show. If you're not familiar...
And that's when Noah's stupid gay peace dove got eated by a dinosaur.

Kentucky Gets To Pay Creationists To Dress Up Like Noah’s Ark Bible Dinosaurs, Yippee!

Exciting news, if you're a creationist! If you'll remember, a very weird creationist man named Ken Ham, who literally believes the earth is about five minutes old and all the dinosaurs died like eight seconds ago, is building a...
Cocktail hour.

Moron Todd Starnes Says Moron Todd Starnes Is Moron

Suspected pee enthusiast and Fox News shouty mad face Todd Starnes is having a confuse! You see, the other day Donald Trump talked Jesus words to the virginal students of Liberty University, and he Bibled wrong, because he said...
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort Heidi.

Sounds Like Ted Cruz Owes Jesus Some Money

Uh oh, the phone is ringing all day at the Cruz household, and it's coming from an unknown number. And nobody wants to pick it up, because it's the collection agency Jesus sent after one Canadian Ted Cruz, otherwise known...
GET THAT "SMILE" OFF YOUR FACE.

Lying Liar Carly Fiorina Lying About Jesus Now

Uh-oh, Cara Carleton "Carly The Liar" Fiorina has been opening her mouth again, and you know what happens when she does that. SHE LIES. Usually she's lying about little tiny baby arms and legs writhing on tables at the...
The Yoogest Story Ever Told

Southern Baptist Leader Calls Donald Trump Filthy Slutty Gambling Glutton Whore

Oh bother! The evangelicals are getting itchy in their Underoos again, what with the cognitive dissonance of Donald Trump -- who does all the seven deadly sins before breakfast, including the one about wanting to fuck his daughter -- being the frontrunner for...
David Brooks, Serious New York Times Typist

The Brutalism Of Reading David Brooks Whining About The Brutalism Of Ted Cruz

New York Times conservative columnist David Brooks lives in a different sort of reality, where Real Americans who do not live on the elitist coasts (like Brooks does) love God & Guns and the unlimited breadsticks at the Applebee's salad bar. Also, he...

A-Hole Ben Carson Urges 5th Graders To Cast Stones At ‘Worst Student’

You think God whispered this one into Dr. Ben Carson's ear, or did he think up such Good Christian cruelty all on his own? It's not as if the oh-so-good doctor intended to promote bullying at the campaign event in Iowa, where apparently a...
Those gopher mole beaver creatures just want their religious freedom!

Georgia Republicans Want To Gay-Bang The Gays With Exciting New Religious Freedom Laws

People who love using cute sayings (like your mom) always say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That's a good saying for this one dildo-wit Republican state senator...
A power bottom for your gay love, and also your dollars.

Does Ted Cruz Secretly Want To Gay Marry The Homosexuals?

BREAKING NEWS, EVERYONE. Ted Cruz, a politician from Texas, is a politician, and he is from Texas. (And Canada. And Cuba.) Yes, we know, everybody thinks he's this Pure Conservative Social Warrior, untainted by the taint smells of politickin', but...
Can't fool her with your "gotcha" questions.

Sarah Palin Guesses Atheist President Would Be Better Than ISIS, Oof Gosh!

The Thing What Squozed Bristol Out Of Its Moose Parts is talking again, because The Thing still has a book to sell. (It's a Bible devotional doohickey, but with all the lovey gay Jesus words crossed out and replaced...

Fox Doesn’t Find Your Zombie Jesus Jokes Funny, Young Man

Have you heard about the zombies? Zombie Mary and Zombie Joseph and little Zombie Baby Jesus, away in a manger on some dude's lawn in Sycamore Township, Ohio? Yes, the Zombie Nativity Scene is a thing. Quite a thing!...