Tag Archives: christians

  all talk no stonings

‘Christian’ Pastors Who Want To Overturn Hate Crimes Act Will Have To Put Their Stones Where Their Mouths Are

So there are three “Christian” pastors who wanted the courts to invalidate the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Hate Crimes Prevention Act because “thought crimes,” so they filed suit with the total asshole Thomas More Law Center, saying basically “WAH, Orwell and stuff! Animal Farm! Two legs bad! We will not be able to urge the stoning of homosexuals as prescribed in Leviticus!” and the court was all “yeah, idiots, you do not have standing to sue to overturn this law unless you are actually wanting to drag a man behind your car? You do not actually want to drag a man behind your car, do you? You just want to say hateful shit? STILL PROTECTED, and you got no standing to sue.” (The court did describe the “Christian” pastors’ speech as “hateful” before noting that about two thirds of the country was at that precise moment standing in line at Chick-fil-A and stuffing the word in the memory hole.) (That’s right bitchez, we got yer Orwell hanging!) Read more on ‘Christian’ Pastors Who Want To Overturn Hate Crimes Act Will Have To Put Their Stones Where Their Mouths Are…
  No Really -- Radical Mennonite Fundamentalists!

Exciting New Front In Culture Wars: Ex-Gay, Two-Mommy Child Abductions For Jesus

Here’s a strange indicator that The Gays are moving closer to full marriage equality: In a New York Times story, we learn that gay couples are now able to attain levels of relationship misery that had hitherto been reserved for straights. It is a dubious achievement, to be sure, but now some gay couples who break up can look forward to their children being caught up in one of the more tragic fringes of family law, international child abduction. And like so many other stories involving gay families, the issue is complicated because a number of the people involved are thoroughly convinced that Jesus is terribly angry about genitalia. Read more on Exciting New Front In Culture Wars: Ex-Gay, Two-Mommy Child Abductions For Jesus…
  wwjd?

Good Sunday News: Christian Puppeteer Was Arrested Before He Could Murder And Eat A Child

Uh. Happy Sunday, everybody? Good news? Ronald William Brown, a very nice man who loved to hang out with children from his Florida trailer park, and buy them pizza, and watch over them at Sunday school, and be the puppeteer on a Christian Television Network show (above!), was not able to realize his fantasy of abducting one of said children, strangling him, and frying him up in a pan for eating. Hooray! Read more on Good Sunday News: Christian Puppeteer Was Arrested Before He Could Murder And Eat A Child…
  here is your d-day anniversary post

GOP Congressman Calls China Government a Bunch of Hitlers

Whose turn is it to play Adolf Hitler today in the forever binary saga of the Republicans versus secret zombie Adolf Hitler come back from the dead disguised as (insert ridiculous noun here) to devour hysterical conservatives? This kitten? Mitt Romney’s spell-checker? Or maybe some elementary school teachers? For the answer, let’s either re-read the post title or, alternately, consult the interchangeable screaming Republican congressman shuffling around on the House floor at any given hour, “Rep. Dana Rohrabacher” this time, sure: It is the Chinese government. The government is murdering people. Just like Hitler did! Read more on GOP Congressman Calls China Government a Bunch of Hitlers…
  it's on or rather continues to be on

Now For A Collection of Insults Hurled At Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage Obama

After a man went on television for a very low-profile announcement that he is now back to feeling about gay marriage the way he felt in the fun 90s, the world erupted in praise … and backhanded praise and faint praise and no praise AT ALL! You are surprised, we know. Jim Daly, the boss of some Christian society called CitizenLink, decided to put up this lovely picture of two blonde straight people marrying on his blog, Finding Home, a blog for those of all sexual persuasions who forget where they live after a night of drinking at a strip club. Elsewhere, the Log Cabin Republicans implied that if Obama was a real leader of America, he would be looking at his calendar and seeing that North Carolina just banned same-sex marriage the very day he decided he now supports same-sex marriage (again), and how rude of him to distract people from this step backwards with his two-or-so steps forward. Somewhere in a desert, probably completely unaware of Obama’s special time, Romney declared that same-sex marriage is not an “issue of significance.” Plus, Rick Santorum needs cash. Read more on Now For A Collection of Insults Hurled At Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage Obama…
  spread the love

Dan Savage Is A Bad, Bad Man

Total gay Dan Savage is not just a spreader of viral ideas (“memes”) and actual viruses, he is also a bully because he made Christian teens feel bad by calling the Bible bullshit just because it was constantly saying how we should slave people and stuff. Then he called them “pansy-ass” for walking out of his speech, and then he apologized for calling them pansy-ass, but since there is nothing else at all on the Internet today, the right wing is going to go with that. What other holocausts did Savage subject a bunch of high school students to? He told them they better be using birth control and said his husband looked good in a Speedo! WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN? Read more on Dan Savage Is A Bad, Bad Man…
  do androids dream of gay electric sheep?

Homophobic Jewish-Christian Robots Attacking Fellow Robot Mitt Romney

As the excitement (?) of Super Tuesday grips the nation the way a priest grips a young boy’s scrotum, Rick Santorum’s college fund for his dozens of children is paying for an onslaught of angry religious-fanatic robo-calls against Mitt Romney, himself a robot. And this makes sense, at least the part about Rick Santorum pissing away his kids’ education money, because Santorum has realized that college is an evil socialist atheist government thing. (He just realized this after spending his entire life in schools, colleges and government work.) Anyway, these robots who self-identify as homosexual-hating Jews and Christians are calling every phone in Ohio! They want the people to know Mitt Romney is the main supporter of Gay Rights. Read more on Homophobic Jewish-Christian Robots Attacking Fellow Robot Mitt Romney…
  jesus wept

What Would Jesus Do, If He Was a Tea Party Wingnut ‘Christian’?

The Internet is chock full of dumb two-day fads, but there might be some real staying power in the concept of “Tea Party Jesus,” a Tumblr site that combines images of the Loving Jesus with cartoon speech bubbles full of 100% real quotes from leading right-wing Republicans who self-identify as “family values Christians.” Read more on What Would Jesus Do, If He Was a Tea Party Wingnut ‘Christian’?…
  separation of church and state is for losers

Georgia Senator Wants All License Plates To Read ‘In God We Trust’

If there is one thing wrong in the state of Georgia right now, it is that not every single license plate reads “In God We Trust.” In fact, the real problem is that you have to pay an entire dollar in order to get these words to appear like Jeebus Magick on your license plate. BUT DO NOT FEAR, the issue will soon be remedied by history’s most important legislative proposal, from one “state Senator Bill Heath,” who is here to make sure every vehicle owner in the state does not fall under the erroneous impression that they are allowed to be atheist or pagan while driving. Read more on Georgia Senator Wants All License Plates To Read ‘In God We Trust’…
  who got the voodoo kentucky do

Kentucky Governor Race Now Suddenly About Secret Hindu Rituals

Kentucky GOP candidate for governor David Williams is behind Democratic incumbent Steve Beshear by several million points in the polls, which means the only thing sad dingus David Williams can do all day long at this point is stare glumly at his Steve Beshear Google Alert list trying to find banal news items he can nitpick. Oh let’s see, here’s one: Gov. Beshear, known as a devout Baptist, attended the Hindu-themed groundbreaking ceremony at a new manufacturing plant operated by an Indian company. Good enough! New Williams campaign platform: STEVE BESHEAR SECRETLY WORSHIPPED PAGANS FOR AN HOUR, HE IS A WHORE FOR VISHNU. Read more on Kentucky Governor Race Now Suddenly About Secret Hindu Rituals…
  the crazies

Alabama Christian Doesn’t Care To Read The Word ‘Mexican’ In Her Paper

Given the medieval new anti-furriner laws in Alabama criminalizing even the air that circulates complacently through an illegal immigrant’s lungs, it is maybe not surprising that some of Alabama’s more boneheaded fearful legal citizens are afraid the Thought Police (Jesus?) will come after them for so much as thinking that some of its brown people continue to exist, somewhere. It is otherwise very difficult to explain one woman who indignantly requested the cancellation of her new alt-weekly paper Weld for Birmingham because, she explained, she as a Christian was offended over the fact that they printed the word “Mexican” in its pages. Read more on Alabama Christian Doesn’t Care To Read The Word ‘Mexican’ In Her Paper…
  'free' speech is for socialists

Atheists Told To Buy ‘Insane Christian’ Insurance To Protect Atheist Bus Ads

A group of Arkansas atheists attempting to run ads on public buses promoting their beliefs are being asked to pay a $36,000 insurance premium because the bus company’s ad agency fears terrible Christian vandals will set fire to the buses, or something. The improbable-sounding group — “Arkansas atheist” is like hearing “Detroit real-estate investment boom” — had hoped to buy $5,000 worth of ads telling people things like, “many people enjoy a godless lifestyle just fine, like the Pope.” But probably wingnuts will be upset about this, because Jesus did not believe in free speech, and the Bible teaches followers to belligerently attack anyone who says something you don’t like about your Prophet Muhammed God. It’s okay, because public transportation is also socialist! Read more on Atheists Told To Buy ‘Insane Christian’ Insurance To Protect Atheist Bus Ads…
  his primary concern is white people after all

Wingnut Broken Record: God Letting Tornadoes Happen Because He Hates Abortion, Gays, What Have You

Faith 2 Action was last seen attempting to get a fetus to testify before the Ohio legislature, but it refused to cooperate. It was an aborted attempt, you could say, har har har. They still haven’t had any creative ideas since then: Read more on Wingnut Broken Record: God Letting Tornadoes Happen Because He Hates Abortion, Gays, What Have You…
  sex organs in the news

One of Michele Bachmann’s 10,000 Children Refuses To Pose For Playgirl

Playgirl is still alive somehow. And we guess it’s because it does stuff like this: finding Michele Bachmann’s 28-year-old son and asking him to pose nude in their publication, for publicity. He said no, of course. But considering Bachmann has five children and has foster-parented 23 others, something she brags about on the campaign trail, statistically there’s a pretty good chance one of them would do it if enough were asked. The real scandal here, though, is that, while Bachmann and her husband “biblical therapist” Marcus went to good, barely-accredited Christian schools like Oral Roberts and Regent University, their son Lucas goes to UConn. Rebel! Read more on One of Michele Bachmann’s 10,000 Children Refuses To Pose For Playgirl…
  XXXL crucifixes

Fundamentalist Christians Are All Obese, According To Science

Well, here’s a shocker: America’s most deluded religious group, the fundamentalist Christians, “are 50 percent more likely to turn into obese middle-agers as those with no religious involvement.” Being dumb and poor and racist and homophobic apparently wasn’t enough for Jeebus’ true children here in America — now they’re doomed to fatness, too. Again, this is according to Scientists who studied people who go to church all the time. There are many theories, including one by Purdue University sociologist Ken Ferraro that “churches are a feeding ground for gluttony and obesity.” But what about religions and philosophies that demand moderation in eating, like Buddhism? Not so many Buddhists in America, we guess! What about Catholics? They are mostly alcoholics, plus they rarely go to church except for the big holidays because they’re scared the priest is going to rape their kids again. What about Anglicans or whatever, maybe Episcopalians or Unitarians? Ha ha, there are only about 2,000 of them, and they’re old preppies who go on walks every day and go canoeing at their summer houses. Read more on Fundamentalist Christians Are All Obese, According To Science…
  chicken anus burgers in the news

Chick-Fil-A Hates Gays

Have you wondered what in hell a “Chick-Fil-A” might be? It’s a company that sells a form of chicken anus on a stick, we think, and this same company helps the anti-homosexual fanatics by feeding them these McNuggetz, so they will die soon and no longer harass people. Something like that, we don’t care: Read more on Chick-Fil-A Hates Gays…
  he was applauding too

Gabrielle Giffords Has Won God’s Prayer Sweepstakes, According To Fox

“Nearly 8 in 10 American voters say they believe prayers helped Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords survive the Tucson shooting, according to a Fox News poll released Thursday.” Well, there you have it. We now know why Giffords has made such an amazing recovery: She was a popular subject of prayers, and if there’s one thing God loves, it’s the popular kids. Has the Fonz ever gotten sick? Nayyyyyy. The question is, if Giffords won the prayer sweepstakes — and she has, based on the prizes so far — who lost it? Probably a lot of people who weren’t prayed about very much. Also, when prompted by Fox to do so, most people said they “think the people who commit these kinds of acts will always find the guns to commit violent acts.” Wait, is God providing weapons to murderers too? Read more on Gabrielle Giffords Has Won God’s Prayer Sweepstakes, According To Fox…
  in the madhouse

Delaware Witch O’Donnell Casts Masturbation Spell On Values Voters

Vengeful mobs of Real Americans converged on DC this past weekend to enjoy the all-you-can-eat Freedom & Diabetes buffet at the Values Voter Summit. Even Christine O’Donnell stopped by to pout for money and talk about how her “love affair with liberty isn’t tame, but boy is it good” — cruel verbal foreplay that made the crusty white audience all hot and bothered. There was also plenty of fresh material from popular comedians such as Bill Bennett, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich. We were pleasantly surprised to see smug liberal elitist David Weigel walking around being smug, and somehow we even managed to cross paths with a delightful Furry. Read more on Delaware Witch O’Donnell Casts Masturbation Spell On Values Voters…
  christine meets the internet

A Children’s Treasury Of Christine O’Donnell’s Website Content

The pocket pinball-playin’ elitists from the Soros blogosphere claim that Christine O’Donnell’s fancy website has no content, just a little button for donating your life savings to her brave campaign. Wrong! There’s plenty of content, you just need to “screen capture” it before it is deleted. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Christine O’Donnell’s Website Content…
  bet those two have lain in sin with north korea

AFA: Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter Need To Hurry Up and Hate Gays Again

Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter have surprised people lately, by seeming to be pretty tolerant of the gays. But don’t expect that tolerance to get past the Jesus fishes at the American Family Association! These teevee pundits have gone “AWOL in the culture war,” going from “sexually normal” soldiers for Christendom to veritable illegally gay laissez-faire (the French word for “gay”) soldiers, according to the AFA. “If Homocon is Elliott Spitzer, you are in danger of becoming the Ashley Dupre of the conservative movement,” they say of Coulter. Somebody call Krauthammer! We’ve found a brilliant analogist! (Haha, “anal-ogist.”) Read more on AFA: Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter Need To Hurry Up and Hate Gays Again…
  God Is Watching Us From A Distance

Why Does Europe Hate American Freedom Christ?

Most Americans correctly believe that the Christ-child was born 400 years ago in a shitty barn behind Jethro’s Dogfight Shack in Arkansatucky, Missibama. Lo, betwixt her mighty labor pains, his unwed 14-year-old mother (who was just a little bit older than the average first-time mama in today’s South) said to her 20-year-old pervert fiance, “Um, it was God who done gave me the babytimes!” And her fiance, being stupid, said, “I believe you. I’ll be at the carport out back now, forever, listening to Papa Roach.” Then everyone said racist things and rewrote all the schoolbooks to reflect the fact that our nation’s greatest scholar-president was not in fact Thomas Jefferson, but Levi Johnston. And this is the story told in churches from sea to shining sea every Santa Day. Read more on Why Does Europe Hate American Freedom Christ?…
  end times

Giant Statue of Jesus Bombed From Space By Real Jesus (Thor)

A six-story-tall statue of Jesus’ torso known as “Big Butter Jesus” and/or “Touchdown Jesus” — because what is wrong with people? — was struck by lightning and burned to the ground last night. The vulgar landmark was built in 2004 outside some mall church in the outskirts of Cincinnati. “It was made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame, which is all that remained early Tuesday,” the AP reports. So now it’s just an awful robot skeleton of Jesus’ torso … which is exactly what was found in Jesus’ tomb on the very first Christmas right before the Roman Empire razed the entire wretched terrorist-filled provincial capital of Jerusalem. Read more on Giant Statue of Jesus Bombed From Space By Real Jesus (Thor)…