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Posts Tagged ‘christians’

Liveblogging Mike Huckabee’s Socialist Agenda At The RNC

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

Shucks.Mike Huckabee was one of the best failed presidential candidates in the world: from his kinky public sex hijinks with his frightening wife, to his comical insistence on staying in the primary race because he went to the College of God instead of the College of Maths, and also that time he fucked a squirrel on Arkansas public television. What wonderful things will he say tonight, at the Republican National Convention, in order to make John McCain regret not picking the other pleasant wingnut Christian governor from a state of tattooed alcoholic rednecks? MORE »


Boycott McDonald’s Idiots To Boycott Hallmark Now

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

I wanted to leave an alt-text, but there was nowhere to type an alt-text inTree-destroying imperial corporation Hallmark recently decided to start selling same-sex wedding cards, because that’s something you can do in all of two (2) states now. In other words, the Hallmark company has just literally taken a piss on Jesus Christ’s tomb thingy. And guess who’s upset, yes, that’s correct, the mouth-breathing Fundies at the American Family Association, whose recent “Boycott McDonald’s” initiative produced some of the finest comedy in the history of the Internet. They have a petition site up now directed at Hallmark. “BoycottHallmark.com” doesn’t currently exist, but the AFA has bought the domain name and when it launches, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD let there be a comments section. [AFA, Examiner, Think Progress]


Liveblogging Some McCain-Obama Church Chat

Saturday, August 16th, 2008

Jesus fuckin christOh good gravy there is a special election event at the world-famous giant suburban church somewhere. Let us pray about our purpose-driven liveblogging, which could happen, IF THE LORD WILZ IT. Oh it’s starting maybe, let’s find out if it’s on teevee, and who will be president of 22,000 bored people in “Lake Forest, California,” where there’s no lake and no forest. MORE »


Obama, McCain To Be Interrogated By Goateed Evangelist In Megachurch Isolation Booths

Saturday, August 16th, 2008

Fly, dove, fly!Some mega-suburban evangelical church in Southern California will be the scene of the most epic political battle since Jesus took on the Romans: Saturday at 5 p.m. (8 p.m. Eastern), Obama and McCain will be locked in soundproof glass torture chambers while a goateed “powerful evangelical” hobbit will chillingly ask them questions about religions and whatnot. MORE »


McDonald’s Boycott An Opposite-Success!

Friday, August 8th, 2008

Man, the Fundies sure have shown those queers at McDonald’s what happens when they start pushing the Gay Agenda: “CHICAGO–McDonald’s Corp said Friday that global sales at restaurants open at least 13 months rose 8 percent in July, as the key U.S. market posted its largest gain in five months.” A recession is not really a great time to affect change in the fast food industry with a boycott. Besides, we know all of these fat selfish mouth-breathers have been going to McDonald’s secretly, every day. [Reuters]


John McCain’s EPIC New Ad Loves Barack Obama!

Friday, August 1st, 2008

Oh man, this ad is so much better than “Celeb.” While that last one was creepy, this one is funny (or rather, “less creepy”), and expensive-looking, and has an upbeat soundtrack, and says all sorts of nice things about Barack Obama! Also, McCain *finally* admits that Barack Obama freed the Jews from Egypt back when he was a state senator in Illinois. MORE »


Joe Lieberman Makes Out With John Hagee, While Naked

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008

Go Jews hurrahYesterday Joe Lieberman addressed Christians United For Israel, the dumb thing headed by Pastor John Hagee, Lieberman’s best friend. Hagee used to be John McCain’s best friend, and they spent many a evening talking about how Hitler was a messenger of God, the message being “European Jews, what an oxymoron!” Joe Lieberman introduced himself to the creepy group with this appropriately creepy message: “I am your brother Joseph.” Then: “I don’t agree with everything Pastor Hagee has said… I will tell you tonight the bond that I feel with Pastor Hagee and each and every one of you is much stronger than that and I am proud to stand with you tonight.” Ha ha, Connecticut voters. [NYT/The Caucus]


McDonald’s Refuses To Hate Gay People!

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

You’ve been waiting for it all day, and here it is: your “Tuesday Fun Link.” Today’s link directs you to “Boycott McDonald’s,” an effort from some terrible thing called the American Family Association. Naturally, these people are not boycotting McDonald’s because they are starting diets — on the contrary, we assume they are all fat fucks who continue to patronize the likes of Wendy’s, Burger King, and “Sonic” on a daily basis. They are boycotting McDonald’s because of this: “It is about McDonald’s, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald’s has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.” And GUESS WHAT? This website has a comments section!! MORE »


Friday, July 11th, 2008

BARACK OBAMA IS THE HOTTEST JEW SINCE ERIC BANA IN ‘MUNICH’: According to 1 percent of respondents to a Pew research poll, Barack Obama is not a fire-breathing Muslim or a wingnut Christian but in fact a nice Jewish boy, just like Sammy Davis Junior. [Pew Research Center via The Plank]


July 4 Bush Speech Censors Thomas Jefferson

Monday, July 7th, 2008

'Mr. President, it's just a goddamned piece of paper.'Thomas Jefferson invented July 4, by writing the Declaration of Independence for “Independence Day,” and later writing the Constitution, and then patriotically dropping dead on July 4. This is why George W. Bush went to Jefferson’s famous slave brothel, Monticello, to read a July 4 speech that quoted Jefferson except for the part of the quote where Jefferson said Christians were idiots. MORE »


Barack Obama’s Secret ‘Abortion’ Stance Comes To Light

Monday, July 7th, 2008

My friends, since the Main Stream Media will not say it, we must: Barack Obama supports the legality of something called “abortion,” a procedure in which Jeremiah Wright and his imam minions steal your babies and sacrifice them to Hollywood Liberals. Why has this not been covered? Surely it is the stuff of Scandal? Thankfully we have the Christian Defense Coalition, which is launching its “Abortion President” attack campaign on Obama. Exactly how many of God’s babies has Barry personally killed? MORE »


Silly Christians Praying For Cheaper Gasoline

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

OMG!Oil hit a new record price today, hooray! It briefly touched $146.23 a barrel before settling down to the much more normal price of, er, $145.85. A gallon of gasoline is averaging $4.09 in the patriotic United States — with D.C. at $4.16, New York at $4.30 and West Coast prices over $4.50. Why do they keep going up, up, up? Because some goddamned Christians are showing up at gas stations and praying, that’s why. MORE »


The Hilarious, Racist South Dakota Ad Of Legend

Monday, June 23rd, 2008

Here’s an independent ad that was running in South Dakota before its June 3 primary from some Christian group, against Barack Obama. The Obama team complained about it shortly after its debut, and Obama has been referencing it recently as a typical attack ad he’ll see more of this fall. But he doesn’t mention how funny it is! The basic idea here: Obama is like a slave in the Underground Railroad, and when he escapes to the North, he and his crazy black church preacher institute a Muslim theocracy. Well *sorry*, Mr. Sensitive Luo Tribesman, we thought the people of South Dakota would’ve wanted to know this information before voting. STOLEN ELECTION. [YouTube]


McCain’s Beloved Nutball Friend Hagee Apologizes To The Great Whore

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008

Follow me to the Great Buffet!In Heaven, a secret cabal meets every Shrove Tuesday to match up nutjob religious leaders with the presidential candidates they will embarrass the most. John McCain’s assigned kook is pastor John Hagee, an Evangelical preacher who loves Jews, the apocalypse, and long walks on the beach, and hates Mondays, broccoli, and Catholics. So it shocked everyone today when he acted like a complete hypocrite by refusing to stand by his crazy remarks about our papist brothers and sisters. MORE »