Tag Archives: christianity

  bless their hearts

Kentucky Churches Giving Away Guns, Letting Jesus Sort ‘Em Out

It seems like a pretty sweet deal: Accept Jesus Christ as your savior and when you die, you’ll go to Heaven, which we’ve heard is just heavenly. But some people are canny, you know? They’re looking for that little extra sweetener before they sign away their souls. Well, the Kentucky Baptist Convention has got these savvy salvation seekers covered. In an effort its spokesman has described as “outreach to rednecks,” the Kentucky Baptist Convention is leading “Second Amendment Celebrations,” where churches around the state give away guns as door prizes to lure in the unchurched in hopes of converting them to Christ. Eternal life in the Kingdom of your Creator? You can lock that in. A chance to win a deadly weapon? You bank that. And if you’re still on that fence, how’s a steak dinner sound? Read more on Kentucky Churches Giving Away Guns, Letting Jesus Sort ‘Em Out…
  let he who thinks she's a druggie cast the first stone

Bill O’Reilly Pretty Confident Jesus Wouldn’t Feed Kids If Their Parents Were Druggies

Great Protector of Christmas Bill O’Reilly has these tidings of comfort and joy for you, America: Yeah, sure, Jesus fed the poor and he wants people to feed the poor. But is that any reason to feed the poor? In a spirited chat with yes-man priest Fr. Gerald Murray (with easily dismissed contributions from token liberal pastor Joshua DuBois), O’Reilly questioned how far good Christians need to take this whole “feed the poor” shtick anyway: “The problem I have, as I stated is that you’re helping one group by hurting another group and a bigger group, and so I don’t know if Jesus is going to be down with that.” DuBois thought maybe Jesus might be down with that, seeing as how private charity only makes up about 10% of what’s needed to feed everyone. Father Murray thought it was RIDICULOSE to think that Jesus would support Big Government, because that’s just silly. “We take care of the poor for spiritual motives,” he said, which presumably means that if government does food stamps, that’s like taking away people’s chance to be all spiritual somehow. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Pretty Confident Jesus Wouldn’t Feed Kids If Their Parents Were Druggies…
  by grabthar's nine iron you will be avenged

Golf Sponsor Decides What To Do With Own Money, Glenn Beck Fans Outraged

Here’s a new squirmish in the Culture Wars: A businessman in Virginia has dropped his sponsorship of a pro golfer because he’s not all that crazy about the golfer’s political and religious views. The business guy, Brian McMahon, had been sponsoring golfer Jeff Cochran for almost a year to promote McMahon’s Nebraska Golf Card (NGC) business, one of those discount-card things, but McMahon, an atheist, terminated the business relationship after talking with Cochran and learning that he was a big fan of Glenn Beck, Ted Cruz, and Cruz’s bugfuck-crazy father, Raphael Cruz. Even worse, McMahon said mean things about Jesus and Christians and Ted Cruz, and even insulted Glenn Beck! Hey, fair enough, that’s how sponsorship works, right? Or maybe it’s… religious discrimination!?!? Read more on Golf Sponsor Decides What To Do With Own Money, Glenn Beck Fans Outraged…
  bulk-rate persecution on aisle six

Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As ‘Fiction’

Uh-oh, you guys. It looks like Costco has made White American Jesus shed some tears from his shiny, manly blue eyes. In an obvious move to persecute Christians, Costco set up a lion pit and began throwing Christians into it. Not really, because that would actually be persecution. Rather, Costco accidentally labeled some Bibles as fiction. But not all Costcos — just one store in California. Clearly, there are only two options to rectify this: repeal Obamacare or INPEACH Costco. Probably both, to be on the safe side. Logic, bitches.  Read more on Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As ‘Fiction’…
  smartest guy in the room

‘Unskewed Polls’ Guy Figures That Since Obama Is Gay, He’s Probably Not A Muslim

Our friends at Talking Points Memo think it’s news that Dean Chambers, the delusional data debaucher who gave the world “Unskewed Polls” to prove that Mitt Romney would win the election by eleventy-hundred electoral votes, is pretty sure that Barack Obama is a gay homosexual person who likes men. But this is not actually news! Dean Chambers, after all, was insisting back in May of this year that Obama was too busy with a cocaine-fueled gaysex orgy to save American heroes in Benghazi. Now, to be sure, Dean Chambers does have a new blog post “revealing” the Unbearable Gayness of Barack, but that’s not much of a surprise — the real surprise is that Chambers has done him some logic, and has decided to throw overboard a whole different Barack Obama Conspiracy Theory. If Obama’s gay, says Chambers, then he is probably not Muslim. This is pretty bold thinking for a wingnut, and we sincerely hope that Chambers does not suffer reprisals for his unorthodox views. He could very well be the target of a vicious wedgie attack. Read more on ‘Unskewed Polls’ Guy Figures That Since Obama Is Gay, He’s Probably Not A Muslim…
  the rupert murdoch literary supplement

Nice Time: Fox News Accidentally Sends That Muslim’s Jesus Book To Number One

Yesterday, we were among the nine million blogs that couldn’t believe that insanely hostile interview on Fox in which Fox’s Lauren Green kept badgering author Reza Aslan to explain his audacious act of being both a Muslim and a person who wrote a book about Jebus. Well, here’s some nice news: now that the video has gone viral, sales of the book, Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, have gone through the roof. The New York Times reports that Aslan’s publisher, Random House, says that sales have increased 35% in the two days following the video hitting the webospheres. We will just go out on a limb and guess that very few of those purchases came from Fox News viewers; the literate ones seem mostly to have been spamming the book’s reviews on Amazon. Read more on Nice Time: Fox News Accidentally Sends That Muslim’s Jesus Book To Number One…
  how'd the crescent moon get there huh?

Fox News Wants To Know Who Let Some Muslim Write A Jesus Book

Here is Fox News host Lauren Green doing what Fox News does best, channeling Fox News viewers’ mouth-breathing xenophobia into television programming. The lucky recipient is religious scholar Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, which attempts to sort out some facts about a socialist sandal-wearing hippie Palestinian troublemaker who was executed by the Romans. It’s the kind of historical scholarship that gets done all the time in academe, but that can freak out the faithful. But the interview doesn’t even get to the content of the book; it’s all about the fact that Reza Aslan is a Muslim who (gasp!) wrote a book about Jesus. Is that even allowed? We’d bet that Lauren Green is not actually as heroically stupid as she appears to be here, asking again and again (ThinkProgress counted nine times in the full 10-minute interview) just why on earth a Muslim person would go and write a book about “the founder of Christianity.” We’ll give Aslan credit for not simply saying, “Don’t be silly. I wrote a book about Jesus, not about Saul of Tarsus.” Read more on Fox News Wants To Know Who Let Some Muslim Write A Jesus Book…
  a solution finally

Tea Party Has New Holy Cause: Converting Known ‘Atheist’ George Soros!

The Tea Party is the absolute worst party in American history. It’s just like every sequel — the first one is totally awesome and brings about the creation of a new country, and the second one is Hangover 2. The Tea Party Nouveau is just like that! There is a fucking monkey and a Thai drug dealer and Michele Bachmann and whatshername, that one-time part-time quitter governor lady from that faraway iglooland place. The only change we have is more racism, an overabundance of derpitude, and a House of Representatives run by the Great Orange Crier. After trying to scam the gubmint to get out of paying taxes, how can the Tea Party possibly further ruin this week? Well, the religious scholars of the Alexander Lakes Area Tea Party recently decided to open their holier-than-thou, spittle-filled pieholes and spew forth vomitous awfulness. Ready to have your afternoon day-drinking buzz killed? Let’s go! The Alexandria Lakes Area Tea Party (ALATP), Alexandria, MN, would like to invite you to participate in a world-wide prayer campaign for the conversion of George Soros from atheism to Christianity. Let’s see what we know about George Soros. He is worth $4.5 gazillion dollars, is totally in love with Our Kenyan Emperor, and gives lots of monies away to super-duper liberal causes. Anything else about his past? Nah, nothing important we can think of. Read more on Tea Party Has New Holy Cause: Converting Known ‘Atheist’ George Soros!…
  sentiment is for the weak

A Children’s Treasury Of People Standing On Graves, Like That Awful Piers Morgan

Something startling happened a few days ago, guys… Zombie Breitbart editor Ben Shapiro said something… hyperbolic. On TELEVISION. Breitbart.com editor-at-large Ben Shapiro last night accused CNN’s Piers Morgan of “standing on the graves of the children of Sandy Hook” to “bully” and “demonize” pro-gun advocates. Aw, poor gun people, being bullied by the phone-hacker who pulled Larry King’s old chair out of a dumpster. “You have been a bully on this issue… I watch your show, and I’ve seen it repeatedly, what you tend to do is you tend to demonize people who differ from you politically by standing on the graves of the children of Sandy Hook, saying they don’t seem to care enough about the dead kids,” Shapiro said. How rude of Piers, fighting for a position after a horrible tragedy! If something happens and you are mad about it, trying to prevent it from happening again is Standing On Graves. SHAME, PIERS. Good thing Shapiro was around to defend the dead kid-graves, from people who would rather they be alive! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of People Standing On Graves, Like That Awful Piers Morgan…
  completely genuine multimedia presentations

Patriot Justice: This Is A Christian Country, Quit Asking Questions

It’s easy to paint the Wonksite with a broad brush — “It’s all liberal stuff and buttseks,” the broad-brush painters say, “And what is their thing about Joe Biden.” But it is more than that, oh yes. And we are balanced now, too! We made a conservative friend at the bank the other day, where he was depositing a modest cash bag, and we were busking with our ukulele, for chewing tobacco money. Read more on Patriot Justice: This Is A Christian Country, Quit Asking Questions…
  set phasers to 'stupid'

O’Reilly Launches Next Volley In War On Christmas: Christianity Not Religion

Good morning, Warrers On Christmas. Much has happened since our last intelligence briefing. Last night, Dessert Fox Bill O’Reilly released another video of propaganda from his bunker in the Fortress of Falafel. He did that thing where he invites an opposing viewpoint onto his show, then kicks the shit out of him. From Raw Story: On his show Wednesday night, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly accused American Atheists president David Silverman of being a “fascists” who wanted to banish Christmas from the United States… O’Reilly said Silverman’s views were “insane” and that he should get his “merry band of fascists” together to “re-vote” on Christmas being a federal holiday. After Silverman objected to being called a fascist, O’Reilly again reiterated the point by saying he was a fascist because he wanted to banish Christmas. An attack! On ONE OF OUR OWN. Using the most conventional Christmas weapon: nonsense. But there is more. There is much more, and it could change the course of the war. Read more on O’Reilly Launches Next Volley In War On Christmas: Christianity Not Religion…
  really really real

Romney Mega Prayer Is Real Thing Starting Right Now, Just Might Work: THE LIVEBLOOG

The mysterious entity that created RomneyMegaPrayer.com has already pretty much conceded the election to Barack Obama. “Sort of depressing, isn’t it? Pretty much no amount of campaigning at this point is going to change things. Obama’s going to win,” the cartoon lady in the infographic tells us. “However, a question has been on my mind and it won’t leave me alone.” What’s that question, Cartoon Lady? “What would happen if everyone prayed for Mitt Romney?” Indeed. Read more on Romney Mega Prayer Is Real Thing Starting Right Now, Just Might Work: THE LIVEBLOOG…
  the power of christ compels me

Tulsa Cop Sues For God-Given Right To Not Have To Talk To Islamics

A police officer in Tulsa has been suspended because he arrested a minority without reasonable suspicion for a vague and unspecified “crime.” No, just joking, they’d never be suspended for that! But he was suspended for refusing to attend a mandatory cultural event at a mosque. A Tulsa police officer and devout Christian is suing his department after being punished for refusing to go to a mosque for a mandatory cultural event. Police Capt. Paul Campbell Fields, a 17-year veteran, was docked two weeks’ pay, transferred, reduced to the graveyard shift and made ineligible for promotions for at least a year, after he told his chief his faith made it impossible for him to attend a “Law Enforcement Appreciation Day” at the Islamic Cultural Society of Tulsa, according to the lawsuit. Here is what Fields was asked to do: go to this event. Understand that Muslims were people. Afterward, he was more than welcome to go home and read Pam Geller posts about how the Obama Administration’s school lunch requirements were an effort to force halal food on children, but come the fuck on, dude. Nut up. Read more on Tulsa Cop Sues For God-Given Right To Not Have To Talk To Islamics…
  the glossies

Amazing Magazine ‘The Conservative Teen’ Has A Lot To Say, None Of It By Teens

Today is a good day. Here is a magazine called The Conservative Teen, whose first issue is miraculously FREE and ONLINE for you to read in its entirety. The Conservative Teen appears to essentially be one of those “$4.99 ORDINARILY BUT FOR YOU, FREE!” fake magazines like Raw Life Today, or whatever, that sneak their way into your doctor’s waiting room. Except with The Conservative Teen, what we have is not product-touting, but idea-touting. IDEAS. Finally, some ideas. Like how to always have a baby at any time. And to never watch Glee. And of course, because the titular reader of this magazine doesn’t know anything because they are home-schooled in a patient manner, the articles in The Conservative Teen are written by grownups, who all happen to be involved with either The Heritage Foundation, Fox Business News, the Family Research Council or the Media Research Center. Fun fun fun! Read more on Amazing Magazine ‘The Conservative Teen’ Has A Lot To Say, None Of It By Teens…
  he hath spoken (through one of his spokespeople)

God: Romney Is ‘Accursed,’ Santorum Will Save Economy With Christianity

According to some utterer named Steven Andrew, God has spoken through a man with two first names, and it is time for Christians to unite behind Rick Santorum, because his Christ-inanity will fix the economy, and Mitt Romney is “accursed.” Further, Romney is “against everything the USA was founded upon,” by which he means Jesus Christ, and this is why he must go, says Steven “God” Andrew. Perplexingly, Santorum decided this weekend that the economy is refreshingly not a big issue in this election, suddenly, because it is never a big issue for him, who is still somehow running in this election in the name of the burning rubber scent of a zillion diaphragms. Anyway, why Rick, or this particular Rick? “God” says he is “mature,” which is what happens to the dried milk of livestock when it sticks around this earth and is not eaten. Read more on God: Romney Is ‘Accursed,’ Santorum Will Save Economy With Christianity…
  sue everybody

Court Rules Teachers Still Allowed to Mention Creationism Is Ridiculous

In a stunning upset victory for common sense, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals threw out a lawsuit against a high school history teacher brought by one of his students who complained the teacher said in class that Creationism is “religious, superstitious nonsense.” In the Olden Daze this would have been the sort of moment where the student raises his hand and says, “I disagree with you, shall we discuss this?” but eh, someone’s homework assignment didn’t exactly get done last night, how about he sues for an injunction instead? No more homework from that sharia atheist teacher again, ever! Read more on Court Rules Teachers Still Allowed to Mention Creationism Is Ridiculous…
  dept. of fakers

Rick Perry’s Strong Faith Instructs Him To Give Almost Nothing To Charity

Texas Governor Rick Perry’s National “Prayer-a-palooza” abdication ceremony is now officially doomed to failure, because Rick Perry has been holding out on God in the financial department by a serious margin. Rick Perry earned $2.68 million from 2000 to 2009, of which he donated 0.5% to charity. Regular Americans donate an average of 1.2% of their income, making Rick Perry below-averagely qualified to ask God to fix all his problems. Or maybe this is why Rick Perry wants to pray with all those other people, hoping God can sort of consider their giving cumulatively and give him a pass. “Our community has given so much, Lord” Perry can actually say, as long as he is not praying by himself. Read more on Rick Perry’s Strong Faith Instructs Him To Give Almost Nothing To Charity…
  the book that can justify anything!

Bryan Fischer: Jesus Had Disciples So They Would Become GOP Politicians

“Jesus’ entire discipleship program with his apostles was an academy designed to prepare them for service in the political arena.” Oh, right, of course, Bryan Fischer. Christianity is really nothing more than one bearded guy’s boutique political consulting/candidate training shop. “I will wash your feet, then you go forth and wash the feet of wealthy campaign bundlers and make sure they bring in the big bucks so you can make a large media buy,” said Christ to the disciples. Bryan Fischer knows Jesus wanted Christians to be politicians. But he didn’t want just any kind of politicians; he wanted politicians that cut social programs for poor people. Yep, that sounds like Jesus. Read more on Bryan Fischer: Jesus Had Disciples So They Would Become GOP Politicians…
  high drama

Protestor Throws Crosses At Muslim Praying Near White House

According to TPM’s Ryan J. Reilly, a police officer at the scene said this Muslim man shows up at the White House “every couple days” to pray. That was lucky for anti-Sharia protestors who were there and couldn’t find any Muslims to yell at. Read more on Protestor Throws Crosses At Muslim Praying Near White House…
  jesus doesn't care either

People Get Mad That Dumb Alabama Gov Says Weird Christian Things

Robert Bentley is the governor of Alabama and a Republican. Therefore, he got in trouble this week for implying that people who are not Christians are not his “brother and sister.” And then, suddenly, atheists and the Anti-Defamation League and followers of the First Slammin’ Church of Patrick Ewing and what have you got upset that they were not included in this. What? Why in the world would they want to be this man’s sibling? You know who comes up on the street and tells you they’re your brother or sister? Just Christians and insane homeless people who want to wash your eyelids with a dirty wet rag for money. Calm down, people. Read more on People Get Mad That Dumb Alabama Gov Says Weird Christian Things…
  cowpoked

Federal Reserve Forces Official Bank of Jesus To Cancel Christmas

A small-town bank in Oklahoma is under siege by governmental secularizing forces this holiday season, as the Federal Reserve is very jealous of their impressive Jesus-themed bank and wants to ruin it for everyone. According to a local teevee news station website, the Fed comes ’round every four years with a list of regulations to make sure banks are not just stealing their customers’ money or whatever, one of which prohibits discriminatory preference for the religion of some customers over others. Well, guilty as charged, you big meanies, as this awesome bank was totally decked out in Jesus branding all year long; don’t worry, though: Congress is going to stand up for them. Read more on Federal Reserve Forces Official Bank of Jesus To Cancel Christmas…
  sure whatever

‘Prayer Caucus’ Phones In a New ‘Obama Hates God’ Thing

It is a very slow news day today, in honor of John Lennon, a man who wrote music and died one time. It also seems slow for something called the Congressional Prayer Caucus, which seeks to make Americans pray more by sticking prayer earmarks into the law books or something. What is the controversy? Obama doesn’t say “God” enough for them, of course. He recently said “E pluribus unum” is the national motto, but it is not, because Dwight Eisenhower made “In God We Trust” the motto thing, trusting that nobody would ever care about such trivial matters, much less make it their entire business of being in government. Of course, “E pluribus unum” is considered a national motto, and Obama still says God a lot, but they do not care, because they need something to pretend to get irate about today. Read more on ‘Prayer Caucus’ Phones In a New ‘Obama Hates God’ Thing…