Wonkette

MSNBC analyst Patrick “Pat” Buchanan hates Michelle Obama because she didn’t specifically say “church” in her speech last night. Apparently, the OPENING PRAYER and CLOSING BENEDICTION to Jesus at the convention weren’t enough to prove to Average Americans that Democrats don’t worship a cat’s asshole. [YouTube]

“Doctor” James Dobson’s hub of fundies, Focus on the Family, is worse than Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao, Lyndon Johnson and Senator-cum-Emperor freaking Palpatine combined, times a billion, squared, plus seven. While some “new-wave” fundies show potential to be not quite as awful — they care about poverty! — we still have to deal with the likes of Old Dobson and his minions, however muted they are these days, for like another 10 years before he hopefully dies, alone, one cell croaking painfully at a time. Look at these twats, now they are “praying for a deluge to drown out Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention in two weeks’ time.” They are asking for “abundant, torrential” downpours. And they’ve made a video for this! MORE »

Hey, maybe Jeremiah Wright wants Barack Obama to be president after all! Following EXPLOSIVE reports that he was going to publish a picture book in October featuring Barack Obama getting AIDS from the Muslim prophet Mohammad, Reverend Wright’s daughter now says that he has absolutely no plans to write a book any time soon. She also says her father would respond personally to email inquiries, but he is in “email hell,” which we are informed means “a place in Ghana where it’s difficult to send and receive email.” When will Barack Obama apologize for his former pastor’s daughter using the word “hell” so glibly? [The Roland Report]

MAH JESUS BOOK DON’T NONE LIKE THIS: Oh heavens, first they came for our family, and then our hamburgers, and then our family again, and now our motorcars too: “Police in Manila are looking to convert their patrol cars to run on a mixture of diesel and used cooking oil from McDonald’s, officials and the company said Tuesday.” MCDONALD NOW YOU GITCHER HOMO OIL OUTTA MAH F-250 ELSE’N ISE FIXIN TA BOYCOTT MAH RIDE ‘N’ RUIN YER ECONOMETRICKS. [AFP/Breitbart]

So of course these mouth-breathers running the American Family Association’s “Boycott McDonald’s” program have a YouTube channel, how did it take us so long. Quick background for newcomers: a few Christian Fundamentalists are boycotting McDonald’s because this “restaurant” supports fags, the end. You can watch their funny one-minute trailer about Ronald McDonald molesting your children with his hamburgers, after the jump. MORE »

Last week we discovered the website “Boycott McDonald’s,” an American Family Association initiative that criticizes McDonald’s for one time giving some gay thing $20,000 to make an ad or whatever BACKING THE FULL GAY AGENDA. We showed a litany of samples from the site’s comment section, and it was very popular, so now we are going to post more funny comments from it. At least 8 of the top 10 funniest things on the Internet are comments from this website. MORE »

American hero Ted Haggard, the former pastor of a MEGACHURCH in Colorado Springs who quit in 2006 after fucking male prostitutes while on meth, has finally finished his holy “Spiritual Restoration” program, and can do whatever he wants. And all he wants to do is bang his wife and worship Jesus and live in his old house, with Jesus! [AP]

Honest St. John McCain sure keeps honest companies — lobbyist paramours, regular lobbyists who control every aspect of his campaign, and religious fundamentalists. First there was John Hagee, the anti-papist who McCain didn’t denounce for a long time; now we have Rod Parsley, a televangelist from Ohio. Mother Jones‘ David Corn has the full scoop on this guy, who McCain, “with Parsley by his side at the Cincinnati rally, called a ’spiritual guide.’” Interesting, since this guide likes to say that “Allah was a demon spirit.” MORE »

Here’s an underreported story about the Republican primary race: Why has God been such a lazy campaigner for his candidate, Mike Huckabee? Sure, God is busy making humans, and the weather, and American foreign policy. But God made a commitment to Mike Huckabee when He endorsed him, and He has been almost as lazy a campaigner as Fred Thompson ever since. Because of this, Huckabee’s supporters are making a last-ditch effort to drag God out onto the campaign trail this Sunday via mass worship. The Pray for Huckabee effort does not mince words: “Join us February 24, 2008 as we pray for God to make a way for Mike Huckabee to become president.” MORE »

The Fundies are out to get Barack, and they have created a timeline of Barack’s Islamic Muslim life on the website MyChurch.org. It features some revealing insight into why Barack Obama, “Son of a Luo Tribesman,” plans on blowing up the White House in the name of Muslim Jesus. MORE »

Hey look kids, Mike Huckabee called involuntary Christianity a “spiritual rape.” Thank you, Michael, for describing your would-be presidency in the most accurate two-word phrase the English language can produce. And thanks to the “United Homos” for this lovely piece of cinema. [YouTube]

As you made your New Year’s Resolution this (last?) year, did you take into account what THE LORD OUR GOD may have wanted you to decide? Oh you did? Well you were probably wrong. Because Pat Robertson spoke directly to God and got the old man’s resolution, as he informed viewers on his teevee program today. In case you forgot to TiVo it, God’s plan is simple and generous (you know God!): He’s “going to give us China.” MORE »

Today, Congress is earning its keep exactly as the Founding Fathers intended: by saying Christmas is kinduva big deal. Iowa congressman Steve King — famous for hating poor, sick children — is introducing House Resolution 847, which officially will recognize “the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.” Take that, teh Iraqz and health care crises of the world! Full text of the resolution, after the jump. MORE »