Tag Archives: christianity

  In which we have "feelings" and bullshit like that

A Sappy Love Letter From Your Gay Wonkette, About America Getting Gay Marriaged In The Butt

That's yr gay Wonkette's niece. She's actually a wingnut, but her parents pose her for pictures like this.
Thursday night, I sat in my parents’ front yard just outside Memphis and looked at the house where I spent my teenage years. I wasn’t intending to have either Poignant Thoughts or A Moment, I just wanted to smoke a cigarette. (SHUT UP, I AM QUITTING.) I looked at the windows of my old bedroom and suddenly remembered, “Oh, tomorrow might be the day.” And then, surprisingly but not out of nowhere, I remembered the early ’90s, when I started to realize I was “different.” Well, I already knew THAT. I was a weird kid: I’d been playing piano since the age of four and reading since two; I was not all that athletic (I’m being generous); and I was just generally WEIRD. Suddenly, as I hit puberty, I realized that all those sexxxy thoughts I was having were about the boys in my class, not the girls. Read more on A Sappy Love Letter From Your Gay Wonkette, About America Getting Gay Marriaged In The Butt…
  man fuck this guy

Mike Huckabee: Can We Shut Up About Racism And Talk About My Lord And Savior Jesus Christ?

STFU, Huckabee.
When Mike Huckabee was first asked whether the Confederate flag should fly in South Carolina, he said Americans don’t “want [presidential candidates] to weigh in on every little issue in all 50 states that might be an important issue to the people of that state but not on the desk of the president,” because clearly the president of America is not president of the individual states that make up America. He also said you can’t assume, based on the actions of one lunatic, and also the state’s official endorsement of the Confederate flag, that the state is racist. The “lone wolf racist” has nothing to do with the lone racist flag, apparently. Read more on Mike Huckabee: Can We Shut Up About Racism And Talk About My Lord And Savior Jesus Christ?…
  NSFW because Huckabee

Mike Huckabee Wants You To Know He’s Still Mighty Proud To Be A-Hole

Not sorry one bit
Grinning sack of deep-fried squirrel meat Mike Huckabee is a jerk and a pervert, and he’s damn proud of that, mister. Damn proud. Last week, we learned about his EWWWWWW GROSS fantasies of pretending to be transgender in high school, to sneak into the girls’ locker room and ogle their lady privates, like a pervert, HAW HAW. Read more on Mike Huckabee Wants You To Know He’s Still Mighty Proud To Be A-Hole…
  Trigger warning for Mike Huckabee's fantasies

Mike Huckabee’s Secret Trans Fantasy: High School Sex Boobies For Everyone!

Let us tell you our sex fantasies.
Hahaha, you know what’s funny, you guys? Transgender people! At least, if you are Mike Huckabee or any of the dildo-brained malcontents who respect him. Back in February, Huckabee spoke to the National Religious Broadcasters Convention, but WorldNetDaily just uploaded the video to its YouTube account, so now we get to see it! Huckabee’s speech was about, of course, “religious freedom!” and how Christianity is under attack from all corners. And of course, some of those attackers are transgender people, who would like to use the restroom please. Of course, since Huckabee and like-minded wingnuts are equal parts stupid and bigoted, the scientific reality of transgender people is reduced to “I wanna pretend I’m a lady so I can go in the girls’ locker room and see the boobies!” Read more on Mike Huckabee’s Secret Trans Fantasy: High School Sex Boobies For Everyone!…
  Don't Know Much About A Science Book

Rick Santorum Such A Idiot He Can’t Even Deny Science Good

Probably should pull the cone outta his mouth to make room for his foot.
Poor ol’ Rick Santorum is already having a hard time keeping up with the Conservaherd in the Great 2016 Republican Coronation Scramble. Just look at his lame, thoroughly derivative attempt to ignore climate science during a Thursday event in Des Moines, Iowa: Read more on Rick Santorum Such A Idiot He Can’t Even Deny Science Good…
  America is cancelled

Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack

Definitely not an NWA fan.
Bill O’Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian, and now that number is only 70.6 percent, sadface. So who is to blame? Is it the Jooz and the Muslims? MAYBE! Their numbers have grown by a whopping 0.2 percent and 0.5 percent, respectively. They are attacking Americans with their matzoh balls and their Sharia law! But no, the real culprit is the “unaffiliated” lot, who are now a full 22.8 percent of the population. Bill O’Reilly knows what it causing this, and it is rap music: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack…
  Derp By Association

Shocking Million Word Wingnut Exposé Proves Obama’s Kenyan ‘Grandma’ Is A Muslim

Now it can be told!
Warm up the Drudge Sirens, patriots! We have some major derp incoming at Bradlee Dean’s Clearinghouse For Stupid Shit That Not Even WND Would Publish, in the form of a major exposé of Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s family in The Kenya, which did you know is just crawling with Muslims? The piece, by wingnuts’ favorite ex-Muslim Walid “No Really, I was Totally a Terrorist” Shoebat, informs us that Barack Obama’s grandmother, Sarah Omar Obama (AKA “grandma Obama,” AKA “Grandma Sarah,” AKA “Mama Sarah,” which you’d think someone else would have trademarked) is a devout Muslim who recently visited Mecca, where she said nice things about Islam, if you can believe that! Read more on Shocking Million Word Wingnut Exposé Proves Obama’s Kenyan ‘Grandma’ Is A Muslim…
  Easter: A Time For Airing Grievances

Obama Stomps All Over Jesus At Easter Prayer Breakfast, Wingnuts Outraged

Here's the Atheist Muslim Secularist quoting Jesus again
Oh, dear, there goes Barack Obama again, attacking all of Christendom with an unspeakable slur! A few weeks back he offended all decent Christians by saying historically accurate things about the Crusades and slavery to note that bad things are sometimes done in the name of religion, even though they violate the tenets of those religions — clear code for “I like ISIS a whole lot!” Now he’s gone and profaned the Risen Lord by slagging on all of Christendom at a post-Easter “Easter Prayer Breakfast” held Tuesday morning. Just how horrible was the slur against Christians that Obama delivered? Just take a look at this hed at Gateway Pundit, where Jim Hoft continues his desperate bid to regain his crown as Stupidest Man on the Internet: Read more on Obama Stomps All Over Jesus At Easter Prayer Breakfast, Wingnuts Outraged…
  Nowhere to run nowhere to hide

Get To Baby-Making, Duggars! Muslims To Outnumber You In Only 55 Years!

Hold on tight, Patriotic American Christians, for a calamity approacheth! The Pew Research Center has released a study that finds, if things keep going the way they are, there will be more Muslims than Christians in the world in 2070. You will be glad to know the Drudge Report is not freaking out over this or anything, naaaaah, they’re just posting a link to the story at the very top of their page, illustrated with a picture of a concerned little white girl who might be about to cry: Read more on Get To Baby-Making, Duggars! Muslims To Outnumber You In Only 55 Years!…
  Shiva Maniac Maniac On the Floor

Idaho Legislator Will Never Apologize, Never Surrender, For Explaining Hindu Gods Are Fake

We know who we like better
Left: Sheryl Nuxoll, Member, Idaho Senate (R-Cottonwood); Right: Ganesha, Hindu god of beginnings, wisdom (Party affiliation unknown) A couple weeks ago, there was quite the to-do in the Idaho Legislature when three state senators walked out on an invocation given by a Hindu clergyman (initial reports put the number at seven, but, it turns out three were just plain late showing up, while a fourth was also late, but was “disappointed” when he learned the prayer wasn’t Christian). Since then, one of the three, state Sen. Sheryl Nuxoll, has continued to make waves on the JesusWeb for comments she made following the walkout, calling Hinduism a “false faith with false gods” and refusing to apologize. Nuxoll’s brave resistance to the wave of Hinduism that’s apparently taking over the Gem State even drew notice from the American Family Association, which carried a story about her on its OneNewsNow site Monday: Read more on Idaho Legislator Will Never Apologize, Never Surrender, For Explaining Hindu Gods Are Fake…
  Missionary positions available

Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!

Imagine you are a center of Legitimate Jesus Worship during the day, and a center of NEKKID BEACH PARTIES at night, because this is part of your “ministry.” You would be the Life Center: A Spiritual Community church, in Panama City Beach, and now the mean government is saying you’ve lost your tax exempt status because they’re just not sure college kids painting their naked Adam and Eve parts for Spring Break time on the beach is something any benevolent deity has actually requested recently. The government is the WORST: Read more on Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!…
  let them not eat cake

Fundie Indiana Cake Bakers ‘Forced’ To Close Due To Gays Wanting Cake

Artworks like this reserved for True Christians.
Randy and Tish McGath were just normal fundamentalist assholes with a propensity for frosting. They opened a nice place called the 111 Cakery in a very gayborhood-y part of Indianapolis, so that they might witness to the homosexuals through decorative baking. But that all changed, are you Wonkers ready to weep as you learn the tale of the latest Christians who have been beaten and murdered by gays, due to their sincerely held religious beliefs? Well, you’re OUT OF LUCK, because this is just another one of those dumb stories about wingnuts voluntarily deciding to close down shop (they use the word “forced” because it sounds martyr-y, not because it’s true) because they don’t want to risk Jesus sending them to hell for selling celebratory baked goods for gay weddings: Read more on Fundie Indiana Cake Bakers ‘Forced’ To Close Due To Gays Wanting Cake…
  Homo-nazis will have to destroy North Carolina later too busy trying to find a place to pee

Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It

Last night, the Southern town of Charlotte, North Carolina, did a real big stupid, failing to pass an anti-discrimination ordinance that would add LGBT people to the list of protected groups. Wingnut opponents of the ordinance, of course, were most worried about the possibility that somewhere, somehow, a transgender person might be out there responding to the call of nature, and not even ashamed of themselves for it. This is an outrage, because how dare they, despite what you have heard in children’s books, NOT EVERYBODY POOPS, especially not transgender people! Read more on Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It…
  Tossing the Lord's apples

Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss

The evangelical Christians are fighting over the gays, everyone! Specifically, they are fighting at ultra-conservative Wheaton College in Illinois, where a simple nice chapel time turned into a fruit-tossing contest. NO THEY DID NOT THROW GAY PEOPLE AT EACH OTHER, you should not be calling gays “fruits,” anyway, you dicks, did you learn nothing at liberal indoctrination camp? Read more on Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss…
  Going Back To Kali

Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts.

Danger Yoga!
Pat Robertson reminded his viewers (we assume he has some) on Tuesday that the world is beset with traps and snares for the unwary Christian, like the prospect that a simple exercise class could trick your innocent child into speaking in foreign tongues and invoking strange Hindoo devil-gods! Read more on Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts….
  Numbers don't lie

SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots

At least he spells good
Brace yourselves for some stunning, shocking, jaw-dropping, too-amazing-to-believe-yet-totally-believable news! According to a new poll from PPP, the Republican Party is overflowing with morons. It’s true. In fact, it’s SCIENCE! Or MATH! Or some kind of liberal hoax thing! Read more on SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots…
  Stupid Punt

Scott Walker Not About To Admit Obama’s As Christian As He Is

Hey, what do I know?
Wisconsin governor and God’s Gift to Wonkette Scott Walker said this weekend that he didn’t know whether Barack Obama is a Christian, but he only said that as a matter of principle to make the media look stupid, he explained. And wow, did that ever work! Read more on Scott Walker Not About To Admit Obama’s As Christian As He Is…
  Antlers In Genesis

Creationists: Darwin Was Wrong And Unicorns Are Real

Don't forget First Man and Coyote, either!
Delaware Gov. Jack Markell has declared Charles Darwin’s birthday, Feb. 12, to be “Charles Darwin Day,” and a bill has been introduced in the U.S. Congress to do the same. Not that the current House would pass it. But hilarious wingnut creationist Ken Ham will not let these official recognitions of The Enemy go unanswered, so he’s declared Feb. 12 to be “Darwin Was Wrong Day.” Presumably he’ll celebrate by going to the Smithsonian’s Museum of Natural History and shouting “Nyeah, Nyeah, Nyeah! Were you THERE?” all day. Read more on Creationists: Darwin Was Wrong And Unicorns Are Real…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week, Sarah Palin pumped out a lot of Christmas-themed content, showing us that it is truly better to give than to receive, so long as you’re giving to the Sarah Palin Channel. On closer inspection, all her Christmas videos are from the same filming session, thus further proving our theory that the Sarah Palin Channel is the most ruthlessly efficient grift going. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All…
  What's All This Fuss About Eye Cysts Anyway?

Very Important Wingnut: Repeal The First Amendment So ISIS Doesn’t Get Us

Just look up 'Backpfeifengesicht'
Never one to let an opportunity for paranoia pass by, the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins found a way to link fear of ISIS with one of his favorite fears, the specter of secularism (which is going to make Christianity illegal any day now). Read more on Very Important Wingnut: Repeal The First Amendment So ISIS Doesn’t Get Us…
  The Full Tony Clifton

Ann Coulter Continues Her ‘Not Sure If Trolling?’ Summer Tour

Ann Coulter continues her summer-long metamorphosis from screeching, #SlatePitching hate troll to design-school drop-out performance artist. It all started back in June, when she suggested with a straight face that enjoying soccer was a sign of “national decay.” Yesterday, it continued with her latest column about Dr. Kent Brantly, the American physician she accuses of “Christian narcissism” for the mortal sin of trying to help Africans afflicted with hemorrhagic fever. You try to make sense out of the opening of Coulter’s column, because we can’t. Read more on Ann Coulter Continues Her ‘Not Sure If Trolling?’ Summer Tour…