Tag Archives: christianity

  Shiva Maniac Maniac On the Floor

Idaho Legislator Will Never Apologize, Never Surrender, For Explaining Hindu Gods Are Fake

We know who we like better
Left: Sheryl Nuxoll, Member, Idaho Senate (R-Cottonwood); Right: Ganesha, Hindu god of beginnings, wisdom (Party affiliation unknown) A couple weeks ago, there was quite the to-do in the Idaho Legislature when three state senators walked out on an invocation given by a Hindu clergyman (initial reports put the number at seven, but, it turns out three were just plain late showing up, while a fourth was also late, but was “disappointed” when he learned the prayer wasn’t Christian). Since then, one of the three, state Sen. Sheryl Nuxoll, has continued to make waves on the JesusWeb for comments she made following the walkout, calling Hinduism a “false faith with false gods” and refusing to apologize. Nuxoll’s brave resistance to the wave of Hinduism that’s apparently taking over the Gem State even drew notice from the American Family Association, which carried a story about her on its OneNewsNow site Monday: Read more on Idaho Legislator Will Never Apologize, Never Surrender, For Explaining Hindu Gods Are Fake…
  Missionary positions available

Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!

Imagine you are a center of Legitimate Jesus Worship during the day, and a center of NEKKID BEACH PARTIES at night, because this is part of your “ministry.” You would be the Life Center: A Spiritual Community church, in Panama City Beach, and now the mean government is saying you’ve lost your tax exempt status because they’re just not sure college kids painting their naked Adam and Eve parts for Spring Break time on the beach is something any benevolent deity has actually requested recently. The government is the WORST: Read more on Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!…
  let them not eat cake

Fundie Indiana Cake Bakers ‘Forced’ To Close Due To Gays Wanting Cake

Artworks like this reserved for True Christians.
Randy and Tish McGath were just normal fundamentalist assholes with a propensity for frosting. They opened a nice place called the 111 Cakery in a very gayborhood-y part of Indianapolis, so that they might witness to the homosexuals through decorative baking. But that all changed, are you Wonkers ready to weep as you learn the tale of the latest Christians who have been beaten and murdered by gays, due to their sincerely held religious beliefs? Well, you’re OUT OF LUCK, because this is just another one of those dumb stories about wingnuts voluntarily deciding to close down shop (they use the word “forced” because it sounds martyr-y, not because it’s true) because they don’t want to risk Jesus sending them to hell for selling celebratory baked goods for gay weddings: Read more on Fundie Indiana Cake Bakers ‘Forced’ To Close Due To Gays Wanting Cake…
  Homo-nazis will have to destroy North Carolina later too busy trying to find a place to pee

Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It

Last night, the Southern town of Charlotte, North Carolina, did a real big stupid, failing to pass an anti-discrimination ordinance that would add LGBT people to the list of protected groups. Wingnut opponents of the ordinance, of course, were most worried about the possibility that somewhere, somehow, a transgender person might be out there responding to the call of nature, and not even ashamed of themselves for it. This is an outrage, because how dare they, despite what you have heard in children’s books, NOT EVERYBODY POOPS, especially not transgender people! Read more on Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It…
  Tossing the Lord's apples

Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss

The evangelical Christians are fighting over the gays, everyone! Specifically, they are fighting at ultra-conservative Wheaton College in Illinois, where a simple nice chapel time turned into a fruit-tossing contest. NO THEY DID NOT THROW GAY PEOPLE AT EACH OTHER, you should not be calling gays “fruits,” anyway, you dicks, did you learn nothing at liberal indoctrination camp? Read more on Christian College Kids Now Beaning Gay-Lovers With Fruit For Jesus, Are Too Lame, Always Miss…
  Going Back To Kali

Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts.

Danger Yoga!
Pat Robertson reminded his viewers (we assume he has some) on Tuesday that the world is beset with traps and snares for the unwary Christian, like the prospect that a simple exercise class could trick your innocent child into speaking in foreign tongues and invoking strange Hindoo devil-gods! Read more on Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts….
  Numbers don't lie

SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots

At least he spells good
Brace yourselves for some stunning, shocking, jaw-dropping, too-amazing-to-believe-yet-totally-believable news! According to a new poll from PPP, the Republican Party is overflowing with morons. It’s true. In fact, it’s SCIENCE! Or MATH! Or some kind of liberal hoax thing! Read more on SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots…
  Stupid Punt

Scott Walker Not About To Admit Obama’s As Christian As He Is

Hey, what do I know?
Wisconsin governor and God’s Gift to Wonkette Scott Walker said this weekend that he didn’t know whether Barack Obama is a Christian, but he only said that as a matter of principle to make the media look stupid, he explained. And wow, did that ever work! Read more on Scott Walker Not About To Admit Obama’s As Christian As He Is…
  Antlers In Genesis

Creationists: Darwin Was Wrong And Unicorns Are Real

Don't forget First Man and Coyote, either!
Delaware Gov. Jack Markell has declared Charles Darwin’s birthday, Feb. 12, to be “Charles Darwin Day,” and a bill has been introduced in the U.S. Congress to do the same. Not that the current House would pass it. But hilarious wingnut creationist Ken Ham will not let these official recognitions of The Enemy go unanswered, so he’s declared Feb. 12 to be “Darwin Was Wrong Day.” Presumably he’ll celebrate by going to the Smithsonian’s Museum of Natural History and shouting “Nyeah, Nyeah, Nyeah! Were you THERE?” all day. Read more on Creationists: Darwin Was Wrong And Unicorns Are Real…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week, Sarah Palin pumped out a lot of Christmas-themed content, showing us that it is truly better to give than to receive, so long as you’re giving to the Sarah Palin Channel. On closer inspection, all her Christmas videos are from the same filming session, thus further proving our theory that the Sarah Palin Channel is the most ruthlessly efficient grift going. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All…
  What's All This Fuss About Eye Cysts Anyway?

Very Important Wingnut: Repeal The First Amendment So ISIS Doesn’t Get Us

Just look up 'Backpfeifengesicht'
Never one to let an opportunity for paranoia pass by, the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins found a way to link fear of ISIS with one of his favorite fears, the specter of secularism (which is going to make Christianity illegal any day now). Read more on Very Important Wingnut: Repeal The First Amendment So ISIS Doesn’t Get Us…
  The Full Tony Clifton

Ann Coulter Continues Her ‘Not Sure If Trolling?’ Summer Tour

Ann Coulter continues her summer-long metamorphosis from screeching, #SlatePitching hate troll to design-school drop-out performance artist. It all started back in June, when she suggested with a straight face that enjoying soccer was a sign of “national decay.” Yesterday, it continued with her latest column about Dr. Kent Brantly, the American physician she accuses of “Christian narcissism” for the mortal sin of trying to help Africans afflicted with hemorrhagic fever. You try to make sense out of the opening of Coulter’s column, because we can’t. Read more on Ann Coulter Continues Her ‘Not Sure If Trolling?’ Summer Tour…
  bless their hearts

Kentucky Churches Giving Away Guns, Letting Jesus Sort ‘Em Out

It seems like a pretty sweet deal: Accept Jesus Christ as your savior and when you die, you’ll go to Heaven, which we’ve heard is just heavenly. But some people are canny, you know? They’re looking for that little extra sweetener before they sign away their souls. Well, the Kentucky Baptist Convention has got these savvy salvation seekers covered. In an effort its spokesman has described as “outreach to rednecks,” the Kentucky Baptist Convention is leading “Second Amendment Celebrations,” where churches around the state give away guns as door prizes to lure in the unchurched in hopes of converting them to Christ. Eternal life in the Kingdom of your Creator? You can lock that in. A chance to win a deadly weapon? You bank that. And if you’re still on that fence, how’s a steak dinner sound? Read more on Kentucky Churches Giving Away Guns, Letting Jesus Sort ‘Em Out…
  let he who thinks she's a druggie cast the first stone

Bill O’Reilly Pretty Confident Jesus Wouldn’t Feed Kids If Their Parents Were Druggies

Great Protector of Christmas Bill O’Reilly has these tidings of comfort and joy for you, America: Yeah, sure, Jesus fed the poor and he wants people to feed the poor. But is that any reason to feed the poor? In a spirited chat with yes-man priest Fr. Gerald Murray (with easily dismissed contributions from token liberal pastor Joshua DuBois), O’Reilly questioned how far good Christians need to take this whole “feed the poor” shtick anyway: “The problem I have, as I stated is that you’re helping one group by hurting another group and a bigger group, and so I don’t know if Jesus is going to be down with that.” DuBois thought maybe Jesus might be down with that, seeing as how private charity only makes up about 10% of what’s needed to feed everyone. Father Murray thought it was RIDICULOSE to think that Jesus would support Big Government, because that’s just silly. “We take care of the poor for spiritual motives,” he said, which presumably means that if government does food stamps, that’s like taking away people’s chance to be all spiritual somehow. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Pretty Confident Jesus Wouldn’t Feed Kids If Their Parents Were Druggies…
  by grabthar's nine iron you will be avenged

Golf Sponsor Decides What To Do With Own Money, Glenn Beck Fans Outraged

Here’s a new squirmish in the Culture Wars: A businessman in Virginia has dropped his sponsorship of a pro golfer because he’s not all that crazy about the golfer’s political and religious views. The business guy, Brian McMahon, had been sponsoring golfer Jeff Cochran for almost a year to promote McMahon’s Nebraska Golf Card (NGC) business, one of those discount-card things, but McMahon, an atheist, terminated the business relationship after talking with Cochran and learning that he was a big fan of Glenn Beck, Ted Cruz, and Cruz’s bugfuck-crazy father, Raphael Cruz. Even worse, McMahon said mean things about Jesus and Christians and Ted Cruz, and even insulted Glenn Beck! Hey, fair enough, that’s how sponsorship works, right? Or maybe it’s… religious discrimination!?!? Read more on Golf Sponsor Decides What To Do With Own Money, Glenn Beck Fans Outraged…
  bulk-rate persecution on aisle six

Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As ‘Fiction’

Uh-oh, you guys. It looks like Costco has made White American Jesus shed some tears from his shiny, manly blue eyes. In an obvious move to persecute Christians, Costco set up a lion pit and began throwing Christians into it. Not really, because that would actually be persecution. Rather, Costco accidentally labeled some Bibles as fiction. But not all Costcos — just one store in California. Clearly, there are only two options to rectify this: repeal Obamacare or INPEACH Costco. Probably both, to be on the safe side. Logic, bitches.  Read more on Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As ‘Fiction’…
  smartest guy in the room

‘Unskewed Polls’ Guy Figures That Since Obama Is Gay, He’s Probably Not A Muslim

Our friends at Talking Points Memo think it’s news that Dean Chambers, the delusional data debaucher who gave the world “Unskewed Polls” to prove that Mitt Romney would win the election by eleventy-hundred electoral votes, is pretty sure that Barack Obama is a gay homosexual person who likes men. But this is not actually news! Dean Chambers, after all, was insisting back in May of this year that Obama was too busy with a cocaine-fueled gaysex orgy to save American heroes in Benghazi. Now, to be sure, Dean Chambers does have a new blog post “revealing” the Unbearable Gayness of Barack, but that’s not much of a surprise — the real surprise is that Chambers has done him some logic, and has decided to throw overboard a whole different Barack Obama Conspiracy Theory. If Obama’s gay, says Chambers, then he is probably not Muslim. This is pretty bold thinking for a wingnut, and we sincerely hope that Chambers does not suffer reprisals for his unorthodox views. He could very well be the target of a vicious wedgie attack. Read more on ‘Unskewed Polls’ Guy Figures That Since Obama Is Gay, He’s Probably Not A Muslim…
  the rupert murdoch literary supplement

Nice Time: Fox News Accidentally Sends That Muslim’s Jesus Book To Number One

Yesterday, we were among the nine million blogs that couldn’t believe that insanely hostile interview on Fox in which Fox’s Lauren Green kept badgering author Reza Aslan to explain his audacious act of being both a Muslim and a person who wrote a book about Jebus. Well, here’s some nice news: now that the video has gone viral, sales of the book, Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, have gone through the roof. The New York Times reports that Aslan’s publisher, Random House, says that sales have increased 35% in the two days following the video hitting the webospheres. We will just go out on a limb and guess that very few of those purchases came from Fox News viewers; the literate ones seem mostly to have been spamming the book’s reviews on Amazon. Read more on Nice Time: Fox News Accidentally Sends That Muslim’s Jesus Book To Number One…
  how'd the crescent moon get there huh?

Fox News Wants To Know Who Let Some Muslim Write A Jesus Book

Here is Fox News host Lauren Green doing what Fox News does best, channeling Fox News viewers’ mouth-breathing xenophobia into television programming. The lucky recipient is religious scholar Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, which attempts to sort out some facts about a socialist sandal-wearing hippie Palestinian troublemaker who was executed by the Romans. It’s the kind of historical scholarship that gets done all the time in academe, but that can freak out the faithful. But the interview doesn’t even get to the content of the book; it’s all about the fact that Reza Aslan is a Muslim who (gasp!) wrote a book about Jesus. Is that even allowed? We’d bet that Lauren Green is not actually as heroically stupid as she appears to be here, asking again and again (ThinkProgress counted nine times in the full 10-minute interview) just why on earth a Muslim person would go and write a book about “the founder of Christianity.” We’ll give Aslan credit for not simply saying, “Don’t be silly. I wrote a book about Jesus, not about Saul of Tarsus.” Read more on Fox News Wants To Know Who Let Some Muslim Write A Jesus Book…
  a solution finally

Tea Party Has New Holy Cause: Converting Known ‘Atheist’ George Soros!

The Tea Party is the absolute worst party in American history. It’s just like every sequel — the first one is totally awesome and brings about the creation of a new country, and the second one is Hangover 2. The Tea Party Nouveau is just like that! There is a fucking monkey and a Thai drug dealer and Michele Bachmann and whatshername, that one-time part-time quitter governor lady from that faraway iglooland place. The only change we have is more racism, an overabundance of derpitude, and a House of Representatives run by the Great Orange Crier. After trying to scam the gubmint to get out of paying taxes, how can the Tea Party possibly further ruin this week? Well, the religious scholars of the Alexander Lakes Area Tea Party recently decided to open their holier-than-thou, spittle-filled pieholes and spew forth vomitous awfulness. Ready to have your afternoon day-drinking buzz killed? Let’s go! The Alexandria Lakes Area Tea Party (ALATP), Alexandria, MN, would like to invite you to participate in a world-wide prayer campaign for the conversion of George Soros from atheism to Christianity. Let’s see what we know about George Soros. He is worth $4.5 gazillion dollars, is totally in love with Our Kenyan Emperor, and gives lots of monies away to super-duper liberal causes. Anything else about his past? Nah, nothing important we can think of. Read more on Tea Party Has New Holy Cause: Converting Known ‘Atheist’ George Soros!…
  sentiment is for the weak

A Children’s Treasury Of People Standing On Graves, Like That Awful Piers Morgan

Something startling happened a few days ago, guys… Zombie Breitbart editor Ben Shapiro said something… hyperbolic. On TELEVISION. Breitbart.com editor-at-large Ben Shapiro last night accused CNN’s Piers Morgan of “standing on the graves of the children of Sandy Hook” to “bully” and “demonize” pro-gun advocates. Aw, poor gun people, being bullied by the phone-hacker who pulled Larry King’s old chair out of a dumpster. “You have been a bully on this issue… I watch your show, and I’ve seen it repeatedly, what you tend to do is you tend to demonize people who differ from you politically by standing on the graves of the children of Sandy Hook, saying they don’t seem to care enough about the dead kids,” Shapiro said. How rude of Piers, fighting for a position after a horrible tragedy! If something happens and you are mad about it, trying to prevent it from happening again is Standing On Graves. SHAME, PIERS. Good thing Shapiro was around to defend the dead kid-graves, from people who would rather they be alive! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of People Standing On Graves, Like That Awful Piers Morgan…