Tag Archives: Christianists

  She Also Knew We'd Make Fun Of Her

God Gives Lady Gift Of Prophecy To Save The World, Predict How Movies End

If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Spoiler alert: These people are insufferable. In a recent video (sadly not embeddable), self-proclaimed Christian “prophets” Rebecca Greenwood and traditional straight-married couple Cindy and Mike Jacobs compared notes on how exactly their God-given gifts of prophecy work. It was pretty impressive, and we had no idea how trying the work of prophecy could be! Read more on God Gives Lady Gift Of Prophecy To Save The World, Predict How Movies End…
  what about our freedom to imprison you?

Republicans Invite Hate-Group Leader To Whine To Congress About Persecution, Starting, Like, Now!

You’ve probably heard by now how all those Rainbow Shirt Enforcer Squads™ are coming straight from the Castro to cram buttsechs down Middle America’s throat. You have also probably heard that this country’s ever-increasing tolerance for The Gay is actually an Affront to Liberty, and more importantly the rights of Not Gays to discriminate against their sodomite compatriots, as Jesus and Thomas Jefferson intended. These are all existentially true statements, of course, and we should all be cognizant of the FACT that white fundamentalist Christians are the Real Oppressed Minorities, what with having to bake wedding cakes for homogay couples and maybe having to share a bathroom with a Not-Female who is no doubt only trannying to facilitate a legitimate rape. Read more on Republicans Invite Hate-Group Leader To Whine To Congress About Persecution, Starting, Like, Now!…
  no heart huckabee

Mike Huckabee: Doing The Gay Is Just Like Swearing, Having a Beer

Huckabee preparing to hold a shotgun to the head of a black American.
Dear practitioners of homogay buttsechs, Mike Huckabee — former Arkansas governor, Baptist minister, once and future failed presidential candidate, once and future Fox News host, Ted Nugent’s buddy (which does not at all make him a big ol’ hypocrite, no you shut up), America’s Great Moral Scold — would like you to know that he would just love to be your friend, because he doesn’t discriminate against friends based on their Lifestyle Choice, even if those Lifestyle Choices will condemn them to an eternity of roasting in perdition’s flames. Gosh, some of his friends use naughty words and drink the devil’s liquid, and Mike Huckabee is still their friend, because he is a Nice Guy. Read more on Mike Huckabee: Doing The Gay Is Just Like Swearing, Having a Beer…
  Dogs & Cats Reportedly Living Together In Open Defiance Of God

Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else

Not that Raphael?
Ted Cruz’s wackaloon father, fundamentalist preacher Rafael Cruz, warned on Tuesday that bans on discrimination against LGBT Americans would inevitably lead to unisex locker rooms, rampant crime by sexual predators, and probably the criminalization of Christianity — the usual load of bollocks. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….
  Bill Nye Vs. Stupid Part XLVIII

Bill Nye Weeps For Your Stupid Homeschooled Children

Bill Nye (right) talks to A Idiot (left)
We sure like us some Bill Nye. Following up on his February “debate” at the Creation museum, in which he handily took apart the bad science behind that institution, Nye has a book out, Undeniable: Evolution and the Science of Creation. Which is why he braved the dungeon of derp that is Newsmax TV to explain why creationism is simply not good for kids. What it mostly comes down to, of course, is that creationism is bad science — or not science at all, which is the worst science — and that pushing it on kids for the sake of keeping fundamentalist parents happy will have long-term consequences for kids’ ability to function in a world where reality is valued. Read more on Bill Nye Weeps For Your Stupid Homeschooled Children…
  They Saw Something Nasty In The Godshed

Duggar Wedding Scandal (Maybe): Did Jessa And Poor Ben Do It In The Church? (We Mean ‘Bone’) Update: No, Probably Not

Why is she holding her car keys?
UPDATE: Never Mind, looks like everybody , including Yr Wonkette, fell for a fake/satire blog. Good golly, looks like those virginal young scamps from the Duggar Clown Car — not that we’re calling them clowns, mind you — just might have been in such a big hurry to get their own quiver full that they couldn’t wait to leave church before doing the nasty. Allegedly, maybe. The news is apparently a big deal to people who follow the 19 Kids And Will You People Just Go Away? televisual entertainment programme. Read more on Duggar Wedding Scandal (Maybe): Did Jessa And Poor Ben Do It In The Church? (We Mean ‘Bone’) Update: No, Probably Not…
  Every Single One Of Us The Devil Inside

Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
Yr Wonkette would just like to know: is there somewhere we can subscribe to a 24/7 video stream of the Colorado House of Representatives when it starts its next session? Because one of our favorite crazies, disgraced former Navy chaplain and nutso webcast preacher Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt won election to the District 15 seat by a whopping 40-point margin over some sane Democrat lady. Mr. Klingenschmitt is a truly epic figure — he was court-martialed and kicked out of the Navy in 2011 for wearing his uniform at a White House protest, which gave him just the right “oppressed Christian” cred to become a national hero to wingnuts. At every opportunity, he explains that literal demons are at work in people he disagrees with, from The Gays to Barack Obama to public school teachers, and probably cable installers who don’t show up on time, because Satan and his Army of Darkness are everywhere. Read more on Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House…
  Dia De Los Dipshits

Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus

Could be Baby Jesus, could be mummies. Your call
Onetime teevee actor Kirk Cameron, getting into the spirit of the pre-Christmas movie release season, gave a very exciting interview to the Christian Post, in which he revealed that Halloween is a 100 percent Christian festival of 100 percent Christian origins. Read more on Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus…
  Irrefutable Proof Is Irrefutable

The Bible Proves Obama’s The Antichrist, Again

It's th' Pink Pony of the Apocalypse! Run for Your Lives!
Hope you enjoyed your Blood Moon this morning — it’s a sign of the Apocalypse! So is the fact that our morning bagel showed us a vision of Satan gnawing on the bones of the damned. But that could just say more about the quality of bagels available in Boise. Read more on The Bible Proves Obama’s The Antichrist, Again…
  Uterine Clown Car Survivor Speaks Out

Duggars Did A Pretty Good Job Edumacatin’ Their Womb-Fruits, All Right

Just as Darwin Demanded
Reality Teevee show person Jessa Duggar went to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC, and came away believing that Charles Darwin led directly to the Nazis’ attempted extermination of European Jewry, which suggests that the museum’s docents really need to up their game. Ms. Duggar, 21, explained on Instagram the profound anti-science message that she derived from the historical exhibits: Read more on Duggars Did A Pretty Good Job Edumacatin’ Their Womb-Fruits, All Right…
  Whine and Jesus Party

It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again

nice ride
Outside the Values Voter Summit 2014/Photo by Beth Ethier It’s time for all the wingnuttiest Christianist wingnuts who will never be president to gather once again in D.C. to Biblesplain how President Obama is THE WORST, liberals have killed Jesus (again!), and it’s hard out there in these American United States of Real America for an outraged white dude. Read more on It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again…
  Purity Brawl

Jesus-Approved Sexytime Turns Happy Virgin Men Into Sad Confused Husbands

Day One
Now here’s a shocker: A new study finds that men who make “virginity pledges” get plenty of “social support to abstain from sex before the wedding night,” but once they get married, they no longer feel comfortable talking about all that sex they’re finally allowed to have. They’ve been taught to think of extramarital sex as “animalistic and foul,” but of the Marriage Bed as a place of sacred beauty, and so they often find themselves conflicted about sex. For some reason. Read more on Jesus-Approved Sexytime Turns Happy Virgin Men Into Sad Confused Husbands…
  even texas schools are better than no schools

Pro-Tip: ‘Expecting The Rapture’ No Excuse To Stop Teaching Homeschooled Kids. Even In Texas.

Things one learns working for a blog: almost any image search will be complicated when you find out your search term is a band name. For instance, 'rapture children'
Turns out that even in the Independent Republic of Texas, where virtually unregulated chemical plants don’t have to follow any dang ol’ fire code (since the state doesn’t have one), the heavy hand of Big Government is still ready to oppress people who are just minding their own business and not hurting anyone, except maybe their own children. Even in Texas, you apparently have to teach something to your homeschooled darlings, even it it’s that Stonewall Jackson was a good Christian who made sure his troops prayed. You see, Michael McIntyre and Laura McIntyre, some good Bible-believing Christians in Texas, were pretty sure that Jesus was just on the verge of coming back to Rapture them all to heaven, and so in 2004 they took their kids out of public school so they could homeschool them. Read more on Pro-Tip: ‘Expecting The Rapture’ No Excuse To Stop Teaching Homeschooled Kids. Even In Texas….
  it's pat!

Pat Robertson’s Sex Tips Just Keep Getting Weirder

It’s almost as if Pat Robertson knows exactly what he’s doing, even as you’re sure he’s clueless. Case in point: On Monday, a caller to the 700 Fight Club teevee program asked what to do about a question that he has been sitting on, quite uncomfortably, for some time: “Before I met my wife, I fell in love with a beautiful woman and had a relationship for six months,” the man said. “We broke up after she told me she was transsexual.” “What should I do?” he asked. “What you should do is keep your mouth shut,” Robertson advised. Yeah, he totally knows what he’s doing here. If not between the sheets. (Speaking of which, fortune cookies are witchcraft, and of the devil.) Read more on Pat Robertson’s Sex Tips Just Keep Getting Weirder…
  all aboard the je-bus

PC Police End Hero Praying Bus Driver’s Mission To Save Muslim Children

A Minnesota school bus driver — who’s also a pastor at two Minneapolis churches — was fired from his bus-driving job last week for mixing up his two occupations. Needless to say, he believes that interfering with his evangelizing to a captive audience of children on a bus is a violation of his First Amendment rights. George Nathaniel received a warning and was transferred to a different route after the bus company received complaints from the Burnsville-Eagan-Savage school district, but wasn’t going to let some stupid Constitution of the United States get in His Way: “I let them know I am a pastor and I am going to pray,” he said. Because he has a special duty to be a Christian pastor when he is driving a school bus full of Muslim children, don’t people understand that? Read more on PC Police End Hero Praying Bus Driver’s Mission To Save Muslim Children…
  it's raining fetuses

Weird ‘Historian’ David Barton Has Science Figured Out: Abortion Did Climate Change

David Barton, the fake historian who likes finding true facts about guns in Louis L’Amour novels and who wrote a whole book full of lies about Thomas Jefferson, is branching out from fake history into fake atmospheric science. In a recent YouTube chat with fellow evangelical thought leader Kenneth Copeland — who likes science so much his anti-vaccination church was the epicenter of a measles outbreak — Barton explained that Earth’s climate can only be explained in terms of God’s direct intervention in the atmosphere. And it turns out that God pays very close attention to election results, so extreme weather turns out to be the direct result of how Americans vote. It remains to be seen how the Almighty will punish America for Republican losses at the top of the ticket in Virginia yesterday, or whether His Hand of Vengeance will be stayed by the re-election of Chris Christie. Read more on Weird ‘Historian’ David Barton Has Science Figured Out: Abortion Did Climate Change…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekend Wade Through The Wasteland

Greetings, worthly wokette skum, and welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly barf bag of bits and bytes that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on. This week, we’ll start off with an update on an update to a story from 2011: John Pike, the infamous “pepper spray cop” who treated protesters at Occupy UC Davis to a casual serving of capsaicin-tinged brutality, has reached a settlement with the university in his workers’ comp claim. Pike will receive a total of $38,056 in compensation for depression and anxiety he experienced after getting death threats related to his actions. Just to add a little extra dollop of derp to the story, it turns out that Pike, who was at least fired, is receiving a larger settlement than any of the people he pepper sprayed: In January, UCD agreed to pay $1 million to settle a federal suit. Twenty-one plaintiffs who were sprayed or arrested were to receive $30,000 each. Another 15 who also had claims approved were to be paid $6,666 apiece. So there you go: Justice is blind, probably because of the chemical irritants sprayed in its face. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekend Wade Through The Wasteland…
  do not enable these pagan cookies

Wingnut Radio Preacher Kevin Swanson Begs You To Boycott Girl Scouts And Their Commie Lesbo Abortion Cookies

One of our favorite wingnuts, unhinged radio* panic-man Kevin Swanson, who gave us the science facts about tiny dead babies inside the wombs of women using the pill and how Mark Twain was possessed by demons, now has something else to freak out about: Cookies. Cookies baked not by elves, but by Girl Scouts, who are Communist lesbians. (OK, baked by several large commercial bakers under contract with communist lesbians.) And so, Swanson issued this simple plea to boycott Communist lesbian Girl Scout cookies, for the reasons mentioned right there: “Please, I beg of you, do not buy Girl Scout cookies … Please, I beg of you, stop buying Girl Scout cookies.” Also the brown acid. Stay away from the brown acid. Especially the thin mint kind. Read more on Wingnut Radio Preacher Kevin Swanson Begs You To Boycott Girl Scouts And Their Commie Lesbo Abortion Cookies…
  sue the gay away

At Tea Party Unity Event, Anti-Gay Loons Dream Of Class Action Lawsuit Against Homosexuality

In the sort of thinking that seems perfectly rational in a world where we have declared war on “terror,” Tea Party Unity chairman Rick Scarborough and anti-gay obsessionist Peter LaBarbera shared their dreams of Suing the Gay Away yesterday. After all, back in the Clinton years, liberal attorneys general won a lawsuit against Big Tobacco, didn’t they? Read more on At Tea Party Unity Event, Anti-Gay Loons Dream Of Class Action Lawsuit Against Homosexuality…
  will the oppression of southern Christians never cease?

Hero Tennessee Parent Discovers ‘World Culture’ Elective Includes Islam, Hijinks Ensue

A blow for freedom has been struck! Students in Hendersonville, Tennessee, have been saved from the grip of sharia law, and it’s all thanks to alert parents who complained when they found out that an elective World Cultures honors course would be taking a field trip to a Hindu temple and a mosque. Outrage! Horror! The class studies five world religions, but the field trip only visited two houses of worship, one of which is actively trying to take over U.S. America! Concerned step-parent Mike Conner said, “If we as parents don’t begin speaking up, no one will.” How true this is. Thankfully, the wingnuttosphere has raised such a fuss about the threat of honors students learning something about Islam in a unit on world religions that the school has done the only responsible thing, and cancelled the field trip. Talk about a close call! Read more on Hero Tennessee Parent Discovers ‘World Culture’ Elective Includes Islam, Hijinks Ensue…
  for just pennies a day you can enrich a televangelist

Pat Robertson So Mad About Accurate Documentary On His Terrible Rwanda Charity Scam

You are probably just as surprised as we are to learn that a new documentary film details how Pat Robertson ran a fake charity following the 1994 Rwandan genocide — which is to say, not the least bit surprised. The film, Mission Congo, by Lara Zizic and David Turner, premieres today at the Toronto International Film Festival; while Robertson claimed the charity, “Operation Blessing International,” achieved great things for Rwandan refugees in Zaire and Congo, its actual accomplishments were pretty modest, especially compared to the hundreds of millions of dollars it continues to raise. Oh, and then there are the former aid workers at Operation Blessing, who describe how mercy flights to save refugees were diverted hundreds of miles from the crisis to deliver equipment to a diamond mining concession run by the televangelist. Seriously, go read this article in the Guardian, but make sure you aren’t holding anything you might hurl through your computer screen, OK? Read more on Pat Robertson So Mad About Accurate Documentary On His Terrible Rwanda Charity Scam…