Christianists
Rand Paul Aide Has Cunning Plan To Stop Gay Marriage, Seeks Lions Willing To Devour Him (Updated)
Sometimes, we here at Yr Wonkette poke fun at Christianist America, just for funsies. Any nutjob can believe whatever wackadoodle things floats their boat, and Yr Wonkette would never call for the deaths of Christians. Especially if one of their own is going to do it for us. Ed Brayton is on it like a [...]
Hero Teen Adds Lord’s Prayer To His Graduation Speech, Saves America
Well, thank heavens, we finally have some balance in this crazy old world! After all these stories about transgender prom queens and adorable sodomite “cutest couples,” our long national nightmare of progressive nice-time is finally over. In protest of a recently adopted prohibition on organized prayer at school events, the valedictorian of Liberty High School in [...]
New Children’s Book Explains Why Heather’s Two Mommies Will Burn Forever In Hell
OK, so much for that “nice time” crap. Here’s a happy little children’s book to “sensitively” explain to children, “with love and compassion,” why God gets really, really worked up about whose genitals are allowed to touch, and why such limited touching must only happen inside a heterosexual marriage. It must be an excellent book, [...]
Congress Argues Over Whether Bible Allows Giving Free Food to Poors
Good news for the 15% of Americans who make up the Poors: Our elected representatives have done a close reading of the Constitution the Bible and magnanimously decided that it’s OK to give a few food stamps to poor people so they don’t starve, but not too many. Of course, it was not an open-and-shut [...]
Butthurt Christians Oppressed By Sports Thing That Never Happened
You know what’s outrageous? The way that Christians are constantly being oppressed in this country! Like for instance how a high school track team in Texas had its win taken away and was disqualified from going to the state championship, all because the winning runner in the 4X100 meter relay, Christian athlete Derrick Hayes, pointed [...]
Charming ‘Pro-Life’ Folks Remember Dr. Tiller By Threatening To Murder Everyone Working At Clinic
Remember how, back in 2009, the “pro life” movement was horrified when its constant harassment and threats toward abortion providers inspired an extremist to murder Dr. George Tiller, and how it rethought those strategies in the wake of the killing? Yeah, neither do we. Four years on, a new clinic is opening to provide abortion [...]
Super-Christian Radio Guy Generously Remains ‘Neutral’ On Whether Shooting Federal Agents Is A Good Thing
We all know that Bryan Fischer is El Douche Grande at the American Patriarchy Association, but let us not forget that they have a whole second string of less-famous douchitos as well! Consider for instance radio-show guy Buster Wilson, who last graced Yr Wonkette when he espoused the entirely sane opinion that Barack Obama is [...]
Earnest Christian Teen Creates Awful Online ‘Rap’ Artifact That Will Haunt Her Life Forever
You know what the kids are into these days? They are into “the rap.” So here is a message of love about how buttsexing will send you to burn forever in hell.
Texas Schools Implement Carefully Crafted Law By Teaching Bible As 100% Fact
So, back in 2007, the Texas legislature passed a law mandating that all public schools in the state include instruction on “the Hebrew Scriptures” and the New Testament and their impact on literature and history. Don’t worry, supporters of the law said, we aren’t going to be teaching religious doctrine, this law is all about [...]
Hero Teen Opposes Government School’s New ID Card Because It Is The Mark Of The Beast
Would you like a story about schools that isn’t horribly depressing, but only mildly eye-rolling? As it happens, we have one for you! A number of Texas school districts (yes, Texas again!) have figured out that since federal school funding is largely based on the numbers of butts in seats on a given school day, [...]
Investigation Looks for ‘Muslim Bias’ in Texas Schools, Finds Christian Bias Instead (So It’s Not Biased, Of Course)
Anyone who thinks that school districts aren’t responsive to community concerns should talk to district and school board members of the Irving, Texas, Independent School District. When they received a clearly insane chain email claiming that a curriculum used in the schools was “INDOCTRINATING ISLAM,” they didn’t just delete it and go back to looking [...]
Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Ward Off Dangerous Modern Thinking
Greetings, Heathens! Welcome to another voyage into Homeschool America, via our 10th-grade textbook, World History and Cultures in Christian Perspective, and its staunch opposition to anything ungodly, and of course to most of the modern era. Last week, we learned why science is not really scientific (because no Jebus, duh); this week, we’ll see just [...]
Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook That Knows All Science Is Prayer-Based
As has been pointed out, by this point in excavating our 10th-grade textbook for home-schoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, we all know that the correct answer will always be “Jesus.” Nonetheless, we will press on, because it’s still a laugh to find out just how many problems with reality these guys have. [...]
Things You Didn’t Know You Needed To Worry About: Getting Raped By Demons
You may have been under the impression that when Christianists think about rape, they mostly think about how women are either asking for it by not screaming quite loudly enough or dressing like the sluts that everyone knows they are, or lying about it so they can murder a babby, or maybe using it as [...]
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