Wonkette

You know who hates edible Christmas gifts and loves the New Testament? James Dobson, that’s who! And that’s why he despises Barack Obama and his delicious fruitcake Constitution for pointing out that Leviticus says a lot of wacky shit about shellfish. Wait, did that last bit make zero sense? Then it still makes one million times more sense than what Focus on the Family’s leader will be saying on his radio program today. MORE »

You know that whole “He’s in heaven now” thing people say after somebody dies? It’s not true. Nobody’s in heaven. That’s the shocking conclusion of Bishop N.T. Wright, one of those people who actually believes in the Bible and Christianity. And you know who really pisses him off? Maria Shriver, the trophy Kennedy wife of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Shriver wrote some dumb childrens’ book claiming that “good people” go to Heaven after they die. It’s a lie! They’re all still dead. Unless they’re Jesus, apparently. MORE »

• Katherine Harris pens blog post, incites flurry of pandering to Florida’s Cuban voters. [The Hill Blog]

• Ousted from Connecticut, Juan Liebermantienez to lead coup in Cuba. [The Satirical Political Report]
• Vanity Fair releases military tapes from 9/11, titles article as if it were a classic rock box set. [Vanity Fair]
• The Republican party of Oregon, apparently more racist than in other states. [Oregon Live]
• Expect one less mysterious “tax” on your phone bill as Congress closes books on Spanish American War. [News.com]
• Christians pray for stability in Iraq, so they can hurry up and start proselytizing. [The Carpetbagger Report]
• Relive all the hot Texan backrub action at the G-8 with this new video game — fastest finger wins! [Addicting Games]

• Butterstick: is he the Second Coming? Whatever, y’all, we’re too blinded by the supernova of cuteosity. MORE »

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Today, the New York Times investigates the Christian conservatives’ fifth column: Penguins. Turns out conservatives have become unlikely champions of the documentary “March of the Penguins,” saying, among other things, that the film promotes monogamy and family values. Clearly, no one has told them about the gay penguins (of course, they choose to be gay). Says one minister:

“Some of the circumstances they experienced seemed to parallel those of Christians,” he said of the penguins. “The penguin is falling behind, is like some Christians falling behind. The path changes every year, yet they find their way, is like the Holy Spirit.”

It seems like a stretch but, hey, it’s an improvement over talking vegetables. MORE »