Tag Archives: chris wallace

  At least until he's "elected president" LOL

Rick Perry Wants To Free Americans From Tyranny Of Obamacare By Letting Them Keep Obamacare

Spit it out to make room for your foot, Rick Perry, or a dildo, whatever.
Former Texas governor and current “presidential candidate” Rick Perry is talking out of both sides of his butthole (each side featuring perfectly coiffed hair) when it comes to Obamacare. He’s agin’ it, of course, and it needs to be repealed. But he also doesn’t want people to lose their health insurance, if the Supreme Court rules, in King v. Burwell, that because of six little words and a technicality, the subsidies provided by the Affordable Care Act, which provide millions with health insurance, are unconstitutional. Wonder why he doesn’t want folks to lose their insurance, HUH. Maybe because if millions of people suddenly lose their coverage, they’ll blame it on Republicans, and people like Perry will REALLY never be president. Read more on Rick Perry Wants To Free Americans From Tyranny Of Obamacare By Letting Them Keep Obamacare…
  The feud continues

Rick Santorum Says Pope Francis Is Bad At Science, Bad For America

Science experiment.
  Last week we laughed and laughed at Rick Santorum, who really thinks Pope Francis needs to shut right up about climate science, because the pope, despite having studied chemistry, is not a scientist. Why focus on things like that, when there are more important Poping duties out there, like slut-shaming and telling people to stop being gay? But damn godless liberal Pope Francis, he’s putting out an encyclical on climate change, despite Santorum’s advice to the contrary. Read more on Rick Santorum Says Pope Francis Is Bad At Science, Bad For America…
  Let's not think about the children

Won’t Someone PLEASE Think Of Poor Blackmailed Maybe Child Molester Denny Hastert?

Shed a tear for Denny
We had to know this was coming. Because indicted former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert is not merely accused of illegally withdrawing $1.7 million in hush money cash, and lying to the FBI about it, all to keep secret his “prior misconduct” of sexually abusing a former student known only as Individual A. But Hastert is also a family values conservative Republican. Thus, it’s time to queue up the conservative sympathy machine for the other victim in this story, and we’re not talking about potential Individuals B through Z. (According to a report by BuzzFeed, investigators spoke with “a second alleged Hastert victim,” but chose not to include that victim in the indictment.) Read more on Won’t Someone PLEASE Think Of Poor Blackmailed Maybe Child Molester Denny Hastert?…
  knowing things is hard

Marco Rubio Gets His Chance To Flub Iraq Question, Nails It

Answers is tough and is not my favorite.
Marco Rubio is very confused by Chris Wallace’s Iraq questions, which are the same questions Jeb Bush continually fucked up last week, so, as a Serious Heavyweight Presidential Contender, he should have been prepared. However, whereas Jeb Bush’s face would gloss over in confusion every time he tried to answer Iraq questions, Marco Rubio took the entirely different brilliant tack of insisting that the questions were hard, refusing to understand them, and being downright testy about it. Read more on Marco Rubio Gets His Chance To Flub Iraq Question, Nails It…
  House Investigative committees have a well-known liberal bias

Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’

Even though the Benghazi “scandal” has been investigated approximately eleventy-nine times (seven to be specific), and even though the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee did their OWN investigation, and all seven of these investigations found absolutely no scandal, you are probably aware that the Republican House is currently investigating Benghazi for an eighth time. Why? Well obviously, dum-dum, because House Republican investigatin’ committees have a WELL KNOWN LIBERAL BIAS, and they just know that Republicans are trying to hide the facts about what REALLY happened in Benghazi, from themselves! Of course, we completely know what happened in Benghazi, except that NO WE DO NOT, let’s keep asking the same things until we get the answers we want, at which point, INPEACH! Read more on Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’…
  And he'll lose there too

Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God

America’s most esteemed jurist, Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, is not giving up his fight to save Alabama from the hordes of gays currently destroying the state by having equal marriage rights. Even though a terrible federal judge named Callie V.S. Granade (sounds like GRENADE because she GRENADED opposite marriage) not only ruled Alabama’s marriage amendment unconstitutional, but also had the audacity to order probate judges to actually DO WHAT SHE SAID, and even though the Supreme Court was okay with all of this, Roy Moore wants everybody to know that he will be forced to defy a Supreme Court ruling in favor of gayness, because “organic law” and Jesus: Read more on Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God…
  You Actually Are Allowed To Have Your Own Facts

Ben Carson Will Not Have You Slurring The GOP As Anti- Science, Sir

Science has preserved Chris Wallace in wax since 1997
For all of his entertaining lunacy on everything else, Ben Carson has mostly been one of the most reasonable Republican voices in the most recent weirdness over childhood vaccines. It’s almost as if he knows a whole lot about doctoring and jack shit about everything else. For instance, he quite sanely said, yes, every child should be immunized — and then, the moment the conversation turned beyond actual medicine, he added that maybe it was undocumented immigrants spreading the disease around because Obama won’t control the border. Read more on Ben Carson Will Not Have You Slurring The GOP As Anti- Science, Sir…
  thanks obama!

Remember That Time Ronald Reagan Shot Down An Iranian Airliner? That Was Awesome

when other countries do it, it's an atrocity. When we do it, it's a tragic mistake.
Following last week’s shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH 17, Fox News has been very busy criticizing Barack Obama for his completely insensitive actions in continuing on a fundraising tour, even though America’s national security was clearly at stake following the event (which may also have been just a distraction from the border crisis). After all, said the Foxies, Ronald Reagan didn’t go out on a fundraising tour when the USSR shot down a Korean Airlines 747 in 1983! He gave a very stern speech about the incident, which Fox showed clips of. Stupid Obama should have been more like Reagan, say Fox hosts like Megyn Kelly, Sean Hannity, and others. Which we suppose means that instead of immediately calling the Malaysian airliner shootdown an “outrage of unspeakable proportions,” Obama should have stayed on vacation for four days like Reagan did. Read more on Remember That Time Ronald Reagan Shot Down An Iranian Airliner? That Was Awesome…
  don't get her started on the smoot-hawley tariff

‘Please Stop Laughing At Laura Ingraham’ — Laura Ingraham (Video)

Fox News Sunday was trundling along in a pretty predictable discussion of U.S. American President Barack Obama’s pretty predictable West Point speech, with Laura Ingraham saying that Obama’s statement that America is strong “doesn’t even pass the straight-face test,” because duh, Barack Obama is president, and Bob Woodward saying that there really wasn’t any need for an “Obama Doctrine,” when a bit of teevee news magic happened. Or maybe it was just a cheap shot, but we LOLed. Read more on ‘Please Stop Laughing At Laura Ingraham’ — Laura Ingraham (Video)…
  dear god it's only 2014

Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News

This weekend a scaly, horrifying, rage-addled lizard rose from the depths of its subterranean lair and slithered onto screens all over the country, where it opened its jaw and shrieked high-pitched noises at terrified Americans as it stomped its way across the land, leaving destruction in its wake. Yep, Dick Cheney was on Fox News Sunday again to talk about Hillary Clinton and BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! as if anyone on the planet should give a foamy crap about what Dick Cheney thinks about anything. Read more on Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News…
  you know he's a democrat because he sexed up the ladies

BREAKING Wonkette EXCLUSIVE: John F. Kennedy Was A Democrat Actually

Today is the 50th anniversary of the day some acting-alone asshole, or maybe a bunch of assholes at the CIA or the FBI or the mob or the men’s-room attendant at the White House went and shot up that nice handsome president and ruined a perfectly good pink dress. You know all that, of course, because we have been commemorating this day for, let’s see, 50 years, with all the minute-by-minute reports and videos and sobbing recollections from our parents and grandparents about where they were that day. But what you probably didn’t know is that President Kennedy was — hold on to your hats, kids, this is gonna shock you — a DEMOCRAT. Yes, it is true. This is an actual true fact. We know, we know. You are utterly confused, because according to the same people who think tax cuts solve everything and gravity is just, like, a theory man, Kennedy was, like Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus, a Republican. Or at least, if he could zombie himself back to life today, he’d take a look around this socialist Holocausty black-man-in-the-White-House hell hole of a country and declare himself a Republican. The self-hating masochists at Media Matters have compiled a nifty roundup of some of the right’s greatest derps. Let’s dive in and learn some stuff, shall we? Read more on BREAKING Wonkette EXCLUSIVE: John F. Kennedy Was A Democrat Actually…
  if the poor get healthcare what other horrors may follow?

Fox News’ Chris Wallace Discovers Huuuuuge Problem With Obamacare: Too Many Poor People Will Get Medicaid Now

From the keen analytical mind of Fox Sunday’s Chris Wallace, this explanation of why the Affordable Care Act is just a giant pink furry ball of fail: “One of the problems so far is that many more people are signing up for Medicaid than are signing up to the private insurance plans in the market place,” Yes. Medicaid expansion is working really well, and that is a problem because… um. Wallace seems to be suggesting that the slow start to enrollment in private insurance is linked to the funding for Medicaid; in reality, Medicaid is a federal outlay that has nothing to do with anyone signing up for private insurance, and it was completely expected that it would be expanded without much of a problem — it’s just a matter of changing the eligibility requirements. In other news, Wallace complained that ever since he bought that new brand of underarm deodorant, he’s been getting lousy gas mileage. Read more on Fox News’ Chris Wallace Discovers Huuuuuge Problem With Obamacare: Too Many Poor People Will Get Medicaid Now…
  it's not nice to make fun of crazy people

Chris Wallace Won’t Listen To The Voices In Tucker Carlson’s Head Telling Him Obama’s Racist

Tucker Carlson is a man who does not like racism, nosiree. That is why, when the president, a known black man, spoke to the Congressional Black Caucus about the threats to defund or repeal Obamacare, and said “we’ve overcome far darker threats than those,” Tucker Carlson knew down to the very marrow of his unracist tippytoes that this kind of racism must not stand. Read more on Chris Wallace Won’t Listen To The Voices In Tucker Carlson’s Head Telling Him Obama’s Racist…
  it's a cruel cruel summer

Mitt Romney Says Thing, Upsets Wingnuts; No, This Is Not A Rerun From Last August

Remember last August when Lord Mittens Willington Hair Helmet Nom Nom Romney XIV was running for vicar or Lobster King or some such shit, and we would report on every syllable out of his mouth because that is how we roll during the interminable election season? Well it is one year later and not much has changed except His Lordship lost the election and someone else is now king of all the cannibal shellfish, but for some reason people still are asking for Our Man in Boston La Jolla New Hampshire’s opinion on things in the U.S. America, such as: Read more on Mitt Romney Says Thing, Upsets Wingnuts; No, This Is Not A Rerun From Last August…
  Faux Nooz

Your Monday Nice Time: Chris Wallace Yells At Eric Cantor For Failing at Congress

“Why is Congress full of morons, Eric Cantor? Why does it suck so very very hard, Eric Cantor? Why is attempting to repeal Obamacare your go-to solution for just about every pressing problem facing the American people, Eric Cantor? Aren’t we heading for a major disaster because you guys are too busy playing grabass to actually get down to the work of real governance?” Excellent questions! And would you believe us if we told you that they were asked by none other than Fox News’ Chris Wallace? Yes! Really! And we have video to prove it! It starts with a tight shot of Eric Cantor’s smarmy mug, and him saying something about cutting all the “regulation coming out of this town,” and you think to yourself, MY GOD WHY AM I WATCHING FOX NEWS. But then BAM! Chris Wallace jumps in and is all, “are you an idiot, or are you counting on the fact that I won’t call you an idiot on the air, because it is Fox News?” Read more on Your Monday Nice Time: Chris Wallace Yells At Eric Cantor For Failing at Congress…
  Old Republicans Never Die They Just Get Sick Of the GOP

Sad Panda Bob Dole: GOP Not Exactly Overflowing With Ideas. Tea Party: Nuh-Uh!

Former Senator, 1996 GOP Presidential candidate, and pioneer of referring to himself in the third person Bob Dole sat down for a Fox News Sunday interview with newsmanniken Chris Wallace, and said, to the surprise of virtually no one, that the modern GOP is more interested in obstructing Barack Obama than in getting anything done in Congress, that he, Ronald Reagan, and Richard Nixon would never make any headway in their own party today, and that the party needs a serious overhaul: “I think they ought to put a sign on the national committee doors,” Dole said of the GOP, “that says closed for repairs until New Year’s Day next year and spend that time going over ideas and positive agendas.” So pretty much the entire GOP can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any. When BobDole suggests that the party’s tone has taken a turn for the nasty, you may want to put on a biohazard suit. Read more on Sad Panda Bob Dole: GOP Not Exactly Overflowing With Ideas. Tea Party: Nuh-Uh!…
  rafalca goes to war

Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’

Mitt Romney got his ass handed to him last night, but to be fair, sometimes he handed himself his own ass, like when he claimed that Syria was Iran’s “route to the sea” and also, most of the other times that he opened his mouth and words came out. (Maybe the moderator could have helped him out by asking a question about the Cayman Islands? Last we heard, those are foreign!) ANYWAY, probably the finest of these non-self-inflicted ass-handing moments came when Romney was comparing today’s military to the military of the early 20th century, arguing that Obama was going to leave America unsafe forever and ever by refusing to give the Navy a bunch of ships they never asked for. Obama replied that yeah, he’s going to give them fewer ships, because DUH, they use fewer ships, and also, fewer horses and bayonets, IDIOT. This, however, hurt Fox News’ feelings, as it is apparently still remembering with longing 1917 in Flanders Fields. And it also hurt the feelings of this one serviceman who Tweeted at Fox News that we still do use bayonets in the military! Read more on Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’…
  fight for the right to your party

Chris Wallace Rumbles With Peggy Noonan For Control Of The Gang

She’d killed him. She’d killed Mitt. She’d stuck her blade between his ribs, counting down from the top to mark where his heart was. (In this story, Mitt Romney had a heart.) And now everyone was going fucking nuts. Twitchy was mouthing off to Big Bill. Chris Wallace was struggling to find the gonads to challenge Pegs for control of the gang. (Nobody cared what Brooksy said, he was a no-account loser who wasn’t really even in the gang. Sometimes they used him to messenger stuff, when there weren’t any grade school kids handy.) “She ain’t no big thing. She ain’t so tough.” Chris Wallace was screwing up his courage. The gang needed a new fucking leader, one who wasn’t constantly murdering them, like she’d done with Bushy, and Mac, and whoever it was who came before that. It seemed like she murdered everyone in some weird communion with Ronnie. Always Fucking Ronnie. It never stopped. Read more on Chris Wallace Rumbles With Peggy Noonan For Control Of The Gang…
  it's the most wonderful time of the year

Watch Fox & Friends Try to Roast Tiny Marshmallows With Their Hands

Chris Wallace, son of Mike, may be a creepo Republican apologist, but he occasionally asks really great tough questions even of his own team. Watch in horror alongside him, as he realizes Steve Doocy of Fox & Friends is roasting marshmallows with his hands. (They not only reject global warming, they also don’t believe those “experts” who claim “fire is hot.”) But then Brian Kilmeade jumps in to save the day, with a plastic spoon. “No no no, not plastic!” shouts Doocy! “It’s bad for the environment!” And that’s when they fired Steve Doocy. Read more on Watch Fox & Friends Try to Roast Tiny Marshmallows With Their Hands…
  king of all he surveys

Mitch McConnell Accidentally Says What He Thinks About Poors and Uninsureds

Here’s something fun about Thursday’s Supreme Court Ruling (which, in case you have been living on Mars in a cave with your fingers in your ears, upheld the Affordable Care Act): it has gotten certain Republicans (like *cough* Mitch McConnell *cough*) so upset that they are going on the teevee and ACTUALLY SAYING WHAT THEY THINK. Like: who gives a damn about uninsured people? And: why would we actually need a PLAN to help them? And the worst part about it is that it was Fox News and not the librul media that tricked him into saying it, specifically, Chris Wallace, who should know better by now than to ask questions. Read more on Mitch McConnell Accidentally Says What He Thinks About Poors and Uninsureds…
  she used the spanish word 'burrito'

Sarah Palin Won’t Stop Talking About Obama’s Genitals

Most of us missed yesterday’s episode of “Fox News Sunday,” because Sunday is the Lord’s Day, the day when you crawl off the couch and dirtbike to church so you can show Jesus the new unregistered semiautomatic you purchased at Walmart. But anyway, back to this Fox News segment: Chris Wallace blurts out something about “the Arab Arizona immigration law,” which is confusing because “Arab” should never be used as a compliment. But that is neither here nor there. The real hot-as-Tim Pawlenty’s-hot-wife scoop is that Sarah Palin was too busy fantasizing about the size of Barack Obama’s genitals to notice that Chris Wallace called Arizona “Arab”. This video is Suitable for Work, but only because Sarah Palin stops herself at the last possible moment from orgasming all over the teevee. Read more on Sarah Palin Won’t Stop Talking About Obama’s Genitals…