Tag Archives: chris coons

  Primarily Boring

Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!

The nominee and his nipples
The last primaries of 2014 took place last night, and there’s a fun upset-not-upset in the mix! Up in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (God Save It! © Charles P. Pierce), lantern-jawed newcomer Seth Moulton became the first Democrat in 22 years to unseat a sitting congressman in a primary, beating scandal-plagued John Tierney by eight whole points. Get us up to speed here, Boston Globe, because not all of us are hardy lobstermen living on Boston’s North Shore. Read more on Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!…
  so brave

Senate Decides That Lawyers Who Defend Criminals Shouldn’t Really Be Lawyers

Is your Twitter timeline full of nothing but the Senate failing to confirm Debo Adegbile? Are you having to cut and paste Debo Adegbile over and over to tweet about it, because you won’t remember how to spell it? US TOO. But let’s be honest: the fact that Dems crossed the aisle to vote against a super-qualified Obama nominee to head the Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division is some unrelenting bullshit. First, let’s lawsplain who the heck Debo Adegbile is. He’s one of the leading civil rights lawyers of the last 15 years, having been a big wheel at the NAACP’s Legal Defense Fund and arguing a Voting Rights Act case at the Supreme Court. Also, too, he was on Sesame Street as a kid, which alone should be enough reason to confirm him to King of The Senate or whatever else he wants. So, super good candidate to deal with Civil Rights issues, right? Haha no of course not because back in the day Adegbile had the goddamn gall to help file a post-conviction brief about improper jury instructions in the notorious Mumia Abu-Jamal case, where Mumia was convicted of murdering a police officer. HE HELPED WITH A BRIEF. THE UNSPEAKABLE HORROR. Read more on Senate Decides That Lawyers Who Defend Criminals Shouldn’t Really Be Lawyers…
  wheeeee

More Democrats Squeamish About Trying To Win Presidential Election

If you thought that the full chorus of national voices in the Democratic party might have no problem with — and in fact would embrace, not merely for political reasons but also because they believe it and consider it central to whatever remains of their ideological foundaiton — the long-promised assault on the practice of leveraged buyouts and their place within the financialization of the economy over the past 30 years and the destruction of any sort of consideration for improving the well-being of workers, all personified cartoonishly by Mitt Romney, then perhaps you’ve been spending too much time on Planet Earth, thinking rationally about how to win presidential elections. Several more national Democrats have announced that attacking Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital and what it represents makes them uncomfortable. Indeed, perhaps criticizing Mitt Romney at all is simply beneath them, and it would be best for the President to resign now and campaign for an uncontested Romney victory. Read more on More Democrats Squeamish About Trying To Win Presidential Election…
  so goes the nation so goes the end times

Don’t Tell Us You May Actually Elect Christine O’Donnell, Delaware

“Coons Camp Expresses Turnout Worries.” “Delaware Dems claim GOP intimidation by O’Donnell backers, worry over turnout.” OH C’MON, YOU GUYS. Don’t tell us this could actually happen. We refuse to believe Americans can actually elect this person to high federal office. Yes, these are Americans we are talking about, but give us a break. So before you join us in our liveblog at 7 pm ET to calm your fears that this woman will actually be elected, let’s scare you with this sudden evidence that she actually might. Read more on Don’t Tell Us You May Actually Elect Christine O’Donnell, Delaware…
  let's just vote already

Democrats Deny Existence Of Human-Mouse Hybrid Monsters

Election Day is coming soon (not soon enough though, we hate it!), and everyone has run out of money to spend — everyone except for the Republicans, that is. The Democrats are so poor and destitute that they are now intimidating voters with rogue armies of illegal Mexicans! But wait, it looks like Chris Coons mugged a few old ladies/recycled some beer cans, and managed to scrounge up enough cash for one last teevee ad. Yay, but why? Isn’t Chris Coons beating the Meatball Succubus by hundreds of thousands of points? Yes, but the important issue of “Christine O’Donnell is worried about mice with human brains” has not been properly vetted. Not until now, at least! Why does Chris Coons refuse to admit that the government is probably using highly intelligent mice-people to spread panic/bedbugs? This is why Christine O’Donnell is Delaware’s only hope. Read more on Democrats Deny Existence Of Human-Mouse Hybrid Monsters…
  mankind has evolved into this

Also, Christine O’Donnell Has No Idea Who Is In the U.S. Senate

Oh, the Democrat in the U.S. Senate Christine O’Donnell would work well with would be Hillary Clinton! That’s very interesting. You see, Christine O’Donnell somehow knows she will be allowed on the Committee on Foreign Relations. This would certainly be a smart move by the Republican leadership, putting all their insular Teabagging troglodytes on that committee. Those people will at the very least be praised in the news media for their, umm, novel insights into how to deal with other countries. But wait! A minute and a half after the question is asked, Christine O’Donnell has miraculously remembered the surname of an actual current senator, Lieberman, which she then blurts out in the middle of Chris Coons’ statement! Democracy lives! Read more on Also, Christine O’Donnell Has No Idea Who Is In the U.S. Senate…
  a constitutional scholar not an amendment scholar

Christine O’Donnell Shocks Delaware By Not Knowing First Amendment

Staying true to her background as a character from a 1990s teevee show, Christine O’Donnell was in her state today talking about teaching creationism in schools, because she wants children to have the math and science skills to get jobs in that emerging Jesus Science industry. Chris Coons was here too, doing the old “exasperated bald-guy foil” routine. Suddenly, Coons said something about creationism not belonging in public schools, and O’Donnell asked him, “Where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?” This was not the debate’s quiz-show round; O’Donnell actually had no idea such a thing was in the Constitution. Isn’t that one of the manuals you have to read before you can apply for this job? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Shocks Delaware By Not Knowing First Amendment…
  o'donnell is flying overhead on her vibrating broomstick

Barack Obama and Joe Biden’s Delaware Witch Hunt

It’s your fun vice president, Joe Biden! Why won’t he get into the SUV-limousine thing like his security team keeps telling him? Because this is Wilmington, and Joe Biden knows every single person in town, so he keeps jabbering to everybody (endangering America). Read more on Barack Obama and Joe Biden’s Delaware Witch Hunt…
  it's morning in america

Scientist Proves Teabagger Signs Aren’t Racist, Exposes Media Conspiracy

A graduate student from UCLA photographed 250 signs that she saw at the 9/12 FreedomWorks rally, and then did scientific experiments to determine whether these signs were racist or not. The grad student’s analysis found “only about a quarter of all signs reflected direct anger with Obama. Only 5 percent of the total mentioned the president’s race or religion, and slightly more than 1 percent questioned his American citizenship.” Only five percent of the signs this lady saw at a rally said “Obama is a Muslin”? What could this mean? It means the media has distorted the Teabagger message, which is Freedom. We’ve attended many of these Teabagger picnics — not just one! — and we cannot agree more. Why won’t the liberal media apologize for calling all of these crusty, self-loathing brain-dead white people mean names? And also, we would like to apply to UCLA’s Teabagger Ph.D. program. [WaPo] Read more on Scientist Proves Teabagger Signs Aren’t Racist, Exposes Media Conspiracy… Read more on Scientist Proves Teabagger Signs Aren’t Racist, Exposes Media Conspiracy…
  the walls are thin upstairs

Liveblogging Christine O’Donnell’s Big Witchy Jerk-Off Debate

Did Tolkien ever depict a Senate debate in any of those Lord of the Rings books? Probably not, right? Because every character is too busy being Catholic and feminist? Yeah. So there is literally nothing to guide Christine O’Donnell in her big debate tonight. That’s okay, because she’s you, and you generally spend this time of night masturbating. So that’s what you have to look forward to tonight, Christine diving right into her “pudding cup.” All the good parts may not be shown, though, because CNN will likely be cutting to each and every miner coming out of that mine in Chile, as if one of them is suddenly going to come out of that tube with Justin Bieber. BORING. Anyway, a debate! Debates are fun! Let’s do this! Read more on Liveblogging Christine O’Donnell’s Big Witchy Jerk-Off Debate…
  a pledge to america

Christine O’Donnell’s Debating Tonight? Sure, We’ll Liveblog That

This should be entertaining: Christine O’Donnell is debating her opponent Chris Coons tonight on national teevee. Why does Chris Coons see the need to debate her? He doesn’t. He just knows that his poll numbers get better every time she opens her mouth. Speaking of her opening her mouth, will Christine O’Donnell be asked questions about the new revelations that she is quite the moaner? Will she demonstrate this for the electorate? Read more on Christine O’Donnell’s Debating Tonight? Sure, We’ll Liveblog That…
  it's morning in america

Delaware Embarrassment Christine O’Donnell Debates Yale Divinity Elitist!

Meatball Succubus Christine O’Donnell has a big teevee showdown tonight with normal person Chris Coons. The debate will be held at the University of Delaware, so this will be the first time Christine O’Donnell actually steps foot in a “real school” that is not Fake Oxford. Will Christine accuse her opponent of trying to spread his noxious Yale Divinity Values throughout the no-so-great State of Delaware? And then will Chris Coons politely point out that Christine O’Donnell is a masturbation witch? You know it! And even though Christine claims she doesn’t believe in premarital national teevee intercourse, you can watch this debate Live on CNN, at 7:30 p.m. Delaware Time. Your Part-Time Morning Editor will definitely be drinking alone in his room, but we’re sure someone else will liveblog this! [Seattle Times] Read more on Delaware Embarrassment Christine O’Donnell Debates Yale Divinity Elitist!… Read more on Delaware Embarrassment Christine O’Donnell Debates Yale Divinity Elitist!…
  christine didn't go 'anywhere'

Christine O’Donnell Releases Self-Parody ‘I Didn’t Go To Yale’ Video

Christine O’Donnell caused widespread panic and nearly crashed every stock market when she announced, “I’m YOU!” Everyone who heard this horrific claim immediately went to their local Walmart and bought fifty-pound sacks of rat poison and Crayola sparkle markers, so that their suicide notes would look pretty. However, after some serious fact-checking it turns out Christine is full of crap: she is not us and we are not her, hooray we almost killed ourselves! But Christine O’Donnell enjoyed scaring America so much that she decided to make another video, this time claiming, “I didn’t go to Yale (Divinity School).” That’s a mighty stupid way to start a political ad, but at least Christine is not bragging about having a multiple personality disorder, so maybe this video is an improvement? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Releases Self-Parody ‘I Didn’t Go To Yale’ Video…
  why does christine o'donnell hate every U.S. President?

Oxford Wannabe Christine O’Donnell Opposed To ‘Yale Values,’ On Twitter

While it’s true the Ivy League is nothing more than a sleepaway camp that churns out future war criminals, this is almost completely unrelated to the simple fact that Christine O’Donnell has absolutely no idea what she’s talking about in the above; she does not even have a vague, distant idea floating gracefully in a misty sea breeze. Oh and also, didn’t America’s 9/11 Hero President go to Yale, as well as his slightly more intelligent but not as heroic President-Dad? Read more on Oxford Wannabe Christine O’Donnell Opposed To ‘Yale Values,’ On Twitter…
  draft dick swett!

DEMOCRATS WILL RUN A CANDIDATE IN DELAWARE: What’s his name? “New Castle County Executive Chris Coons made it official today: He’s challenging Congressman Mike Castle for the open U.S. Senate seat long held by Vice President Joe Biden.” Eh, there goes the black vote. [Wilmington News Journal] Read more on …