Tag Archives: chris christie

  senioritis

Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose

Image via YouTube With a little over a week to go before Election Day, Scott Walker is increasingly a man in need of a helping hand. His once-certain re-election as King of Wisconsin has taken up residence in every pollster’s “no idea, don’t ask us” box, the U.S. Supreme Court cruelly dashed his hopes of excluding thousands of largely Democratic voters from the polls, a new batch of documents just dropped from the investigation that’s taken down a half-dozen of his underlings and cronies, and his opponent Mary Burke has been landing punches (with ads) and drawing big crowds with visits from a string of Democratic superstars. Read more on Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose…
  Here have some news n stuff

If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
When it comes to Ebola, there’s what the experts say — no, travel bans won’t work; no, we should not quarantine everyone who sneezes on a subway; no, you can’t get Ebola by looking at a picture of President Obama — and then there are the politicians who don’t care what the experts say. Like New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who imprisoned a nurse, with no Ebola symptoms whatsoever, because in his expert medical opinion, she’s “obviously ill”: Read more on If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor…
  born to run

Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents

This fucking guy
Human meatball Chris Christie, governor of the Turnpike Exit State, is gearing up for his inevitable presidential run in 2016. Which means giving America a glimpse of that fabulously warm personality type that once made Tony Soprano the most popular murdering sociopath in America. Read more on Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents…
  Now From Our Boise Bureau

Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Our pals at Public Policy Polling (we like to say they’re our pals, but they don’t know us from Adam’s off ox) have graced us with a poll on the Idaho midterm elections, and you will be astonished to learn that Idahoans are probably going to elect a bunch of Republicans again. Read more on Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes…
  clipbait

Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You

Chris Christie, communist who would save New Jersey if he would allow price gouging
Just because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R-Bridgegate) makes Bruce Springsteen sick to his stomach because Christie stands for everything The Boss stands against is no reason why The Boss doesn’t want Christie pretending they are total besties. Take that, silly lady who thinks otherwise: Read more on Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's always been a great dancer
Would you like to start your day with some laughs, some tears, or maybe just go straight to the drinking? Of course you would! And we are here to help. You know things in Ferguson have gotten really ugly when CNN’s Don Lemon almost got arrested: Read more on Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  so many crimers

If We’re Lucky, All The 2016 GOP Candidates Could Land In Jail Before The Election

Did you guys know it is hella tough to bring the funny when it comes to campaign finance scandals, because you have to explain coordination and superPACs and oh Christ we’re bored already. We’ll make an exception, though, for this bit of finance fuckery — possibly maybe criminal finance fuckery! — involving Scott Walker, because who wants to pass up an opportunity to bash Scott Walker? Certainly not yr Wonkette. Read more on If We’re Lucky, All The 2016 GOP Candidates Could Land In Jail Before The Election…
  fa fa fa fashion

Joe Biden, Fashion Do

Instagram, it’s this thing. We do not actually know what it is, you look at other people’s lunch? And old pictures of Joe Biden and Chris Christie, who, judging by babby (and we are not being sizeist here, just historical-minded), seems to have begun his weight gain as sympathy bloat? How undapper and unstyley he appears next to old handsome Senator Joe Biden, who is rocking a turtleneck with total confidence, like he is on his way to drink Courvoisier with the honeys on the yacht. Senator Joe Biden, Mr. Good Times. Let us see some more Joe, schooling us all on “fashion.” Read more on Joe Biden, Fashion Do…
  #cancelkaili

Republican Goyim Go To Vegas To Dance Hora For Jew Dollars, Hilarity Ensues Oy

In case you missed it because you were taking your bubbe to shul, Republicans gathered in Las Vegas on Saturday to beg Republican Jews — all two and a half of them — to give them Jew dollars for their 2016 presidential aspirations. This is a thing Republicans do sometimes because even though American Jews are overwhelmingly Democrats, and in fact “the most strongly liberal, Democratic groups in U.S. politics,” there is this one Jew and his name is Sheldon Adelson and he has SOOO many Jew dollars and he is not a Democrat. In 2012, he spent eleventy billion trillion and thirteen of his Jew dollars supporting Newt Gingrich, which was a terrific investment for Adelson, since Newt is now our president. So you can see why Republicans think it is very important to woo him. He is also on the board of the Republican Jewish Coalition, which is quite possibly the most meaningless Jewish coalition since Jews for Sarah Palin. (We had a secret Jew meeting a few years back and decided we hate the shit out of Palin. She has failed to endear herself to us since then.) Read more on Republican Goyim Go To Vegas To Dance Hora For Jew Dollars, Hilarity Ensues Oy…
  is our correspondents learning?

A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One

The Gaylord National Resort is more than just a hotel with a name that makes pubescent boys snicker. It’s also a glassed-in mini-city with living trees and actual birds and tiny houses that hold patriotic gear stores and, for the second year, it is the Land of CPAC. Come along and let us visit this wondrous fantasy world! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One…
  put a sock in it

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition

Happy Super Sportsball Sunday! Go read the Times’s one million pages of regular sports coverage AND thinkpieces about the Super Bowl! Or don’t. Go read about Chris Christie! Or just read what we wrote about Christie already. Definitely read the Dylan Farrow letter from yesterday and then promptly go fight with everyone on the internet about it. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition…
  fool to do your dirty work

Chris Christie, Political Football

Happy Super Sportsball Bowl Day, everyone! It is a glorious day for New Jersey, as two squads of Human Growth Hormone-injected monsters meet in the state to kick the ball and throw the ball and run very fast and give each other brain damage. But what else is going on in the Garden State today? New Jersey quarterback Chris Christie is getting “sacked” by public opinion and also “fumbling” his own idiot lies. (Sportsball!) A few days ago, the lawyer for Chris Christie’s Best Friend Forever (Forever), David Wildstein, whom he’d never met, released a letter intimating that Chris Christie might have known some stuff about some things about the time David Wildstein, along with Bridget Jones Kelly, shut down some lanes on the George Washington Bridge to find a stranger in the Alps. Well Chris Christie was not taking that lying down in a puddle of his own sick, no sir! He has sent an email to his idiot GOP friends in response! But does it “raise more questions than it answers”? Fuhgeddaboutit. Read more on Chris Christie, Political Football…
 

Nice Denial About Knowing You Shut Down That Bridge, Chris Christie, Shame If Anything Were To Happen To It

When Chris Christie’s Best Friend Forever (Forever), this guy David Wildstein whom he’d never met, went before the hearings on Chris Christie’s shitty petty bullshit nonsense of closing the lanes to the George Washington Bridge as shitty petty bullshit nonsense political payback, he (David Wildstein) pleaded his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself. Like, a lot. “Oh hey fellas,” he said, “I might know some stuff about some things if’n you wanna quid pro quo me some whatchamacallit, amnesty or immunity or whatever the one is that you get for crimes, not for being Mexican.” (Direct quote.) Well, perhaps he did know some stuff about some things! Perhaps he did! Because now his lawyer is releasing letters that are incredibly not exciting, and also crap-written, but they seem to intimate some stuff! About some things! And everybody is mighty excited! Read more on Nice Denial About Knowing You Shut Down That Bridge, Chris Christie, Shame If Anything Were To Happen To It…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Makes War On Politico’s Matt Wuerker

It is easy to forget sometimes that D.C. area event planner Politico actually won a Pulitzer Prize in 2012. Not for their morning-winning, afternoon-winning news coverage, mind you, (lol, u guys.) but for their editorial cartoons, drawn by this guy Matt Wuerker. Like many a baby boomer — man — Wuerker used to be cool, before he sold out. He began his career cartooning for Portland’s alternative newspaper Willamette Week in the early 1980s, producing comics and illustrations in a self-taught and abrasive style that now feels uniquely of its time — specifically that “black and white revolution” in alternative comics, the one with all the zines and the post-punk and hardcore show posters. With an aesthetic as distinctive as Robbie Conal’s political grotestques or Raymond Pettibon’s album art for Black Flag, Wuerker pretty soon took his cartoons national. He published with the likes of FAIR’s Extra!, the Nation, and Z magazine. He did animation for music videos. He illustrated a book of essays about U.S. media propaganda for Edward S. Herman. Yes, THAT Edward S. Herman. The guy who wrote Manufacturing Consent with Noam “Chain Chomp” Chomsky. (For God’s sake, just look at the cover Wuerker drew for Herman’s book. His Bush Sr. is like a fucking GARGOYLE!!! It’s tremendous!) Matt Wuerker was, in short, the kinda man you’d catch stealing Economists from Walddenbooks while paying for his Utne Readers. Back off, man; Matt Wuerker would have those signatures in for PIRG by the end of his shift. That painting in the coffee shop? That’s Matt Wuerker’s! What do YOU care?! So. How did this man come to co-found Politico? It seems crazy right? Like learning that Henry Rollins now does voice work for direct-to-dvd superhero cartoons. Wouldn’t that be nuts!? Especially if one of them was Green Lantern: Emerald Knights. Welcome to part two of your Wonkette’s campaign against Pulitzer Cartoon Violence. Read more on Cartoon Violence Makes War On Politico’s Matt Wuerker…
  we're gonna run out of mob movie quotes soon

Withholding Hurricane Sandy Aid Should Teach Hoboken Not To Take Sides With Anyone Against Chris Christie Ever Again

We’re going to have to set up some sort of macro template to write about Chris Christie. It can include the words “bridge” and “corruption” and “investigation widens” and “Hurricane Sandy” and so on. The weekend brought news that Christie allegedly (see? no libel there!) blocked Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken because Mayor Dawn Zimmer wouldn’t play ball. We’ve touched upon this a couple times already but let’s face it: there is no such thing as too much coverage of the delicious ever-expanding Chris Christie scandal. So what is it that kicked off this latest possibly career-destroying scandal? Over the weekend, Hoboken lady mayor came forward and explained how her city had gotten approximately ten dollars of Hurricane Sandy aid instead of the kazillions it needs since the city was basically drowned during the hurricane, all thanks to Christie withholding those funds unless Zimmer greenlit a pet redevelopment project. Read more on Withholding Hurricane Sandy Aid Should Teach Hoboken Not To Take Sides With Anyone Against Chris Christie Ever Again…
  you're not helping

Mitt Romney Puts Blame For Chris Christie’s Bridge (And Sandy Aid) Where It Belongs: On Journalists

So you are Chris Christie. Your once-bright career is falling apart before your eyes, all because you closed a bridge in a fit of unexplainable pique, thanks to the fact that you are an inveterate bully. Oh, and you also may have blocked Hurricane Sandy aid to one of your own cities, but c’mon! That’s totally understandable because you wanted a little real estate quid pro quo and this fucking lady mayor would just not play ball. Can’t really be faulted for that, now can you? And now the woman has gone whinging to the U.S. Attorney’s office? Keeee-rist. Don’t people know how shit gets done in Christie-land, where you are a petty little king? Anyway, your beautiful life is crashing and burning. You need a lifeline. Someone to lift you up, pull you out of the muck when everyone else is abandoning you. Who do you get instead? Mitt Romney. Read more on Mitt Romney Puts Blame For Chris Christie’s Bridge (And Sandy Aid) Where It Belongs: On Journalists…
  big box office boredom

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Chris Christie Implosion/Mitt Romney Monotony Double Feature

You don’t even need to open this week’s Sunday New York Times to know that it is going to be wall-to-wall Chris Christie. First there was the news that he may have blocked Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken because the mayor there didn’t love Chris Christie’s real estate development as much as she should have, With those revelations, Christie’s transformation into out-of-control mob boss continues apace. Next up: Chris Christie kneecaps all of Trenton for failing to pay him protection money. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Chris Christie Implosion/Mitt Romney Monotony Double Feature…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Scrapbook Of Scum And Villainy

Happy weekend, wonktastic ones! You know how it works: Every weekend we see what horrible crud is stuck in our open browser tabs, bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own, and then spend the rest of the day waiting for Heidi N. Moore to complain that we STOLED her brilliant idea that was hers first. And so we proudly present “Today in Tabs, by Heidi N. Moore.” Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Scrapbook Of Scum And Villainy…
  deep thoughts

Peggy Noonan No Longer Finds Chris Christie A Caring And Attentive Lover, Thanks Obama!

She had known heartbreak, had Peggy Noonan. Oh yes, the beloved Sister of Our Lady of the Bottomless Julep had known the glorious touch of a lover sullied by the pain of betrayal when it was withheld. She had loved fully, ravenously, had taken up the cup Eros set before her, touched her lips to the rim of this magic goblet and drunk deeply of the nectar within. And it had been good, at least through election season. Until the nectar curdled in her belly and her lover left her bereft, wandering her penthouse with only her memories and her portraits of good Republican men to keep her company. There had been a place for him too, her love, in her Hall of Heroes. Even now an empty frame hung on the wall, awaiting only the day when she would commission a portraitist to take his brush to canvas and commit her lover’s image to immortality, a bulwark against the void of obscurity, gracelessness, and publicly funded teachers pensions. And then – O tempora! O mores! – the swift realization that he was like the others of his age, a self-centered politician only looking out for Number One. She had thought him better than that. “Oh Peggy,” she crooned softly as she stared mournfully at the empty gilded frame, ice clinking against the glass she swirled in her hand. “Help me mend my broken heart…and let me live agaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn….” Read more on Peggy Noonan No Longer Finds Chris Christie A Caring And Attentive Lover, Thanks Obama!…
  clipbait

Born To Just Sit There Idling: Jimmy Fallon & Bruce Springsteen Team Up For Awesome Bridgeghazi Parody

Chris Christie has lost the Boss, not that he ever really had him. Here for your morning clipbait are Jimmy Fallon and Bruce Springsteen, two broken heroes on a last chance power drive…but mostly just stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge. With the lanes out of Fort Lee closed, Wendy had better just not get her hopes up, is what they’re saying: Read more on Born To Just Sit There Idling: Jimmy Fallon & Bruce Springsteen Team Up For Awesome Bridgeghazi Parody…
  under the dumb

Twitchy Has Twitch-Fit At Stephen King Failing To Make Obama Villain In All His Novels

The nine fulltime employees at Twitchy were shocked and outraged because novelist Stephen King said an extremely biased, unfair, and totally offensive thing today! Specifically, the wealthy horror-book machine tweeted a thing about Chris Christie. Hope you’re sitting down, because it is hyper-partisan! On the Bridge Scandal: Impossible to believe Chris Christie’s rude & pugnacious attitude didn’t filter down to the troops. That…monster! No, not the one shambling out of the basement, we mean Stephen King. See, Team Twitchy caught King in a lie: He wrote about Chris Christie, but he completely failed to write about Barack Obama. Sigh. Oh sweetie. The lack of Obama-awareness is staggering. Seriously, kids, they have nine paid bloggers. Read more on Twitchy Has Twitch-Fit At Stephen King Failing To Make Obama Villain In All His Novels…