Tag Archives: chris christie

  Shut up today shut up tomorrow shut up forever!

Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
Lovable cuddly soft-spoken goofball Gov. Chris Christie (R-Joisey) appeared on the “Today Show” to vow that he will never give up, never surrender, when it comes to being a raging screamaholic jerk-faced jerk. Read more on Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick…
  lectures from the schoolmarm

Peggy Noonan’s Dead Aunt Is Smarter Than You

Another drinkie-poo? Are you really asking me that?
Graciousness! A lost art in America, Peggy Noonan mused to herself as she wandered the marbled halls of her Upper East Side manse with a pitcher of gin-and-NyQuil martinis in one hand and her Aunt Mary’s framed Ellis Island health card in the other. The card had notches in it to indicate that Aunt Mary had passed the examination of a shipboard doctor every day during her passage across the ocean to America in 1909, back when the country feared the dirty plagues carried by the filthy Irish from their home counties of Cork or Dork or Fie-de-Horsecow, or wherever. In America, Aunt Mary had pinned the card to her coat and worn it everywhere to let her new countrymen know that she was not one of those Irish, but a clean and (of course) gracious woman who would not infect anyone with potato blight. Read more on Peggy Noonan’s Dead Aunt Is Smarter Than You…
  Listicles Are Still A Thing Right?

Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You

We want your brains
This is you: “I want to dress up for Halloween but I’m lazy and have bad ideas. Can you help?” Probably not, but let’s take a crack at it anyway. Here are nine “easy” costume ideas for you to briefly consider before you just give up and go as whatever you were last year again (a loser with a bad costume). DISCLAIMER: Please do not actually attempt any of the following costumes, especially the ones involving bodily harm. Read more on Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You…
  Arrest everyone

Bill O’Reilly Will Throw All The Health Care Criminals In Ebola Prison

Who cares if he doesn't know what he's talking about?
Bill O’Reilly is getting pretty sick and tired of the Obama administration refusing to follow Bill O’Reilly’s “common sense” advice on Ebola. First, Dr. Tom Frieden, the director of the Centers for Disease Control, refused to go on O’Reilly’s show to explain why the CDC will not do exactly what O’Reilly says, which is why Frieden should resign, obviously. And now President Obama won’t even arrest that evil uppity threat-to-national-security nurse, Kaci Hickox, who does not have Ebola, and has not shown any symptoms of Ebola, but, as Gov. Chris Christie said, is “obviously ill” anyway. The nerve! Read more on Bill O’Reilly Will Throw All The Health Care Criminals In Ebola Prison…
  Get Christie Loathe!

Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding

Oh, PLEASE run for president. Your nation's comedy bloggers need you.
Ugly bag of mostly bile Chris Christie did some brave yelling at a guy during an appearance in Belmar, New Jersey, to mark the second anniversary of Hurricane Sandy on Wednesday. Where sometimes your Barry Bamz politely says he respects protesters’ rights to free speech (usually before they get escorted out), Chris Christie knows that anyone challenging him is just plain wrong. So he yelled a few choice insults at one guy who dared to challenge him. Read more on Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding…
  Infectious Unease Vectors

Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola

How odd that a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders isn't a Republican
Since Barack Obama stubbornly insists on listening to public health experts instead of Fox News, it’s become quite clear that wingnuts’ favored non-solution, a ban on travel from West Africa, isn’t going to happen. Happily, a few governors figured out that even if they can’t ban travel, they can impose a quarantine order on people who have been in West Africa, so now it’s time to scoop up people with no Ebola symptoms and isolate them all for 21 days. Read more on Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola…
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning that Kaci Hickox, a still-healthy nurse who returned to the U.S. and was clapped in irons for her own good Friday night, would be allowed to return home to Maine: Read more on Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her…
  senioritis

Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose

Image via YouTube With a little over a week to go before Election Day, Scott Walker is increasingly a man in need of a helping hand. His once-certain re-election as King of Wisconsin has taken up residence in every pollster’s “no idea, don’t ask us” box, the U.S. Supreme Court cruelly dashed his hopes of excluding thousands of largely Democratic voters from the polls, a new batch of documents just dropped from the investigation that’s taken down a half-dozen of his underlings and cronies, and his opponent Mary Burke has been landing punches (with ads) and drawing big crowds with visits from a string of Democratic superstars. Read more on Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose…
  Here have some news n stuff

If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
When it comes to Ebola, there’s what the experts say — no, travel bans won’t work; no, we should not quarantine everyone who sneezes on a subway; no, you can’t get Ebola by looking at a picture of President Obama — and then there are the politicians who don’t care what the experts say. Like New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who imprisoned a nurse, with no Ebola symptoms whatsoever, because in his expert medical opinion, she’s “obviously ill”: Read more on If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor…
  born to run

Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents

This fucking guy
Human meatball Chris Christie, governor of the Turnpike Exit State, is gearing up for his inevitable presidential run in 2016. Which means giving America a glimpse of that fabulously warm personality type that once made Tony Soprano the most popular murdering sociopath in America. Read more on Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents…
  Now From Our Boise Bureau

Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Our pals at Public Policy Polling (we like to say they’re our pals, but they don’t know us from Adam’s off ox) have graced us with a poll on the Idaho midterm elections, and you will be astonished to learn that Idahoans are probably going to elect a bunch of Republicans again. Read more on Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes…
  clipbait

Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You

Chris Christie, communist who would save New Jersey if he would allow price gouging
Just because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R-Bridgegate) makes Bruce Springsteen sick to his stomach because Christie stands for everything The Boss stands against is no reason why The Boss doesn’t want Christie pretending they are total besties. Take that, silly lady who thinks otherwise: Read more on Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's always been a great dancer
Would you like to start your day with some laughs, some tears, or maybe just go straight to the drinking? Of course you would! And we are here to help. You know things in Ferguson have gotten really ugly when CNN’s Don Lemon almost got arrested: Read more on Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  so many crimers

If We’re Lucky, All The 2016 GOP Candidates Could Land In Jail Before The Election

Did you guys know it is hella tough to bring the funny when it comes to campaign finance scandals, because you have to explain coordination and superPACs and oh Christ we’re bored already. We’ll make an exception, though, for this bit of finance fuckery — possibly maybe criminal finance fuckery! — involving Scott Walker, because who wants to pass up an opportunity to bash Scott Walker? Certainly not yr Wonkette. Read more on If We’re Lucky, All The 2016 GOP Candidates Could Land In Jail Before The Election…
  fa fa fa fashion

Joe Biden, Fashion Do

Instagram, it’s this thing. We do not actually know what it is, you look at other people’s lunch? And old pictures of Joe Biden and Chris Christie, who, judging by babby (and we are not being sizeist here, just historical-minded), seems to have begun his weight gain as sympathy bloat? How undapper and unstyley he appears next to old handsome Senator Joe Biden, who is rocking a turtleneck with total confidence, like he is on his way to drink Courvoisier with the honeys on the yacht. Senator Joe Biden, Mr. Good Times. Let us see some more Joe, schooling us all on “fashion.” Read more on Joe Biden, Fashion Do…
  #cancelkaili

Republican Goyim Go To Vegas To Dance Hora For Jew Dollars, Hilarity Ensues Oy

In case you missed it because you were taking your bubbe to shul, Republicans gathered in Las Vegas on Saturday to beg Republican Jews — all two and a half of them — to give them Jew dollars for their 2016 presidential aspirations. This is a thing Republicans do sometimes because even though American Jews are overwhelmingly Democrats, and in fact “the most strongly liberal, Democratic groups in U.S. politics,” there is this one Jew and his name is Sheldon Adelson and he has SOOO many Jew dollars and he is not a Democrat. In 2012, he spent eleventy billion trillion and thirteen of his Jew dollars supporting Newt Gingrich, which was a terrific investment for Adelson, since Newt is now our president. So you can see why Republicans think it is very important to woo him. He is also on the board of the Republican Jewish Coalition, which is quite possibly the most meaningless Jewish coalition since Jews for Sarah Palin. (We had a secret Jew meeting a few years back and decided we hate the shit out of Palin. She has failed to endear herself to us since then.) Read more on Republican Goyim Go To Vegas To Dance Hora For Jew Dollars, Hilarity Ensues Oy…
  is our correspondents learning?

A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One

The Gaylord National Resort is more than just a hotel with a name that makes pubescent boys snicker. It’s also a glassed-in mini-city with living trees and actual birds and tiny houses that hold patriotic gear stores and, for the second year, it is the Land of CPAC. Come along and let us visit this wondrous fantasy world! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One…
  put a sock in it

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition

Happy Super Sportsball Sunday! Go read the Times’s one million pages of regular sports coverage AND thinkpieces about the Super Bowl! Or don’t. Go read about Chris Christie! Or just read what we wrote about Christie already. Definitely read the Dylan Farrow letter from yesterday and then promptly go fight with everyone on the internet about it. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition…
  fool to do your dirty work

Chris Christie, Political Football

Happy Super Sportsball Bowl Day, everyone! It is a glorious day for New Jersey, as two squads of Human Growth Hormone-injected monsters meet in the state to kick the ball and throw the ball and run very fast and give each other brain damage. But what else is going on in the Garden State today? New Jersey quarterback Chris Christie is getting “sacked” by public opinion and also “fumbling” his own idiot lies. (Sportsball!) A few days ago, the lawyer for Chris Christie’s Best Friend Forever (Forever), David Wildstein, whom he’d never met, released a letter intimating that Chris Christie might have known some stuff about some things about the time David Wildstein, along with Bridget Jones Kelly, shut down some lanes on the George Washington Bridge to find a stranger in the Alps. Well Chris Christie was not taking that lying down in a puddle of his own sick, no sir! He has sent an email to his idiot GOP friends in response! But does it “raise more questions than it answers”? Fuhgeddaboutit. Read more on Chris Christie, Political Football…
 

Nice Denial About Knowing You Shut Down That Bridge, Chris Christie, Shame If Anything Were To Happen To It

When Chris Christie’s Best Friend Forever (Forever), this guy David Wildstein whom he’d never met, went before the hearings on Chris Christie’s shitty petty bullshit nonsense of closing the lanes to the George Washington Bridge as shitty petty bullshit nonsense political payback, he (David Wildstein) pleaded his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself. Like, a lot. “Oh hey fellas,” he said, “I might know some stuff about some things if’n you wanna quid pro quo me some whatchamacallit, amnesty or immunity or whatever the one is that you get for crimes, not for being Mexican.” (Direct quote.) Well, perhaps he did know some stuff about some things! Perhaps he did! Because now his lawyer is releasing letters that are incredibly not exciting, and also crap-written, but they seem to intimate some stuff! About some things! And everybody is mighty excited! Read more on Nice Denial About Knowing You Shut Down That Bridge, Chris Christie, Shame If Anything Were To Happen To It…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Makes War On Politico’s Matt Wuerker

It is easy to forget sometimes that D.C. area event planner Politico actually won a Pulitzer Prize in 2012. Not for their morning-winning, afternoon-winning news coverage, mind you, (lol, u guys.) but for their editorial cartoons, drawn by this guy Matt Wuerker. Like many a baby boomer — man — Wuerker used to be cool, before he sold out. He began his career cartooning for Portland’s alternative newspaper Willamette Week in the early 1980s, producing comics and illustrations in a self-taught and abrasive style that now feels uniquely of its time — specifically that “black and white revolution” in alternative comics, the one with all the zines and the post-punk and hardcore show posters. With an aesthetic as distinctive as Robbie Conal’s political grotestques or Raymond Pettibon’s album art for Black Flag, Wuerker pretty soon took his cartoons national. He published with the likes of FAIR’s Extra!, the Nation, and Z magazine. He did animation for music videos. He illustrated a book of essays about U.S. media propaganda for Edward S. Herman. Yes, THAT Edward S. Herman. The guy who wrote Manufacturing Consent with Noam “Chain Chomp” Chomsky. (For God’s sake, just look at the cover Wuerker drew for Herman’s book. His Bush Sr. is like a fucking GARGOYLE!!! It’s tremendous!) Matt Wuerker was, in short, the kinda man you’d catch stealing Economists from Walddenbooks while paying for his Utne Readers. Back off, man; Matt Wuerker would have those signatures in for PIRG by the end of his shift. That painting in the coffee shop? That’s Matt Wuerker’s! What do YOU care?! So. How did this man come to co-found Politico? It seems crazy right? Like learning that Henry Rollins now does voice work for direct-to-dvd superhero cartoons. Wouldn’t that be nuts!? Especially if one of them was Green Lantern: Emerald Knights. Welcome to part two of your Wonkette’s campaign against Pulitzer Cartoon Violence. Read more on Cartoon Violence Makes War On Politico’s Matt Wuerker…
  we're gonna run out of mob movie quotes soon

Withholding Hurricane Sandy Aid Should Teach Hoboken Not To Take Sides With Anyone Against Chris Christie Ever Again

We’re going to have to set up some sort of macro template to write about Chris Christie. It can include the words “bridge” and “corruption” and “investigation widens” and “Hurricane Sandy” and so on. The weekend brought news that Christie allegedly (see? no libel there!) blocked Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken because Mayor Dawn Zimmer wouldn’t play ball. We’ve touched upon this a couple times already but let’s face it: there is no such thing as too much coverage of the delicious ever-expanding Chris Christie scandal. So what is it that kicked off this latest possibly career-destroying scandal? Over the weekend, Hoboken lady mayor came forward and explained how her city had gotten approximately ten dollars of Hurricane Sandy aid instead of the kazillions it needs since the city was basically drowned during the hurricane, all thanks to Christie withholding those funds unless Zimmer greenlit a pet redevelopment project. Read more on Withholding Hurricane Sandy Aid Should Teach Hoboken Not To Take Sides With Anyone Against Chris Christie Ever Again…