Tag Archives: chris christie

  65% of new jersey voters can't be wrong

New Jersey Loves Chris Christie Too Much To Share Him With America

America needs him.
According to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, there is just not enough of him to go around, and New Jersey residents would be very upset and jealous if he betrayed them by running for president of U.S. America. In an interview with Fox News lady Megyn Kelly, Christie said that the little fact that 65 percent of New Jersey voters think he would be a bad president is of absolutely no consequence. Because, you see, New Jersey voters are just lying, because they would be far too upset if he left them to be the governor of all the Americas: Read more on New Jersey Loves Chris Christie Too Much To Share Him With America…
  Now we know

Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Determined To Prove He’s Just As Stupid As His Brother

Yes, he's that dumb
Jeb Bush has dreamed of being president since, oh, the last century. His dumb big brother got to skip ahead of him (UNFAIR, Dad), but now it is finally Jeb’s turn. So given his decades of dreaming and scheming and preparationing, you’d think he would know how to answer the most obvious question he will be asked during his not-yet-official campaign: Are you a fucking idiot just like your brother? Read more on Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Determined To Prove He’s Just As Stupid As His Brother…
  So THAT'S where that money went

Chris Christie Eated All The Snacks

And I'll take 115 of those beers
Chris Christie is your average, regular guy — why, he’s not even rich, only worth a mere $5 million or so — who just happens to enjoy the perks and privileges that come with being governor of New Jersey. Like having a state police helicopter to haul his ass to his kid’s baseball games, and then a car to further haul his ass 100 yards across the baseball field. Also? Snack foods. Lots of snack foods: Read more on Chris Christie Eated All The Snacks…
  The Poor Little Rich Governor

Poor Chris Christie Is Not A Rich Man. He’s Barely A Five-Millionaire!

And I'll take 115 of those beers
So here’s a nice little thinky piece on income disparities and how the merely wealthy see themselves as not especially rich, particularly not when compared to their obscenely wealthy friends. It takes as its focus New Jersey Gov. Christie, whose family income came to a mere $698,838 in 2013 ($160,054 from his job as governor, and $475,854 from his wife’s income at an investment bank), according to his taxes. And yet, even though that’s definitely enough to put him into the top 1 percent of earners, Chris Christie doesn’t feel rich, as he explained in New Hampshire Friday. Read more on Poor Chris Christie Is Not A Rich Man. He’s Barely A Five-Millionaire!…
  Ted Cruz Is The Best Ted Cruz There Is

Ted Cruz Will Win Back America By Mentioning Reagan, Sexting

He's got spirit, yes he does!
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Calgary) was on FIRE, y’all, preaching so hard at the attendees of this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference, and unlike most of the other RINO speakers, he didn’t need no stinkin’ TelePrompter to testify, praise the lord! Read more on Ted Cruz Will Win Back America By Mentioning Reagan, Sexting…
  butchers of the world unite!

Politico Wins The Morning With Some Henry Kissinger Knob-Gobbling

The 70s were so weird.
Withered garden gnome Henry Kissinger got himself a nice little write-up in Politico the other day. The thrust of the knob-swabbing was that even at his nursing home-appropriate age of 91, visits to his consulting office to kiss the old butcher’s ring remain de rigueur for any presidential candidate from either major party. Which is how you get the spectacle of such foreign policy savants as Scott Walker, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio and Chris Friggin’ Christie parading through Kissinger’s inner sanctum to toast him with a goblet of the freshly squeezed blood of orphaned Third World street urchins that keeps the Dark Lord’s atrophied heart beating. Read more on Politico Wins The Morning With Some Henry Kissinger Knob-Gobbling…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: The GOP Has Vax-In-Mouth Disease

Chris Christie had no comment on this screenshot
Rachel Maddow brings us Day Two of Republicans trying to figure out whether they believe in vaccinations against deadly diseases. In London, Chris Christie apparently took seriously her Monday piece about the curse of American politicians saying dumb things when they went to that city, because he refused to talk to reporters all day Tuesday, and not just about vaccinations. About anything. Read more on Morning Maddow: The GOP Has Vax-In-Mouth Disease…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Chris Christie’s Half-Vaxed London Comments (Video)

Don't Talk about MI6, Mitt!
Rachel Maddow had far too much fun Monday recounting all the times American presidential candidates have made asses of themselves while visiting London. Actually, 80 percent of those times involved Mitt Romney’s single disastrous visit, but it sure set the template. Read more on Morning Maddow: Chris Christie’s Half-Vaxed London Comments (Video)…
  sit down and shut up

Chris Christie Smacked Down On Vaccines By Chris Christie’s Office

Well, maybe panic just a little
Wait a minute, folks, Chris Christie never said people shouldn’t vaccinate their kids! Except that one time today when he kind of did say he was in favor of “balance” between public health and parental choice, and that other time in 2009 he expressed sympathy with anti-vaxxers, which we’ll get to in a moment. But no, he really does think vaccination is important, his office says now. Read more on Chris Christie Smacked Down On Vaccines By Chris Christie’s Office…
  Just try yelling at measles

Chris Christie/Jenny McCarthy 2016

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said Monday that public health policy needs to find a “balance” between the need to protect the public and parents who don’t know shit about science. This comes less than four months after Christie slapped a completely healthy nurse into a quarantine tent because she’d been treating Ebola patients. Read more on Chris Christie/Jenny McCarthy 2016…
  It'll be just like Robocop or Escape From New York.

Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any

They just want to buy the White House is all
If President Obama’s lame-duck “don’t give a fuck” attitude has been improving your outlook on life lately, then fresh from Freedom Partners’ annual winter summit comes some news that will send you crashing right back down to Frown Town. An anonymous source who attended the summit told the Washington Post that Big Energy kingpins Charles and David Koch, the richest elder vampires of the richest family of bloodsuckers in the world, have apparently committed to spending a staggering $889 million during the 2016 general election. In other words, an unparalleled stream of cash that would make Donald Trump blush. Read more on Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any…
  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
  It's Not Because He's Fat It's Because He Eats Babies

What Is Chris Christie Doing To These Babies?

Chris Christie, he’s a hell of a nice guy, no matter what that goldurned New York Times Magazine says. (They called him masterful and a winner, basically, in many many many words that we did not read all of, because author Mark Leibovich was basically jacking off on the page, and it made us feel icky in our icky place.) Read more on What Is Chris Christie Doing To These Babies?…
  Time to start offending people who don't live in Iowa

Chris Christie Throws New Jersey Lady-Pigs Under 2016 Campaign Bus

Christie smash
Photo by Beth Ethier Chris Christie is a master of pre-presidential innovation. Having spent the 2014 midterm season hitting key states to campaign for Republican candidates, Christie has moved on to a bold new tactic: inviting Iowans to decide which laws are best for New Jersey where he is, at least nominally, still governor. Read more on Chris Christie Throws New Jersey Lady-Pigs Under 2016 Campaign Bus…
  If It's Sunday It's A Good Thing There's A 2:00 Replay

Scott Walker: Only ‘Fresh, Organic’ GOP Governors Can Beat Moldy Old Hillary

We have to admit, Wonketteers, that we did not stick to our Chuck Todd diet. We really did intend to get up every Sunday for Meet the Press to see Chuck’s tough questioning of the Biggest Names in News and stay in shape with his touchscreen map upper-body workouts, but it wasn’t until his first show after the Democrats were sent to live on the farm upstate that he enticed us to come back by landing an EXCLUSIVE interview with Scott Walker, King of Wisconsin. Read more on Scott Walker: Only ‘Fresh, Organic’ GOP Governors Can Beat Moldy Old Hillary…
  nice time!

Enjoy The Hell Out Of This Little Girl Telling A Street Preacher To Shut! UP! (Video)

You know those guys who stand on the street, or maybe even ring your doorbell just when you’re sitting down to dinner, to Biblesplain how you are going to Hell, where you will burn forever and ever, unless you take their pamphlets? Sure you do, and you know you want to scream at them to shut up already, but you probably don’t do that because you are A Lady. Read more on Enjoy The Hell Out Of This Little Girl Telling A Street Preacher To Shut! UP! (Video)…
  Shut up today shut up tomorrow shut up forever!

Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
Lovable cuddly soft-spoken goofball Gov. Chris Christie (R-Joisey) appeared on the “Today Show” to vow that he will never give up, never surrender, when it comes to being a raging screamaholic jerk-faced jerk. Read more on Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick…
  lectures from the schoolmarm

Peggy Noonan’s Dead Aunt Is Smarter Than You

Another drinkie-poo? Are you really asking me that?
Graciousness! A lost art in America, Peggy Noonan mused to herself as she wandered the marbled halls of her Upper East Side manse with a pitcher of gin-and-NyQuil martinis in one hand and her Aunt Mary’s framed Ellis Island health card in the other. The card had notches in it to indicate that Aunt Mary had passed the examination of a shipboard doctor every day during her passage across the ocean to America in 1909, back when the country feared the dirty plagues carried by the filthy Irish from their home counties of Cork or Dork or Fie-de-Horsecow, or wherever. In America, Aunt Mary had pinned the card to her coat and worn it everywhere to let her new countrymen know that she was not one of those Irish, but a clean and (of course) gracious woman who would not infect anyone with potato blight. Read more on Peggy Noonan’s Dead Aunt Is Smarter Than You…
  Listicles Are Still A Thing Right?

Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You

We want your brains
This is you: “I want to dress up for Halloween but I’m lazy and have bad ideas. Can you help?” Probably not, but let’s take a crack at it anyway. Here are nine “easy” costume ideas for you to briefly consider before you just give up and go as whatever you were last year again (a loser with a bad costume). DISCLAIMER: Please do not actually attempt any of the following costumes, especially the ones involving bodily harm. Read more on Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You…