Wonkette

• When Obama was the nine-year-old boy-king of the Terrorists, in the 60s, he personally gave the order for Bill Ayers to nuke McCain’s best friend’s living room. [Top of the Ticket]
• 100% of the Maverick’s dumb teevee commercials are negative. Only 1/3 of Obama’s are negative. [Marc Ambinder]
• Palin rambles off all the prepositions she knows in addition to the phrase “New York Times” as her response to the question of why Obama’s first marriage to Bill Ayers has anything to do with anything. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Hooray the White House is pink, for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Sarah Palin wants to remind you that Obama is still black. [DC Examiner]
• McCain set fire to John Edwards’ father’s mill, which Americans have been using for centuries to sew the patriotism into flags. And then he shipped that burnt husk of a mill to China, just because he can. [Ben Smith]

Wonkette tipster “Joe,” a FORMER Washington Mutual account holder, writes: “So I went to check my account and saw this. Apparently the Chinese who now own my account can’t bear to watch either.” YOU RACIST, but close enough! FEEL THE WHOO HOO!

• OH, UH …. “Chinese regulators have told domestic banks to stop interbank lending to U.S. financial institutions to prevent possible losses during the financial crisis.” [REUTERS]

While George W. Bush begged us to go along with Henry Paulson’s plan to print $700 billion worth of Treasury bills to sell to the Chinese in a tragic attempt to somewhat delay our Greatest Depression and final decline as a nation, China itself has been, you know, doing stuff. MORE »

America’s Princess of Light, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, has adopted a somber tone for today’s edition of “Declarations.” While sipping on a petite tumbler of butterscotch liqueur and eating pasty crumpets, Noonan writes about how the financial crisis has shown how terribly inept either candidate would be at fixing America’s problems, because neither of them is Zeus or Jesus — basically, how can we expect anything from a president who lacks even a modicum of magical powers, such as mind control or laser-gun eyes? It’s one of those Peggington Noonington columns we love: you disagree with so many obnoxious points along the way, but she manages to end on a few staggering notes that kill you, headlong, right into the weekend. MORE »

Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs, the two largest independent investment banks to not have been brutally murdered yet, are… moderately fucked? Both companies’ stock prices have been dropping a solid 10-20% each of the last few days, but supposedly that will curtail when people calm the fuck down. WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN, which is why Morgan Stanley will now be sold to the Chinese government for two crusty dildos and a pack of Luckies. MORE »

Here’s some lady named Tammany Hall on the teevee, making fun of the Chinese. Tiki Barber and the other gal are like, “who is this idiot?” The best part is at :11 when one of the two ladies makes this weird noise for no reason. [YouTube]

You’ve seen the drunken Bush falling down the stadium steps, you’ve seen the sweaty drunken Bush baffled by the volleyball gal’s ass, and you’ve seen him making terrible faces while his daughter cringes. You maybe even saw a similar shot to this one, over at Gawker’s nice collection of Bush In China Foto Funnies, but this is something special, so very special and retarded. TWO-MINUTES LATER UPDATE: It’s a crappy photoshop. But funny! [Democratic Underground]

Do you have the Summer Olympic Fever? No? Neither do we. But now we sort of regret missing the Opening Ceremony, which was apparently done completely with the computer game The SIMS. MORE »

George W. Bush wasn’t just dripping sweat while acting like a lunatic at the Olympics — he also couldn’t actually stand up on his own. Jesus! See the creepy close-up, after the jump. MORE »

So, George W. Bush sure enjoyed his Olympic Chinese holiday! Here he is with the volleyball girls, living every heterosexual man’s dream. Let’s see how many ridiculous ways your beloved Mainstream Media tries to describe this scene, in a Children’s Treasury of dumb captions about the president pounding the asses of six-foot-tall bikini girls. MORE »