Tag Archives: china

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week’s Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin’s back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin’s wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama’s foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House…
  Here have some news n stuff

Idiot Anti-Vaxxers Can’t Believe People Are So ‘Vicious’ About Them Being Idiots

Jut vaccinate your damned kids
Like it’s not bad enough that some trendy dumb parents are refusing to vaccinate their children, and helping to make all-but-extinct diseases like measles ALL THE RAGE. Because yeah, that’s bad enough. But now they’re complaining people who actually believe in science are being SO MEAN about it: Read more on Idiot Anti-Vaxxers Can’t Believe People Are So ‘Vicious’ About Them Being Idiots…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors

Sudo bring me a muffin.
It’s time for another Derp Roundup, the occasional feature where we pressure-wash all the crud off our open browser tabs and bring you some stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. Please administer brain bleach with caution. Read more on Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors…
  Accuracy In Slut Shaming

Anti-Abortion Lady Does Math Proving Abortion Is Fake

Maybe you should try video game design...
So Thursday on the Twittersphere, some pro-choice ladies had a big internet event, telling their own stories of having had abortions, with the goal of reducing the stigma of talking about a legal medical procedure that one in three women have had. The 1 in 3 Campaign featured a hundred people telling their stories and tweeting about them. Read more on Anti-Abortion Lady Does Math Proving Abortion Is Fake…
  It's Like Sophie's Choice Met Dumb And Dumber

Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian

Why Not the Pest?
In what is undoubtedly the YOOGEST news since the last time Donald Trump said anything, Donald Trump hinted today on Fox & Friends that the situation in Washington has become so intolerable, what with the fraud and the lying and the dishonesty and the Obamacare that just doesn’t work and is based on a lie because a guy said so on video, that he, Donald Trump, just might have to become president to fix it. No, really, this time he means it: He is genuinely thinking that he should be President. Maybe not that he will actually run, because that is work, but he’s very happy to pretend that he faces some kind of Sophie’s Choice about doing weekly Fox & Friends visits or making a serious bid for office. Read more on Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian…
  Another liberal conspiracy

United States And China Agree To Keep Pushing ‘Climate Change’ Hoax

(Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)
Official White House Photo by Pete Souza Great news for those greedy climate change “scientists.” The leaders of Communist China and even-more-Communist America have agreed to agree that their two nations, as the leading polluters of this one planet we have here, should maybe try to do something about that. Read more on United States And China Agree To Keep Pushing ‘Climate Change’ Hoax…
  Your Morning Maddow

There’s A Secret Train Station Under The Waldorf-Astoria, And Rachel Maddow Loves It (Video)

Delighted Rachel Is Delighted
Rachel Maddow loves this story so much she can hardly stand it. Just before the Crash of 1929, a “last bit of Gilded Age Amazement” was announced in the New York Times: The then-new Waldorf-Astoria hotel would include its very own underground rail siding, where the filthy rich could arrive in their private railroad cars and be escorted directly to a special elevator to their suites. Read more on There’s A Secret Train Station Under The Waldorf-Astoria, And Rachel Maddow Loves It (Video)…
  From China With Love

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets

CRUSH
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (seen here crushing the testicles of an invisible immigrant) allegedly, we said allegedly, failed to report an alleged Chinese spy who infiltrated the Arizona Counter Terrorism [sic; seriously, Arizona, buy an AP style book] Information Center. That’s according to ProPublica and the Center for Investigative Reporting, but we heard about this through The Verge, so they get the linky. Grab a fresh cup of coffee, because this story gets deep in a hurry. Read more on Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets…
  lies damned lies and a beka book

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People

Better fire up your modems and log into your AOL account (or Prodigy for you hipsters). Time for another look at the ruinous near-decade of prosperity under Bill Clinton, as refracted through the Truthiness Lens of rightwing Christian textbooks. This week, foreign affairs! (And next week, we’ll get to the other kind.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People…
  america's nightmare of peace and prosperity

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain

Pop quiz time! (If you need to review last week’s lesson, you may.) Here is an actual review question from our 8th-grade American History textbook from Christian publisher A Beka, America: Land I Love (2006): “What Communist leader toured America in 1990?” Now, you filthy liberals may think the correct answer would be Mikhail Gorbachev, or possibly if you’re a big trivia buff, Jiang Zemin, but you would be wrong. Obviously, the huge commie they’re talking about is Nelson Mandela. And that’s why we love these textbooks. Their idea of what needs to be emphasized always manages to surprise us. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain…
  this digression will not stand man

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Do Not Like Broccoli

After a million weeks on Ronald Reagan, the Greatest President Ever, our survey of a couple of rightwing Christian textbooks will devote about 1500 words to his successor, George Herbert Walker Kennebunkport Milli Vanilli Bush, the 41st President and only the second-worst President named “George Bush.” And Happy Father’s Day to a very middling president whose son managed to make him look like a freakin’ statesman. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Do Not Like Broccoli…
  law and ordure

Arizona Tea Party Lady Shocked By Parallels Between Bundy Ranch, Tiananmen Square

Today’s winner of the “At Least You Didn’t Say Hitler” award goes to Arizona state Rep. Kelly Townsend, who said she was shocked to see video of police using a stun gun on one of the sons of Hero Nevada Scofflaw Cliven Bundy. How upsetting was the video, exactly? “Watching that video last night created a visceral reaction in me,” Townsend told the Las Vegas Review-Journal. “It sounds dramatic, but it reminded me of Tiananmen Square. I don’t recognize my country at this point.” She apparently doesn’t recognize China, either, where in 1989 People’s Liberation Army troops killed hundreds of peaceful protestors, possibly upwards of 1,000, depending on whose estimates you use. But apart from that, yes, the stunning of one guy and the seizure of a couple hundred cattle is almost exactly the same. Once again, however, we do wish to congratulate Ms. Townsend on not comparing the action to the Nazis. Read more on Arizona Tea Party Lady Shocked By Parallels Between Bundy Ranch, Tiananmen Square…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Betrays America (Again), Plays Ping-Pong Like A Goddamned Communist

How is Michelle Obama, Kenyan impostoress and supposed “First Lady” of the United States of Murka, betraying our glorious nation today? Did you answer “breathing”? Well YOU ARE WRONG SIR. No, today she is betraying us, her “co-citizens” (yeah right), by playing ping-pong in China and also answering a question from a Chinese student about study-abroad programs, and how kids should try to see the world and engage other cultures if at all feasible. Thanks a lot, MRS. STALIN J. MAO. Read more on Michelle Obama Betrays America (Again), Plays Ping-Pong Like A Goddamned Communist…
  the internet was nice while it lasted

Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It

OMG! Did you guys hear that the Internet is being given away? Quick! Download all the dirtiest porn you can, because THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO GO AWAY FOREVER! YES, GODDAMIT, THIS DOES TOO DESERVE ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE INTERNET WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. At least, that’s what we are hearing. Are you freaking out yet? FREAK OUT, DAMMIT. Wait, we are hearing that there is a small chance of an over-reaction by everyone. Perhaps you should rein it in, Dear Reader, and calm the fuck down. No need to freak out all the time just because some crazy website told you to. Here’s the deal, straight from the Commerce Department, via Media Matters: To support and enhance the multistakeholder model of Internet policymaking and governance, the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA) today announces its intent to transition key Internet domain name functions to the global multistakeholder community. In non-government speak, the Washington Post helpfully explains, “U.S. officials announced plans Friday to relinquish federal government control over the administration of the Internet.” Apparently, in a transition that has been in the works since 1998, there will soon be a global governing body to help keep the Internet running smoothly and full of all the Interracial Siberian Threesomes your eyeballs can handle. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It…
  they won't give an inchon korea

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Fighting Godless Communism From Korea To The U.N.

If there’s anything that gets the editors of our textbooks for Christian homeschoolers exercised, it’s communism. And evolution. And deviations from fundamentalist Protestantism. And secular humanism. But especially communism (which is influenced by Darwinism and atheism). And so, it stands to reason that they have a fine old time with the Cold War. And as usual, our 8th-grade textbook, America: Land I Love (A Beka, 1994 & 2006), is the far more enthusiastic Cold Warrior; as we saw last week, Land I Love doesn’t describe the conflict merely as a geopolitical contest for influence between the USSR and the U.S./Western Europe, but as a fight between “the ideologies of Americanism and Communism.” Our text for 11th/12th grade, Bob Jones University Press’s United States History for Christian Schools (2001), is a lot less excitable, but still very firmly anticommunist. And of course, since humans are inherently sinful and real peace can only come from God, both books find efforts at cooling international tensions, like the United Nations, to be somewhere between naïve (U.S. History) and downright anti-American (Land I Love). Foolish hu-mans, thinking that “international cooperation” can accomplish anything! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Fighting Godless Communism From Korea To The U.N….
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Scrapbook Of Scum And Villainy

Happy weekend, wonktastic ones! You know how it works: Every weekend we see what horrible crud is stuck in our open browser tabs, bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own, and then spend the rest of the day waiting for Heidi N. Moore to complain that we STOLED her brilliant idea that was hers first. And so we proudly present “Today in Tabs, by Heidi N. Moore.” Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Scrapbook Of Scum And Villainy…
  an enigma inside a mystery wrapped in goof gas

Your Conspiracy Theory O’ The Day: Barack Obama Will Attack America With Fake Space Aliens, Real Canadians

Well it certainly took long enough, dammit. After all the dumb conspiracy theories about Barack Obama, why did we have to wait until the final week of 2013 for someone to say he’s in cahoots with Space Aliens, huh? Unless… all the others who tried to reveal the truth are dead! Better start looking into that. And buy another gun. We’re just going to write the rest of this post from Wonkette’s Bunker Of Love, safely 20 feet underground on our Idaho compound. So the dealio with this one is that Jim Garrow, the self-proclaimed Real CIA Spy who has been promoting the story that Barack Obama tried to nuke South Carolina for George Soros and also believes that the Kenyan Usurper bumped off Andrew Breitbart, Michael Hastings, and Tom Clancy because they Knew Too Much, proclaimed on Erik Rush’s radio / podcast thing Monday that Obama is right on the verge of a massive deception: He’s going to announce that America has been in contact with space aliens, and somehow that false story of talking to the Star People will distract everyone from Obama’s terrible poll numbers so they will make him Preznit for Life or something. No, we really don’t know why Garrow thinks such a hoax would make Obama popular, but that is not the real story anyway. The real story is that you need to get ready for the coming UN/Chinese/Canadian invasion. Read more on Your Conspiracy Theory O’ The Day: Barack Obama Will Attack America With Fake Space Aliens, Real Canadians…
  everything must go

Chinese Investors Buying All Our Surplus Ohio

Looks like someone finally figured out what to do with all this extra Ohio we’ve been stuck with: ties between Toledo and China have grown numerous. Chinese companies have paid more than $10 million in cash for two local hotels, a restaurant complex and a 69-acre waterfront property. Mayor Michael P. Bell has taken four trips to China in four years in search of investors. His business cards are double-sided, in English and Chinese. Sure, a double-sided business card sounds like a good idea until you discover that the Chinese translation of your job title is “Comical Dog-Man Who Exposes Himself Without Shame.” Read more on Chinese Investors Buying All Our Surplus Ohio…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  we refuse to call her the 'money honey

The Day Everything Changed: Maria Bartiromo Will Make Sweet Love To Wall Street On Different Network

CNBC Teevee Lady Maria Bartiromo is departing the Wall Street-fellating network that’s been her home for 20 years so that she can lick the bronze bull’s balls at rival Fox Business Network instead. Bartiromo recently got a bit of attention beyond the insular world of financial cable teevee when she mocked the very idea that JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon should be fired over record SEC fines and a little bit of bribery in China, because why would mere legal malfeasance be a reason to fire a CEO who’s raking in huge profits? Read more on The Day Everything Changed: Maria Bartiromo Will Make Sweet Love To Wall Street On Different Network…
  Kind Of A Dick

Edward Snowden, We Need To Talk

First things first: Thank you, Edward Snowden. You made a few more people care that we pawned away some valuable shit that might be tough to get back. (There was some panic buying on Feeling Safer, can you blame us?) Now, maybe our rights, our privacy, and the abuse of secrecy will become, gasp, issues debated in Congress. Anything’s possible! Now then: Fuck you, Edward Snowden, ur doing it wrong. Yr Wonkette can think of between several and a lot of ways you could have revealed how the NSA is involved in some stuff that all citizens deserve to be informed about, but are not. For example: If we were you, we would have left out your latest “revelation” about how the US is doing spy things in China (cyberly) to gain “access to the communications of hundreds of thousands of computers.” Read more on Edward Snowden, We Need To Talk…