Tag Archives: china

  I see England I see France I can see Russia from my house

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.
Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes — like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State — is not the same thing as actual foreign policy experience, her likely rival for the nomination, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin (R-Zzzzzzz), apparently is not paying attention, because he told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation that he will be so much better of a president than Hillary Clinton, because the places he went to on airplanes are nice, and the places Hillary Clinton went to on airplanes suckity suck, and are also Benghazi: Read more on Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice…
  Sins Of Emissions

While We Were Filling Up Our Pickups, China Cut Greenhouse Gas A Whole Bunch

The LSD in the water supply may help, too
Some cautious good news on climate, maybe! China has reduced its emissions of greenhouse gases by a big whole lot, according to Greenpeace — about an 8 percent reduction in coal use in the first four months of 2015 compared to 2014. And because China is on the enormous side, as countries and economies go, those Chinese reductions in carbon dioxide equal to more than the total output of C02 in the UK for the same period. So yay, slight reduction in greenhouse gases for a limited period! It all helps. Read more on While We Were Filling Up Our Pickups, China Cut Greenhouse Gas A Whole Bunch…
  Let's Call The Whole Thing Off

Donald Trump: How Can We Win If Obama Keeps Saying ‘ISIL’?

What's with the pinkie there? Does he always do that? We'd never noticed
Donald Trump was welcomed to the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting this weekend, and of all the minds analyzing the situation in the Middle East, the finely tuned think-organ of Donald Trump is definitely one of them. He has discovered the real reason  the terrorist group known in Arabic as الدولة الإسلامية في العراق والشام (ad-Dawlah al-Islāmiyah fīl-ʿIrāq wash-Shām ) is so darned much trouble: Because our so-called “president” uses the wrong danged acronym for it in English! Read more on Donald Trump: How Can We Win If Obama Keeps Saying ‘ISIL’?…
  Real Flag False Story

‘Patriots’ Take Credit For Perfectly Routine Removal Of Chinese Flag, Save America From Communism!

We're pretty sure there's just not enough red dye for an entire iceberg.
Wonkette EXCLUSIVE must cite Wonkette!!! The Wingnuttosphere is full of excited stories about an absolute OUTRAGE that occurred last week, when the flag of COMMUNIST RED CHINA, our sworn enemy and trading partner, was flown in front of the Washington state capitol building in Olympia to honor a visit by Chinese Ambassador Cui Tiankai. After much huffing and puffing, the offensive banner was hauled down Saturday morning either by brave, Constitution-Loving Patriots, or by a maintenance worker who was removing it because the ambassadorial visit was over. Actually, Yr Wonkette has confirmed with the office of Gov. Jay Inslee that the flag was taken down as a matter of routine — not due to pressure from wingnuts. Read more on ‘Patriots’ Take Credit For Perfectly Routine Removal Of Chinese Flag, Save America From Communism!…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin To Save All The Anchor Babies From Mean Obama, Wait What?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Let’s see, which warmed-over, 30-day-old story should we choose for this week’s Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker? Oooh, this one looks fun! It’s a video about “maternity hotels,” which are places in U.S. America where THE YELLOW MENACE comes to pop out their job-stealing anchor babbies. The Tundra Grifter is right to point out that this odious practice ought to be banned, and you’d think she’d be pleased to hear that President Nobummer raided 37 “maternity hotels” in California last month. Ha ha, the idea that Sarah Palin would give Barack Obama credit for doing what she said he should do, this is famous joke among Yr Wonket’s people. Let’s go to the tape! Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin To Save All The Anchor Babies From Mean Obama, Wait What?…
  Sexxxy Nice Time

Inspiring! These Pandas F*cked Each Other For Almost Eight Whole Minutes!

What a thrilled zookeeper that must be, peeping in the background!
Move over, all you other panda dudes who think you’re hot shit or something. This Chinese panda bear studmuffin has set a whole new sex record that will leave you feeling downright flaccid and Not Good Enough. His name is Lu Lu, and all the panda ladies and the gay panda bois can’t stop talking about him because, according to the Daily Mail, he fucked this one panda, name of Zhen Zhen, for seven minutes and forty-five seconds, which is a very long time for panda sex! Read more on Inspiring! These Pandas F*cked Each Other For Almost Eight Whole Minutes!…
  patriotism

Republicans Tire Of Telling Americans Obama Isn’t Really President, Decide To Inform The U.N. Instead

President In Name Only
So this is how the Republican Party is going to proceed until they finally repeal President Obama from the White House: The Obama administration’s plan for U.N. climate change talks encountered swift opposition after its release Tuesday, with Republican leaders warning other countries to “proceed with caution” in negotiations with Washington because any deal could be later undone. Tuesday’s announcement by the White House that it had submitted a plan to the UN Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) to reduce carbon emissions, per an agreement made in November between President Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping, is the sort of thing that shouldn’t be controversial because reducing greenhouse gases benefits everyone — even Republicans! Read more on Republicans Tire Of Telling Americans Obama Isn’t Really President, Decide To Inform The U.N. Instead…
  South Florida Still Screwed

Oh Hey, The White House To Do Something On Climate Change! Tyranny, Etc., Impeach!

Now, about my disappearing habitat...
So here’s some breaking climate news that’s actually a step in the right direction. The Obama administration announced Tuesday that it has set an official target for reducing the amount of greenhouse gases we pump into the atmosphere, and has submitted that plan to the UN agency that coordinates the world’s carbon reduction efforts. So yay! We might save the planet and have fewer drowned polar bears, eventually. Read more on Oh Hey, The White House To Do Something On Climate Change! Tyranny, Etc., Impeach!…
  From The Latest Newsreels

Tom Cotton Dedicates First Senate Speech To Hitler

Any resemblances to an actual 9-year-old boy purely coincidental
Brand new Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has been a busy boy! After the rousing success of his dumb letter advising Iran that it shouldn’t bother negotiating a nuclear deal because President Ted Cruz is going to bomb them anyway, Sen. Cotton finally got to give his First Official Speech to the Senate Monday night. And in what appears to be a Republican tradition, he warned that it is the mid-1930s and America is woefully unprepared to fight Hitler. It was an especially impressive performance, since he actually managed to get the Hitler analogy into the speech within the first minute, which is believed to be a new record for a freshman senator (John McCain still holds the overall record, having shouted “It’s just like Chamberlain at Munich!” when awakened from a nap in 2013). Read more on Tom Cotton Dedicates First Senate Speech To Hitler…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week’s Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin’s back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin’s wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama’s foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House…
  Here have some news n stuff

Idiot Anti-Vaxxers Can’t Believe People Are So ‘Vicious’ About Them Being Idiots

Jut vaccinate your damned kids
Like it’s not bad enough that some trendy dumb parents are refusing to vaccinate their children, and helping to make all-but-extinct diseases like measles ALL THE RAGE. Because yeah, that’s bad enough. But now they’re complaining people who actually believe in science are being SO MEAN about it: Read more on Idiot Anti-Vaxxers Can’t Believe People Are So ‘Vicious’ About Them Being Idiots…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors

Sudo bring me a muffin.
It’s time for another Derp Roundup, the occasional feature where we pressure-wash all the crud off our open browser tabs and bring you some stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. Please administer brain bleach with caution. Read more on Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors…
  Accuracy In Slut Shaming

Anti-Abortion Lady Does Math Proving Abortion Is Fake

Lesbian and/or baby-killer
So Thursday on the Twittersphere, some pro-choice ladies had a big internet event, telling their own stories of having had abortions, with the goal of reducing the stigma of talking about a legal medical procedure that one in three women have had. The 1 in 3 Campaign featured a hundred people telling their stories and tweeting about them. Read more on Anti-Abortion Lady Does Math Proving Abortion Is Fake…
  It's Like Sophie's Choice Met Dumb And Dumber

Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian

Why Not the Pest?
In what is undoubtedly the YOOGEST news since the last time Donald Trump said anything, Donald Trump hinted today on Fox & Friends that the situation in Washington has become so intolerable, what with the fraud and the lying and the dishonesty and the Obamacare that just doesn’t work and is based on a lie because a guy said so on video, that he, Donald Trump, just might have to become president to fix it. No, really, this time he means it: He is genuinely thinking that he should be President. Maybe not that he will actually run, because that is work, but he’s very happy to pretend that he faces some kind of Sophie’s Choice about doing weekly Fox & Friends visits or making a serious bid for office. Read more on Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian…
  Another liberal conspiracy

United States And China Agree To Keep Pushing ‘Climate Change’ Hoax

(Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)
Official White House Photo by Pete Souza Great news for those greedy climate change “scientists.” The leaders of Communist China and even-more-Communist America have agreed to agree that their two nations, as the leading polluters of this one planet we have here, should maybe try to do something about that. Read more on United States And China Agree To Keep Pushing ‘Climate Change’ Hoax…
  Your Morning Maddow

There’s A Secret Train Station Under The Waldorf-Astoria, And Rachel Maddow Loves It (Video)

Delighted Rachel Is Delighted
Rachel Maddow loves this story so much she can hardly stand it. Just before the Crash of 1929, a “last bit of Gilded Age Amazement” was announced in the New York Times: The then-new Waldorf-Astoria hotel would include its very own underground rail siding, where the filthy rich could arrive in their private railroad cars and be escorted directly to a special elevator to their suites. Read more on There’s A Secret Train Station Under The Waldorf-Astoria, And Rachel Maddow Loves It (Video)…
  From China With Love

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets

CRUSH
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (seen here crushing the testicles of an invisible immigrant) allegedly, we said allegedly, failed to report an alleged Chinese spy who infiltrated the Arizona Counter Terrorism [sic; seriously, Arizona, buy an AP style book] Information Center. That’s according to ProPublica and the Center for Investigative Reporting, but we heard about this through The Verge, so they get the linky. Grab a fresh cup of coffee, because this story gets deep in a hurry. Read more on Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets…
  lies damned lies and a beka book

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People

Better fire up your modems and log into your AOL account (or Prodigy for you hipsters). Time for another look at the ruinous near-decade of prosperity under Bill Clinton, as refracted through the Truthiness Lens of rightwing Christian textbooks. This week, foreign affairs! (And next week, we’ll get to the other kind.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People…
  america's nightmare of peace and prosperity

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain

Pop quiz time! (If you need to review last week’s lesson, you may.) Here is an actual review question from our 8th-grade American History textbook from Christian publisher A Beka, America: Land I Love (2006): “What Communist leader toured America in 1990?” Now, you filthy liberals may think the correct answer would be Mikhail Gorbachev, or possibly if you’re a big trivia buff, Jiang Zemin, but you would be wrong. Obviously, the huge commie they’re talking about is Nelson Mandela. And that’s why we love these textbooks. Their idea of what needs to be emphasized always manages to surprise us. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain…
  this digression will not stand man

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Do Not Like Broccoli

After a million weeks on Ronald Reagan, the Greatest President Ever, our survey of a couple of rightwing Christian textbooks will devote about 1500 words to his successor, George Herbert Walker Kennebunkport Milli Vanilli Bush, the 41st President and only the second-worst President named “George Bush.” And Happy Father’s Day to a very middling president whose son managed to make him look like a freakin’ statesman. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Do Not Like Broccoli…
  law and ordure

Arizona Tea Party Lady Shocked By Parallels Between Bundy Ranch, Tiananmen Square

Today’s winner of the “At Least You Didn’t Say Hitler” award goes to Arizona state Rep. Kelly Townsend, who said she was shocked to see video of police using a stun gun on one of the sons of Hero Nevada Scofflaw Cliven Bundy. How upsetting was the video, exactly? “Watching that video last night created a visceral reaction in me,” Townsend told the Las Vegas Review-Journal. “It sounds dramatic, but it reminded me of Tiananmen Square. I don’t recognize my country at this point.” She apparently doesn’t recognize China, either, where in 1989 People’s Liberation Army troops killed hundreds of peaceful protestors, possibly upwards of 1,000, depending on whose estimates you use. But apart from that, yes, the stunning of one guy and the seizure of a couple hundred cattle is almost exactly the same. Once again, however, we do wish to congratulate Ms. Townsend on not comparing the action to the Nazis. Read more on Arizona Tea Party Lady Shocked By Parallels Between Bundy Ranch, Tiananmen Square…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Betrays America (Again), Plays Ping-Pong Like A Goddamned Communist

How is Michelle Obama, Kenyan impostoress and supposed “First Lady” of the United States of Murka, betraying our glorious nation today? Did you answer “breathing”? Well YOU ARE WRONG SIR. No, today she is betraying us, her “co-citizens” (yeah right), by playing ping-pong in China and also answering a question from a Chinese student about study-abroad programs, and how kids should try to see the world and engage other cultures if at all feasible. Thanks a lot, MRS. STALIN J. MAO. Read more on Michelle Obama Betrays America (Again), Plays Ping-Pong Like A Goddamned Communist…