Tag Archives: children’s treasuries

  Hide Your Kids Hide Your Wife

Let’s Get Drunk On Republican Obamacare Tears, Together!

That's it, moving to Canada.
Ehrmagerd, the Surperm Curt upheard Abummacurr! This was not met on the right with universal approbation, although many Republicans were quietly breathing a sigh of relief that they won’t have to reveal that their ready-to-implement fix was really just a copy of the 1996 Houston Yellow Pages that they’d been lugging around in a briefcase. Read more on Let’s Get Drunk On Republican Obamacare Tears, Together!…
  peace: what is it good for?

A Children’s Treasury Of Bitching About Obama’s Syria Speech

Between the 9/11 anniversary and Syria, there is just not a lot out there this morning, so let’s grit our teeth and shovel through some of the pundit-leavings on Barry’s big Syria speech together, shall we? Let’s start with Peggy Noonan’s pre-speech analysis, in which she proclaims the prospect of Syria’s surrendering its chemical weapons “absurd” and decides that Barack Obama has already given up on a military strike on Syria, but “can’t acknowledge this or act as if it is true.” Therefore, all Obama can do is to play for time: Because with time, with a series of statements, negotiations, ultimatums, promises and proposals, the Syria crisis can pass. It can dissipate into the air, like gas. The president will keep the possibility of force on the table, but really he’s lunging for a lifeline he was lucky to be thrown. We aren’t even sure if Dame Peggy thinks Obama should have been a lot tougher with Syria or if he should have just minded his own beeswax; she is absolutely certain, however, that he has bungled this perfectly manageable situation, “in part because this White House is full of people who know nothing—really nothing—about history. They’ve only seen movies.” And they are not the movies that play nightly in Peggy Noonan’s head, in which Ronald Reagan wears a white horse and stares down bad guys with his nuclear six-shooter. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Bitching About Obama’s Syria Speech…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup

Welcome to a special Labor Day edition of picked-up pieces, a baggy collection of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that we couldn’t quite manage a full post on. Or just didn’t wanna. At the top of the list, Tucker Carlson snoozing on the set of Fox & Friends, because there’s really not much more to say about it, other than “Hey, look at this professional teevee idjit sleeping on a couch!” Carlson’s thoughts on the matter were limited to “Is this honestly live?” and “I was having these happy thoughts and I dozed off … Is this honestly on TV?” There’s probably a metaphor here, we think.  Stay in school, kids. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: So Much Crazy, So Little Time

Somehow, the end of the week brought us a flurry of stories that are all special wonderful snowflakes of stoopid, and while they’re all worthy of pointing and laughing at, we just can’t devote an entire post to each of them. After all, we have a full day of coddling radical Islam to get to! And so, here’s a collection of shorts. If this format proves popular, we may make it a semi-regular thing, giving everyone a chance to get into Wonkette’s shorts. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: So Much Crazy, So Little Time…
  a children's treasury of butthurt

Conservatives Take Gay Marriage Rulings In Stride, Just Kidding

Poor Bryan Fischer! The spokesman for the American Patriarchy Association has a MAJOR sad today, and he has lots of company following the Supreme Court’s decision overturning DOMA. It would appear that actually treating all marriages as equal in the eyes of the law means the end of America, which would make today roughly the 743rd time America has ended since 2008. We also see that Justice Anthony Kennedy has usurped Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s appointed role as tyrant king, which has got to be pretty disappointing for the Kenyan Impostor. And we really like that phrase “sodomy-based marriage,” which we’ll start using just as soon as Bryan Fischer starts referring to himself as a proponent of “penis-in-vagina marriage.” Read more on Conservatives Take Gay Marriage Rulings In Stride, Just Kidding…
  the war on the war on terror

A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention

The New York Times posted an op-ed online Sunday night that’s jarring not only because of its content but because of its very existence: It’s a column from a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay that explains how degrading and painful it is to be force fed while trying to hold a hunger strike to protest his eternal imprisonment for not doing a bad thing, whatever the bad thing was, because he has never been charged with anything. When Alice Paul does it in Occoquan, we give her a halo and put her in a Hilary Swank movie. When scary Muslim strangers do it, we say, “Welp, his fault for looking like a terrorist.” And by “we” your Wonkette means the fart goblins who have taken to the New York Times comment section on the column to whine about how this man deserves to rot forever, for the crime of being sent to Guantanamo Bay. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention…
  turgid ted's turbid turds

A Children’s Treasury Of Nugentian SOTU Antics

That gentleman in the bluejeans up there, leaning uncomfortably into the aisle at the State of the Union address is one Ted Nugent, whose reputation preceded him. Seated next to him, at the invitation of Oregon Rep. Earl Blumenauer, is another musician, Pink Martini’s Thomas Lauderdale, from Portland. Besides performing hip retro lounge music, Lauderdale is also, as Gawker puts it, “the anti-Ted Nugent: A liberal, Occupy-Movement-supporting, openly gay civil rights activist who favors gun control and loves classical music.” While Gawker attributes the seating arrangement to trolling, we didn’t see any confirmation that it was anything other than a fine karmic coincidence. In any case, Lauderdale said they had a pleasant conversation while waiting for the event, and thought Mr. Nugent was a “real gentleman.” We are pleased to report that Nugent more or less behaved himself, although a tweet from Dave Weigel noted that the super-patriot did not even “stand and clap for ‘our brave men and women in uniform are coming home.'” But can you blame him? If we were the Secret Service, we’d have warned him against making any sudden movements. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Nugentian SOTU Antics…
  A Potpourri of Popery

‘Leftists’ Say Mean Things About Saintly Pope: A Children’s Treasury Of Instant Butthurt

So, as you know, the Pope went all Brave Sir Robin today, but apparently it is very, very uncivil to make jokes about The Impressive Clergyman, or to mention that the institution he has led since 2005 has had a bit of a problem with kiddy-diddling priests. Almost as soon as the news was announced, there was a second wave of blog posts decrying the mean, terrible, awful things that “leftists” were saying about the Pope, because leftists and secularists are monsters. Our working theory is that, since it’s been 600 years since a Pope departed St. Peter’s any other way than feet-first, then saying unkind things about a man in a dress quitting his job is exactly as offensive as mocking the dead. So, please, people, a little respect — Ratzi isn’t even in the ground yet! (And it will be awfully hard for them to dig the grave if too many of us have already pissed on the spot.) Read more on ‘Leftists’ Say Mean Things About Saintly Pope: A Children’s Treasury Of Instant Butthurt…
  Wonkette: 20% Nicer Today!

A Children’s Treasury Of Old Handsome Joe Biden Inauguration-Day Greatness, God Love Him

Here is a photo of Joe Biden getting out of his limousine, looking like a Boss (in point of fact, he is only the boss of the Senate). Sunglasses are a very good look for the VP, whose official Wonkette title is now Old Handsome Joe Biden, God Love Him. (By the end of his second term, Mr. Biden’s official Wonkette sobriquet will probably be as long as that of some WWII German rocket-launching tank thing.) And so, with minimal extraneous commentary, here is your gallery of Joe Biden Being Just So Freakin’ Joe Biden. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Old Handsome Joe Biden Inauguration-Day Greatness, God Love Him…
  Odds And Ends...Of America!

A Children’s Treasury Of Inauguration-Day Stupids

So we hear that there was some sort of widely-watched event today that did not involve sports! Above, we have Tweetosphere messages from three people who seem not to understand that everyone can see them saying stuff, and that retweets can be directed to @SecretService (as all of these were, for whatever good it does). Or maybe we could talk about the professional trolls at Fox & Friends, who discovered that today, the third Monday in January, is thought by some to be “the most depressing day of the year,” a story that we are certain has absolutely nothing to do with it also being Barack Obama’s second Inaugural. Really, they don’t say there’s a connection! It is too a legitimate news story, so they brought on a motivational speaker to help Fox viewers cheer the fuck up: Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Inauguration-Day Stupids…
  Whine and Jesus Party

A Children’s Treasury of Random Wingnut Post-Election Butthurt (Part Douche)

As we have already pretty much established, America is Over Now, so all that’s left is just sitting around and waiting for the last few remaining embers of Freedom to burn out. If we’re really lucky, the Ancient Mayans or Space Jebus will just smash the Earth and be done with it. So let us see what further Elevated Whining there is to review. To start with, there’s Orson Scott Card, the Mormon propagandist / anti-ghey crusader / science fiction writer who wrote one pretty good novel (OK, and his early stories were often quite nice, too) but has of late declined into a sad, right-wing parody of himself. He has discovered the truly perfidious villains responsible for the reelection of Barack Hussein Obama. You will be astonished to know that it’s all the fault of the Liberal Media! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Random Wingnut Post-Election Butthurt (Part Douche)…
  Whinge Nuts

A Children’s Treasury Of Random Wingnut Post-Election Whining (Part 1 of ???)

Do you people have any idea how hard it is to sift through all the insane rightwing mutterings about the reelection of Barack Obama so that we can bring you the very best? Neither do we! It all starts looking the same after about five minutes! And so, this collection of freakouts will, of necessity, be something of a sampler plate from the great smorgasbord that is the Great 2012 Wingnut Butthurtosphere. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Random Wingnut Post-Election Whining (Part 1 of ???)…
  sad that gore vidal missed this

A Children’s Treasury of America’s Pilgrimage to Chick-Fil-A

It is here, finally: Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, the brainchild of weekend cable television host Mike Huckabee and people who read his Facebook diaries. According to most reports, we’re seeing long fast food drive-thru lines across the nation, as Real Americans everywhere (but mostly in Real America) are rushing out of their homes to stick it to the queers and eat chicken sandwiches. Never before has the Obamacare individual mandate seemed so necessary. Let’s take a tour of some photos on the Twitter, of fast food lines. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of America’s Pilgrimage to Chick-Fil-A…
  Anger Porn

A Children’s Treasury Of Wingnut Remembrances Of Communist Traitor Andy Griffith, Who Burns In Hell

Happy Independence Day, U.S. Americans! Iconic actor Andy Griffith, who played Iconic Sheriff Andy “Lonesome Rhodes” Matlock on the Iconic Teevee, died July 3 at the age of 86, and Wingnut America honored his memory with an outpouring of patriotic fervor, remembering how the late actor embodied decent small-town values, common-sense parenting, and destroying America by supporting the Illegal Alien Marxist Usurper Barry “Goober” Soetero. While most blog posts on Griffith’s death merely noted that he appeared in a Ron Howard ad for Barack Obama in 2008 (he was onscreen for about 46 seconds) and released a 32-second PSA in support of the Affordable Care Act in 2010, the commenters made certain to put those particular 78 seconds of screen time, out of a 59-year career, into their proper perspective. From The Blaze: Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Wingnut Remembrances Of Communist Traitor Andy Griffith, Who Burns In Hell…
  your rage is like the finest wine to me

A Children’s Treasury Of Wingnut Obamacare Freakouts

This is the greatest destruction of individual liberty since Dred Scott. This is the end of America as we know it. No exaggeration. — benshapiro (@benshapiro) June 28, 2012 It’s really kind of sad that Breitbart editor Ben Shapiro put up this tweet mere minutes after the ultra-conservative Supreme Court approved socialist healthcare in America forever, because it’s like he didn’t even try to let other people post their own insanely hyperbolic screed before writing the Platonic ideal of one. You know how it’s kind of annoying that sportscasters and such use “literally” to mean not “literally” but “I am using figurative language but very, very strongly”? Well, Ben Shapiro has established new heights that make misuse of “literally” literally look like prose that Strunk & White’s ghosts would masturbate to. From now on, every paragraph about anything you don’t like ends in “This is the end of America as we know it. No exaggeration.” But other people were ludicrous too, so let’s look at what they had to say. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Wingnut Obamacare Freakouts…
  cpacalypse

A Children’s Treasury of CPAC Junk & Tchochkes

Day one at CPAC is over! Your Wonkette has already waited in line with Mark Block, the famous cigarette smoker, sat in a lounge near Pam Geller, and not had Internet access for hours at a time. Will you ever see this post, dear readers? Let’s hope for a lil’ CPAC internet connection magick. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of CPAC Junk & Tchochkes…