The biggest news story in the world is, of course, about some little ‘tween girl from Disney TeeVee who was forced to pose for naked photographs by an old lesbian photographer for Vanity Fair. This is very shameful, how Conde Nast let its magazine be used for half-nekkid pictures of an entertainer who is a girl child. The little girl only made $100 million dollars for having to be the star of Hannah Montana, which is the story of “Achey Breaky Heart” sensation Billy Ray Cyrus and his secret daughter who wants to be on teevee. The question is, which presidential candidate was more of a lech to the innocent little child, Obama or McCain? MORE »

Here is John McCain, dressed in a Budweiser-NASCAR costume, with his $100-million-dollar wife, who owns Budweiser, and NASCAR hero and Iraq War promoter Dale Earnhardt (Junior), the president of the Confederacy. MORE »

At yesterday’s White House Easter frolic, one very important event went virtually unremarked. Two of the Bush gals read incantations from the ancient Book of Sen-Dak to lull an unsupecting group of smooth-fleshed little ‘uns into a coma. The children were quickly clubbed over the head and hauled back to Cheney’s lair for an “egg hunt.” Terrible photos after the jump. MORE »

Five million years ago yesterday, the Lord Jesus died for our sins and then came back to say howdy and then went away again. For this very special reason America’s First Lady is hosting an event at the White House, in which the children of the nation roll eggs down a hill and learn about ocean conservation. MORE »

You all knew that Barack Obama was in the pocket of slumlords and hope lobbyists. But did you know he also wants every child in America to have a sociopathic Elmo doll that chants incitements to murder? And that “some have even accused [Obama] of supporting infanticide”? It’s all true! We know it because somebody put it in the comments to a blog post. MORE »

David Pfahler, a 60 year old lawyer from Pennsylvania, had a little skiing accident last January in Vail. Pfahler collided with a 48-pound, 7 year-old boy and fell and went boom. He’s now suing the 8 year-old for $75,000 to cover his physical therapy, the “nursing services” provided by his wife and the cost of the vacation time he had to take to recover from his obviously severe injuries. This has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Pfahler is an insufferable weenie prick, or the extensive waivers that cover the ski resorts from being sued if you injure yourself engaging in a dangerous pastime or any stupid laws that allow people to sue for anything under the sun and win, nosireebob. That kid needs to learn a fucking lesson, people. [Boston.com]

Joel Stein has an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times today bemoaning the current state of Halloween, in which he laments the fact that the once kid-friendly Satanic festival has been ruinously besmirched by adults running around dressed as sexy nurses, libidinous witches, randy stewardesses, etc. etc. This year, of course, it’ll be even worse when every single party will be befouled by at least one toe-tapping, stall-bound senator. Blah, blah, blah, we hear this stuff every year, right? But then, unexpectedly, Stein comes up with the most wonderful idea! Why not save Halloween for the little bastards by creating a new holiday for adults: Slut Day! We’re listening. MORE »

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A petulant little girl tried to shame the President at a Cleveland Q&A on Tuesday. Jessica Hackerd, 13, had Bush right where she wanted him. Defeated and confused, Bush had just finished his rambling remarks when young Jessica pounced. She went right for his weak spot with a pointed question about the recently-defeated immigration bill, the final nail in the coffin of the President’s domestic legacy. MORE »

Tomas “The Tanc Engine” Tancredo is taking Iowa by storm as hicks across our nation’s second-boringest state thrill to his message of banning brown people once and for all. To help drum up the natives even more, “Tanc and Tonic” is holding an ol’ fashioned child exploitation contest. MORE »

* “At a Tuesday markup of the Taleshia Ford Memorial Amendment Act of 2007, the Committee on Public Works and the Environment voted to strike a section of the bill that would make it a crime for minors to buy alcohol at ABC-licensed establishments.” [WCP]
* Plagiarizing your way to the top isn’t so bad, comparatively. Can you think of anything to fix DC’s shitty schools? [WP]
* House advances Casino Plan recognition for Virginia Indian tribes. [WP]
* “It’s time for a revolution in this country, my friends. We set up a system whereby we’d pick a few people to make sure our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness was protected from foreign invaders and immoral peer-citizens. Our ancestors wanted simply to live in peace, pursuing their own brand of happiness. We’re to the point where, to the contrary, more than anything else outside of terrorism, the government itself — the very institution we set up to protect us — poses the largest threat to our way of life. It’s getting old. If you’ve walked out to your parked car & found a ticket for expired tags, take it in to your jurisdiction and fight to get your money back.” [Big Stupid Guy]
* Bill Richardson is a hilarious cowboy. [YouTube]