Wonkette

• THURSDAY FUN LINK: You’ve been waiting all morning! This week’s “Thursday Fun Link” was selected because we no longer can distinguish between “fun” and “brutal social/economic/political tales of terrible sadness.” Hooray! It’s about Nebraska’s “safe haven” law that lets people abandon their “out-of-control” children — up to 19 years old — at hospitals because they have no money or health care or access to psychiatric services and they have dead spouses OR because they’re lazy pieces of drunk shit. We’re looking forward to the Great New Depression, too! [NYT]

These kids fucking suck. [YouTube]

We’ve been getting a bunch of referrals to this Fake Texting Scandal post from the other day, randomly, and the absolute best mention is this Associated Content column by a gal named Carol Bengle Gilbert. It is called “Obama Text Message Fakes: Prank Reminiscent of 4th Grade.” Let’s look a little closer at Gilbert’s column, especially the parts in which she insults her young child and confesses to getting “angry at Word,” as in the basic computer program. MORE »

The political children, the children are idiots. Colorado Republican Senate candidate Bob Schaffer has a son, you see, and he is 19 years old and in trouble for putting funny images on his Facebook page, like one that shows a picture of the three pyramids in Egypt with the caption, “Slavery Gets Shit Done.” Well, it’s true, right? Do you think people owned other human beings so they could watch them flop around all day? He also has a bunch of pictures of Barack Obama as a Muslim. Well, it’s true, right? MORE »

Yesterday Wonkette brought you the EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE SEEN NOWHERE ELSE of Barack Obama’s 10- and 7-year-old daughters, Misha and Selma or whatever, being interviewed by some pretty Access Hollywood gal. This was a first, as Obama usually likes to hide his children in underground caves to shield them from THE SPINELESS INTERNET. Naturally, everyone made fun of these two children and, by the end of the day, were blaming them for starting the Iraq War and also capitulating on FISA. Nary an Internet Addict found the children, say, adorable. And that is why Barack Obama told adult-child Diane Sawyer on today’s Good Morning America that he’ll never put his children on teevee again. MORE »

The biggest news story in the world is, of course, about some little ‘tween girl from Disney TeeVee who was forced to pose for naked photographs by an old lesbian photographer for Vanity Fair. This is very shameful, how Conde Nast let its magazine be used for half-nekkid pictures of an entertainer who is a girl child. The little girl only made $100 million dollars for having to be the star of Hannah Montana, which is the story of “Achey Breaky Heart” sensation Billy Ray Cyrus and his secret daughter who wants to be on teevee. The question is, which presidential candidate was more of a lech to the innocent little child, Obama or McCain? MORE »

Here is John McCain, dressed in a Budweiser-NASCAR costume, with his $100-million-dollar wife, who owns Budweiser, and NASCAR hero and Iraq War promoter Dale Earnhardt (Junior), the president of the Confederacy. MORE »

At yesterday’s White House Easter frolic, one very important event went virtually unremarked. Two of the Bush gals read incantations from the ancient Book of Sen-Dak to lull an unsupecting group of smooth-fleshed little ‘uns into a coma. The children were quickly clubbed over the head and hauled back to Cheney’s lair for an “egg hunt.” Terrible photos after the jump. MORE »

Five million years ago yesterday, the Lord Jesus died for our sins and then came back to say howdy and then went away again. For this very special reason America’s First Lady is hosting an event at the White House, in which the children of the nation roll eggs down a hill and learn about ocean conservation. MORE »

You all knew that Barack Obama was in the pocket of slumlords and hope lobbyists. But did you know he also wants every child in America to have a sociopathic Elmo doll that chants incitements to murder? And that “some have even accused [Obama] of supporting infanticide”? It’s all true! We know it because somebody put it in the comments to a blog post. MORE »

David Pfahler, a 60 year old lawyer from Pennsylvania, had a little skiing accident last January in Vail. Pfahler collided with a 48-pound, 7 year-old boy and fell and went boom. He’s now suing the 8 year-old for $75,000 to cover his physical therapy, the “nursing services” provided by his wife and the cost of the vacation time he had to take to recover from his obviously severe injuries. This has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Pfahler is an insufferable weenie prick, or the extensive waivers that cover the ski resorts from being sued if you injure yourself engaging in a dangerous pastime or any stupid laws that allow people to sue for anything under the sun and win, nosireebob. That kid needs to learn a fucking lesson, people. [Boston.com]

Joel Stein has an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times today bemoaning the current state of Halloween, in which he laments the fact that the once kid-friendly Satanic festival has been ruinously besmirched by adults running around dressed as sexy nurses, libidinous witches, randy stewardesses, etc. etc. This year, of course, it’ll be even worse when every single party will be befouled by at least one toe-tapping, stall-bound senator. Blah, blah, blah, we hear this stuff every year, right? But then, unexpectedly, Stein comes up with the most wonderful idea! Why not save Halloween for the little bastards by creating a new holiday for adults: Slut Day! We’re listening. MORE »

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A petulant little girl tried to shame the President at a Cleveland Q&A on Tuesday. Jessica Hackerd, 13, had Bush right where she wanted him. Defeated and confused, Bush had just finished his rambling remarks when young Jessica pounced. She went right for his weak spot with a pointed question about the recently-defeated immigration bill, the final nail in the coffin of the President’s domestic legacy. MORE »