Tag Archives: children

 

Wingnut Kevin Swanson Warns About Girl Scout Lesbians, Because He Is A Weirdo

So arrogant!
If you read Wonk on the regular, you will recognize Kevin Swanson as the wingnut homeschool advocate Dok did a nice series of book reports on in his always lovely feature Sundays With The Christianists. Swanson is also pretty sure that the Disney feature film “Frozen” will turn your child into a gay witch. Know what else will turn your daughter into a gay witch, or at least a lesbian something or other? Thin mints and samoas, and all the other various Girl Scout cookies, your precious is going to be on an express train to Muff Town if you let her be a Girl Scout. Yes, this long, stupid segment, which echoes many of Kevin’s earlier segments, is predicated on “the Girl Scout issue”: Read more on Wingnut Kevin Swanson Warns About Girl Scout Lesbians, Because He Is A Weirdo…
  Pew pew pew!

Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies

Is the guy on the right also the guy in the middle, or do all gun-humpers look the same to Yr Wonket?
Orlando has long been a destination for theme-park enthusiasts, so if you’re planning to bring the kids to see Mickey and Minnie, be sure to swing by Machine Gun America, a brand-spankin’-new theme park that opens Saturday, Dec. 20. If you have to ask what kinds of fun things you can do at Machine Gun America, try saying the name out loud. Are you getting it yet? WTSP explains more. Read more on Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies…
  As Ye Have Done It Unto One Of The Least Of These

Congratulations, Deport-The-Kids Patriots! Kids Returned To Honduras, Killed.

Sorry about that. America's full, you see.
Some inspiring news for the deport-everyone-immediately crowd today: According to a Los Angeles Times report, “at least five, and as many as 10, of the 42 children” who have been killed in criminal violence in Honduras since February had been deported from the United States, according to the manager of a city morgue in San Pedro Sula. Not that anyone could have seen that coming, except for the human rights workers who warned that it was likely to happen. Read more on Congratulations, Deport-The-Kids Patriots! Kids Returned To Honduras, Killed….
  I Am Mad About A Thing

Rick Perry, President Of The United States Of Texas, Sending Troops To Fight Evil Brown Kids

Ugh, Rick Perry, you really are THE WORST. Texas Gov. Rick Perry plans to announce he will activate the Texas National Guard at a news conference Monday in Austin, said state Sen. Juan “Chuy” Hinojosa, D-McAllen. Hinojosa did not have details of the effort, but an internal memo from another state official’s office said the governor planned to call about 1,000 Texas National Guard troops to the Rio Grande Valley — at a cost of about $12 million per month. I can give you at least three good reasons why this is some seriously all kinds of Texas-sized bull feces. And I don’t even wear glasses. Read more on Rick Perry, President Of The United States Of Texas, Sending Troops To Fight Evil Brown Kids…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)

Jon Stewart took on the latest round of rightwing anti-immigrant panic Tuesday night, reminding us of that simple lesson that we all learned as children: “I was always taught by my parents to follow the Golden Rule: Whenever you see a kid in trouble, yell at them in a language they don’t understand.” Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)…
  how is scabies formed?

Louie Gohmert: Obama’s Luring Diseased Foreign Children To Sap Our Precious Bodily Fluids

In a House Judiciary Committee hearing Wednesday, Texas congresstroll Louie Gohmert worried that Barack Obama has thrown America’s doors wide, “luring” a bunch of filthy diseased foreign children to invade our once-proud land. You see, Louie recently went on a fact-finding trip to an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) facility in Texas, and he’s pretty sure he saw something nasty in the woodshed. Read more on Louie Gohmert: Obama’s Luring Diseased Foreign Children To Sap Our Precious Bodily Fluids…
  when better than nothing is the best you can do

New Bulletproof Blanket For The Kids Is Only 4/5ths As Terrible An Idea As It Sounds

A couple of Oklahomans who dare to dream big have figured out a way to protect children from school shootings and tornados, the perfect way to keep kids safe-ish, on the cheap-ish. Meet the Bodyguard Blanket from ProTecht, the brainchild of an Oklahoma podiatrist who knows that when it comes to Our Kids, half-measures are often just fine. If we can’t do anything to reduce the number of guns in circulation or build storm shelters in schools in tornado country, maybe we’d feel better if every child has a 5/16-inch pad made from “Dyneema, a high-density plastic used for ballistic armor that is lighter than Kevlar.” Problem solved! Or at least half-assed! Read more on New Bulletproof Blanket For The Kids Is Only 4/5ths As Terrible An Idea As It Sounds…
  you can haz cheeseburger

GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables

The kids are our future, so we should treasure them and take care of each individual precious snowflake child, each of whom is a gift from God or Allah or Spirit Pasta or whatever. But you know what? Skinny snowflakes suck. Don’t you like fat, enormous snowflakes? So do Republicans, which is why they continue to fight tooth and nail against any initiative to make our kids more healthy: A [House of Representatives] Appropriations subpanel approved language that would require the Agriculture Department to waive requirements to serve fruits, vegetables and low-sodium and low-fat foods for schools that can show their lunch programs are losing money. Read more on GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables…
  how do you say 'bootstraps' in spanish?

New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte Bravely Calls For Higher Taxes… On Poor Immigrants

Buenos dias, wonkeros and wonkiritas. Are you tired of reading/hearing/tweeting about #BRIDGEGHAZI yet? Isn’t there some other outrageous news from petulant rightwing asshats that we can carp about for a while? Well, glad you asked! New Hampshire Senator and Tea Party favorite Kelly Ayotte has set her sights on screwing immigrants across the country. No, not in a ‘Kelly Does Manchester’ sort of way, but in the economic sucker-punch sort of way. Because that whole ‘the GOP needs to outreach to people who aren’t rich, old, and white’ thing is for suckers. To help offset the costs for extending unemployment benefits for 1.3 million people, Ayotte wants to RAISE TAXES! But not on everyone – just on immigrant families “that earn an average of $21,000 a year.” Seriously, we really have no idea why Romney won only 27% of the Latino vote in 2012…  Read more on New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte Bravely Calls For Higher Taxes… On Poor Immigrants…
  and now for something completely similar

Phyllis Schlafly & ‘Obama’s Army Of Blacks’ Guy: Liberals Giving Your Kids To Teh Gheys As Sex Toys

You might think that by now, we were no longer capable of being surprised by Phyllis Schlafly and the merry band of rightwing loonies in her orbit. And for the most part, you’d be right — we’re no longer shocked by much of anything these twits say, because like Taco Bell, they’re in the business of putting together the same few components in infinitely varied combinations. Even so, we did at least raise an eyebrow* at the latest Fiery Doritos Mega-Beeflike Shitburrito Supreme from the Derp Brigade: On Tuesday, Schlafly chatted with minor-league radio bigot Stan Solomon, who fully expects that any moment now, the gummint is going to start declaring conservatives to be unfit parents, and will “take your children, whether they’re in the womb, or already born.” Schlafly agreed that so-called child protective service agencies should be called “the Gestapo,” and claimed that the bureaucrats all get a bonus every time they put children up for adoption on “some flimsy pretext.” Solomon concurred, adding that there are lots and lots of cases where gay adoptive parents have done sex to their adopted kids, and made child porn, “and the media won’t even talk about it.” Read more on Phyllis Schlafly & ‘Obama’s Army Of Blacks’ Guy: Liberals Giving Your Kids To Teh Gheys As Sex Toys…
  When Life Gives you Lemons Burn Life's House Down

Sarah Palin Doubts Barack Obama Has Ever Pulled Lemonade Out Of His Bootstraps

On her FaceSpace page yesterday, Sarah Palin posted this photo of her son and nephew from about 15 years ago, gettin’ all mavericky and free-enterprisey one summer. She had this note: When life gives you lemons, at this point make margaritas. Caving on debt could drive one to drink. This photo of my son and nephew ran in our local newspaper about 15 years ago. I’m betting dollars to doughnuts our president skipped this universal childhood lesson in Economics 101, and perhaps that explains his problem understanding the tragedy to befall us as America drowns in debt. Running a lemonade stand teaches you to progress by the sweat of your brow and live within your means. It taught these boys that it was unacceptable and self-defeating to keep coming back to mama for more money for ingredients needed to concoct a product to sell to the public. Gosh that’s wise! And there’s no way that Barack Obama ever ran a lemonade stand, seeing as how he is Not Really American — he probably had a Roast Dog stand, haw-haw! Also, too, what’s that you’re saying about the economic lessons of lemonade stands? Read more on Sarah Palin Doubts Barack Obama Has Ever Pulled Lemonade Out Of His Bootstraps…
  a really sincere cultural think piece

Science: Jerks Don’t Understand Sarcasm, Explaining 95 Percent Of Our Letters To The Editor

Everyone would like to think that the ability to get irony and sarcasm has something to do with being smart — it just makes sense, after all, that picking up on the subtle cues that a statement isn’t meant to be taken at face value has something to do with intelligence, or discernment, or something like that. And god knows when we don’t pick up on a sarcastic remark, we definitely feel dumb. While we suspect that there’s probably something to that, some recent research published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests that, in children at least, the ability to understand irony and sarcasm appears to be related to the child’s ability to empathize with others. Read more on Science: Jerks Don’t Understand Sarcasm, Explaining 95 Percent Of Our Letters To The Editor…
  movin' on up

Tennessee To Stop Feeding Its Dumb Kids

This thing — to motivate the lazy Poors to become better parents, Stacey Campfield (R-HardKnoxville) has introduced a bill that would cut Temporary Assistance to Needy Families benefits by up to 30% if children fail to make “satisfactory academic progress” Read more on Tennessee To Stop Feeding Its Dumb Kids…
  World Net Daily After School Special

Dennis Prager Urges Kids To Take Up Tobacco In Place Of Their Marijuana Cigarettes

Marijuana! The magical plant that is both directly responsible for over 85% of the original content found in the blogosphere and happens to be the root of all evil. Previous generations of Americans obtained their pot by growing it in their closets or buying gasoline-infused ditch weed from their sketchy cousin posted up in the 7-11 parking lot, and both options have been incredibly stimulative for America’s thriving prison industrial complex. However, now some states are actively experimenting with full fledged legalization, or at least a distributive model based on a user’s medical necessity (e.g. combating PTSD induced by reading right wing blogs all day). Most of the country either enthusiastically endorses this movement or offers a hearty “meh.” But those people are dirty satan-worshiping hippies who also probably support equally detestable ideas like gay marriage or universal background checks on gun purchases. Luckily there is still a person speaking for real America, where “getting high” is limited to giving money to the 700 Club (or crystal meth), and that voice is ready to warn us all of how liburlz are getting ready to herd us all into FEMA Dispensaries of doom. Read more on Dennis Prager Urges Kids To Take Up Tobacco In Place Of Their Marijuana Cigarettes…
  is our children learning?

Drudge Siren! Turns Out A Bunch of Youtube Videos Are Not The Same As College

Perhaps you have heard of the latest trend in education, wherein a professor at Stanford or whatever makes a bunch of Youtube videos, puts together some handouts, and puts it all on the web at a site called Coursera, which has dozens of “free” online classes offered by professors from Harvard, MIT, Princeton, UCLA, and other fancy places like that. We have put “free” in sarcasm-quotes because the instructor is not getting paid any money to make these videos and we’re not sure who owns the content once it is posted online. We suspect it is therefore only “free” because instructors are being pressured into working for free, which concerns us. Anyway, this is the latest trend in education: putting a bunch of videos on the web and calling it a “class” from which tens of thousands of students can earn a “certificate” or even “credit.” Would it shock you to learn that such an experience doesn’t result in the same outcome as, say, attending an actual class? Read more on Drudge Siren! Turns Out A Bunch of Youtube Videos Are Not The Same As College…
  hey hey nra how many students did you accidentally shoot today

Missouri Bill About Gun Instruction For First Graders Only Half As Awful As It Sounds

It seemed like this thing was gonna be a gimme: Missouri Republican introduces legislation putting an NRA instructor in every first-grade classroom. Start ‘em young, Missouri, just like God and the NRA intended! But then we actually read like a whole paragraph about it, and the thrust is the NRA instructor will actually teach the children to step away and tell an adult when they find an unsecured gun! THAT IS A GOOD IDEA! THEY SHOULD DO THAT. Now let us step into Imagination Nation and see how that might unfold! Read more on Missouri Bill About Gun Instruction For First Graders Only Half As Awful As It Sounds…
  silver linings

Breaking: More Than 79 Million Children Come Home From School

In an incredible stroke of almost unanimous nationwide good luck, students of 67,139 of the country’s 67,140 elementary schools got to go home after school today, to their parents, or guardians, or whoever is in charge of them, and they didn’t really have a bad time when they got there. They may have been hungry, and there is a 19 percent chance they are in poverty, but children in every single state in the union got to go home today. Read more on Breaking: More Than 79 Million Children Come Home From School…
  gross

Judicial Watch Founder/Clinton Nemesis Larry Klayman Might Have Touched His Children In Their Swimsuit Areas

Well this is gross and awful. Larry Klayman, who made his bones with Judicial Watch, which was constantly suing Bill Clinton every time he sneezed (with his penis), and who most recently has been writing for WND and representing totally rad heavy metal children’s entertainer Bradlee Dean, may have sexually abused his own children! Ha? Ha? Hilarious? Read more on Judicial Watch Founder/Clinton Nemesis Larry Klayman Might Have Touched His Children In Their Swimsuit Areas…
  traitor

Famous 13-Year-Old Conservative Hero Now 17, Not Conservative

We all remember where we were on Feburary 27, 2009 when 13-year-old Jonathan Krohn addressed the throngs of CPACers, spitting the hot fires of oppression and demanding the instant restoration of the Old Guard. Where were you? Your Wonkette, for one, was typing a blog post about his CPAC speech. It was clear that young Jonathan would have a lifetime supply of wingnut welfare cash to support him and his eventual horribly dysfunctional conservative family. By 2011, he’d already released a book — a “remarkably earnest and impeccably reasoned primer” on “Conservative philosophy’s basic tenets” that somehow managed to exceed two pages in length. What a future! But now, as Politico reports, Jonathan Krohn is a much wiser man of 17 years and basically despises conservatism. Read more on Famous 13-Year-Old Conservative Hero Now 17, Not Conservative…
  wonkette law skool

Supreme Court Wusses Out On Sending Kids To Jail For Life, And More

The big decision we’ve all been waiting for is finally in: “The Supreme Court ruled Monday that it is unconstitutional for states to require juveniles convicted of murder to be sentenced to life in prison without possibility of parole.” DOWN WITH THE COURT. Then what’s the point of waking up in the morning, now? “Monday’s decision left open the possibility that judges could sentence juveniles to life without parole in individual cases of murder, but said state laws cannot automatically impose such a sentence.” So they’re saying there’s a chance. Phew. Other non-Obamacare law stuff that our nine gods wasted their time on today include (a) money and (b) Mexicans, in Arizona. Read more on Supreme Court Wusses Out On Sending Kids To Jail For Life, And More…
  the childrennnnn

Scott Walker: Think of the Children We Could Save With This Recall Money

Alleged Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker went on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” Monday morning to talk about the valiant effort to get him recalled, and being a Republican, decided to try to make us feel guilty about our finances, saying that if it weren’t for the Wisconsin taxpaying people’s efforts to overthrow him, the money that’s being used to overthrow him could be spent on children and old people. Huh. Nope, not interested. Walker also said that the reason he is such an awful governor is because he’s been “distracted” by attempts to get him removed from the position. Read more on Scott Walker: Think of the Children We Could Save With This Recall Money…