Wonkette

Because of the damn terrorists, hobos will now have to take off the roaster chickens they use as footwear before boarding planes. In the Chicago area last Friday, a “motorist” noticed a whole roaster chicken, presumably on the road, stuffed not with innards or stuffing or golden trinkets, but with an IED, to blow up America. The bomb was defused by Authorities, and it’s a damn good thing — apparently that was one of those “unfriendly” bombs that hurts people: “Police Capt. Matthew Catania would not describe the bomb, but said it was ‘capable of causing harm to a person.’” Do not eat Roaster Chickens, ever. [Chicago Sun-Times]

The jury reached a verdict in the corruption trial of Chicago “slum landlord” Tony Rezko, the sleazy best friend of Barack Obama. Rezko was a prominent fundraiser for Obama back in the day, and even helped him buy his Hope Mansion in Chicago, and then they started dating, but Obama was too careerist commit to a gay relationship on the side. And that’s a good thing, because Tony won’t be around for trysts no mo’! He was convicted of “12 counts of wire and mail fraud, two counts of money laundering and two counts of aiding and abetting bribery.” But what’s the worst the judge could throw at him for such petty misdemeanors? Oh: “300 years in prison.” So what? Obama will pardon him in January, 2017, because why not? [Chicago Tribune]

Ruh roh, it appears they don’t only have crazy black preachers at Barack Obama’s church! Here is a crazy white preacher (first in history!), Michael Pfleger, guest-preaching at Trinity recently. He’s NUTS! Look at what he says about Hillary, ha ha: “When Hillary was crying, and people said that was put on, I really don’t believe it was put on… I really believe that she just always thought, ‘This is mine! I’m Bill’s wife, I’m white, and this is mine! I just gotta get up and step into the plate.’ And then out of nowhere came, ‘Hey, I’m Barack Obama,’ and she said, ‘Oh, damn! Where did you come from? I’m white! I’m entitled! There’s a black man stealing my show!’” Pfleger is such a fake whitey that he preaches at his OWN black church in Chicago, because there are several! The point: why is Barack Obama saying these things? [ABC News, YouTube]

The frustrating 2008 Democratic primary season has been made even more insufferable by the Obama campaign staff’s refusal to talk smack about any of their coworkers. This leaves a bitter press corps with no fun tidbits to write about, which is why it’s still good that Hillary Clinton is in the race. Basically, Barack Obama is like the George Bush of 2000, commanding a team of eerily happy and loyal drones who will all become torture-loving yes-men once they seize the reins of power. The secrets to Barack’s success, after the jump. MORE »

When most people hear “Barack Obama’s neighbor,” they probably think of slumlord Tony Rezko, whose wife sold the Obamas a patch of dirt once. But it turns out that the Obamas’ Chicago home sits across the street from a synagogue where the presidential candidate’s Secret Service detail occasionally uses the head! Hear what the kindly rabbi neighbor has to say about Our Barry after the jump. MORE »

The “corruption trial” for everyone’s favorite Chicago real estate developer, Tony “Slum Landlord” Rezko, began jury selection this morning. The verdict has somehow already been released, and Barack Obama is guilty of knowing him! Wait, what? No, the trial will go on forever — Patrick Fitzgerald is the prosecutor, and that guy takes his time. But according to “Chicago lawyers,” Barack Obama could very well have to testify, as a defense witness. MORE »

Is Barack Obama little more than a self-serving, angry wench, just like Hillary Clinton? A reporter who covered Obama for a small Chicago paper during his state senate career writes in a new feature for the Houston Press that “vanilla” Obama’s ambition during those days may have led to some… back room deals? Ignoring his black constituents and their black issues? Yelling at reporters, who then go on to write negative first-person tell-alls for the Houston Press during his presidential campaign? Barack Obama has the dirtiest record of any politician except John McCain. MORE »

At a voting precinct in Chicago yesterday, a vote-scanning machine rejected 20 paper ballots that voters had used “magic” invisible ink pens to fill out. Now don’t go shouting DIEBOLD just yet — these ballots were rejected because there is no such thing as a magic invisible ink pen to be used on paper ballots. The pen was just a stylus for touch-screen voting machines, and everyone in that precinct is a retard. MORE »

OMG IT’S THE MOST FANTASTIC BABY ON THE PLANET EVER! This daughter of Wonkette operative Sam Shepard has voted for Barack Obama at Skokie Community Center on the Northwest Side of Chicago, which is near the SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO, Barry’s home turf. Hooray for the young vote!

Chicago’s “Slum Landlord to the Stars,” Tony Rezko, was arrested for some “slum landlord” crime on Monday. Although Barack Obama, his ol’ pal from the community organizing days in the South Side, had claimed to not *really* have any interaction with this guy, he is now taking $150,000+ in Rezko-tainted donations and giving them to Charity, and this is a Hopeful Change. Chris Matthews and various Obamatards around the world will likely blame this on Hillary Clinton, because that’s what they do when their own candidate has fucked up. [Chicago Sun-Times]