A wise man once said, “Do not watch television. It will only make you sad and empty.” And here is proof: 20 agonizing minutes of Chris Matthews shouting at Roland Burris, who tries to explain why that stuff he said on that FBI wiretap doesn’t prove that he was involved in any tomfoolery with Rod Blagojevich to snag his Senate appointment. It just kind of goes on and on in that fashion and just when you think it will end Matthews says, “OK Senator I like you, I think you’re a good guy, I’m going to give you one more chance to explain yourself” and that’s when you know you’re in for another eternity of torture. Why couldn’t Roland Burris have gotten involved in something fun and interesting, like a hooker scandal? [MSNBC]

Ha ha remember this little flapperoo last week? The Washington Times’ secret Korean Jesus Picture Robot auto-selected a terrible wire photo for the newspaper’s story about young children dying, in Chicago. Call it a “WTF Moment,” in the parlance of our times. And perhaps because of this, and other flaps (constant lies, or at least a reputation for!), mean editor John Solomon will now be instituting PERMANENT RECORDS and DETENTION forever. MORE »

Ha ha ha, everyone gets a good laugh when newspaper design people make weird placement choices. Look at the Washington Times here: its website shows a photo of the Obama kids — probably the click-thru is a story about how cute they are! — right above a different article about Chicago children being murdered all the time. WACKY! It looks like the girls’ photo goes with the death story! Good thing that’s not the case at all! MORE »

The store Walgreens has PULLED this insane Barack Obama Chia Pet from its shelves, and now 200,000 of them are simply sitting in a warehouse. Apparently customers complained that the beige Obama head with green hair was RACIST against black people and junk. At least that’s what this article is implying? Or maybe the complainers were Oompa Loompas, although it is generally assumed that the military gassed them into extinction sometime in the ’80s. [CBS2]

• OH AND HERE’S SOME ACTUAL NEWS: “Blagojevich, 52, was indicted on 16 felony counts, including racketeering conspiracy, wire fraud, extortion conspiracy, attempted extortion and making false statements to federal agents. He allegedly abused his office in numerous matters to seek money, campaign contributions, and employment for himself and others, in exchange for official actions, including trying to leverage his authority to appoint a United States senator, U.S. Attorney Patrick J. Fitzgerald said in a statement.” Patrick Fitzgerald is the fucking angel of death (but also racist for doing this to important Civil Rights leader Gandhi Blagojevich). [CBS 2 Chicago]

Rod Blagojevich, you are a hero — you are still giving to us, in the form of comic material, months after you’ve been removed from the Illinois governor’s office. (Not that you ever actually went to the Illinois governor’s office, but you know what we mean, you fuckin’ guy.) And today, a new scheme, or at least new details on an old scheme: the bankrupt media operation Tribune Co. was riding Blago hard to get Illinois to buy Wrigley Field from Tribune. And when current Tribune owner-weirdo Sam Zell and Blago discussed the scam, they referred to it as “Project Elwood.” MORE »

Ha ha ha we called it dudes, a month ago! Rod Blagojevich will be on the radio tomorrow, filling in at Chicago’s WLS-AM from 7-9 in the morning. MORE »

Who exorcist-puked in the White House fountain? Maybe nobody! Chicago street organizer Michelle Obama “ordered” the pretty fountain to be ruined in this gross way, because this is how Chicago people “celebrate” the Irish Plague, “Saint Patrick’s Day,” which is apparently today. SPECIAL CONTEST MISSION: Go take a comical picture of this, use props, make dumb faces, whatever, and send it to us, quickly, and the best pictures will be posted right here with a link to your livejournal or whatever. SPECIAL CONTEST PRIZE: Best Picture Taker wins a coveted Wonkette Operative t-shirt. Newell will bring it to your house tonight. [We Are Dead Serious]

There is only one way we’re buying Rod Blagojevich’s sure-to-be-shitty “inside story” about how he’s an “incompetent crook” and “washed-up circus clown” — and that’s if Chicago’s Lauri Apple actually provides the cover art. And the “book” is not actually written by Rod Blagojevich, and is also not about him at all. The back cover needs to be the famous “I CAN PARACHUTE ME THERE” illustration, the end. [Chicagoist/TrendPiece]

Lauri Apple! She’s that artist who did the wonderful picture of Rod Blagojevich parachuting himself there! Now she has produced a little drawing of Roland Burris, which is great, because we were getting sick of using the old video capture and the mausoleum shot all the time. [Chicagoist]

Roland Burris! This guy! The respected Chicago politician who has his own glamorous mausoleum already built and who repeatedly lost in his many attempts at seeking a public office higher than dog catcher managed to weasel his way into the Senate by calling Harry Reid a racist. As we watched events unfold in December and January we were frankly amazed by his PR strategy which involved, number one, accepting an appointment by a TAINTED governor that literally no other self-respecting Democrat in the state would take, and number two, again, calling Harry Reid a racist. MORE »