Fat Americans Slam Obama For Intense Workout Regime
Thursday, July 17th, 2008
July 17, 2008 — remember it, because it’s the day Barack Obama lost the second black presidency of the United States. Two breaking articles about Obama’s shamefully rigorous workout regime are getting the full Drudge treatment, and folks, this stuff is far more damaging than “Whitey” ever would have been. Here’s the skinny: yesterday, Hopey spent 188 minutes exercising, spread across three separate trips to the gym. This stands as further proof that Barack Obama is not an Average American, because the Average American weighs 750 pounds and spends 188 minutes of the day masturbating to amateur donkey porn on the Internet. MORE »
July 17, 2008 — remember it, because it’s the day Barack Obama lost the second black presidency of the United States. Two breaking articles about Obama’s shamefully rigorous workout regime are getting the full Drudge treatment, and folks, this stuff is far more damaging than “Whitey” ever would have been. Here’s the skinny: yesterday, Hopey spent 188 minutes exercising, spread across three separate trips to the gym. This stands as further proof that Barack Obama is not an Average American, because the Average American weighs 750 pounds and spends 188 minutes of the day masturbating to amateur donkey porn on the Internet. MORE »
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Barack Obama’s presidential campaign is hiring like CRAYZEE these days, and one of the people they just brought on board is a gal by the name of “Patti Solis Doyle.” You might remember her for driving the Clinton campaign into a ditch with her 
Because of the damn terrorists, hobos will now have to take off the roaster chickens they use as footwear before boarding planes. In the Chicago area last Friday, a “motorist” noticed a whole roaster chicken, presumably on the road, stuffed not with innards or stuffing or golden trinkets, but with an IED, to blow up America. The bomb was defused by Authorities, and it’s a damn good thing — apparently that was one of those “unfriendly” bombs that hurts people: “Police Capt. Matthew Catania would not describe the bomb, but said it was ‘capable of causing harm to a person.’” Do not eat Roaster Chickens, ever. [
The jury reached a verdict in the corruption trial of Chicago “slum landlord” Tony Rezko, the sleazy best friend of Barack Obama. Rezko was a prominent fundraiser for Obama back in the day, and even helped him buy his Hope Mansion in Chicago, and then they started dating, but Obama was too careerist commit to a gay relationship on the side. And that’s a good thing, because Tony won’t be around for trysts no mo’! He was convicted of “12 counts of wire and mail fraud, two counts of money laundering and two counts of aiding and abetting bribery.” But what’s the worst the judge could throw at him for such petty misdemeanors? Oh: “300 years in prison.” So what? Obama will pardon him in January, 2017, because why not? [
The frustrating 2008 Democratic primary season has been made even more insufferable by the Obama campaign staff’s refusal to talk smack about any of their coworkers. This leaves a bitter press corps with no fun tidbits to write about, which is why it’s still good that Hillary Clinton is in the race. Basically, Barack Obama is like the George Bush of 2000, commanding a team of eerily happy and loyal drones who will all become torture-loving yes-men once they seize the reins of power. The secrets to Barack’s success, after the jump. 
When most people hear “Barack Obama’s neighbor,” they probably think of slumlord Tony Rezko, whose wife sold the Obamas a patch of dirt once. But it turns out that the Obamas’ Chicago home sits across the street from a synagogue where the presidential candidate’s Secret Service detail occasionally uses the head! Hear what the kindly rabbi neighbor has to say about Our Barry after the jump.