Tag Archives: chicago

  It's amazing who gets to be a "journalist" these days

Lady Writer Wishes Hurricane Katrina Would Destroy Chicago, Is That Mean?

Obama probably shouldn't mention weather either.
It was like so great you guys! Hey, remember Hurricane Katrina? It was ten years ago, almost! It was devastating. The final death count was 1,836 in Louisiana and Mississippi, and over half of them were elderly. Eighty percent of the city of New Orleans was flooded, and in poorer areas, the city is STILL rebuilding, or worse, not rebuilding. Yes, it’s rebounded in many ways, and of course it’s a hipster magnet, yadda yadda, but some of the things that have sprung up in the last ten years are NOT so great, like how the public schools were already failing before Katrina, but the new holy grail charter school system isn’t really doing any better. Oh, and also, too, much of the “rebirth” that’s happened in New Orleans is super fucking GREAT if you are middle-class or above, but if you’re poor? Sucks to you be you, honestly. Read more on Lady Writer Wishes Hurricane Katrina Would Destroy Chicago, Is That Mean?…
  Dying While Black

Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?

Yeah, marijuana use is clearly the important part of this story.
Looks like there’s been another mysterious death of a black suspect in police custody, this time in Waller County, Texas, where 28-year-old Sandra Bland was found dead Monday after being arrested following a traffic stop last Friday. Bland was being held for allegedly kicking the Texas Highway Patrolman who pulled her over for failing to signal a lane change; Waller County Sheriff Glenn Smith said that Bland was found hanging in her cell at 9:00 a.m. Monday, about an hour after asking staff by intercom if she could make a phone call. She had last been observed by jail staff at 7:00 a.m. when she was given breakfast. An autopsy performed by the Harris County Institute of Forensic Sciences in Houston ruled her death a suicide by hanging. Bland was being held on $5000 bail, but friends said she was preparing to pay the bail Monday. Sheriff Smith certainly seemed all broken up about Bland’s death, saying in words that do not sound the least bit well-rehearsed, “Any time somebody dies, it’s a tragic deal … That’s exactly what this appeared to be.” Read more on Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?…
  Here have some news n stuff

Butthurt Missouri County To Spend Year Mourning Gay-Murder Of Marriage

RIP straight marriage
There are sad losers and really sad losers, and then there’s this un-freaking-believably pathetic three-person commission in Dent County, Missouri, who unanimously voted to spend the next 12 months crying like Nancy Kerrigan with a skinned knee because BOO HOO GAY MARRIAGE. To demonstrate their “mourning” for the now-dead sanctity of one closeted man unenthusiastically humping his sexually unsatisfied wife every other Wednesday night with the lights off, the flag in front of the county courthouse will be lowered, until June 2016, to “below half-staff.” OOOOH, SICK BURN! Would be a sicker burn if they decided to turn the flag upside down while they’re at it: Read more on Butthurt Missouri County To Spend Year Mourning Gay-Murder Of Marriage…
  Won't somebody think of the younglings?

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Anti-Vaxxer Death Squads Will Set Us Free

Welcome back, folks! It’s time again for the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly guide for all the hottest tips and tricks to feng shui your crystals into an alignment more conducive for your chakral energy surges. Y’know, bullshit. We’ve got a full collection of stories to cover so let’s dive right in. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Anti-Vaxxer Death Squads Will Set Us Free…
  Coming Again To Save The Motherfuckin' Day

A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos

'Merca!
For your America Day enjoyment, we proudly present this retread/update of a 2011 post by “Wonkette Jr,” whose actual identity is lost to time — truly, we are standing on the shoulders of an unknown giant. Since not even YouTube is Forever, we also pruned the dead links and added all-new Patriotic Content! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos…
  bless their dumbass hearts

Fox & Friends: Hillary Clinton Can’t Talk Southern, She Only Lived In Arkansas 18 Years!

One dipshit, two dipshit, three dipshit ...
Let’s Make A Stupid about Hillary Clinton, with the cast of teevee’s Fox & Friends. You see, Wednesday, Hillary Clinton spoke in South Carolina, and not only did she make a joke about how her hair won’t go white in the White House, because she’s been coloring it for years (it was actually pretty funny!), but she said it in a Southern accent, FAKER!!!! She also said that she ate chicken and waffles, which is an obvious lie because Hillary Clinton only eats at Chipotle, and she doesn’t tip. The Fox & Friends couch … well, let’s just say her accent confused them very much. Read more on Fox & Friends: Hillary Clinton Can’t Talk Southern, She Only Lived In Arkansas 18 Years!…
  here comes honey oh fuck it

TLC Pulls Gross Duggars Off The Air Because Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Wanted Equal Molesting Time

18 kids and the rapey one
It would seem that TLC, which revels in taking weird, fucked up people and making them teevee stars, isn’t too keen on sex criming kids. They cancelled Here Comes Honey Boo Boo after it was revealed that the show’s matriarch, Mama June, was shacking up with a dude that child-molested one of her kids. And now TLC has pulled all scheduled airings of 19 Kids And Counting, after revelations that Josh Duggar molested his sisters. We don’t know if TLC is looking for a new slogan, but Wonkette is willing to sell them “Standards: They’re Low, But We Have Them!” for $100,000. Read more on TLC Pulls Gross Duggars Off The Air Because Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Wanted Equal Molesting Time…
  Gay wedding nice time with Hillz!

Hillary Clinton Invited To Real Live Gay Wedding, Will There Be Pizza?

Look at this couple, just walking down the street in love like that's even normal.
Hillary Clinton announced Sunday that yeah, sure, she guesses she’ll go ahead and be president in 2016, not that it’s that important to her or anything. As we reported, her announcement video is terrible and un-American, as it features “regular people” doing “regular things,” like going back to work, graduating college and things like that. But her True Agenda is revealed when a man’s voice says, “I’m getting married this summer to someone I really care about.” The camera moves to footage of a man holding hands WITH ANOTHER MAN, which yr Wonkette has to admit is really kind of big and heartwarming and wonderful, since it’s the first time a presidential candidate with a shot of winning has started out the gate declaring support for the gay marriages. Read more on Hillary Clinton Invited To Real Live Gay Wedding, Will There Be Pizza?…
  Pence is highly offended by all your rude comments about Indiana

Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence

The Indianapolis Star‘s Tuesday edition is a bit stunning, in that the entire front page is devoted to an editorial demanding that Indiana lawmakers “FIX THIS NOW.” They are of course referring to the Fuck The Gays law, signed by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which has single-handedly sent the state to number one on pretty much everyone’s list of “states where I do not wish to find myself stranded.” Read more on Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence…
  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey

She seems so nice
A town council meeting in Mahwah, New Jersey, turned ugly last Thursday as the Council reacted with both pique and indelicacy to … we don’t know, some horseshit that small-town people get het-freakin’-up about. We do know Councilwoman Lisa DiGiulio let out her inner Scalia with all manner of bawdy gestures and a Tony Soprano-style gutter mouth full of terrible cusses, impeach. Read more on New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey…
  The More Things Change The More Cops Beat Heads

Chicago Police Cosplay Fun ’24,’ CIA Torture Stuff, For Fun!

Everything Old Is New Again
If you thought that police departments arming themselves with military assault rifles, cruising around in surplus MRAPs, and firing tear gas all willy nilly at protestors was maybe a problem, you’ll really love this report from The Guardian, part of reporter Spencer Ackerman’s series on Chicago police abuses. Turns out that for years, Chicago police have routinely “disappeared” arrestees and interrogated them for periods of 12 to 24 hours before booking them, reading them their rights, or allowing them to see an attorney. Essentially, the Chicago Police Department has its very own version of a “Black Site,” a place to soften people up a little in custody before the official paper trail begins: Read more on Chicago Police Cosplay Fun ’24,’ CIA Torture Stuff, For Fun!…
  Education Nice Time!

Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace

Bluto studied Photoshop at Estes Kefauver Community College
Now here’s a nice thing if you’re into “education” and “free stuff,” which of course you are, because you’re an over-educated socialist liberal. President Obama is heading to Tennessee today to announce a program that would provide qualified students with two years of free community college, as well as other reforms aimed at making higher education more accessible. Tell us more, New York Times: Read more on Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace…
  The Elephants Are Kindly But They're Dumb

Homeschool Mom Finds Liberal Bias At A Zoo. Also A Country Named ‘Zambibia.’

Megan Fox and reptilian overlord
Fresh off her brilliant destruction of evolution at Chicago’s Field Museum — accomplished by calling science “stupid” and noting that nobody saw what happened 450 million years ago, so shut up — homeschooling mom and amateur conservative skeptic Megan Fox has trained her keen analytical eye on the Brookfield Zoo. She conducts an “audit” — it sounds so professional! — of the exhibits to expose “the Left’s propaganda, lies, and evidence of the cult of Scientism at work.” We hate to disappoint you, kids, but her very limited success as a YouTube phenomenon has already spoiled Megan Fox. After the brilliant science-bashing idiocy of her visit to the Field Museum, her exposé of the zoo is a classic case of sophomore slump. The crazy eyes and manic stupidity are still there, but the magic? The magic is gone. Read more on Homeschool Mom Finds Liberal Bias At A Zoo. Also A Country Named ‘Zambibia.’…
  heart of darkness

Kevin Williamson’s Heart Of Darkness

Kevin Williamson leads his crew on a journey into deepest, darkest Illinois.
We usually avoid the work of Kevin D. Williamson at National Review, partly because every piece is overwritten tripe with a point so far outside of reality we need a wormhole to reach it, and partly because we are creeped out by Williamson, who looks like the dandified love child of Ted Bundy and a deformed penis. He is also probably the most consistent race-baiter at NR since old John Derbyshire took his white sheets to VDARE, and our blood pressure does not need more nudging towards the red line. Read more on Kevin Williamson’s Heart Of Darkness…
  will they be jailed for more than 4 hours?

Wonkette After Dark: Watch Out For Smooth Viagra Thieves, Chicago

The Gang That Couldn't Pee Straight
In Sex News, or at least sex-adjacent news, two “older men with guns” robbed a Chicago medical clinic’s pharmacy, getting away with “56 Viagra pills worth $1700” as well as “Xanex, a muscle relaxant; Norco, a pain killer and codeine-laced cough syrup, valued at $400.” Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Watch Out For Smooth Viagra Thieves, Chicago…