Tag Archives: chicago

  here comes honey oh fuck it

TLC Pulls Gross Duggars Off The Air Because Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Wanted Equal Molesting Time

18 kids and the rapey one
It would seem that TLC, which revels in taking weird, fucked up people and making them teevee stars, isn’t too keen on sex criming kids. They cancelled Here Comes Honey Boo Boo after it was revealed that the show’s matriarch, Mama June, was shacking up with a dude that child-molested one of her kids. And now TLC has pulled all scheduled airings of 19 Kids And Counting, after revelations that Josh Duggar molested his sisters. We don’t know if TLC is looking for a new slogan, but Wonkette is willing to sell them “Standards: They’re Low, But We Have Them!” for $100,000. Read more on TLC Pulls Gross Duggars Off The Air Because Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Wanted Equal Molesting Time…
  Gay wedding nice time with Hillz!

Hillary Clinton Invited To Real Live Gay Wedding, Will There Be Pizza?

Look at this couple, just walking down the street in love like that's even normal.
Hillary Clinton announced Sunday that yeah, sure, she guesses she’ll go ahead and be president in 2016, not that it’s that important to her or anything. As we reported, her announcement video is terrible and un-American, as it features “regular people” doing “regular things,” like going back to work, graduating college and things like that. But her True Agenda is revealed when a man’s voice says, “I’m getting married this summer to someone I really care about.” The camera moves to footage of a man holding hands WITH ANOTHER MAN, which yr Wonkette has to admit is really kind of big and heartwarming and wonderful, since it’s the first time a presidential candidate with a shot of winning has started out the gate declaring support for the gay marriages. Read more on Hillary Clinton Invited To Real Live Gay Wedding, Will There Be Pizza?…
  Pence is highly offended by all your rude comments about Indiana

Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence

The Indianapolis Star‘s Tuesday edition is a bit stunning, in that the entire front page is devoted to an editorial demanding that Indiana lawmakers “FIX THIS NOW.” They are of course referring to the Fuck The Gays law, signed by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which has single-handedly sent the state to number one on pretty much everyone’s list of “states where I do not wish to find myself stranded.” Read more on Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence…
  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey

She seems so nice
A town council meeting in Mahwah, New Jersey, turned ugly last Thursday as the Council reacted with both pique and indelicacy to … we don’t know, some horseshit that small-town people get het-freakin’-up about. We do know Councilwoman Lisa DiGiulio let out her inner Scalia with all manner of bawdy gestures and a Tony Soprano-style gutter mouth full of terrible cusses, impeach. Read more on New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey…
  The More Things Change The More Cops Beat Heads

Chicago Police Cosplay Fun ’24,’ CIA Torture Stuff, For Fun!

Everything Old Is New Again
If you thought that police departments arming themselves with military assault rifles, cruising around in surplus MRAPs, and firing tear gas all willy nilly at protestors was maybe a problem, you’ll really love this report from The Guardian, part of reporter Spencer Ackerman’s series on Chicago police abuses. Turns out that for years, Chicago police have routinely “disappeared” arrestees and interrogated them for periods of 12 to 24 hours before booking them, reading them their rights, or allowing them to see an attorney. Essentially, the Chicago Police Department has its very own version of a “Black Site,” a place to soften people up a little in custody before the official paper trail begins: Read more on Chicago Police Cosplay Fun ’24,’ CIA Torture Stuff, For Fun!…
  Education Nice Time!

Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace

Bluto studied Photoshop at Estes Kefauver Community College
Now here’s a nice thing if you’re into “education” and “free stuff,” which of course you are, because you’re an over-educated socialist liberal. President Obama is heading to Tennessee today to announce a program that would provide qualified students with two years of free community college, as well as other reforms aimed at making higher education more accessible. Tell us more, New York Times: Read more on Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace…
  The Elephants Are Kindly But They're Dumb

Homeschool Mom Finds Liberal Bias At A Zoo. Also A Country Named ‘Zambibia.’

Megan Fox and reptilian overlord
Fresh off her brilliant destruction of evolution at Chicago’s Field Museum — accomplished by calling science “stupid” and noting that nobody saw what happened 450 million years ago, so shut up — homeschooling mom and amateur conservative skeptic Megan Fox has trained her keen analytical eye on the Brookfield Zoo. She conducts an “audit” — it sounds so professional! — of the exhibits to expose “the Left’s propaganda, lies, and evidence of the cult of Scientism at work.” We hate to disappoint you, kids, but her very limited success as a YouTube phenomenon has already spoiled Megan Fox. After the brilliant science-bashing idiocy of her visit to the Field Museum, her exposé of the zoo is a classic case of sophomore slump. The crazy eyes and manic stupidity are still there, but the magic? The magic is gone. Read more on Homeschool Mom Finds Liberal Bias At A Zoo. Also A Country Named ‘Zambibia.’…
  heart of darkness

Kevin Williamson’s Heart Of Darkness

Kevin Williamson leads his crew on a journey into deepest, darkest Illinois.
We usually avoid the work of Kevin D. Williamson at National Review, partly because every piece is overwritten tripe with a point so far outside of reality we need a wormhole to reach it, and partly because we are creeped out by Williamson, who looks like the dandified love child of Ted Bundy and a deformed penis. He is also probably the most consistent race-baiter at NR since old John Derbyshire took his white sheets to VDARE, and our blood pressure does not need more nudging towards the red line. Read more on Kevin Williamson’s Heart Of Darkness…
  will they be jailed for more than 4 hours?

Wonkette After Dark: Watch Out For Smooth Viagra Thieves, Chicago

The Gang That Couldn't Pee Straight
In Sex News, or at least sex-adjacent news, two “older men with guns” robbed a Chicago medical clinic’s pharmacy, getting away with “56 Viagra pills worth $1700″ as well as “Xanex, a muscle relaxant; Norco, a pain killer and codeine-laced cough syrup, valued at $400.” Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Watch Out For Smooth Viagra Thieves, Chicago…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun Fun: Our Responsible Gun Owners Have Been Busy Bees!

The right to bare legs is much more fun
Good golly, there’s a whole lot of shootin’ going on! America’s Responsible Gun Owners have been keeping the peace all on their lonesome, some with deadlier results than others. Let’s dig through the shell casings and see what’s out there! Read more on Gun Fun: Our Responsible Gun Owners Have Been Busy Bees!…
  the violence inherent in the system

What Is Free Speech Even Coming To When Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh Can’t Say The N-Word On The Radio?

Former Illinois congresscritter and forever deadbeat dad Joe Walsh was sent home early from his job as a wingnut talk radio host Thursday, because obviously the management of the radio station has no idea how Free Speach* works. See, all he was doing was making a commentary about the controversy over the Washington Redskins’ team name, and to make his point it was very important to him that he actually say other offensive terms on the air, for demonstration purposes. For some reason, his socialist employers at Chicago station WIND-AM didn’t understand the simple logic of this, and yanked him off the air. Happily for the world, he live-tweeted his unfolding beatdown by the forces of oppression. Read more on What Is Free Speech Even Coming To When Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh Can’t Say The N-Word On The Radio?…
  best american nonfiction writing of 2014

Wonkette Journalism Review: Let Us Speak Now Of Racism. Or Pegging. Whatever.

Today we ponder two awesome pieces of journalism, both of which had Twitter buzzing when they hit the web late Wednesday night. It was a tough choice for us deciding which one excited us more. Nothing we like better than some hard-hitting web content. Let’s compare the two and see which one has the potential to be more thought-provoking. On the one hand, you have Ta-Nehisi Coates’ eagerly awaited cover story for The Atlantic, “The Case for Reparations.” Coates has given us a searing indictment of the racism that has undergirded American society from the day the first slaves were brought to the North American continent, showing the reader, largely through the story of black efforts to capture a piece of the American dream by owning their own homes, particularly in one black neighborhood in Chicago, how the systemic physical, psychological and economic violence done to black minds, bodies, families and souls has wreaked havoc upon African-Americans for 400 years and continues to do so today. On the other hand, you have this piece from Buzzfeed titled, before the listicle giant changed it to something slightly less provocative, “Which Supreme Court Justice Should You Masturbate To?” Read more on Wonkette Journalism Review: Let Us Speak Now Of Racism. Or Pegging. Whatever….
  renegade actuaries on wheels

Big Insurance, Unaware Climate Change A Hoax, Sues Chicago For Failing To Prepare For It

#167001916 / gettyimages.com You know how climate change is just a big scam by liberal scientists to shake loose grant money and to force Americans to submit to socialist Big Government schemes to make everyone buy an electric car? Turns out that insurance companies, those bastions of crunchy-granola radical Marxism, are also trying to get in on the climate change scam, possibly because insurance companies are unpatriotic racists who hate freedom. Read more on Big Insurance, Unaware Climate Change A Hoax, Sues Chicago For Failing To Prepare For It…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

The Gun Fondlers Save Chicago, And More News In Your Gun Fun Times Roundup

Late last week some actual good news about violent crime came out of the great city of Chicago: the homicide rate for the first three months of the year fell to the lowest level of any first quarter since 1958. There were six fewer homicides than in the first quarter of 2013, and 55 fewer than the same period of 2012. What accounts for this significant drop? Mayor Rahm Emmanuel and Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy cited more intelligent police training and activities, more community programs keeping kids off the streets, and the seizure of 1,300 illegal guns since the beginning of the year. Some blog commenters we saw attributed it partly to the face-melting Chicago winter being even more face-meltingly brutal than normal. But America’s gun-fondling wingnuts know the real reason: Illinois passed a concealed-carry law last summer and now Johnny Thug will think twice about messing with potentially armed, freedom-defending citizens! Read more on The Gun Fondlers Save Chicago, And More News In Your Gun Fun Times Roundup…
  cheerleaders auxiliary is a good auxiliary

Union Thugs Get Greasy Hands On College Sportsball

The National Labor Relations Board handed down a 24-page decision saying Northwestern University sportsball players are employees of the university and may form a union. Quarterback Kain Colter has been the face of the pro-unionization campaign. It’s no surprise this happened in Chicago, one of the last bastions of organized labor activity with balls. Read more on Union Thugs Get Greasy Hands On College Sportsball…
  illinois nasties...we hate illinois nasties

Meet Your Newest GOP Congressional Nominee, Illinois: Wingnut Lady Who Says Gays Cause Autism, Dementia And Tornadoes

Time for a quick Fringe Candidate Update, Ye Wonkers: you may remember our brief mention of long-shot Republican congressional candidate Susanne Atanus back in January, when it looked like her decidedly unorthodox views on how diseases and weather work might lead to her dropping out of the primary race for Illinois’s 9th Congressional District. She had told a local paper that diagnoses of autism and dementia simply didn’t exist about “sixteen years ago,” and neither did the frequent tornadoes that the Midwest gets these days. And she had a simple explanation for why those things have suddenly sprung out of nowhere: “God is angry,” she told the [Chicago Daily] Herald. “We are provoking him with abortions and same-sex marriage and civil unions. Same-sex activity is going to increase AIDS. If it’s in our military it will weaken our military. We need to respect God.” And even though the state GOP was quick to say that Atanus was running without its endorsement, and actually urged her to drop out, she managed to win a very narrow primary victory over the other Republican in the race, David Earl Williams III. We bet that “III” was just off-putting enough to enough voters that they said, “Sure, let’s go with the crazy tornado lady.” Read more on Meet Your Newest GOP Congressional Nominee, Illinois: Wingnut Lady Who Says Gays Cause Autism, Dementia And Tornadoes…
  the trouble with harare

Ex-Congresscreeper Mel Reynolds Arrested In Zimbabwe For Making All The Pornos

You might or might not remember former Illinois Congressweirdo Mel Reynolds, a seriously freaky guy who in the early ’90s managed to get elected — twice — despite being more than a little bit skeevy. His Chicago district somehow managed to send him back to Congress in 1994 even after he’d been accused of doing sex with a 16-year-old campaign intern; he only resigned his House seat after he was convicted on charges of sexual assault, obstruction of justice, and solicitation of child pornography. No, he actually does not seem nice. And then he tried to run again in 2012 to replace Jesse Jackson Jr.’s seat, but voters were not in the mood to buy his campaign slogan “Redemption.” Now, just to prove that no matter how big an asshole you’ve been, it is almost always possible to embarrass yourself just a little more, Reynolds was arrested in Zimbabwe Monday, and went to court in the capital, Harare, today on charges of possessing pornography and violating the country’s immigration laws. Not just possessing porn, which would merely be evidence that Zimbabwe is a censorious stuck-up place. Nah, he was making porn. In a couple of hotels where he also ran up $24,000 in unpaid charges. That’s the Chicago way. Read more on Ex-Congresscreeper Mel Reynolds Arrested In Zimbabwe For Making All The Pornos…
  if this doesnt work we'll call in dumbledore

Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing

Well hello, GAYmerica. Because the frothy LGBT agenda is being smeared all over this great land, this little mommyblog has not been reporting on every state that legalizes gay marriage, which everyone knows is like poking G-d in the eye with your dick. However, some sorcerers bishops in a Chicago coven Church want to get all double double toil and trouble hocus pocus on Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn. When Quinn signs the same-sex marriage bill into law, Bishop Thomas Paprocki of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Springfield has graciously announced that he shall offer prayers for “exorcism in reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage.” This is just the kind of reaction that New Pope was hoping for when he sought to focus less on divisive social issues, so well done Bishop Paprocki.  Read more on Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing…
  sweet john

‘Nice John McCain’ Temporarily In Charge, Compliments Hillary & Biden; Surly Johnny Hungers To Taste Flesh Once More

Oh, hey, it’s “Statesman McCain” today! In Chicago today, Walnuts said that he believed that Hillary Clinton would make a “very strong candidate” for the 2016 Democratic nomination: I don’t think there’s any doubt she has widespread support. Her work as secretary of state, with the exception of this issue of Benghazi — which isn’t going away — I think has been outstanding. I think she would be viewed by anyone, Republican or Democrat, as a very formidable candidate for 2016.” We’d like to imagine that at the mention of the magic word “Benghazi” the senator experienced a momentary facial tic as Angry Petulant McCain briefly took control, only to be stifled by the Elder Statesman. We’re pretty sure he’s still in there, just waiting for a chance to break free and transform into the Incredible Sulk. Give him a day or two. Read more on ‘Nice John McCain’ Temporarily In Charge, Compliments Hillary & Biden; Surly Johnny Hungers To Taste Flesh Once More…
  should have been a wall street bankster

Jesse Jackson Jr. Goes To Prison, Wonders If The Pacific Is As Blue As It Is In His Dreams

It will not be a very happy Rosh Hashanah in the home of Jesse Jackson as his son, Jesse Jackson Jr., was sentenced today to two and a half years in a federal prison for the crime of being a grifter of nearly Sarah Palin-level griftiness. Read more on Jesse Jackson Jr. Goes To Prison, Wonders If The Pacific Is As Blue As It Is In His Dreams…
  police blotter

Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death

Did you feel as though an intangible but perceptible cloud of safety and serenity descended on your community sometime last week? Probably this is because you live in Park Forest, Illinois, where local police successfully tased and beanbagged a 95-year-old World War II veteran to death last week for being ornery and refusing to put down a kitchen knife. Or maybe there was no kitchen knife and it was actually a shoehorn, who can be sure. But yes, thankfully, residents of Park Forest can sleep more soundly knowing that they are safe from the menace of cranky 95-year-olds thanks to Park Forest’s best and brightest! Read more on Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death…