Tag Archives: chelsea clinton

  go back to your porn

The ‘Wonkette Part’ Of David Denby’s Book Really Just A Bunch Of Major, If Not Libelous, Errors

Alright, so we caved. We were at Borders and noticed New Yorker film critic David Denby’s new book, Snark, about how he hates bloggers, Sarah Palin, Maureen Dowd, Tom Wolfe and others for the exact same undefined reason. We actually bought the book (YOU’RE WELCOME DENBY) and were planning to skim for the Wonkette part, giggle, and then give the slender volume away to the nearest hobo. So, OH MAN. First he references one of your male associate editor’s posts about Chelsea Clinton and suggests that the “young women” who wrote it must have some catty jealousy issues, with their vaginas. Then he writes that we made fun of Ted Kennedy on the day of his brain tumor surgery, citing a post about something else entirely that was written seven months before Kennedy even got cancer. Damn those bloggers, always trying to ruin other peoples’ reputations with false information! Read more on The ‘Wonkette Part’ Of David Denby’s Book Really Just A Bunch Of Major, If Not Libelous, Errors…
  meet your candidates

Random Dude Who E-mailed Us Should Take Hillary’s Senate Seat

A delightfully insane person has e-mailed us and approximately 400 other tip or info lines asking politely if he can be Senator from New York. He wants to take over for two years until Chelsea Clinton is 30 and can rightfully claim her seat. You must read (skim) his full blog post about this. “Oh- I’m just the ‘strwaw man- so i’ll read the script, act the part, do the ‘show’, and let my handlers, and staff run things- its simpler that way,” he writes, “for 2 years- till chelsea clinton is 30, and can take over the show..” The commentary is interspersed among dozens of photos of celebrities and politicians. [X-WIRE] Read more on Random Dude Who E-mailed Us Should Take Hillary’s Senate Seat…
  stay classy

The Latest Gem From McCain’s Long History Of Horrifying ‘Wisecracks’

John McCain’s always had a hearty arsenal of “cocktail party jokes,” including several about killing Iranian civilians with either bombs or exported American cancer, and another about Chelsea Clinton being ugly because her father is Janet Reno’s penis. These jokes, however, can’t shake a stick at the latest gem someone has unearthed from a 1986 copy of the Tucson Citizen, one that got him in a tit-bit of trouble at the time. After the jump: McCain’s crack about the gorilla who rapes and murders some gal in the street. Read more on The Latest Gem From McCain’s Long History Of Horrifying ‘Wisecracks’…
  please feed me

Hillary Selling Random Crap At Inflationary Prices, Because Time Is Running Out!

Check out the e-mail Hillary Clinton sent us this morning: “In May, Chelsea announced our ‘Project T-Shirt’ contest, and I never imagined we would have such an outpouring of support and great designs. …If you contribute $50 today you’ll get a t-shirt with the winning design and continue to help me pay down our campaign debt.” Some PUMA person is freaking about the deadline for retiring Hillary’s campaign debt being tomorrow, which is about the only logical explanation for her team selling this piece of shit-on-cloth for $50. Coming tomorrow: buy a pebble Hillary Clinton found on the side of I-95 for only $2,300! [Hillary Clinton] Read more on Hillary Selling Random Crap At Inflationary Prices, Because Time Is Running Out!…
 

Hillary Throws Huge Drunken Pool Party At Her Home

Tomorrow is quittin’ time for Hillary Clinton, so today she threw a big farewell bash for her 500-person staff at her Georgetown home, Whitehaven Manor Castle, “in the back yard by the swimming pool.” And although Hillary could’ve served the troops just fine, thank you, with her trademark potato salad recipe — which consists of bourbon and no potatoes at all — she donated another $11 million to her campaign for catering! “All morning, workers brought tables, food, and bags of ice through the side gate, assisted by Secret Service agents. Valets helped park cars to keep them off the quiet one-way street.” Oh boy! UPDATE BELOW: We’re hearing that many sad pandas on Team Clinton didn’t get invited. Read more on Hillary Throws Huge Drunken Pool Party At Her Home…
 

Hillary Cries Over Chelsea, Politicizes Her

Aww, poor old Hillary must be feeling the pressure a little bit, because she’s turning on the windshield wipers for the, what, third time? She cried again in a CNN interview today, this time while discussing her daughter. She says while crying that having Chelsea on the trail has been one of the “most incredibly gratifying experiences” of her life, and you know what? We’ll grant her that. But then… Read more on Hillary Cries Over Chelsea, Politicizes Her…
 

Chelsea Clinton Barred From Campaigning At Bombing Range

The young lass who just a few short years ago wowed the world by dodging sniper fire in Bosnia will not be able to deliver a repeat performance dodging bombs in Puerto Rico because people in the Navy are mean. For those of you who were alive way back in the late 1990s, you will recall that Vieques is a little spot in Puerto Rico the military used to bomb the shit out of, for practice, and people protested it occasionally until a bomb killed a security guard and they shut the whole thing down. Read more on Chelsea Clinton Barred From Campaigning At Bombing Range…
 

Chelsea Clinton Proves Useful!

Hillary Clinton is pimping out her daughter on Puerto Rico today, and by golly it worked! Luisette Cabanas, a previously undecided superdelegate, has just announced her support for Hillary Clinton with Chelsea by her side. What magical powers did Chelsea employ? Did it involve a knife and a severed cat’s head? [Marc Ambinder] Read more on Chelsea Clinton Proves Useful!…
 

Chelsea Clinton Nuns It Up

While her mother was off getting ignored by Republicans, Chelsea Clinton took a few days in sunny Puerto Rico to address a group of nuns. Her father Bill stayed on the plane, saying, “Poke me when we get to Vegas.” [AP story and photo] Read more on Chelsea Clinton Nuns It Up…
 

It’s Hillary’s Friends, And Stephanie Tubbs Jones Shouting!

newVideoPlayer("hils.flv", 463, 387,"");Here is some video from last night’s Hillary Clinton rally at the University of Pennsylvania, including Stephanie Tubbs Jones getting fired up and having a verbal hernia. There’s a cappella and some cameraman giving Liz the middle finger. Then the Mayor of Philadelphia, Michael Nutter, says “MUST BE SOME VOTIN GETTIN READY TO HAPPEN UP IN HERE.” Then Chelsea comes on and says “my mom and my dad blah blah blah, I am the human in this family.” Then Bill Clinton lies, he lies a lot. You’ve never heard someone lie more in your life than you have Bill Clinton at a rally for his wife. But he sounds so nice, still. Then they play a song from the Ford commercials, the end. Read more on It’s Hillary’s Friends, And Stephanie Tubbs Jones Shouting!…
 

It’s Chelsea And Three Dudes!

Here’s Chelsea onstage with the cocksucker father of hers, Governor Ed “I Teach Here So Why Are You All Pretending To Be Excited About My Appearance” Rendell, and that black Philadelphia mayor who for some reason doesn’t support Obama. Ed Rendell says, “I’ll pass it over to Chelsea, who’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.” Like Ricky Ricardo! But what does it mean? Maybe Chelsea will ‘Splain why all these people are here for Hillary when she’s already lost the election. Either way, the crowd goes wild. They are drooling like fools. Read more on It’s Chelsea And Three Dudes!…
 

Chelsea Clinton Groped By Lesbians

Chelsea was doing a gay bar crawl in Philadelphia on Friday night and while she was walking around some lady said “I grabbed her ass,” and David Shuster wept because this was proof positive that the Clintons were pimping their daughter out. Read more on Chelsea Clinton Groped By Lesbians…
 

Alas, Chelsea Clinton Learns To Lie

This Chelsea Clinton, she’s going places. In the 2044 election she will go straight to the third-place finish in the Democratic primary, with Malia Obama in first and Hillary Clinton in second. This is because she has learned to tell hilarious lies, much like her working-class mother and pink father. She has been going on about how a couple of guys in New Hampshire yelled out at her, “Iron my shirt!” and that they were dead serious, and sexist, and you should vote for Hillary Clinton. But the two dudes (who are probably still awful) were New England radio hosts doing it as a complete prank. They love women after all! Why does Chelsea continue to lie about their INTENTIONS? Read more on Alas, Chelsea Clinton Learns To Lie…
 

Chelsea Continually Harassed About Monica Lewinsky

Everyone should ask Chelsea Clinton about Monica Lewinsky at every possible opportunity. Chelsea is like 45 years old now — 24 years older than Monica Lewinsky will ever be! America’s favorite brace-face can handle it. [MSNBC] Read more on Chelsea Continually Harassed About Monica Lewinsky…
 

Chelsea Clinton Throws Dad Under the Bus

Chelsea Clinton was giving a speech about her awful mother today when some wiseacre asked her to “choose between her parents.” Surely this brought up years of teenage therapy where her shrink trained her to not do that. But she answered anyway: “His question is, ‘Do I think my mother will be a better president than my father’… Well, again, I don’t take anything for granted, but hopefully with Pennsylvania’s help, she will be our next president, and yes, I do think she’ll be a better president.” Members in the audience missed the last part, however, because they were still trying to figure out what “take anything for granted” was referring to. [First Read] Read more on Chelsea Clinton Throws Dad Under the Bus…
 

Clinton Campaign Claims Hillary “Misspoke” With Blatant, Hilarious Bosnia Lie

Here’s the best video ever, again, that contrasts Hillary’s account of being shot at by snipers in Bosnia with what really happened — she greeted children while Sinbad and Sheryl Crow boogied in the background. Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson responded to the objective lie today with the closest Clinton admission to guilt in History: “It is possible” that she “misspoke.” If you think like Ken Starr, that is! Read more on Clinton Campaign Claims Hillary “Misspoke” With Blatant, Hilarious Bosnia Lie…
 

Letter From Dallas: Chelsea Clinton, Rob Reiner, And Gloria Steinem Walk Into A Bar

Ever wondered what would happen if two attractive feminists and one corpulent Hollywood director went to a Texas gay bar to round up votes for Hillary Clinton? One brave Dallas reader went deep under cover to bring you this exclusive investigative report. All the sordid details, after the jump! Read more on Letter From Dallas: Chelsea Clinton, Rob Reiner, And Gloria Steinem Walk Into A Bar…
 

Child Superdelegate Dumps Chelsea, Endorses Obama

Chelsea Clinton recently went on a much-publicized breakfast date with Jason Rae, the 21-year-old Democratic superdelegate college student, in an attempt to sway him towards Camp Hillary. Something went wrong — too much teeth, perhaps? — and he’s decided to endorse Barack Obama. According to Rae, “It is a difficult choice for anyone, but in the end, the choice for me has become clear. I am proudly supporting Senator Barack Obama.” Aww poor Chels! Practice on a banana, sweetheart, and forget Jason Rae ever existed. [CNN] Read more on Child Superdelegate Dumps Chelsea, Endorses Obama…
 

David Shuster Will Not Be Staked On Hill Of Hungry Ants After All

After all of his foul hate speech about former First Moppet Chelsea Clinton, David Shuster should just be glad he gets to keep his life. Apparently he will get to keep his job, too! According to an MSNBC spokesperson, Shuster will be permitted to return to work someday, perhaps when Roger is the fourth and final Clinton elected to the nation’s highest office. [The Horse’s Mouth] Read more on David Shuster Will Not Be Staked On Hill Of Hungry Ants After All…
 

Meet A Very Young Superdelegate!

John McCain was a mere 90 years old when Democratic superdelegate Jason Rae was born. The now 21-year-old rose to stardom at the age of 17, when he defeated the president of the Wisconsin state firefighter’s union and was elected to the DNC at the state party convention. Now Chelsea Clinton, her dad and every other Democrat you have ever heard of is calling him up and trying to lock down his superdelegate vote. What are they promising him? Bong rips? [ABC News] Read more on Meet A Very Young Superdelegate!…