Wonkette

Chelsea was doing a gay bar crawl in Philadelphia on Friday night and while she was walking around some lady said “I grabbed her ass,” and David Shuster wept because this was proof positive that the Clintons were pimping their daughter out. MORE »

This Chelsea Clinton, she’s going places. In the 2044 election she will go straight to the third-place finish in the Democratic primary, with Malia Obama in first and Hillary Clinton in second. This is because she has learned to tell hilarious lies, much like her working-class mother and pink father. She has been going on about how a couple of guys in New Hampshire yelled out at her, “Iron my shirt!” and that they were dead serious, and sexist, and you should vote for Hillary Clinton. But the two dudes (who are probably still awful) were New England radio hosts doing it as a complete prank. They love women after all! Why does Chelsea continue to lie about their INTENTIONS? MORE »

Everyone should ask Chelsea Clinton about Monica Lewinsky at every possible opportunity. Chelsea is like 45 years old now — 24 years older than Monica Lewinsky will ever be! America’s favorite brace-face can handle it. [MSNBC]

Chelsea Clinton was giving a speech about her awful mother today when some wiseacre asked her to “choose between her parents.” Surely this brought up years of teenage therapy where her shrink trained her to not do that. But she answered anyway: “His question is, ‘Do I think my mother will be a better president than my father’… Well, again, I don’t take anything for granted, but hopefully with Pennsylvania’s help, she will be our next president, and yes, I do think she’ll be a better president.” Members in the audience missed the last part, however, because they were still trying to figure out what “take anything for granted” was referring to. [First Read]

Here’s the best video ever, again, that contrasts Hillary’s account of being shot at by snipers in Bosnia with what really happened — she greeted children while Sinbad and Sheryl Crow boogied in the background. Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson responded to the objective lie today with the closest Clinton admission to guilt in History: “It is possible” that she “misspoke.” If you think like Ken Starr, that is! MORE »

Ever wondered what would happen if two attractive feminists and one corpulent Hollywood director went to a Texas gay bar to round up votes for Hillary Clinton? One brave Dallas reader went deep under cover to bring you this exclusive investigative report. All the sordid details, after the jump! MORE »

Chelsea Clinton recently went on a much-publicized breakfast date with Jason Rae, the 21-year-old Democratic superdelegate college student, in an attempt to sway him towards Camp Hillary. Something went wrong — too much teeth, perhaps? — and he’s decided to endorse Barack Obama. According to Rae, “It is a difficult choice for anyone, but in the end, the choice for me has become clear. I am proudly supporting Senator Barack Obama.” Aww poor Chels! Practice on a banana, sweetheart, and forget Jason Rae ever existed. [CNN]

After all of his foul hate speech about former First Moppet Chelsea Clinton, David Shuster should just be glad he gets to keep his life. Apparently he will get to keep his job, too! According to an MSNBC spokesperson, Shuster will be permitted to return to work someday, perhaps when Roger is the fourth and final Clinton elected to the nation’s highest office. [The Horse's Mouth]

John McCain was a mere 90 years old when Democratic superdelegate Jason Rae was born. The now 21-year-old rose to stardom at the age of 17, when he defeated the president of the Wisconsin state firefighter’s union and was elected to the DNC at the state party convention. Now Chelsea Clinton, her dad and every other Democrat you have ever heard of is calling him up and trying to lock down his superdelegate vote. What are they promising him? Bong rips? [ABC News]

AND NOW HE’S FIRED: David Shuster sort of called Chelsea Clinton a whore, so now he’s “suspended” from, uh, guest hosting Tucker Carlson’s show? [Media Matters]