Tag Archives: chelsea clinton

  everything's a marketing opportunity

Chelsea Clinton Gets Married, Pizza Chain Sends Grease Pies

America’s queen of hearts, Chelsea Clinton, got married today! It’s about time, right? Bristol Palin will probably be on her third or fourth “old man” by the time she’s 30 years old. Anyway, we forgot to cover this wedding of an adult person, even though it is true that her mom is secretary of state and her dad used to have some job in politics or on Wall Street, can’t remember what. Maybe a marketing firm will send us some pictures we can post that have some tangential relationship to the subject of “Chelsea Clinton’s wedding.” Read more on Chelsea Clinton Gets Married, Pizza Chain Sends Grease Pies…
  it's morning in america

Chelsea Clinton Gets Married Tomorrow, In World’s Most Important Wedding

Remember Chelsea Clinton, the poor little rich girl who lived in the White House during our last era of Peace & Prosperity, when people had no problems beyond grunge, Windows 95, Oval Office blowjobs and the rapidly growing chasm between the wealthy and the poor? Well, Chelsea has not been in the news very much, ever, other than that time a couple of years ago when her mom was accused of “whoring” the adult child, during a primary campaign. It’s no wonder the entire Democratic fundraising community of moneybags is so upset about not getting invited to Chelsea’s “small wedding,” because what are we now, chopped liver? Is the wedding “small” like the checks we wrote to Bill and Hills and now we’re not invited to be Chelsea’s “best man” or at least perform the ceremony like cool friends always do these days? Read more on Chelsea Clinton Gets Married Tomorrow, In World’s Most Important Wedding… Read more on Chelsea Clinton Gets Married Tomorrow, In World’s Most Important Wedding…
  former first ladies

Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman

Former president of fast food Bill Clinton is counting his calories again, because daughter Chelsea gave him “strict orders” to drop 15 pounds of pudge if he wants to watch her marry that guy Marc Mexicansky or whatever next month. Chelsea’s a tough little cookie — she gets that from her mom. She also doesn’t want to have to hire a cardiologist for the wedding, because they’re so expensive. So, how’s Papa Clinton’s calorie-counting going? Read more on Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman…
  also her new father-in-law is an ex-con

Will Chelsea Clinton Become a Jew, For Marriage?

How far we’ve come, as a nation! Only a few generations ago, Jews were not allowed to be famous politicians, and could not golf with elitists such as Tiger Woods. But now, thanks to racial progress, America may soon perhaps have its first converted-Jewish former first daughter! According to a completely speculative blog post on Tina Brown’s Internet Fad, Chelsea is apparently going to marry a Jewish dude. Will she “convert” to whatever religion Jews have? Does she have a religion to convert from? Nobody knows! But this has never stopped anyone from posting something on the Internet. [Daily Beast] Read more on Will Chelsea Clinton Become a Jew, For Marriage?…
  fap fap fap

Chelsea Clinton’s Getting Married To the Investment Banker Son of a Federal Prisoner!

Love is in the air! Famous first daughter Chelsea Clinton is getting married to some guy she’s shacked up with, in Manhattan. He’s a Wall Street hotshot, and everybody loves those guys. And his dad is a convicted felon who recently got out of FEDERAL PRISON. The Clintons: Still making everybody else look better. [Chicago Sun-Times] Read more on Chelsea Clinton’s Getting Married To the Investment Banker Son of a Federal Prisoner!…
  annals of pimping

Is David Shuster Going Bald, Like Virtually All Men Over 40?

Could this possibly be true? Famous MSNBC reporter David Shuster, who once boldly suggested that Hillary Clinton was a pimp who shopped around her daughter for cash in exchange for sex, allegedly has a bald spot, and allegedly gets very upset when his bald spot appears on the television. Who is the “source close to production” who tattled to Page Six about this possible problem of David Shuster’s? Hillary Clinton, probably. [Page Six] Read more on Is David Shuster Going Bald, Like Virtually All Men Over 40?…
  go back to your porn

The ‘Wonkette Part’ Of David Denby’s Book Really Just A Bunch Of Major, If Not Libelous, Errors

Alright, so we caved. We were at Borders and noticed New Yorker film critic David Denby’s new book, Snark, about how he hates bloggers, Sarah Palin, Maureen Dowd, Tom Wolfe and others for the exact same undefined reason. We actually bought the book (YOU’RE WELCOME DENBY) and were planning to skim for the Wonkette part, giggle, and then give the slender volume away to the nearest hobo. So, OH MAN. First he references one of your male associate editor’s posts about Chelsea Clinton and suggests that the “young women” who wrote it must have some catty jealousy issues, with their vaginas. Then he writes that we made fun of Ted Kennedy on the day of his brain tumor surgery, citing a post about something else entirely that was written seven months before Kennedy even got cancer. Damn those bloggers, always trying to ruin other peoples’ reputations with false information! Read more on The ‘Wonkette Part’ Of David Denby’s Book Really Just A Bunch Of Major, If Not Libelous, Errors…
  meet your candidates

Random Dude Who E-mailed Us Should Take Hillary’s Senate Seat

A delightfully insane person has e-mailed us and approximately 400 other tip or info lines asking politely if he can be Senator from New York. He wants to take over for two years until Chelsea Clinton is 30 and can rightfully claim her seat. You must read (skim) his full blog post about this. “Oh- I’m just the ‘strwaw man- so i’ll read the script, act the part, do the ‘show’, and let my handlers, and staff run things- its simpler that way,” he writes, “for 2 years- till chelsea clinton is 30, and can take over the show..” The commentary is interspersed among dozens of photos of celebrities and politicians. [X-WIRE] Read more on Random Dude Who E-mailed Us Should Take Hillary’s Senate Seat…
  stay classy

The Latest Gem From McCain’s Long History Of Horrifying ‘Wisecracks’

John McCain’s always had a hearty arsenal of “cocktail party jokes,” including several about killing Iranian civilians with either bombs or exported American cancer, and another about Chelsea Clinton being ugly because her father is Janet Reno’s penis. These jokes, however, can’t shake a stick at the latest gem someone has unearthed from a 1986 copy of the Tucson Citizen, one that got him in a tit-bit of trouble at the time. After the jump: McCain’s crack about the gorilla who rapes and murders some gal in the street. Read more on The Latest Gem From McCain’s Long History Of Horrifying ‘Wisecracks’…
  please feed me

Hillary Selling Random Crap At Inflationary Prices, Because Time Is Running Out!

Check out the e-mail Hillary Clinton sent us this morning: “In May, Chelsea announced our ‘Project T-Shirt’ contest, and I never imagined we would have such an outpouring of support and great designs. …If you contribute $50 today you’ll get a t-shirt with the winning design and continue to help me pay down our campaign debt.” Some PUMA person is freaking about the deadline for retiring Hillary’s campaign debt being tomorrow, which is about the only logical explanation for her team selling this piece of shit-on-cloth for $50. Coming tomorrow: buy a pebble Hillary Clinton found on the side of I-95 for only $2,300! [Hillary Clinton] Read more on Hillary Selling Random Crap At Inflationary Prices, Because Time Is Running Out!…
 

Hillary Throws Huge Drunken Pool Party At Her Home

Tomorrow is quittin’ time for Hillary Clinton, so today she threw a big farewell bash for her 500-person staff at her Georgetown home, Whitehaven Manor Castle, “in the back yard by the swimming pool.” And although Hillary could’ve served the troops just fine, thank you, with her trademark potato salad recipe — which consists of bourbon and no potatoes at all — she donated another $11 million to her campaign for catering! “All morning, workers brought tables, food, and bags of ice through the side gate, assisted by Secret Service agents. Valets helped park cars to keep them off the quiet one-way street.” Oh boy! UPDATE BELOW: We’re hearing that many sad pandas on Team Clinton didn’t get invited. Read more on Hillary Throws Huge Drunken Pool Party At Her Home…
 

Hillary Cries Over Chelsea, Politicizes Her

Aww, poor old Hillary must be feeling the pressure a little bit, because she’s turning on the windshield wipers for the, what, third time? She cried again in a CNN interview today, this time while discussing her daughter. She says while crying that having Chelsea on the trail has been one of the “most incredibly gratifying experiences” of her life, and you know what? We’ll grant her that. But then… Read more on Hillary Cries Over Chelsea, Politicizes Her…
 

Chelsea Clinton Barred From Campaigning At Bombing Range

The young lass who just a few short years ago wowed the world by dodging sniper fire in Bosnia will not be able to deliver a repeat performance dodging bombs in Puerto Rico because people in the Navy are mean. For those of you who were alive way back in the late 1990s, you will recall that Vieques is a little spot in Puerto Rico the military used to bomb the shit out of, for practice, and people protested it occasionally until a bomb killed a security guard and they shut the whole thing down. Read more on Chelsea Clinton Barred From Campaigning At Bombing Range…
 

Chelsea Clinton Proves Useful!

Hillary Clinton is pimping out her daughter on Puerto Rico today, and by golly it worked! Luisette Cabanas, a previously undecided superdelegate, has just announced her support for Hillary Clinton with Chelsea by her side. What magical powers did Chelsea employ? Did it involve a knife and a severed cat’s head? [Marc Ambinder] Read more on Chelsea Clinton Proves Useful!…