Wonkette

John McCain’s always had a hearty arsenal of “cocktail party jokes,” including several about killing Iranian civilians with either bombs or exported American cancer, and another about Chelsea Clinton being ugly because her father is Janet Reno’s penis. These jokes, however, can’t shake a stick at the latest gem someone has unearthed from a 1986 copy of the Tucson Citizen, one that got him in a tit-bit of trouble at the time. After the jump: McCain’s crack about the gorilla who rapes and murders some gal in the street. MORE »

Check out the e-mail Hillary Clinton sent us this morning: “In May, Chelsea announced our ‘Project T-Shirt’ contest, and I never imagined we would have such an outpouring of support and great designs. …If you contribute $50 today you’ll get a t-shirt with the winning design and continue to help me pay down our campaign debt.” Some PUMA person is freaking about the deadline for retiring Hillary’s campaign debt being tomorrow, which is about the only logical explanation for her team selling this piece of shit-on-cloth for $50. Coming tomorrow: buy a pebble Hillary Clinton found on the side of I-95 for only $2,300! [Hillary Clinton]

Tomorrow is quittin’ time for Hillary Clinton, so today she threw a big farewell bash for her 500-person staff at her Georgetown home, Whitehaven Manor Castle, “in the back yard by the swimming pool.” And although Hillary could’ve served the troops just fine, thank you, with her trademark potato salad recipe — which consists of bourbon and no potatoes at all — she donated another $11 million to her campaign for catering! “All morning, workers brought tables, food, and bags of ice through the side gate, assisted by Secret Service agents. Valets helped park cars to keep them off the quiet one-way street.” Oh boy!

UPDATE BELOW: We’re hearing that many sad pandas on Team Clinton didn’t get invited. MORE »

Aww, poor old Hillary must be feeling the pressure a little bit, because she’s turning on the windshield wipers for the, what, third time? She cried again in a CNN interview today, this time while discussing her daughter. She says while crying that having Chelsea on the trail has been one of the “most incredibly gratifying experiences” of her life, and you know what? We’ll grant her that. But then… MORE »

The young lass who just a few short years ago wowed the world by dodging sniper fire in Bosnia will not be able to deliver a repeat performance dodging bombs in Puerto Rico because people in the Navy are mean.
For those of you who were alive way back in the late 1990s, you will recall that Vieques is a little spot in Puerto Rico the military used to bomb the shit out of, for practice, and people protested it occasionally until a bomb killed a security guard and they shut the whole thing down. MORE »

Oh she’s just asking for it this time. This is our way of saying, “No.” [Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton is pimping out her daughter on Puerto Rico today, and by golly it worked! Luisette Cabanas, a previously undecided superdelegate, has just announced her support for Hillary Clinton with Chelsea by her side. What magical powers did Chelsea employ? Did it involve a knife and a severed cat’s head? [Marc Ambinder]

While her mother was off getting ignored by Republicans, Chelsea Clinton took a few days in sunny Puerto Rico to address a group of nuns. Her father Bill stayed on the plane, saying, “Poke me when we get to Vegas.” [AP story and photo]

Here is some video from last night’s Hillary Clinton rally at the University of Pennsylvania, including Stephanie Tubbs Jones getting fired up and having a verbal hernia. There’s a cappella and some cameraman giving Liz the middle finger. Then the Mayor of Philadelphia, Michael Nutter, says “MUST BE SOME VOTIN GETTIN READY TO HAPPEN UP IN HERE.” Then Chelsea comes on and says “my mom and my dad blah blah blah, I am the human in this family.” Then Bill Clinton lies, he lies a lot. You’ve never heard someone lie more in your life than you have Bill Clinton at a rally for his wife. But he sounds so nice, still. Then they play a song from the Ford commercials, the end.

Here’s Chelsea onstage with the cocksucker father of hers, Governor Ed “I Teach Here So Why Are You All Pretending To Be Excited About My Appearance” Rendell, and that black Philadelphia mayor who for some reason doesn’t support Obama. Ed Rendell says, “I’ll pass it over to Chelsea, who’s got some ’splainin’ to do.” Like Ricky Ricardo! But what does it mean? Maybe Chelsea will ‘Splain why all these people are here for Hillary when she’s already lost the election. Either way, the crowd goes wild. They are drooling like fools.