Tag Archives: charlotte

  Homo-nazis will have to destroy North Carolina later too busy trying to find a place to pee

Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It

Last night, the Southern town of Charlotte, North Carolina, did a real big stupid, failing to pass an anti-discrimination ordinance that would add LGBT people to the list of protected groups. Wingnut opponents of the ordinance, of course, were most worried about the possibility that somewhere, somehow, a transgender person might be out there responding to the call of nature, and not even ashamed of themselves for it. This is an outrage, because how dare they, despite what you have heard in children’s books, NOT EVERYBODY POOPS, especially not transgender people! Read more on Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It…
  jesus is coming ... in a totally heterosexual way

Bigot Twins’ Hobo Dad Has Nothing Better To Do Than Heckle Gay Weddings, For Jesus

Jesus hated boobies
Remember when Jesus said all that stuff about queers putting their wangers in their butts and how you can’t make a butt baby? We don’t either, but some hobo convicted stalker “street preacher” who is the dad of those sexy Aryan Bigot Twins sure does! And that is why he, Flip Benham, took time out of his busy day to heckle Adam and Steve while they got married at the Mecklenburg County courthouse in Charlotte, North Carolina. Read more on Bigot Twins’ Hobo Dad Has Nothing Better To Do Than Heckle Gay Weddings, For Jesus…
  also working too hard/caring too much

Hotty Charlotte Mayor With The Magic Tampons To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Too Much

Patrick Cannon, the hotty (former, disgraced) mayor of Charlotte, North Carolina, pleads guilty today to the crime of loving too much, and also the crime of “bribery or whatever,” and also having some sort of fake feminine hygiene product that he wanted real money for? And something about a nightclub? Was unclear. Read more on Hotty Charlotte Mayor With The Magic Tampons To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Too Much…
  hello I love you

Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon Gonna Make Everything All Right All Right

So this funny thing happened: North Carolina’s dick governor, Pat McCrory, went with a bunch of aides to photo op at a grocery store or something (fanfare for the common man-styley) and the guy who went to help him realized who he was and was super-rude to him and got fired. The guy, Drew Swope, was totally cool with being fired — he was like “oh yeah I would fire me too, no probs we’re chill” — and frankly we are cool with him being fired too. Yay for yelling at the dick governor, and also yay for taking your consequences like a man! But it appears Charlotte, North Carolina, has a new hotty mayor, and he is gonna one-man-employment-agency Drew Swope right into a jerb! Read more on Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon Gonna Make Everything All Right All Right…
  crawling from the wreckage while black

North Carolina Cops Shoot Dangerous Black Man Running Toward Them For Help After Crash

Just in case you good folks aren’t already filled with rage and sad this morning, how about this news from Charlotte, North Carolina? Police were responding to a 911 call about a possible breaking and entering (a woman had called saying someone was repeatedly knocking on her door), and then: Police say that when they got to the scene, a man matching the caller’s description ran toward them. One of the officers fired his stun gun, but it was “unsuccessful.” Another officer then opened fire, police said. Jonathan Ferrell died at the scene. He was shot several times. He was unarmed. Police now believe Ferrell was seeking assistance after crashing his car. WE FEEL SO MUCH SAFER NOW. Read more on North Carolina Cops Shoot Dangerous Black Man Running Toward Them For Help After Crash…
  take your cheese and shove it

Small Businessman Built That, Sits On Throne Of Non-Union Lies

Last month, an African-American businessman named Calvin Hunter wrote a column for a website called Canada Free Press. He wrote about why, after spending his whole life a loyal Democrat, he now hates the Rotten Horrible Democrat Party. We know about this because Allen West told us about it on the tweeter yesterday, in case we did not spend a lot of time on websites that claim things such as Huma Abedin really being a terrorist plant. This one isn’t about Evil Islam though — it’s about discrimination, and West said it was “why more black Americans are leaving the Democrat party,” and it is definitely not petulant ramblings from a guy in a lime green hat, and is most certainly not a big giant fibbity fib fib. Read more on Small Businessman Built That, Sits On Throne Of Non-Union Lies…
  manual override engaged

Emergency Backup Livebloog!

Haha, we have no idea how Rebecca broke the internet! But here we are! 10:56 OMG Barry is totally doing a clip show here! 10:59 This, fellow students of Rhetoric, is what ya call a “peroration.” And it freakin’ ROCKS. Read more on Emergency Backup Livebloog!…
  you sexy thing

Here Is Your New Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Live-Blog So We Do Not Break The Internet

Whoops, we have broken Wonket! We said some stuff already, it is gone now. Fucking INTERNET! But the gist was, no, we were not yet pregnant, unless we got knocked up by Michelle’s foxy-bitch face. (WE DID.) Sorry everybody, that you can no longer read the most amazing live-bloog in the history of bloogs. Sucks to be you! Fuck this bullshit broken liveblog bullshit. New emergency backup nuclear livebloog here. Read more on Here Is Your New Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Live-Blog So We Do Not Break The Internet…
  let's all have tiny barack babies!

Live-Blogging Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Right Through The Television

Everybody get your fine illegal Communist rum and your fine illegal Windowpane, and meet us back here just in time for the tribute to Old Handsome Joe Biden, and then Barry making love to you again like it is the first time. So like just before nine, like that! You don’t need a blow-by-blow of every note out of Mary J. Blige’s mouth. Just come back, whatever, we’ll see you then unless we see you first! 7:16 PM — OK guess we are starting early since Joe is straight up blubbering like a a drunken Irish John Boehner. God bless that sentimental son of a bitch. Read more on Live-Blogging Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Right Through The Television…
  #weigeled!

Charlotte Day Two Maybe: Dave Weigel Is A Crazy Bitch

Sorry we did not blog at you yesterday; we left Jim here in charge at the house (la Casita de Wonkadonk) and went into the Charlotte wilds in search of our badges (WE NEED STINKING BADGES), and then we ate a bunch of acid with one of our dudes from Boston (we have dudes from Boston), and now Jim is probably going to quit because of how we left him all day yesterday and then ran out of battery and never checked in and were just on acid all night like a fucking hippie 17-year-old girl getting arrested protesting the Original Gulf War. 1990, represent! Also, you guys, make Jim not quit! More importantly, however, did we mention world-famous walking Slate Explainer Dave Weigel is a crazy bitch? Read more on Charlotte Day Two Maybe: Dave Weigel Is A Crazy Bitch…
  leave god alone

DNC Delegates Finally Resolve This ‘God’ Business By Going Insane

The Democratic draft platform is cruising right through to completion! You know, just going through a few little amendments via voice vote. Like this business about inserting the word “God” back into the platform and recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Well, one is a semantic issue and the other goes against longstanding U.S. policy but hey, the Republicans were criticizing Democrats over it, which automatically forces Democrats to cave. There was a bit of a planning hitch, however: What if the voice votes are… really close? Perhaps there ought to be a procedure for resolving those accurately, lest the party look incompetent? (BECAUSE THIS ONE ABOUT GOD/JEWS STUFF LOOKED VERY INCOMPETENT.) Read more on DNC Delegates Finally Resolve This ‘God’ Business By Going Insane…
  sweet sweet air conditioning

Quitter Obama Moves Speech Inside, As If A Lil’ Lightning Ever Hurt Anybody

Hooray, thank God for sending some lightning Charlotte’s way and finally convincing these Obama campaign folks to move the acceptance speech inside. This stadium business is so 2008, so blahhhh. Just give your happy rah-rah chat in the damn arena, like every other schmuck. In any event, what is Obama hiding and lying about now? According to the AP, a secret insider source who’s known as a “top Charlotte meteorologist” — the weather guy on the local teevee news — “says there is virtually no threat of severe weather Thursday night as Democratic officials move President Barack Obama’s convention speech indoors.” And even if there was a *little* lightning, who cares; it would only kill one, maybe two, two or three people — probably total losers. Something else must be up! Let’s ask the Internet/make stuff up! Read more on Quitter Obama Moves Speech Inside, As If A Lil’ Lightning Ever Hurt Anybody…
  hard times

Terrified DNC Reporters Trapped Inside Filthy Butthole Murder Motels, Nation Laughs

There is a crisis, in Charlotte, that outweighs all other crises in America — including “the gaffes” — right now: the DNC assigned reporters to a bunch of shitty motels and they’re unhappy. And how does the Democratic platform address this? What about the Republican platform? Not a mention, proving once and for all that this is the most unserious presidential race we’ve ever witnessed. Now your Wonkette, which is first and foremost a Rich Person’s Blog, made accommodations at a palatial, 17th century French-style estate with a stable of 400 dancing horses. Maybe if these others reporters ever got off the welfare and got jobs for once in their pathetic lives, they could live the Wonkette 1% life, too. For now, let’s read tragic descriptions from the National Review of the squalor that we, as a nation, have allowed our proud national political reporter class to all die in. Read more on Terrified DNC Reporters Trapped Inside Filthy Butthole Murder Motels, Nation Laughs…
  yeehaw

Hello Charlotte, Ready To Rumble?

It is time for your Democratic Convention-flavored Charlotte hoe-down, North Carolina, and we will be seeing you tonight at six! The party is at our secret Casita de Wonkadonk, so email wonketteparty@gmail.com for the supersecret address, and also please don’t come by the rest of the week to murder us. Really! Please! Read more on Hello Charlotte, Ready To Rumble?…
  fight for your right to party!

Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Party Planner (And Prizes!)

Remember when we made our own fake Kickstarter, because the real Kickstarter did not think that going around the country throwing parties was “performance art”? (WHATEVER.) Well, we promised you many gifties, which we have yet to deliver, so let us tell you News about them, and announce who won the chance to decide where the bonus Drinky Thing would be! Read more on Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Party Planner (And Prizes!)…
  what really matters

This Friendly Republican Will Help Us All Get Drunk At The Democratic Convention

What is the best part of being in town at national political conventions? Seeing the speeches in person? Meeting an array of interesting activists? No, those are the worst parts — the best part is getting wasted and flopping around and pissing in the middle of the street while political activity is occurring in nearby arenas. But because North Carolina’s state-owned liquor stores are closed on Sundays and the Labor Day Monday preceding the Democratic National Convention, it’s going to be hard to procure the tools of intoxication necessary to survive several days of pathetic grandstanding and megabank marketing. Help, help, sympathetic Republican boozebag! Read more on This Friendly Republican Will Help Us All Get Drunk At The Democratic Convention…
  and then they will leave forever just like the hornets did

2012 Dem Convention To Be In Charlotte, If South Doesn’t Re-Secede By Then

The Democratic National Committee announced that it has chosen Charlotte, N.C., for its 2012 presidential nominating convention the week of Sept. 3. The announcement that Charlotte had bested St. Louis, Cleveland and Minneapolis to become the host city first came in an email from First Lady Michelle Obama to DNC members. Read more on 2012 Dem Convention To Be In Charlotte, If South Doesn’t Re-Secede By Then…
  all the flourishing things

Alvin Greene Dances With the Rhythm of 1,000 Babbling Brooks

Does it even matter that that Alvin Greene rap video obviously had nothing to do with his campaign? No. The line between Alvin Greene and the rest of the universe isn’t so clearly defined. The unmoved is the source of all movement, and for this reason, we have video of Alvin Greene dancing in the studio of a Charlotte radio show. Charlotte? Is Alvin running for Senate from North Carolina too? He is, and he is not. Read more on Alvin Greene Dances With the Rhythm of 1,000 Babbling Brooks…